I hope this is the right forum. I am new to this and I could use some common sense ideas and advice to help me out. I realize even as badly as I want this that I am really angry that my weight has been a life-long struggle.
The quotes form my childhood that stand out are "You would be so pretty if you could just lose some weight." and "You have such a pretty face, it's a shame you're so chubby." (These from my mother) and there were more difficult things, like having the Too Fat Polka (I don't want her, you can have her she's too fat for me) sung to me by my mother and grandmother entirely too often. My experience is that Poles (my mother's heritage) seem to use teasing as a way to point out flaws and help other "improve."
So I have been on various diets since I was 2 years old -- and I resent it! I am still angry about being denied seconds while my brothers were practically force fed! I'm also really ticked that when I was 5'8" and 140 pounds as a teen, I listened to a doctor dictate my weight as "Obese" while my mother wrung her hands. I was SO NOT obese! I think that by today's clothing sizes, I would have been a size 8! My daughter's "thinner" friends worn some of my clothes from high school to 80s days and blown out the zippers! So I obviously have some issues here.
The worst part is that I have been able to let go of so many other hurts in my life -- because I know it's unhealthy to carry anger or resentment. My ex husband had affairs and I'm not even mad at him anymore. I think I actually ignore my weight and just try to maintain at a functional level -- size 16 or below seems to suit me. But, when I stop to think about it, I am not happy and I DO want a change.
I hope this isn't too cry babyish of me to whine about this -- I know it's not the worst cross to bear, but I could use some sage words. I will be 50 in 4 years and I would love to slim down before then. Heck, if I could be 20 pounds lighter by the time I turn 47 next May, I'd be thrilled. I really need to do this for me though - and I need to quit feeling sorry for myself because I have to work at it. I do WANT this.... so any advice?
The only thing that finally got my attention was my physical health. My back, shoulder, hips started hurting... I started feeling old (turned 40). I'm not sure anything else would have motivated me (nothing else had, obviously).
I have to say, it feels a little (little) bit good to be taking care of myself. Yoga wasn't too bad, so I cant even complain about horrid exercising, yet. I'm kinda (kinda) getting over the resentment that I have to do something I didn't want to do.
I had traumatic childhood, too, and told myself that when I escaped that I could do anything that I wanted. A real sense of entitlement, I had 'earned' it. Hence the resentment of ME telling myself NO. The nerve of me!
I think you're in the right place. Once you get a few mini goals under your belt your attitude will probably improve. Mine did. Hang tuff!
Last edited by BlueFlower; 09-16-2010 at 11:37 AM.
I'm not feeling very supportive today so take this for what it is worth:
Some people grow up in 3rd world countries and other places where starvation is a real possibility. There are homeless children living on the streets in many places. Some young girls are sold into sexual slavery at a very young age.
First, let me say that I am so very sorry to hear you suffered such terrible verbal abuse (and yes, I think that IS abuse towards a child) as a young person. I have two children - 4 and 2 - and I think I would literally knock-out ANYONE who spoke to them in that manner. I am absolutely furious at the thought of the taunting you endured.
Second, you are not alone in your anger. I spent years ignoring my weight because I felt it was "unfair" that I had to watch what I eat and others get to eat whatever they want without consequence. I had a misperception that thin people are just naturally so & do not ever watch their weight. The more I get to know people who seem to be "naturally thin", I realize how very few calories they eat. It is more natural to them, certainly (they don't use food the way I do as a comfort) and some of them do not eat healthfully, but the end result is that they eat a fraction of what I used to eat.
I don't know what exactly made me come to grips with it this time around & to stop lamenting it, but I just decided that what was not fair was that I allowed food to consume my life. The weight prohibited me from participating fully in the things I wanted to enjoy. It kept me from being social because I was too embarassed to go out with people & be "the fat girl". And it was setting a bad example for my family.
So, I somehow turned around my thinking & realized that what I SHOULD be angry about is the loss of my freedom. Truly, I was held captive by food & excess weight. YOU are worth "the sacrifice". YOU are worth the effort to achieve good health. YOU are worthwhile at any weight...and you WILL feel better once you reclaim your life & let go of unhealthy habits that do not help you to be the best person you can be. You are not proving those idiots right in any way. They had no right to treat you the way they did. You are simply making your life a priority.
I wish you all the best in your journey. If you cannot let go of the anger, I encourage you to seek counselling. There are underlying emotional issues for all of us - - it is never just about the food. It is usually about some attempt to stay numb or to feel good for awhile.
One day I was really pouting about not being blessed with a body that would easily maintain a healthy weight, then remembered my friend who does have such a body that also got breast cancer. We get the body chemistry we're dealt and have to deal with what it is, not what we wish.
I used to be angry, too... but then I thought about it - everyone has problems. Weight, health, money, friends, family, jobs, etc. EVERYONE has problems that they have to deal with in life. For me, it has been weight and money. Well... so what! That is what I say! If those are the worse things I ever have to struggle with, I will get through it and EVEN if I don't - so what. I have so much in my life to feel blessed for.
AND the more I focus on eating healthy, the better I feel and then having to watch my weight doesn't feel as much of a chore anymore. I am really enjoying running and have been doing 5ks. I have been trying to focus on the "fun" things. Trying new recipes/foods and finding I really like them. Running further/faster than before. Being able to sling my toddler around with little effort. THOSE are the things I try to focus on.
It takes work... but it doesn't have to be torture.
There are so many things I want to buy, but I can't afford everything I want. There are so many things I want to eat...but I can't afford everything I want to eat.
Thinking of food as a budget has been helpful for me. Sure I want things, but as an adult, I realize I can't have everything I want.
Omg, it is SO FREAKIN UNFAIR!! I am with you on this. I get resentful when I read stories about someone who has 'won the obesity battle' and dropped like 120 lbs, but has to carry around a mini cooler with string cheese and grapes everywhere they go lest they succumb to all the normal kinds of food all the thin people get to eat without fear!!! Arrrrgh!
It is so much more than 'put down the fork and move more!' It is so much harder for us and people for whom it is easy just don't understand the pain, the anguish, the feeling of ALWAYS being different. If I'm a big ol fatty, I'm different, but even if I lose a zillion pounds and look like a thin person, I still have to do all these things differently than they do.
But, no pity parties! It IS harder and it is different for us and it always will be-we can acknowledge that and share our frustration without letting is discourage us into quitting. Some people aren't good at math, some can't draw-we all have stuff that's difficult. If you feel overwhelmed by the unfairness of it, come here and vent it out anytime!
You and I have similarities, I live in Ohio, am 5'8" and am 225 right now. I have been down to 180 and felt GREAT!!
We can both get there!
My dad was a lot like your mom. He would make comments like "are you eating AGAIN?! Which then I started hiding food and what I ate. Or saying I shouldn't try out for XYZ sport, because I was too big, not in good enough shape and the other girls were in better shape.
My advice is to come here a lot and talk to the ladies to keep yourself on track, eat right and exercise! As you progress, you will start to learn your strengths and weaknesses. Like my strength, is I like to work out (once I'm there and have my shoes on, it's sometimes challenging to get motivated)
My weakness is making smart food choices.
Like PDX said, I will ALWAYS have to do things differently. I have been at a decent weight, and pregnancy blew me up to higher than I had ever been. I am terrified of maintenance, but I will cross that bridge when I get there!
I had a childhood experience that was similar. I am the one chubby/fat child of 4 adopted children, and my mother, bless her heart, just didn't know what to do with me. I grew up being encouraged to lose weight all the time (I was never abused, but it was a constant issue) and watching my siblings eat junk food while I was only allowed carrots and "healthy" stuff. My mom progressively started hiding food in the house so I just couldn't get to it, which led me to want it even more. I'd always find a way to get it and then I'd just binge! She once caught me with 4 packs of frozen fruit at once. I love my mom very much and she always wants whats best for me, I have no doubts of that. But she is one reason that I had and still do have issues with food.
That said, when I really get down to it, the only thing that makes me angry is that I didn't lose the weight sooner. We are dealt the cards that we are dealt, you can't pick the hand. It's up to you to do what you need to do, and everyone has problems, weight-related or otherwise. Don't let this hamper you, use it as a tool to realize what and where your issues with your weight and food are coming from. I think once you realize the reasons you can start to take them out as excuses.
I'm not feeling very supportive today so take this for what it is worth:
Some people grow up in 3rd world countries and other places where starvation is a real possibility. There are homeless children living on the streets in many places. Some young girls are sold into sexual slavery at a very young age.
Finding perspective yet?
WOW! What an inexcuseably cruel thing to say, particularly as OP's post acknowledged that her feelings weren't especially rational, and she's been able to let go of much worse hurts, so she isn't lacking perspective.
You do realize this is a weight loss support site, right? If you knew you couldn't be supportive, did it cross your mind that maybe it wasn't the time to post? So what do you do at funerals, tell the grieving family that they're lucky and they need persepective, because some people have lost more?
Lashing out that way, might mean you have some unresolved and irrational anger issues of your own.
WOW! What an inexcuseably cruel thing to say, particularly as OP's post acknowledged that her feelings weren't especially rational, and she's been able to let go of much worse hurts, so she isn't lacking perspective.
You do realize this is a weight loss support site, right? If you knew you couldn't be supportive, did it cross your mind that maybe it wasn't the time to post? So what do you do at funerals, tell the grieving family that they're lucky and they need persepective, because some people have lost more?
Lashing out that way, might mean you have some unresolved anger issues of your own.
Kaplods- I couldn't agree with you more. I also read that post and said, what a terrible thing to say!! This is a weigh loss support sight.. If you don't have something nice to say, then say nothing.. This is a statement I tell my children all the time... Here we all have our own battles, our own feelings, our own stories.. Sometimes we vent, look for support or to offer support... The OP wasn't looking for perspective... She was letting out her feelings and there is nothing wrong with that..
And to the original poster, I am sorry you were subjected to hearing such things regarding your weight.. It frustrates me too to know that for life I will be watching my weight also.. In the back of my head I will always know I out the weight on in the past and it can happen again if I am not careful..
I can relate to the anger. Although I was not a fat kid, my mother was and is still obese, so it's been a life long struggle to not be that way.
I don't want to be that way, but quote another poster, my husband has the metabolism of "a jack rabbit on crack" and does not get it.
Makes life tough some days. Throw in some childhood sexual abuse by a distant relative, a Mom who was the greatest at throwing guilt around, in the instance of "you got a "C" in algebra?! OMG! What will all of my friends think when your name is not in the paper for honor roll? They will think I'm a stupid person because you couldn't figure out a*b. How could you do this to me!
My Dad, bless him, was a great common sense person, I miss him every day, he died a long time ago, but his great sense, is what keeps me going.
I don't know if I have any good advice, but I can say you are not alone.
If it helps, you might like to know that I have been observing the eating habits of many "naturally slender" women for quite some time now, and thinking back to those I used to associate with. I, too, am the fat one in my family, though my weight problem did not begin until about 10 years ago. What stands out is that every single one of them watched what they ate. It's funny that it recently occurred to me that they are slender because they watch what they eat, even though I used to think they didn't need to watch what they ate because they were so slender.
It might help to accept that your body is what it is. Everyone has certain limitations. Our limitation is that we cannot eat with abandon. We have to be careful, make choices, think about the consequences of what we do. Maybe you don't like going to work, but you do it. Maybe you don't like paying bills, but you do it. You may not like watching what you eat for the rest of your life, but you'll do it.
Hang in there. I won't lie and say it gets easier, but after some time passes, it doesn't seem as overwhelming. I still have moments of anger and I feel like it's so unfair (I am 45 and was just diagnosed as pre-diabetic), but you pull yourself together and move on.
I'm angry about having to watch my weight
