[RobertsKitty]

I have been depressed most of my life. I can remember feeling depressed as far back as 7. My whole life I have always been picked on and teased about my weight and how I look. Until I was 13, any time I tried to talk to my friends about my sadness I was chastised and looked down upon to the point I decided silence was the best option. My parents were always highly loving and supporting but my fierce independent streak refused to allow me to speak to them about it.

I finally found a voice when I became active on the internet. I realized a feeling of safety behind the glowing screen of a computer that I could not have in real life. When I try and voice my feelings to this day fear morphs my words. The perfectly clear sentences of my mind turn to unintelligible garble somewhere between brain and mouth and soon the sentence I so wanted to say has none of the same meaning behind it.

I have wanted for years to seek help for my depression. Feelings of no self worth, the self degrading thoughts have haunted me for years. I strive to stop 'living in the past' but in doing so new thoughts began to crop up. My self worth still nonexistent, a sometimes paralyzing fear of death began to appear. I can go for weeks without such thoughts only for them to explode out of no where leaving me suffering horrible depression.

I have tried a small multitude of times to convince myself to speak to the schools consoler but fear holds me back. By the same reason I have been unable to work up the ability to speak to a doctor. I REALLY wish to avoid any form of medications. I have always been against medicines if at all possible.

I am very torn. I don't know what to do.

[BellaLucia]

Talk to a therapist and go from there! Medicines cause u to gain weight in some cases so I can understand your reluctance!

[AuntBea]

Hello from someone who once lived in the "Weather Bi-polar" state. (You are so right about Oklahoma's weather!)

I hope you will speak to your school counselor or a therapist. It will help to have someone to talk to. You deserve it. Hang in there and post here. This is a wonderful community of people, from my few weeks here.

[shcirerf]

Lordy, do I know where you're coming from!

I wasn't the fat kid, but I was the kid who went to a small one room school house until it was time to start high school. While I knew a few of my classmates from 4-H and church I was way out of the loop in a *class* of 64 kids.

I was picked on and bullied unmercifally all through high school. For many years even my husband manipulated me terribly, until one day I decided I'd had ENOUGH! And grew a backbone! The night I told him on the way home if he was really that miserable he could walk the rest of the way home and his crap would be on the lawn when he got there, was an epiphany for me.

He didn't walk and now has a whole ton of respect for me. I just needed to put my foot down and stand up for myself!

I also had an issue with seeing a certain relative at the annual 4th of July picnic that most of the family thinks is a saint, he's not, I won't elaborate here, but suffice to say I told my Mother this year, I'm not going to the park and listening to all the drivel about how great he is. He's a bad person. and they all know it, but no one wants to admit it.

Guess what, my immediate family had our own party. Sans, butthead. All I had to do was speak up!

Don't be afraid! The only thing you really have to fear is the fear itself. Uhm, I think someone famous said that, but it's true!

Speak to the counselor, get a therapist, keep hangin out here, what ever you need to do! It's worth it!

Ok, I know that was a rant, but I'm trying to shed some crappy family baggage, getting better at it and feeling better too! Thanks for listening!