I’m kind of processing this as I write, so forgive me if it’s a little babbly.
I’ve been overweight or obese my whole life. I’ve always felt HUGE (although, looking back on pictures from elementary school, I was more “chubby” than anything). By the end of high school through college, I was 200+ pounds at 5’2”.
This, naturally, had effects on my self-confidence. I was a music major in school, studying voice. This meant singing regularly in front of people and I was never comfortable. I don’t think I ever verbalized the connection then, but now I’m sure it was because I hated the way I looked and felt ashamed.
I’ve always had a good group of close friends, though. That helped, and I’ve always known (whether consciously or unconsciously) that I should love me for me. And I’m older now – 32 – and I think part of the process of becoming older is caring less about what other people think and more about how you feel. Plus, I’m pretty far down from my HW and feel pretty good about how I look most days. If you had asked me last week about my self-confidence, I would have said I felt pretty good about myself.
Then yesterday I had a bit of an epiphany. I’ve recently moved and am trying to find a new church in my area. Church shopping can be hard, because you don’t really know anyone and don’t know the system at the church you’re trying, and it can all be a little awkward, even when it’s a good experience. The closest thing I can compare it to is the first day of school as a new kid.
Anyway, yesterday, I was getting out of my car in the parking lot of a new church, and trying to psych myself up. Out of nowhere, the thought popped into my mind, “You don’t have to be ashamed of being fat anymore.”
WHAT??? Where did this come from? Have I really been carrying around shame for my body for my whole life? Do I hate myself? Do I like myself better now (and consequently, feel more worthy of attention/love from others) purely because I fit into smaller size clothes?
This is a big deal to me for couple of reasons. First, I want to have feelings of self-worth separate from appearance (obviously, I already do, but apparently my appearance matters more to me than I thought). I think this is important for me but also because I don’t want to be judgmental of others who are overweight – if I’m judging myself, how can I not end up judging others?
Secondly, I’m worried that I’m depending too much on what will happen after I get to goal. I’m worried that I’ve developed unreasonable expectations – like life will be perfect and everyone will love me and nothing will ever go wrong.
I KNOW that these are ridiculous expectations, but if I’m honest about it, I do think that life will be better when I’m thinner.
I honestly don’t know what I’m asking here, and I’m sorry if this is just a giant ramble, but I needed to get it off my chest and would love any input or thoughts.