Part 1 was my rant last year about trying on a bridesmaid dress. If you missed it? That's probably good news (I realize it's annoying to whine about feeling fat when you're at goal and apologize in advance).
BUT...I'm going to do it again.
I'm having some serious panic about my 10 year high school reunion.
See, in high school, I was not...cute or popular or well liked. At all. I weighed around 280, I dressed horribly, I was suffering with major depression which made me an annoyance to even my friends (I was emotionally needy beyond what most high schoolers can handle), I was a big time theater/choir geek, and I had some moments that quite possibly could have made it on Mean Girls (literally got shoved into lockers, such that I dropped my books. It would be ironic-funny if it wasn't, well, me. Once, at a leadership retreat, I got vaseline put in my hair while I was sleeping, which wouldn't be funny at all under any circumstance).
So INTELLECTUALLY, I'm aware that I'm over 100 lbs lighter than I was then, plus I have a great job, a gorgeous wife, a house, a dog, etc. And I've decided to wear a dress that I know I look good in, that shows off all the parts I've worked so hard to get looking good (it's the last dress in my progress photo collage, if you're interested). I have nothing to complain about, and nothing to be ashamed about.
So why, ladies, am I terrified to go?? It's bringing out every insecurity I had back then, and taking me back to that "I don't want anyone to see me" mentality. Suddenly my cultivated arm muscles, in the mirror, just look huge and manly, I'm noticing every bit of loose skin...it's not good.
How do I get my mojo back before stepping into that room? Anyone relate to this crazy ranting?
This will be my 25th high school reunion (holy crap, am I really that old?), and I can relate to the anxiety. Although I'm not that much smaller now than I was in high school (if at all, but in high school, all the girls were smaller then and I felt HUGE), but I am much smaller than the last time any of them saw me at previous reunions. It's just bringing back your insecurities and bad memories from high school, which, if you think about it, were bad then, so why do you want to keep reliving them--let them go!
I know that at a couple of reunions, there were a couple of girls who were big in high school who had lost a ton of weight and looked fantastic. Even if they still had flab or saggy skin, they looked great compared to the last time we'd seen them; and whether they were popular and liked in high school or not, everyone talked about how good they looked. I've noticed that over the years, the clicks have broken down and people have matured. Nobody gives much of a rat's behind what you were like in high school, especially if you are well-adjusted and have your act together now. So don't worry. Let your current reality rule and flaunt that self-confidence you have worked so hard for!
Hey, my advice is RELAX, go in with the idea that you're gonna have fun and then DO it. At my HS reunion I was shocked....I mean, really SHOCKED to find that I actually WAS well liked, not in the "popular girl" way but **** that is like 5% of people that have that experience, and for a lot of them, it's the highligh to their lives, kinda sad.
I was lucky in that I am still best friends with my HS best friend and we went together. I had a blast and I know you will too when you see that everyone is older, wiser, and NICER than in their high school days!
I have to say out of everyone at my reunion I admired the one who had gained the most weight....one of the "cheerleader" type girls had gained I would say, 200 pounds, seriously. She could not get up the stairs leading to the front door of the house it was at and they had to have her go through the garage. She was great though, much nicer than in her princess heyday, and my friend and I were like "damn, kudos to Sue X for showing up and not giving a **** what people say about her physical changes."
I would treat the day as a challenge, and plan for it with the same methodicalness that you used to lose weight. Work out in advance what you'll say when the former saddoes who used to bully you compliment you/fail to recognize you. Plan.
I've done that in tricky situations, and the sense of being in control has been great, and really added to my enjoyment.
Then why do you want to go? I know that's sacrilege, everyone goes to their reunions but if HS was awful, people were rotten and the memories are bad why put yourself through that? I just skipped my 30th, haven't gone to one yet and don't see myself going to any in the future. As I thought about it I realized I didn't like most of those people back then, didn't have anything to say to them and couldn't imagine that has changed much.
I've seen the pics. You don't need me to tell you that you are gorgeous and sexy. That's an inside job. Good luck
I'm with Cyndi on this one. My 50th (Oy!) school reunion was in the Spring and I certainly did not give a second thought to turning down the invitation. It's not that anyone was mean but I didn't really want to see any of them.
I'm not going to my 20th. I was also not well-liked or popular. I'm sure all those people (at least the ones who are not incarcerated) are different now and probably don't even remember me. In fact, I couldn't care less about what they think, good or bad. I've just moved on from that part of my life. My friends from high school will not be there, so I really have no motivation to go. If it stresses you this much, you could always choose not to go. Good luck to you!
Just **one** former fat girl rant each year? That's so ... moderate ... and healthy.
What is the fear? Face the fear. Are you thinking that some of those ugly old scenes are going to be replayed? You have to know they won't be. You're all different people now. Some of the others must have changed as much as you have. They'll have had their own challenges & tragedies & will have acquired some sadness & perhaps some wisdom. Really, I think you'll be going from "Lord of the Flies" after dark at that leadership retreat to the equivalent of some kind of professional convention, with wives & husbands in attendance.
I had these fears about my last high school reunion. When I got there, I realized how crazy my thinking had been. I'd believed somehow, irrationally, that all my classmates would all show up as their 18-year-old selves, only with jobs & families, holding the same places in the social hierarchy & their same likes & dislikes, and I'd be the only one who'd aged or changed. WRONG. Some of the exalted had been humbled, and many of the humbled had finally come into their own. And everyone looked scarily like their parents. Everyone was a bit shy & shame-faced. A lot of people had a difficult time in high school. The interesting thing at the reunion was finding out how everyone's version of reality & memories is so different.
What are your goals for the night? Would it help to articulate them to yourself?
Like, it probably won't be as triumphant an occasion as your wedding, but you might come out of it feeling a little closer to whoever sits next to you at the dinner table. You may come out of it with one or two meaningful conversations. (Which is maybe all we can hope for from such crowded social occasions.)
Afterward, you may have a feeling of "forgiveness" -- of you, toward them, not them toward you. But I think that will be an aftereffect, and your immediate goal for what YOU want out of it may have to be more modest.
Oh, and your arms are NOT freakish. They're fantastic. We live in the era of Michelle Obama & the sleeveless sheath. I'm working hard myself to get arms like that. But you already know this, in your heart of hearts. So please, stop picking at yourself. It makes me sad to think of you hating on your gorgeous arms, as sad as when I read of idiots putting vaseline in your hair. No one should be that cruel ... to others or to themselves.
I weighed 300 lbs in high school. I weigh nearly 100 lbs less but have no desire whatsoever to go to my high school reunion. My husband who was never overweight also has no desire to go to his high school reunion. Why do you really want to go? I'd rather leave all those people in the past where they belong.
I can see why you'd want to go and why you're terrified. You're revisiting a not-so-great time and showing yourself (and perhaps others) the progress you've made since then. It could possibly be very cathartic. Or it might be a let down. That's probably the worst outcome, when you think about it!!
So, go, reinvent your old self a bit and see what happens!!
Amanda, do not worry about your arms--they do look awesome! 10 year class reunions are the "show off" reunion. Everyone is showing off pics of their fab homes, weddings, vacas, you name it. Most people are too busy trying to make themselves look awesome that they will probably not comment about your life much more than the fact that you look great. By the 15th or 20th everyone is discussing their divorces... I think you should go. I love watching people trying to impress others. It really makes me giggle. I go with my smile and nod maneuver to egg them on. Oh, and be sure to watch that funny Romy and Michelle reunion movie before you go.
At my 25th I left early because people were starting to drink too much and dancing too close. I saw who I was interested in seeing and bugged out. I have since realized that I really don't have much in common with them anymore and am unsure if I will attend my 30th next year.
Last edited by losermom; 07-29-2010 at 07:41 AM.
Reason: forgot something
I went through this exact same thing last summer (Class of 1999 here!). I was big in high school and lost it all in the past couple of years. I was TERRIFIED to go back. It wasn't that I was picked on or anything. I was invisible. But I thought I'd go back anyway, with my husband, and see how everyone was doing.
The evil little devil on one shoulder said, "You KNOW one of those skinny girls got fat - GO SEE!" While the little angel on the other said, "Have some sympathy for her if someone did get fat - you've been there!"
Anyway, got there and get this - NOBODY recognized me. It took a while. But the thing is, 10 years removed from high school and walking in a "new" person, I could be who I wanted to be. As the night went on I got more confident. I smiled more. The women didn't even talk to me and my husband caught them comparing me NOW to my yearbook photo. The guys LOVED me and talked to my husband and I all night - and told my husband I was hot.
So go and be the you that you are now. You're NOT that girl anymore. And it may be very therapeutic for you to revisit these people and then move on.
I didn't go to mine last year, I was class of 99' too! And I regret it A LOT! I wasn't at my goal yet, and I just couldn't bring myself to show up. Looking back, I wish I went, especially b/c I heard only about 5-10 people showed up. Best of luck, you look great!
Wow Amanda, for some reason I thought you were older than me! Not way older, but at least, like, three to five years. Must be that you are just more professional and mature.
In any case, for what it's worth, given the way the world is today I would bet that a whole lot of the "skinny" girls from high school have gotten fat. Not that that's a good thing, but it might make you feel better. I think showing up at your high school reunion in a smoking hot dress with your gorgeous wife on your arm will be great revenge on the people who were mean to you 10 years ago. Sure, it's scary to think about going right now, but once you are there it will be totally different. Think how many jaws will drop when they realize who you are! They'll feel ashamed of making fun of you.
Former Fat Girl Panic Rant (Part 2)
Not way older, but at least, like, three to five years. Must be that you are just more professional and mature. 
