I will try to make this as short and bitter/sweet as possible
Since I was 15 till about a few months ago, I had been seeing my first love on and off. It has been a total of about 8 years trying to make it work. We were the couple that dated, broke up, dated other people, got back together, broke up, and the cycle starts over and over again - for 8 years. Yes pathetic I know. Such a headache. Unfortunately we come from two different worlds. We have been raised differently and it has been the downfall of our relationship and he has done me wrong in MANY ways. I am not going to get into detail with it but any other sane woman would have left him years ago. He has never cheated, but didnt treat me the way I should, has said things that are just disrespectful, and has had actions that have shown a cowardly ******* lol He comes from a broken home and has been raised by his father who well, didnt really raise him. Just let him do what he wanted. As for me, my parents are still together, make good money, taught me right and wrong, and have showed me unconditional love. Our views on relationships are very different becuase of this. But unfortunatley my love is so strong for him and I am always drawn to him. It just feels right being with him, even though I know its so wrong. He is a good guy deep down but I guess this is a typical good girl liking the bad guy situation. His parents split up when he was young and it affected him more than people realize. His mom is a terrific mom and comes from a great family. He lived with her when his parents split (10 yrs old) and decided he didnt like following rules and so his dad took him in. Thats where it all started. His dad is a good guy but wasnt the best example...
Him and I love and always have loved eachother immensely. During these 8 years and many tears with this guy, my family has grown to severly dislike him. My family wants so much for me and thinks I can do way better. I have a lot going for me, college education, great job, etc. and they dont think I should settle. But in the end, they just want me to be happy.
Heres the thing; since I was a little girl when I met him, my love for him has not changed a bit. I have dated other great guys and really cared about them, but none have come close to the love I had with my first. I figured by now, at 23, I would have grown up and fell out of love with him. He has recently come back in my life and is giving me the same song and dance he always does. His words are so convincing and right now, his actions are too. I would love to believe he is really finally growing up and realizing what it takes to make a relationship work and how to treat a girl right. Hes 25 and the people closest to him still have faith in him; that he can and will do the right thing and be a better man. His boss, who he has worked with for 10 years now is a GREAT man and lived a similar life to him (got in trouble with the law, did drugs, treated great girls poorly) but he changed his life and now has a beautiful family, hes a great dad, has a great job, and is a great husband. So he has been able to help him throughout the years and has helped "raised" him and help him to see he can change his life. I would love nothing more than to be with this guy the rest of my life but I cant erase the past and the things he has done. I cant erase the disrespect he has shown my mom and I cant ignore the fact that it is wrong for me to be with him. But I also cant ignore the feeling of how RIGHT it feels with him. I can't explain it. I love the simple man he is. I love the hard worker he is. I love the little redneck in him. I love how special he makes me feel. I dont know what to do. My family and friends and coworkers dont know I have recently been seeing him again. Pretty much the whole town is sick of it lol Its just been a big headache for everyone. I am just not the type to give up and I cant ignore how much I STILL love this guy, how he still loves me just the same, and I cant belive I'm going to say this, but I still believe there is a small chance he can pull through and be the better man he and everyone around him wants him to be.
I know in most cases like these, it ends up bad with a divorce and children suffering from it. I do NOT want to end up like that and I know I'm playing with fire with him and he is a huge gamble for me. I am so happy with him when he treats me right, but again, I dont know if he has really seen the light.
What do I do? I have such huge guilt for being with him and hiding it from the people I love. Should I just ignore the love I have for him and not give him any more chances? Would you still let a guy like this back in your life? Am I just STILL blindly in love? What do you all think? Has there ever been a story like this that turned out good for the couple?! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and any advice is valuable
I'm 23 and was in the same situation for 8 years. My advice would be if he couldn't get it together then, then he won't now. Regardless of how both of your lives change, you both will still look at each other the same, and because of this, the way you were previously will not change. Trust me, that love will never go away, but every time I remember the love and the many good times, I also think of the horrible things he did and how much hurt and disappointment I felt. I remind myself of how I felt at the time and how he could care less about how it made me feel.
I was thinking that maybe it could work again, but I was reminded by my sister that I had been there before and said the same thing. I will ALWAYS love him; however, I have decided that I love myself more. And if I ever want to find a productive relationship, one that makes me as happy and comfortable yet is not damaging to my psyche, I MUST MOVE ON.
This is probably not what you wanted to hear because I didn't want to hear it. I had to come to this decision on my own, and so will you.
Its not what I wanted to hear, but its what is expected. I think I know what is right and that what I need to do. I just fight myself because it just feels so right with him. But you are right, I need to love myself more now..
In a similar situation, at 23 years old I married my high school sweetheart. It was a very bad decision, not because he's a bad man (he's a pretty good guy actually) but because we simply were not truly compatible. Let's just say that I'm no longer married to him and I am EXTREMELY HAPPY about that. (I'm 41 now and have been married to my second husband for almost 12 years.)
Yours does not sound like a happy or compatible relationship, quite honestly. Long-term, marriage amplifies ALL the difficulty and disagreement you have and makes it all much worse. So while it's tempting to believe that things will only get better, that's just not how it happens in reality. If it's hard already, it will get harder if you stay together, especially if you have kids.
um I was in a similar situation...not as long and never really in a committed relationship until now...
They come with a lot of issues... your friends dont want you to talk to them because they dont want to listen to you cry when they disappoint...however I'm happy and no matter what you're going to do what you want to do...not what other people want you to do
he was finally ready to commit and I was willing to give him one more try...and honestly were happy, my friends have gotten over it and I couldnt ask for anything better.
you wrote this wanting someone to tell you to give it a try...and because I'm a bit crazy that person will be me... but you've already made the decision to do so...own it... and if it doesnt work...it doesnt work and you move on...or you wait til it does
he has done me wrong in MANY ways didnt treat me the way I should My family wants so much for me and thinks I can do way better. I cant erase the disrespect he has shown my mom and I cant ignore the fact that it is wrong for me to be with him. He has recently come back in my life and is giving me the same song and dance he always does. I have such huge guilt for being with him and hiding it from the people I love.
Of course you don't want to hear this, you still love him, but... re-read the things you just said. You know the answer already, you just... want someone to tell you otherwise. To convince you of the fairy tale that maybe this time he's changed.
I'm with a guy who I've been on and off with doing the long-distance thing a lot. We've hadissues, and we've had fights... and in getting back together with him, I've had to know and accept that he's not going to change who he is and neither am I... we both know that we're going to have to really work to make our relationship functional... and to know that we love each other enough to do that. The best you can do is know that things are not going to change drastically and decide if you're willing to spend the rest of your life with the worst of him in order to get those shining moments of the best of him.
Of course you love him, so it's not completely black and white... and there's always the promise that he's CHANGED, but... people don't change. Not the fundamental core of who they are. And if this is someone who's treated you genuinely badly, disrespected you, and disrespected your family... he's not going to magically become Prince Charming overnight, no matter how much you love him and he says he can.
I'm not saying it can't work out.
What I'm saying is... don't count on him changing. Because chances are he won't. Like I said before... decide if you're willing to spend the rest of your life with the worst of him... in order to get the best of him.
Good luck, honey.
I hope you make the right choice.
And for what it's worth... I think I agree with your family. You could definitely do better.
You all are hitting it on the nail. And I am sick to my stomach becuase I know you all are right. I just get angry because I am so happy with him right now and on cloud 9. I have never been as happy as I am with him with someone else or felt so comfortable with someone as I do him. I keep thinking, why would I give up this happiness to find someone else who doesnt have all the baggage we do and who will be much more of a potential partner for a successful marriage but not be as happy. It's so easy to just pretend nothing ever happend and stay on cloud 9. But unfortunately my conscience is getting the better half of me. I told his cousin, it would literally take a miracle for this to work. He would have to go above and beyond to prove himself to my family and friends and most of all me. I just don't know if that will happen. I can't imagine God putting him in my life for marriage with all this baggage that has happend.. Ugh.. I dont know what its going to take to get me over this guy. No one does..
I know in most cases like these, it ends up bad with a divorce and children suffering from it. I do NOT want to end up like that and I know I'm playing with fire with him and he is a huge gamble for me.
I don't understand- most cases like what?
I would say that most of your post is talking about circumstantial details. What does it matter that he comes from a broken home? I gotta tell you, I come from a broken home and I married a man who comes from a perfectly stable environment. We both bring something to the table. Educated, not educated, rich, poor, divorced parents, married parents- NONE of these things predetermine resiliancy. If he can't provide you with the love and support and respect that you show him, then yes, you do have some hard questions to ask yourself.
Now, you have no problem saying all the things that YOU love about him, but the negative stuff are things that seem rather extraneous. (But I think that's more from a lack of details, which you aren't comfortable sharing, which is understandable)
All that aside, does he make you happy? Enrich your life? Provide you with the sense of a meaningful partnership? Those are the questions you should be asking yourself, that no one can answer for you.
I completely echo what Jelbb said (she's one smart cookie): decide if you're willing to spend the rest of your life with the worst of him... in order to get the best of him. It sounds like he has some growing up to do and you're not sure if you want to hang around for it.
Good luck! Just remember, you don't have to settle for anything less than you deserve!
I didnt mean to offend you with the broken home comments, etc. I re-read it and that all came out wrong. I was just trying to explain how different we both have been raised. You are correct when you say he needs to grow up. I think thats another thing that keeps me hanging out. I keep telling myself that he just needs to grow up and when hes good and ready, he will be the man I know he always could be! I not the chances are very slim but I also know its possible. Like I said before, his boss was similar and he mae the change and is now very happy. But I need to figure this out and make a decision once and for all. This is getting to be pathetic on my part
No offense taken. Honestly, I think my husband in all his "normalcy" is the weird one of the relationship
I don't think you're pathetic, I think you just feel stuck because here you were, beginning to move on when you got pulled back into the old routine. Old dependencies are so hard to let go of.
The reason you dont feel that way with anyone else YET is because.. 8 years is a LONG time. I always believe in giving a 2nd chance... 2 thats it! 1st fail, ok there is a chance maybe next time.. but on the 2nd if a person messes that up, too bad. A person spends way too much time heart broken and doing the "what ifs". Basically what you are doing right now, how many times have you gone over this in your head over those 8 years?
Are you ready to possibly do that for the next 40 years? If he doesnt change?
My heart goes out to you because I have been where you are. And I figured out that the love I had for my "him" was not healthy for me. I was so madly in love with him, but he did not have equal feelings toward me nor did he treat me with the affection and respect that I now know I deserve. I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, it's not my decision, it's yours. But let me tell you, that song by Garth Brooks "Unanswered Prayers" is the story of my life, and now I'm with a wonderful man, who treats me well, adores me and who I cherish and adore right back. Best wishes in your decision... it is not an easy decision, but like they say, the best things in life never are.
I too have been in that situation and we now have an amazing 19 month old son, a beautiful new home and are getting married in September 2011 and I seriously couldn't be happier. I just wanted to say that not every situation like yours ends badly. People can change, but it's up to you to figure out if it's for real. For me, I just knew. I knew there was something different about this time (this was about 2.5 years ago but we've been together since I was 16 and I'm almost 24 now). I'm not saying this guy in your life will definitely change, and some of the details about our situations are different (my family loves my guy and always has even when he was not great to me- go figure lol). Honestly, if I had taken my own advice I would not have given him another chance. But, you know what? I don't regret one second and even if we don't last forever (which I hope we do but you never know!) then I'll know it's not because I didn't try. I hope you make the right choice for you and that everything turns out well!
Last edited by fashinjunkie09; 06-21-2010 at 06:38 PM.
When I was in highschool I dated a guy kind of like that. He wasn't a terrible person, but our relationship was this on again off again dramtic merry go round. At the same time, he made me so happy. And he could be so exceptionally sweet. And I loved who he was as a person. In some ways, I always will.
But the simple truth is our relationship wasn't good. Despite his great moments, there were a lot of times that he treated me disrespectfully. In the end, I chose to end it.
I've found somebody else now. DH and I have been together for 7 years next month, and will be married for 4 on Thursday. I never would have imagined then that I would meet someone who would make me just as happy, who I'd feel just as close to (closer!) and that would put up with my personal baggage too. I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for the other guy. But, love isn't an emotion, it's an action. DH has shown that he loves me not with flowers and cards or great speeches, but with his everyday acts of loving me, respecting me, and doing whatever it takes to make me happy. In return, while I feel great affection for him, I love him by doing the same things back.
Don't stay in a relationship because it's comfortable and has history. Especially if it's unhealthy.
I didn't read the others advice so sorry if I am repeating...My advice is to take a long look at your life with him and your life without him. Think of everything, if you are with him think of not only the love but dealing with family, the relationship drama etc. If you aren't with him think of the same things. Now which way will you be more happy. And not which way you should be happy, even though there is some drama that comes with this man you still might actually be more happy dealing with it then not being with him, or maybe you are better with a lost love and no drama. But you need to figure it out because you will be in this weird stage your whole life if you don't and I promise that in the end you will be so much more happy once you make a choice.
Now, once you've realized which situation you are more happy with go full force with it. If its to be without him, then be without him. Don't flirt with him, or hangout with him all the time. You will need to put distance between you guys. If you decide to be with him then you need to really look at the relationship and have a good talk with him. Figure out what he needs to work on and you. It might be a long journey before he can change your family and friends ideas of him but he should work towards that. And you will have to tell your friends and family about him, tell them the truth that you are with him and love him and youd rather be with him working on his (your) issues then with someone else.
Men Advice - Need my fellow 20's opinion!
