Hi everyone. So I feel like I've figured out a lot of stuff about my life, my body, and my eating disorder in these past few weeks. One epiphany after the other! I feel like now that I'm really starting to understand the enemy, I'm getting attacked more than ever.
I have binged 4 times in the past week. FOUR FREAKING TIMES.
A lot of it is due to the fact that I'm graduating soon, and I've been enjoying a lot of time with friends... Trips to get ice cream, free pizza, etc often start out as harmless, reasonable, on-plan choices and then I end up binging. I don't mean overeating, I mean, I go home and binge binge binge. I feel another one coming on tonight... There's a dinner dance that I'm going to and the food is going to be amazing, I just know it. I still haven't gained more than a pound or so (hard to tell, I don't microanalyze my weight or weigh myself more than twice a week). As I get close to breaking 150, I start binging like crazy. I'm also really stressed out because of finals coming up, and that contributes. So, I'm a big ball of emotion - excitement and happiness of graduating, sadness of leaving friends, nervousness about exams, anxiety over student loans that have to be paid back now, stress over all these little things that need to be turned in or otherwise taken care of.
My binges are evolving, though. The mindless eating is getting a lot better - I bought a ton of crap to eat last night, but only ate 2 candy bars and thought... I don't really want anymore.
Please send me your prayers/positive thoughts as I make it through these next 3 weeks. I feel like I will have more peace once I turn my tassel...
Congratulations on your graduation! I remember graduating, it felt like just yesterday. Here is a thought that is meant to encourage: sometimes bodies get comfortable at a certain weight and resist going below it intensely. By having uncontrollable urges to binge, your brain is probably telling your body that it really, really wants food. It could be emotional eating, but I know that 150 pounds and 5'6'' is within the healthy weight range so maybe your body is telling you that it just isn't comfortable going any lower.
Ways to combat this could be to eat really filling foods and drinking lots, so that your stomach feels full. Or, going to the gym and really pushing your body hard. Or just accepting that your body is healthy at 150 pounds. Listen to your body, what is it saying to you?
I can't talk, I am 100 pounds overweight and 150 pounds is so far away for me that I can only dream of it. But when I was a teenager, I weighed 150 pounds and constantly wanted to lose weight, so I can remember how that was. For me, I wish I had listened to my body more.
Sending *hugs* your way girl!!! I can relate.....I have a **** week next week with school then 4 finals the week after. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not stressed because I feel pretty on top of things but wouldn't ya know the last couple days I've had a REAL hard time with controlling my eating. And I'm so upset over the 2-3lb weight gain I obtained from binging last Saturday and Monday. I don't feel stressed out but maybe I really am, and I'm just deluding myself, I don't know. But I wish you all the luck with EVERYTHING and just try to take it one step at a time. And congratulations on graduating!! That will be me next May :-)
Lizzie,
I graduated 2 years ago. I remember EXACTLY what you are referring to - trips to bars with friends to say "goodbye" and lots of junk... pizza, ice cream, etc. PLUS - the stress of graduating and going into a big "unknown" in a few weeks. I, too, went home many times and binged. Ate entire boxes of cereal, jars of peanut butter, etc. I mean, really disgusting amounts of food. And I made myself so sick and bloated... And because I was bingeing, then I wanted to stop eating altogether, and didn't feel like I could enjoy the social events that involved food because I didn't want to gain even MORE weight. When I look at my graduation pictures, I can tell I was at least 5ish pounds heavier.... I can see it in my face, because my cheeks were puffier.
I just ate, drank, and binged too much because I was SO STRESSED! It was a happy time (I was so proud to graduate) but also a very dark time because of all my binges...
I really understand what you are going through. I am praying for you.
Go out, enjoy your time with people. Say good-byes.... You will never have this time again. But please be good to yourself, and try to treat yourself in a loving way... I know it's hard, and I failed miserably when I was graduating, but I don't want you to go through what I did. *hugs*
Thanks for the support and hugs everyone! Today I took a day to just eat reasonably. I promised myself last night (a promise I'm really trying to keep) that now that I've figured out a lot of reasons of WHY I binge, I'm going to start developing the tools to stop. And yes, I know I'll be so much happier if I don't binge. My goal for the next 3 weeks isn't to lose weight I've just gained, it's just to not binge and not gain anymore. Optimal calorie counting/intake isn't my goal right now, it's just to eat reasonably... And I think that's something I can manage.
After a few days, I'm going to weigh myself regularly. Once things settle down and I can focus on weight loss again (and after I get my metabolism measured - so excited!), I'm just going to focus on staying on plan and not weighing myself for a few weeks. Hopefully I'll go under 150. Once I got under 160, my urges to binge really went away, but actually dipping below 160 was hard!
Lizzie, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I think you probably know a lot of different strategies to deal with the emotions you're going through, so I'm just going to encourage you to use those strategies! Before you binge, try ONE thing that might stop the binge in it's tracks...whether it's chew gum, drink water, whatever. Just one. It can't hurt, right?
I'll be thinking, good, happy thoughts for you! Enjoy this time! Good luck with your exams!
Thanks Emily. =) I have been trying that, especially drinking water, and that really helps. Even if I've ended up binging, I've eaten a lot less because I'm so full. Every little victory counts. And thanks for your happy thoughts, no matter what's going on with me ED-wise, I'm still really excited about this accomplishment. Now, to find a job and pay back some loans! =)
Worst week in a long time
