Not sure where to post this, mother told me that she would rather die than diet!
Ok so my mother who is 5' 2" weighs approx 230 pounds...and has diabetes...Had always encouraged me to eat healthy and lose weight: here I am! But now that I am doing my healthy life style (especially recently) we have had bi-weekly violent arguments about her food choices and the food she brings in this house. She drinks coffee every day, at least one cup, two packets of artificial sweetener per cup...she drinks diet soda everyday, at least one bottle or can...she says she drinks water too, but I NEVER have seen her even drink one cup of water...she also drinks other artificially flavored soft drinks. She eats a lot of refined carbs almost every day...(not things like cookies or cake usually) things like honey not cheerios (more than a serving at once)...special K (white rice with high fructose corn syrup). This morning I saw her eat a big bowl of honey nut cheerios followed by 2 rice cakes smeared with peanut butter and sweetened with splenda jelly. So tonight she comes home with white bread, artificially sweetened ice cream, more diet soda, and artificially sweetened hot fudge. There is evidence that she was mixing peanut butter and hot fudge, and then applied it to her ice cream. When I came in the room, she told me that she had purchased those things, and then I proceeded to read the ingredients out loud, and tell her that all the artificial sweetener was doing damage to her insulin levels...She proceeded to freak out on me, begin crying, screaming and cursing at me, calling me a nun, a food ****, and a B****. And told me that she would rather keep eating "good food" and die from diabetes in 10 yrs, than live to 90, and eat only grilled chicken like me...we got into arguing...and her husband...(who only talks from behind the curtain like OZ)...shouted from his hidey hole for me to shut the "F" up...and that I was b-sing when i said that I cared about my mother's health. They think I am doing this to be annoying. Oh, and also, my mother went to the dr. for the first time in years last month...and he told her that her diabetes was not under control, and that she may need medicine...she cried to me bc she did not want to be on medication for diabetes...but yet she is unwilling to change her ways. Please try to say something to me to help me feel better.
I know it's hard to see other people make horrible choices... but your mother is an adult and you really can't tell her how to live her life. I deal with this with my husband and I've learned to let it go. He's not overweight, but he eats HORRIBLY. Luckily, I have some control over his eating because I pack his lunches and make healthy meals at dinner but his insane snacking is something I have no control over. People have to make their own choices about their health. It's her body and if she wants to junk it up, that's her business I suppose .
I don't think it's an issue that's worth fighting about.
FWIW I drink massive amounts of coffee and Coke Zero and still lose weight . I've been doing this for a long time, will do it for the rest of my life and I'm not about to give up every food/drink joy there is. I'd be miserable if I ate nothing but chicken breast, too!!
Ok so I know your heart is in the right place but this is a very sensitive issue. If my sister, mother, husband, or anyone started reading off the ingredients of what I was eating (especially if I was trying to do better) I would be really pissed off. And I would probably blow up too.
You have got to let her come to you. Your relationship is more important that what she eats. It's better to be an example than a preacher. Oh and just like kids....catch her doing something right! Rice cakes are good! Tell her so.
I know its hard and that you are concerned but you've got to be careful. Good luck!
I understand that ppl make their own decisions, but I prefer to not be motherless, I am only 20, and basically telling me that she doesnt care if she is around to see me get married, or become successful, or have children...I am obviously scared to be without my mother, and I was not prepared to lose her so soon (I mean as soon as she is prepared to die). And besides, I have no father who cares for me, and my brother is a drug addict...all I have in this world is my mother, and I want her to take care of herself. On a side note I do not only eat chicken breast, I eat a balanced diet full of all sorts of good and delicious stuff, and I am obviously more happy doing that than I was when I was eating crap.
You're 20 years old, and you've found something that is working for you. You want to share that with your mother, but you're beating her over the head with what is working for YOU, not necessarily for HER.
She is making some good choices (and some bad), and some just different.
It takes two to have a violent argument, which means you're not staying calm either.
There is no nice or supportive way to be a foodcop (I almost used a stronger word, but I realize it was probably the word that was censored in your post).
I'm concerned with some of what you're telling your mother. You have every right to believe what you want, but your mother needs to be getting her diet information from her doctor, not from you. And you're not spouting off universally accepted truth, but opinion and popular mythinformation and at best unproven theory.
Most artificial sweeteners do not impact insulin or blood sugar (those that possibly can are the sugar alcohols - and there's a good chance that diarrhea will occur at the amounts likely to have a significant impact).
I've done the research. I've gone to the original research (I have a masters degree in psychology and have had a great deal of coursework in research methodology. I know how to evaluate the research and it's results), and I can say that a large part of the of the anti-sweetener propaganda is inaccurate or misleading. The American Diabetes Association supports their use, and I'm happy enough with my own research to be satisfied with my own level of artificial sweetener use.
The large amounts of artificial sweeteners your mom is using areen't "health foods," but for many people they're a transition to healthier eating. Cut her some slack.
There's also been some recent research that up to three cups of coffee actually has health benefits. Caffeine may not be the evil that was once thought (at least if it's coming from tea and coffee which have powerful antioxidants and other phytonutrients).
Water does not have to be "plain" to be healthy. Most liquids and even wet foods, even COFFEE will contribute to fluid requirements (it does not have to be "compensated for" by extra water (ask a kidney specialist if you don't believe me).
You're not getting your facts straight (or at least realizing that there are different intelligent and even scientifically supported opinions on the subject). Do your research first and before you harass someone for their food choices at least be aware that there is a difference of opinion, even among the folks who are the "experts" on this stuff.
I know you want to help, but you have the fire of the newly converted - and evangelism can backfire. Your enthusiasm is just creating a bigger stick that you're beating her with, and when people are beaten with criticism (even if it's meant "constructively") they get angry and/or they shut down. At least your mom is taking the angry route. At least there's a chance that she'll pursue her own path, and not decide that you are right and that change is hopeless because it's too overwhelming.
I agree with everybody. Your mom has to make her own choices, and when she is ready to change, then she will. I do understand how you feel, I live with a smoker and I can't make him stop, he'll have to do it himself.
Maybe though, when both you and your mom are calm, you can tell her that you love her, and you hope that she is around for a long time - to see you get married, have kids, etc. But I'm guessing that she said she would rather die than diet in the heat of the moment, in the middle of the argument. Your mom is probably very proud of you for your weight loss (good job, by the way), and maybe, just a little, wishing she could do it too, but not ready to make the efforts that you are making.
@Kaplods, no I am not a doctor...but my mother sure is not, and she will not be getting the advise of a doctor because she has gone only once in 8 years and she did not like what he had to say, and is a lot less likely to go back. What she was told was that her teeth are falling out because her diabetes is not controlled, and that she should go on medicine etc...which she has not followed up on. I am not a scientist either, but I study health and nutrition avidly, and my conclusions (as well as the conclusions of my mother's former doctors) were to not eat unnatural food.
It is really the hypocrisy that gets me, because she always wanted me to be healthy, and when I was 12...when she found out she had diabetes...it was my problem too..I was at risk, I also had to test my blood daily, I needed to not eat sugar...and that was a good idea, bc most women in our family die of complications due to diabetes...So I consider this behavior to be her caring for me...even when I was young(er) and had an excuse to be immature. At the time she was eating really well (she does know how)...and she lost 70lbs...half of which she gained back bc once she found a new husband she didn't need to worry about being appealing anymore. (Her husband has gained 100lbs since they have been married, but he is not my concern, and I have never once brought up his eating habits).
I know it hurts us more to see ppl we love be in poor health rather than ourselves...but if it hurt her so much to see me be so heavy (when I did not yet have obesity related health problems)...why can't she see that it hurts me to watch her teeth fall out of her head because she will not take care of herself. And to end this litany: I DO NOT CARE IF MY MOTHER IS OVERWEIGHT, I just am worried about the diabetes end of it.
finally: @Volleyballsis THANKS! You made me feel a little bit better!
Of course it hurts, and of course the hypocracy is frustrating. But being the foodcop doesn't help any. It only makes the situation worse.
When you know what you should be doing and aren't doing it, criticism (especially when it gets heated), just feels like bashing. It doesn't feel like support, and the natural instinct is to rebel. If she's gotten on your case, you know how it feels.
Knowledge and action are two very different skills. I've been essentially studying weight loss theory and methods all of my life. I have a masters' degree in psychology, but I've put a lot more effort and time into studying weight loss and the psychology of weight loss than I did my coursework (Many times I started research papers on the psychology of weight loss, only to decide in the middle of them, that I didn't have the guts to submit those papers because of how it would look, because I was fat). I even backed out of my thesis option (taking an oral and written exam option instead).
The most you can do to help is to offer encouragement and low-key support "I know it's hard, but if there's any way I can support you, you let me know.
And if you see small changes, compliment them, but DO NOT use it as an opportunity to suggest other changes (it's a natural instinct). But if you day "it's great that you're doing x, I'm proud of you, but you should also do y". The but do y part of the advice completely overshadows the praise you gave for her doing x.
Suggesting that there are ways to do x better likewise feels like a slap and she'll hear "can't you do anything right?"
I think you know these things, because I suspect you've been on the other end of this (otherwise the issue of hypocracy wouldn't have come up). You know that the lectures and the arguments don't work (did they ever work for you? How did they make you feel). The arguments are more about you letting off steam - expressing your anger and frustration than they are about helping your mom.
The "shoes on the other foot," so to speak. "I'd rather die than diet," is not the response of a mature woman - it's the angry retort of a lectured teenager. You're replaying scripts you and your mother have played with each other before (only with you switching parts).
If you really want to help, the only thing you can do is to offer and ask how. Isn't that what you'd want anyone else to do for you "How can I help," rather than "you're doing this and this and this and this wrong."
I know you are worried, diabetes can have severe complications. BUT as others have said, she will do what she wants to do, even though I am sure she knows what she should do. Take care of yourself and try not to argue with her about her poor eating habits, it won't help.
Speaking as a mother who has always tried to make sure that my kids were eating healthy foods and staying active even when I was not able (psychologically) to do so myself, seeing your mom's actions portrayed as "hypocrisy" saddens me. It is not hypocritical for a parent to (desperately) strive to create for her/his child a better life than she/he has had. What I see in your mom is a woman who wishes she had made different choices, who longs even now to make different choices for herself, but if she can't do that then she will just try to make sure your life is better than hers.
I would urge you to be empathetic and loving toward your mom, and kind and generous in your thoughts toward her. She is the only mom you've got, and yes, seeing as she has uncontrolled diabetes--she might not be around that much longer.
I myself have a mom who messed many things up in my life, but who is in many other ways a wonderful and beneficial mom and grandmother; and who is most likely going to die within the next year or two from pancreatic cancer. I wish I could go back now and be a more understanding, caring, empathetic, and loving daughter. But I can't; all I can do is savor the time we do have left together.
There's lots of great advice here to help heal the rift with your mom ~ now, it's up to you ...
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Take care of yourself and try not to argue with her about her poor eating habits, it won't help.
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... being the foodcop doesn't help any. It only makes the situation worse.
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The most you can do to help is to offer encouragement and low-key support "I know it's hard, but if there's any way I can support you, you let me know."
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Your mom has to make her own choices, and when she is ready to change, then she will.
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Your relationship is more important that what she eats. It's better to be an example than a preacher.
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I know it's hard to see other people make horrible choices... but your mother is an adult and you really can't tell her how to live her life.
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I don't think it's an issue that's worth fighting about.
I think that all these folks are correct ~ preaching and arguing over food won't help at all ~ it will only put up a wall between you and your mother now. When you were a child, your mother did what she thought was best for you and that was her job; but now she is struggling and she needs your love and support, not criticism ...
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Please try to say something to me to help me feel better.
It's good that you care about your mom; but you are just going about it the wrong way ... Criticism may be interpeted as being disrestpectful, haughty, and yes, even retaliatory, but LOVE and SUPPORT is what shows you care!
EDIT TO ADD ...
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I wish I could go back now and be a more understanding, caring, empathetic, and loving daughter. But I can't; all I can do is savor the time we do have left together.
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 04-09-2010 at 04:19 PM.
You know, from what you have said, she's not really doing too bad. She might not be on the same dieting level as you, but still better than nothing. No offence, but I would have been furious if that had been said to me, especially if I'm trying, and especially if I were already suffering from a weak will. I think you need to calm down a bit and stop biting her head off. Remember how it feels to try and have someone telling you you're not doing it right, or that you are failing. It hurts. So you would rather hurt her and try to have her conform to your dieting because you want her to be around... for you. Hmmm... there are a lot of "you's" in that sentance. Sounds a bit selfish to me.
Yikes, I re-read my post and it sounds a little harsh. I'm not editing it because I stand by what I say, but I didn't mean it to come off sounding like an attack or anything. So when you read it again, read it with a happy voice in your head and that's how I meant it.
I know all you guys are right, it's just I get extra emotional because I know my mother's husband causes her depression, and encourages her to eat poorly. He is really a miserable person who does nothing but sit on the couch and eat doritos, and he complicates and compounds everything negative in the relationship between my mother and I. It is as if his will to rot has rubbed of on her...(how could it not, he is her spouse). More over, just last week a family member died in his fifties because he was not taking care of his diabetes, so my nerves are a little raw from that. Seriously though, I have taken what you all have said to heart. Thanks for weighing (lol) in!
Gah. I totally can't say anything to make you feel better because each person has to make their own decision how to live, die, or be healthy or not healthy. I am committed to the ideal that each person is free to choose one way or the other. I think you can help her by introducing her to perhaps literature regarding the evils of ice cream and sweets. I think she knows that stuff already. It's hard because I've watched several relatives make insane choices and die, and darnit, it is a free country. Just try to be nice, convince her she loves brussles sprouts, but judging from the chocoholics I have heard, I don't think that it is something you can change. I really do understand the idea of wanting to live life to its fullest and die young rather than live to 90. I certainly don't want to live to 90. I had a grandma who lived to 100 and I hope that is not in my genes. She was miserable, rickety, blind and so dependent anyone could abuse her any time. Old age is not where i want to be. (I'm 50 so I can say that)
Not sure where to post this, mother told me that she would rather die than diet!
Ok so my mother who is 5' 2" weighs approx 230 pounds...and has diabetes...Had always encouraged me to eat healthy and lose weight: here I am! But now that I am doing my healthy life style (especially recently) we have had bi-weekly violent arguments about her food choices and the food she brings in this house. She drinks coffee every day, at least one cup, two packets of artificial sweetener per cup...she drinks diet soda everyday, at least one bottle or can...she says she drinks water too, but I NEVER have seen her even drink one cup of water...she also drinks other artificially flavored soft drinks. She eats a lot of refined carbs almost every day...(not things like cookies or cake usually) things like honey not cheerios (more than a serving at once)...special K (white rice with high fructose corn syrup). This morning I saw her eat a big bowl of honey nut cheerios followed by 2 rice cakes smeared with peanut butter and sweetened with splenda jelly. So tonight she comes home with white bread, artificially sweetened ice cream, more diet soda, and artificially sweetened hot fudge. There is evidence that she was mixing peanut butter and hot fudge, and then applied it to her ice cream. When I came in the room, she told me that she had purchased those things, and then I proceeded to read the ingredients out loud, and tell her that all the artificial sweetener was doing damage to her insulin levels...She proceeded to freak out on me, begin crying, screaming and cursing at me, calling me a nun, a food ****, and a B****. And told me that she would rather keep eating "good food" and die from diabetes in 10 yrs, than live to 90, and eat only grilled chicken like me...we got into arguing...and her husband...(who only talks from behind the curtain like OZ)...shouted from his hidey hole for me to shut the "F" up...and that I was b-sing when i said that I cared about my mother's health. They think I am doing this to be annoying. Oh, and also, my mother went to the dr. for the first time in years last month...and he told her that her diabetes was not under control, and that she may need medicine...she cried to me bc she did not want to be on medication for diabetes...but yet she is unwilling to change her ways. Please try to say something to me to help me feel better.
. I've been doing this for a long time, will do it for the rest of my life and I'm not about to give up every food/drink joy there is. I'd be miserable if I ate nothing but chicken breast, too!!
