I don't tend to feel so low but I JUST HATE MY LIFE!!!
Seriously I am sick. I am SICK and TIRED of being just the fat good girl that is good enough for a friend but not good enough to get a guy.
I have been single for almost three years and my ex was my first bf. AT THE AGE OF 22!!! I hate going out with my friends and be the only one that is not flirted or even looked at! It gets me down each time my friends and I go out.
I feel trapped. I feel nothing happens for things to become better and I am so Sick of hearing people's words "Oh you just needs to lose your weight and then men will be crawling at your feet because your face is so pretty and you 've got a great personality."
I HAVE LOST 26 KG. I HATE BEING MORE PATIENT. AND WHY SHOULD FEEL HAPPY THAT GUYS ARE SO SHALLOW THAT I NEED TO LOSE ALL MY KG TO GET AKNOWLEDGED AS A POSSIBLE LOV INTEREST. SHEESH
Sorry I just needed to vent because I heard the excuse above one time too many!
HUGS to you. I don't have much better to offer than that, except to say when you are supposed to find someone it will jut happen and fat or thin doesn't have anything to do with it. I know you prolly don't agree right now, but in a way, you are lucky because you have the freedom to do what you need to do for yourself and you don't have to worry about children or a hubby...I don't know if you can look at it that way, but if you are able to focus inward, the changes will make you different outwardly, even if you are not thin and that will draw people to you. Hang tough!
AND WHY SHOULD FEEL HAPPY THAT GUYS ARE SO SHALLOW THAT I NEED TO LOSE ALL MY KG TO GET AKNOWLEDGED AS A POSSIBLE LOV INTEREST. SHEESH
Ugh I know how you feel. My love life definitely correlated to my size, but I did eventually find a guy who appreciated me on the inside. And he's with me after I lost the weight too. I think that while the dating pool for thinner people might be larger, the ratio of jerks to decent guys is about the same, so it can take a lot of people a long time to find the one. I know people of all sizes who have significant others, and ones who don't.
Have you tried being proactive about your dating life? I know a lot of people right now who are dating people they met online. One thing is for sure--you won't get a date if you don't put yourself out there. It can be tough to muster up the confidence, but you have lost 26kg already and must be noticing a difference, so go celebrate!
Ugh, I totally relate to this (except I've got 6 years on you). I noticed that I could only "get" a boyfriend when I was skinny/average. I have to say, don't be discouraged, however. I didn't have my first serious boyfriend until age 23-24 and have had 3 since then for some reason. I know men are very visual creatures and it does suck that a lot of them can't see past the packing to the inside like girls often do (hello...beer gut anyone?!). I can say that once they do get to know you, a lot of them can see past the weight losses/gains (heck, even though I said "no", my ex recently asked for me back and I'm the heaviest he has ever seen me).
The most important thing I've learned after loosing and gaining over the course of 12+ years? If you want to loose, do it for yourself not for any guy or future-guy. I've done the latter so many times, I'm disgusted with myself.
Do you feel comfortable enough to do online dating? If so, I've had a lot of success with that and even though I'm not online now it is more or less because I want to focus on me loving me for a while. The thing with online dating is that you need to have a bit of tough skin...some guys are going to be shallow but there may be a gem out there waiting for you. Keep your chin up.
weight can play a role, but do you put of the right vibe? a lot of attraction deals with how you act and move and what you say and really, how you portray yourself overall. you need to feel good and confident with yourself first.
I'm sorry this is causing you a lot of pain and I hope it gets better for you!
when I met my husband I was 150 and had worked hard to get there and dint want to go back to my past weight, when we got pregnant I was so scared he was going to stop loving me because of the weight gain and the truth is when a person loves you they love you for who you are and not your weight, by the time I was 9 months I was 200 pounds and he made me feel so sexy and proud, now I look back and realized that the guys that dint want anything with me when I was over 150 missed out on a great woman that no matter what weight she is she is still powerful being on means, weight no longer values who I am I just want to be healthy, I remember one guy told me once he dint like fat girls and I told him I dint like skinny men and that the world is full of men who love a full figure woman, every body goes through just pray and know that no matter what you are powerful and beautiful inside and out.
I met my current bf when I was a bit heavier. Not as heavy as I was, but certain I wasn't super skinny, I had several guys fighting over me at that time. More than when I was at my tiniest. Like pinkalarmclock said, it's about vibe. I'd just come back from 6 months in central America, was relaxed and happy and totally not focused on finding a guy. I was just chill. Because of that guys were all over me!
All I can say is it's about being, yourself, being confident and relaxed. When I asked my bf what attracted him to me he said: "You were confident, interesting and chill."
Most of my friends met their significant others when just out to have a good time. It's the times you're not actively looking that you'll meet someone. This has been true for almost all my girlfriends from the size 0 to the size 16.
Since I was in kindergarten, I've always (except for about a year in high school) been overweight, usually morbidly obese, and I have had a better dating history than many of my thin and pretty friends and family.
The main difference, to me it seems is shyness. No one who's known me for more than five minutes, would describe me as shy. I was less outgoing in romantic situations, but even then my "shy" was still pretty outgoing by most standards. I was more cautious about letting my feelings show, but I eventually would. Yeah, it meant a lot of rejection, but it meant a lot of success too. When you're not afraid of making a complete fool of yourself, amazing things can happen. I was also very lucky to be confident enough in myself to make sure I didn't let fear of being alone suck me into bad relationships. One friend told me that I had a better "jerk detector" than anyone she'd ever met, and she asked me why I thought that was, and I said, "I think it's because I'm not afraid of being alone, I'd rather be a crazy, old cat lady forever than be saddled with someone who makes me miserable."
I met met my husband (and a few other weirdos before I settled down with my weirdo) through a personal ad I placed. I followed the advice I'd read about personal ads, that women do better when they place the ad, and when they're upfront about their appearance. I described my weight (down to the pound) and physical appearance and the fact that I was dieting (didn't want any chubby chasers that were only interested in fat women) and was looking for someone who was in a similar situation or was sympathetic to it. My ad was pretty funny, too. Which I think helped.
I wouldn't recommend personal ad dating for anyone who doesn't have a good jerk detector though. There are a higher percentage of jerks than in irl dating, because it does draw more people with less than perfect social skills which might be anything from shyness to socio/psycho-pathology).
It worked perfectly for me. I couldn't have met a person more perfect for me, if I'd been able to create him myself. And if I'd met him irl, I probably wouldn't have given him much of a chance, for a variety of reasons.
Yes, I think all things being equal, thin dating is easier than fat dating - but there are other factors that are involved. Confidence goes a long way in counterbalancing the negativity of being overweight.
i know how you feel. i'm 21 and have never had a boyfriend, or any type of romantic encounter ever, and i'm always the "little sister" to my guy friends. it hasn't really bothered me until recently and i blame it on my weight, too, although in reality i know it has less to do with my weight and more to do my attitude, shyness and confidence, like a couple of the girls in this thread suggested. maybe it's the same for you?
i have friends who are bigger than me and have boyfriends... attractive ones (to me, anyway), too. it's all in how they carry and feel about themselves. guys are very visual creatures, like sweetchicagogal said, but visuals can go beyond weight... maybe you don't smile enough, or you walk with your eyes towards the ground, or you often fold your arms across your chest in a guarded way (i'm guilty of all three ). most guys won't approach you if you come across as annoyed, fearful, unconfident, etc.
i third the online dating option, if you're comfortable with that. i've never had luck with it (although i did learn a lot about myself in the process), but i have friends -- big and small -- who have. if you don't wanna go that route, then definitely do as freespirit suggested, and take this time to fall more in love with yourself and become more comfortable in your own skin.
jw, how did you meet your ex, if you don't mind me being nosey?
Last edited by gigantosaurus; 03-26-2010 at 06:48 PM.
maybe you are just shy...i'm very shy and just never really know how to talk to a guy that could potentially be someone in my life so i think i kind of avoided making conversations to guys cause i am shy and do not know what to say and that is why i never had a boyfriend and I am 21 i don't know how to get out of my comfort zone
oh crap i just read your post gigantosaurus i think i come off annoyed and uncofident hmmm i can't change myself it's hard lol
First of all ladies thank you for the pep talk. I really needed it.
Ok just to say, I am active in my search for love. I do go out with friends, hang out in bars and tried online dating. The thing is people in my country don't do the join online dating too much. So it is a bit weird when I speak with someone across the Atlantic and it usually the guy that backs off when he realises I am not available to meet soon (which I understand really).
Now in terms of shyness... I am shy at first but when I meet someone and feel relaxed I am outgoing and funny. The thing is that guys do apprach shy girls when they are petite and slim more easily. I have a shy friend, even shyer(lol and thinner and shorter) than I am, and guys just approach her by the dozen when we go out because "omg she is so cute when she is shy", while I rarely exist for them.
That said I am not losing weight to get a guy. But I do feel rather vexed that I am the group's miss invisible. I even met guys that approach our group with a flirty attitude and they tease all my friends and I am the one always ignored, not even given a compliment. It just kills me inside sometimes. I don't really think I deserve that.
gigantosaurus, I don't think you are noisy. My cousin was dating the ex's brother and they kind of created that scheming plan to get us to meet because they thought we would be cute together. Anyways because my ex made me feel relaxed from early on I got to be more outgoing and he asked me out by the end of the night.
Last edited by preetyladyserenity; 03-27-2010 at 06:07 AM.
Seriously being fat really has nothing to do with finding the right guy. I'm a male and I felt the same way 7 years ago when I was fat. I've been "non-fat" and it honestly hasn't made a difference. It's more about attitude and how you act. Don't feel bad you at least had a special someone by the age of 22. I'm 25 and I've NEVER had a girl friend. Losing weight is not the answer to your problems.
but you want to know the one thing guys say they find attractive on a girl? her confidence. You have spent your whole life in this slump thinking that because your overweight no guy wants you, and you think the minute that you lose the weight all these guys will magically want you.
Hunny, from your icon, you are SO pretty!! Don't think when you lose the weight I'll get more dates, men will like me more etc. Look at yourself, know how beautiful you are now, and once you gain that confidence you wont keep the guys off of you!!!
I mean, im not skinny, a size 14/16. But i love myself at any size, and if a guy doesn't want me now, he WILL NOT have me when i lose this weight.
I hope this has helped you somewhat!
benchmarkman and Mickeypnd: I am aware that losing weight is not a solution and that having confidence is the ultimate key. Maybe I should try to be more confident about myself.
I feel trapped!!! Need to vent.
I noticed that I could only "get" a boyfriend when I was skinny/average. I have to say, don't be discouraged, however. I didn't have my first serious boyfriend until age 23-24 and have had 3 since then for some reason. I know men are very visual creatures and it does suck that a lot of them can't see past the packing to the inside like girls often do (hello...beer gut anyone?!). I can say that once they do get to know you, a lot of them can see past the weight losses/gains (heck, even though I said "no", my ex recently asked for me back and I'm the heaviest he has ever seen me).
there is some one out there for you,
). most guys won't approach you if you come across as annoyed, fearful, unconfident, etc.
