Hey everyone,
This past weekend has been wonderful and stressful! I was supposed to have 2 grad school interviews, but one was cancelled due to the weather out east. This led to a series of cancelled flights and changed plans. I was really proud of myself because I kept emotional eating to a minimum and still ran/worked out. I ate food that I normally don't, especially fast food, but mainly the people I stayed with wanted me to be happy despite my crazy traveling schedule, so I made the healthiest choices possible. I knew this weekend would be hard, but I was determined to just have a bumpy ride, not a crash and burn.
I did great until my interviews. They wined us and dined us, omg. I tried hard to hold out but I couldn't say no - they were some of the classiest, nicest, most delicious meals I've ever had. I ate my fill and more. I still tried to run. Yesterday when I came home, I binged. I ate 4 granola bars, 3 chocolate chip cookies (the smallish kind), about 3 servings of dorito's, and a frozen breakfast sandwich. This might sound like a lot, but compared to other binges, it's actually not as bad. And I was so full, so uncomfortably full.
So today, I woke up not even feeling hungry, but determined to get back on track, I ate a bowl of Cheerios and a banana as soon as I was hungry. I've had a few pretzels since then, since I'm going running soon and I'm hungry but I don't want to eat a meal before I run.
I feel a little discouraged, I felt like I could have done better... And I'm starting to worry that I'll slip back into not caring anymore and I'll gain the weight back. At the same time, I NEVER get opportunities like this weekend... Why couldn't I just enjoy the meals, accept that I might gain a pound or two, and not have to binge when I got home? I know I just need to get a few good days under my belt to raise my confidence again... But does anyone else really struggle when they're travelling and they have no control over what they eat? I was at an interview and was being treated by my DREAM school, I didn't want to decline the delicious 5-course meal at this gorgeous restaurant just because I'm trying to watch my calories... You know?
You know, life happens! It's okay. It sounds like you mindfully ate over the weekend. You did well in so many regards--you thought about it before hand, made several good choices, included some activity and now you are moving on. The binge yesterday? Yes, it happens to me too. You know will make this different THIS TIME for the both of us? Continuing on the journey! Think of your binge as a pitstop on your journey to a gorgeous, heavenly place. The pitstop was icky, dirty, smelly and had no view! You know the view WILL continue to get better if you just go a little further. So, GO!
It's over. But you can help yourself when a similar situation arises again if you think over just what happened.
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I did great until my interviews. They wined us and dined us, omg. I tried hard to hold out but I couldn't say no - they were some of the classiest, nicest, most delicious meals I've ever had. I ate my fill and more. I still tried to run.
This sounds like fairly normal behavior. I do wonder what you mean by eating your "fill and more." Does that mean you were uncomfortable afterwards? In other words, did it feel like a binge after you'd eaten, only one that occurred in public, with others around you? Or were you simply feasting, and broadening your social & cultural horizons during these meals?
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Yesterday when I came home, I binged.
This is the part that interests me, and bears looking at. And it's a part that I can relate to. Because once I believed I binged only when I was unhappy or lonely. But after I really examined specific incidents over time, I discovered that any agitation of my feelings -- even happy, hopeful & exciting experiences, like these interviews must have been for you, when you probably felt thrilled at these potential changes for the good in your life -- could set off a binge. I seemed to be trying to use eating & food to establish a certain calm or equilibrium. Too sad, and I'd eat. Too lonely, and I'd eat. Overexcited? Why, eat. Really, really elated, and rightfully so -- well then, eat. Eating, as the solution for everything.
So I learned that any kind of emotional turmoil could set it off, particularly when I was finally alone, and decompressing. I used food as a method of decompression.
That taught me that I needed some alternative, when something extraordinary happened, and I was left alone afterward, to process it, and to re-set & re-boot to my usual equilibrium. At that moment, I would be very weak & prone to binging, and I would have to consciously think how I was going to deal with that & what my alternative to eating would be to help myself achieve a smooth landing.
I don't have this all down, by any means, but what I've got is some self-knowledge. After I get the promotion, or whatever, and we go out to dinner to celebrate, I'll be fine. But when I get home that night & I am alone, probably it's better not to have any ice cream in the freezer, and it may be a good time to write in my journal, or do yoga, or try to meditate, or some other way of coming down slowly & safely.
You know, I deal exactly the same way...after some extraordinary event--some commotion--good or bad...and I am left alone--I find I turn to food..almost like something to calm me...I have never, realized that before you pointing it out
See, Lizzie, aren't you glad you posted? Now you know that yes, other people do this.
Yeah, Thighs, I've got an analogy in my head going for this. Maybe because of all the earthquakes that have been happening in the world. My emotional state could probably be charted on graph paper as a jagged line of peaks & valleys. Like those sensitive instruments monitoring the rumblings under the earth, or maybe like an emotional/psychological EKG. I'm usually okay during the peak rumblings, like Lizzie during her interviews. (My analogy would be the time when I was caring for a parent dying of cancer.) I can keep it together then, in the middle of pressure, especially in public. But oh, it's those aftershocks, coming later on, that really, really get to me.
The transition downshifting back to equilibrium from great elation or great pressure or any other really intense time (human contact often involved) is a very shaky time for me. How to ease it off slowly without mindlessly eating, eating, eating -- that requires so much mindfulness & strategy. But I do think the first step is identifying it as something we typically have a problem with.
I agree with Saef, the times I am most prone to bingeing and then purging is when I'm in a state of trying to get back to normal. Like I'll have a breakdown (crying, sobbing, curling up in a ball, stuff like that) then, when I've calmed down a little, I'll stuff myself with carbs then purge it up. When you don't see the hard times coming, its tough to deal with.
But when you know something that will bring you out of the normal state (say the interviews), you could make a schedule for after, perhaps even with a detailed food plan (say you schedule what you can eat, when you can eat it) and just keep yourself busy, even if its with watching a movie, chatting with friends, doing some work, etc. And even if you are tempted to binge, you won't have the chance if you stick to the schedule. Idk...it works for me .
Saef, you're awesome. I read that and realized that maybe that's what's been going on. I am slowly starting to understand that there are different levels of eating, not just good eating and binging. This weekend was eat, drink, be merry, eating more than necessary but not in an out of control way. I didn't feel out of control, when I look back. In terms of analogy, I relaxed the reins a bit... I said no to seconds, I ate chicken instead of red meat, tried to leave at least SOMETHING on my plate afterwards. But yes, when I came home, I did want to unwind. I was exhausted from controlling everything in such a difficult time. Something I could have done instead was to go right from the door to my room, where I could watch a little TV and go to sleep (I got home at 10:30 at night). I tend to binge once a week now, which tends to happen when I'm tired of controlling everything. I like controlling how many calories I eat, how much I exercise - it's not overwhelming and it gives me a sense of, well, control and calm. But for some reason, after doing it for a while, I start to doubt myself or get anxious about it, and I feel like I need to let go.
Everyone has said some great things, I'm not sure that I can add anything. I was thinking that maybe you wanted to keep the "high" you got from being wined and dined by the grad schools, and food is how we know how to do that!
I'm in grad school now, and I remember being wined and dined, they really schmooze you--it's a great feeling! Good luck with your studies.
Who else does this?
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