I'm 24, engaged, and I've been with my fiance for over six years and I have a massive crush on one of his friends.
This has never happened to me before. I've been attracted to other guys before, but generally speaking, that's all it is. I really like this guy, and it's to the point when I come home from work and he has his friends over, and I see his car, I freak out because I don't want to see him. We hung out on NYE and I found myself flirting bad, but I was also drinking and I can't tell if he knows or not. And then I freaked out in the bathroom and told a friend of mine and we said we'd talk the next day, but I couldn't bring myself to bring it up.
Last night made it worse though.... I had a dream about him, and not the kind that can be repeated. But in it, I told him that I have feelings for him and things went from there.
He got tickets for Avatar IMAX for my fiance and himself and his girlfriend (yes, he has a girlfriend) but thinking I had to work, my fiance told him not to buy one for me, and I was both relieved and disappointed. I don't know how i could have handled myself to be around him for that long (the IMAX theater is an hour and a half away).
I have no idea what to do because I have to be around this guy until June or something when my fiance graduates and we move (he graduates too). I've never been in this situation before. Does anyone else here know what I'm talking about who is either married or in a long-term relationship? Has anyone at least experienced this too, and what did you do?
I love my fiance but this guy just makes me feel something I haven't felt in a long time. Any feedback would be appreciated.
I'm 24, engaged, and I've been with my fiance for over six years and I have a massive crush on one of his friends.
This has never happened to me before. I've been attracted to other guys before, but generally speaking, that's all it is. I really like this guy, and it's to the point when I come home from work and he has his friends over, and I see his car, I freak out because I don't want to see him. We hung out on NYE and I found myself flirting bad, but I was also drinking and I can't tell if he knows or not. And then I freaked out in the bathroom and told a friend of mine and we said we'd talk the next day, but I couldn't bring myself to bring it up.
Last night made it worse though.... I had a dream about him, and not the kind that can be repeated. But in it, I told him that I have feelings for him and things went from there.
He got tickets for Avatar IMAX for my fiance and himself and his girlfriend (yes, he has a girlfriend) but thinking I had to work, my fiance told him not to buy one for me, and I was both relieved and disappointed. I don't know how i could have handled myself to be around him for that long (the IMAX theater is an hour and a half away).
I have no idea what to do because I have to be around this guy until June or something when my fiance graduates and we move (he graduates too). I've never been in this situation before. Does anyone else here know what I'm talking about who is either married or in a long-term relationship? Has anyone at least experienced this too, and what did you do?
I love my fiance but this guy just makes me feel something I haven't felt in a long time. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Here's where I see the problem you're 24 and have been with this guy for 6 years. When did you get the time to experiment and go through bad dates and date losers? Anything in highschool doesn't count either. The fact you've been with this guy for 6 years and haven't really experienced any other man I can actually see why you are going crazy for another.
I say maybe you and your fiance need to take a break so you can figure things out. I knew a women who was married to her highschool sweetheart turns out she was in the same situation as you. She didn't experience anything and she fell for one of his married friends who as well fell for her. They both cheated...Not saying you'll do that but it has happened before. So maybe you need to get your thoughts and feel's straight. It doesn't mean youd don't love your fiance it just means maybe he's really not the one for you? This other guy could be or not, but you need to really think long and hard especially for the future because i'm sure even if you move another guy could step in the exact same way as this one has and make you feel something you haven't in a long time.
Sunflowergirl - I can totally relate! I'm 25 and have been with my fiance for 7 years and there's no doubt in my mind that he's the right person for me to spend the rest of my life with. But the fact is, when you're in a long term relationship, you're going to lose some of the initial spark and it's easy to see why you're missing that. And although I know he's the right guy, I'm not naive enough to think that he's the only right guy ever - we're both going to be attracted to other people throughout our lives. It's only human.
Throughout college and after, I've been in a few situations where I've had huge crushes on guy friends (my fiance knows about them - he's had his own crush experiences too). But for me, it's always been a case of, while I have a crush on this guy, I'd never seriously consider messing up what I have to chase after it. Crushes are fun and flirting is fun, but for me, it's never been a situation that's worth it to act on. I think it's all in how you handle it - give yourself a break and remember why you're with your fiance in the first place and you'll get it figured out
I know I might not help much, but when the "right one" comes, you WILL know it in your heart. There will be no questions - you will BOTH know it ... Whether it is your fiance or somebody different.
I agree with smisen, just try to remember why you're with your fiancee in the first place. It's unrealistic to think you'll never have feelings for another person ever in your life, but if your fiancee is the one then those crushes will fade and go away. I'm 26, been with my now husband since I was 16 (we're high school sweeties). I've had crushes, I've flirted, but thats as far as its ever gone because my hubby is the only one for me and I know that deep down in my heart.
If you think something might come of these feelings (even the best of us have moments of serious weakness), try your best to avoid this friend until the feelings lose their strength. If you're sure you can control yourself then just take it for what it is, a crush. Acknowledge it and move on.
"Here's where I see the problem you're 24 and have been with this guy for 6 years. When did you get the time to experiment and go through bad dates and date losers? Anything in highschool doesn't count either. The fact you've been with this guy for 6 years and haven't really experienced any other man I can actually see why you are going crazy for another."
Well I have, by the time I graduated high school I'd had slept with three different guys, all boyfriends. Sure, none of them were as serious as we are now, but I definitely had my share of dating losers and having bad dates. My first semester at college was a series of drunken hook-ups as well. So I have experienced a lot of other guys, just not seriously.
We can't exactly take a break, we live together and have for almost 2 years. I've already been through this before with him a few years ago and we worked through it after I realized I wouldn't find a guy like him.
I think part of the reason I like this other guy is because he's a lot like my fiance, but he's not such a stickler about certain things. I don't know him that well so I honestly don't think I'm meant to be with him or anything (and he does have a girlfriend) but i just wonder if it's possible to have a realtionship with someone and have feelings for someone else.
Thank you, smisen, that's what I was looking for. To know I'm not alone in being effed up over this. I'm definitely not having doubts about him or getting married, I've just never been attracted to someone else (besides a celebrity and that doesn't count) for a long time. I haven't thought about cheating in like 5 years. I do remember the last guy I was attracted to (i can't even remember his name) but he moved and I never thought about him again.
How did you talk to your fiance about it? I feel like I should sit him down and explain that I don't want to hang out with this guy again because I don't want to f*ck things up. we all like to hang out and drink together, it's a pretty big group of friends we have and I tend to be an idiot when I drink sometimes. But i don't want to upset him or make things awkward with our friends. I know I would be so upset if he told me he was attracted to one of my friends.
Latchkey Princess, the feelings kinda went away and then I saw him last night and he was acting kind of awkward around me, I don't know if he can sense my feelings or if he reciprocates them or not. And I'm freaking out now because of that dream.
Last edited by sunflowergirl68; 01-15-2010 at 05:23 PM.
This is the main part that stands out to me. You should never have to hide something from your fiance so you may want to retink your situation as a favor to your fiance and yourself. That's all I will say without stepping on too many toes. I've been there and done that, and it's just not worth it to either party in the relationship.
Last edited by mojolove05; 01-15-2010 at 06:03 PM.
He knows I do it, mojolove05, but if I tell him I did it (you know what I'm talking about, apparently I can't mention that here, even though it's legal where I live), he'll get upset. It's on him, it's his problem. I would be more open with him about it if he wasn't such a prick about it. But it's OK for his friends to do it, just not me. He doesn't care if we're at a party or just hanging out with his friends and they do it. It's always really pissed me off and I tell him, and he just doesn't care.
For example, he didn't used to drink and was pretty much 100% against it and would get mad at me every time I told him I went to a party and got drunk. So I just quit telling him and he finally loosened up about it.
You're right, I shouldn't have to hide it from him but unfortunately he's a huge a-hole about it and I don't want to get into a fight about it.
WHATS WITH EX BOYFRIENDS FRIEND REQUESTING ON FACEBOOK?????
I just got a friend request from a second ex, the first I denied. ok so he wasn't really an ex just this guy that cheated on his gf with me in high school, I cant' believe he had the nerve to even consider talking to be after what he did.
You know, I don't believe in "the one". At all. And yeah, when you're with a man for a long time, we develop crushes on others. We blush and giggle Whether or not we act on these crushes is a matter of our own integrity and personal responsibility.
If your fiance is decent, he'll appreciate your honesty if you'd explain it to him, and say "Yeah, could we hang out with them less?"
If he doesn't appreciate it, if he overreacts or starts getting possessive or controlling, he doesn't sound very grown up.
If there are a lot of things you don't talk about to avoid fights, it sounds like a really precarious situation
Hi, I agree with what some other people said.. I've been with the same guy for 5 years now (in February) and we're still crazy about each other. I think crushes are only natural, we can't help being attracted to other people. I had a girl friend who had a similar problem (she's now married to her then fiance) and she ended up kissing the guy.. (she never told him, just me). For her, it was more that this friend was there for her, and she needed to work out what was lacking in her real relationship.
I think the key is to recognize and accept that these things happen and not act on it. If you are feeling something more for someone, sometimes its not the person, it's just the thrill (maybe the romance is lacking), or maybe things have grown apart with your current and instead of trying to address these issues, you find that in someone else.. so instead of neglecting your current, you can figure out what it is and try to work on that.
I've definitely felt attracted to my bf's friends before, but I wouldn't tell him that.. because it isn't important that I found his friend cute.. I'm sure he's found some of my girl friends cute - I don't mind that, but I wouldn't feel good if he just came out and told me that.
souvenir: I would feel more comfortable telling him if the guy wasn't a friend of his. I know I would be very hurt and upset if he told me he was attracted to one of my friends.
We openly share which celebrities we're attracted to and it's not hurtful because we don't know them. But if it's tangible, and if there's a possibility of cheating, is when a line is crossed.
@MIZ: I even told this guy a couple of years ago I didn't want to be friends or talk. Ugh. He's my ex for a reason.
@StarryNight: Thanks for your response, I think it might be that maybe I'm realizing it is possible to be attracted to other people. There are things that are presently lacking in my relationship, so I feel unwanted and alone, and I've told him this but he's got some medical problems (i do, too) so that makes it very difficult for us.
I think it might be that I do find something in someone else that i wish he was like. regarding the thing I can't mention.
OT: I need advice
Whether or not we act on these crushes is a matter of our own integrity and personal responsibility. 
