My last binge was Dec. 26, 2009. It was a really bad one - it lasted all day long! On that day, I vowed to not do it again. I think we all know how long those vows tend to last.
My priest's daughter died a week ago (very, very sad... she was just 31 years old, died of complications from H1N1 and pneumonia, she was in the hospital for 2 months) and her burial was today. As per tradition, you have to eat a lot and talk a lot to ease the loss of a loved one. There was a huge meal served - lots of chili, fried fish, those little hotdogs in BBQ sauce, cheesecakes, cookies, you name it. I was going to settle for a roll, some veggies, and this cheesy potato thing... But I ended up going back for some fish. So this meal wasn't one for the record books, but I felt like I controlled myself very well.
Then my mom texted me and asked if I wanted to meet her and my dad for dinner at a buffet. I agreed, and met with them. I went to the gym and lifted weights for about 30 mins and then ran for about 30 mins, then I met them at the buffet. By the time I got there, I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. It was the most tempting situation I've been in since my last binge. I got a salad (just veggies and a little lite dressing), a plate of hot food (a little BBQ chicken, a little piece of a calzone, about 10 pcs of fried okra [my favorite thing in the world], and some green beans), and had some FF no sugar added vanilla yogurt for dessert. So it wasn't the train wreck it could have been. I kept thinking I JUST WANT TO EAT ALL THOSE DESSERTS!!!! I JUST WANT MAC&CHEESE AND HOT BUTTERY ROLLS AND ............... I resented my diet. I hated myself because I allowed myself to have a few things that are high calories, but that just made me want more more more more more. Now I'm home, I was fighting with myself the whole way home because I just want to EAT. I'm not hungry, really. I don't want to allow myself any food now because I know that's going to trigger a binge. I've read through some posts of other people who tried not to binge and who binged and felt awful later, and I keep telling myself, "See, that's what's going to happen if you do this! You're going to regret it!!" Whyyyyyy don't I believe myself?
Alright, self-pity done. Wish me luck in making it through the night without shoving my face into a box of cookies!
Buffets are the devil's dining room! You end up wanting all sorts of things you never would have even dreamed of until you saw them. The worst!
You've done well today, don't screw it up by eating what you don't need. You will regret it, as you said! Sometimes when I get that way, I'll just call it a day and go to bed. Better to be asleep than binging! Good luck!
You can do this! It sounds like you've done an amazing job today, given everything. I don't know if I would have been able to control myself in that situation.
Is there any way to get yourself out of the house until you need to go to bed? I've done this a couple of times and it worked well. I went to a place that had non-food distractions (the library) and was able to stay until I came home and went to bed (thank goodness for 24 hour college libraries!)
This may be a weird thought..but it's something I was thinking about last night that may give you a different perspective when it comes to bingeing (especially when connected to bad events)
I was up VERY late watching TV and I stumbled upon Schindler's List. I haven't seen it since the first time I saw it a very long time ago. I almost felt obliged to watch it- so I did. At the end (around 4 in the morning) I got the urge to binge. I thought to myself- I just spent 3 hours watching non-stop suffering and death- and I now want to eat as many pbj sandwhiches as I can. Something is wrong here.
I have the resources and freedoms to have a good life. These people had everything taken away from them. The only thing standing between me and happiness is one binge. (every time) Making my life miserable is doing a disservice to those who fought for me to live. (Trust me, I know that sounds a little wacky)
It's just that we take for granted what we have. I have made my life miserable with binge eating and I always think to myself WHY WHY WHY ME. Well it's something that I can work on and eventually control. It won't be easy, but at least I have a lot more than others. Since my beloved Uncle died this year, I guess I have felt like not fighting against bingeing- is an ungrateful act. I don't want to throw away the time I have- and I don't want my Uncle in Heaven to see that I am wasting my life being miserable.
What a day! You did such a great job holding it together in the face of dietary opposition. I hope you were able to keep taking care of yourself and get through the rest of the day without a binge.
Hope you got through everything with your sanity still intact. Your story actually reminded me of something similar and inspired me to share in another post. I truly sympathize with your struggle. Let us know how it went. We're all with you.
As CLCSC145 said so eloquently, buffets really ARE the devil's dining room! I love that!
dragonfly21, I really loved your post. It TOTALLY made sense. I have felt that way too, but when I want to binge, I don't have a whole heck of a lot of common sense going on! Still, thanks for sharing those thoughts...they inspired me.
Lizzie2010, my thoughts are with you and I hope this difficult time will get easier over time. Hang in there and do the best you can. We're all here to support you as much as we can!
I MADE IT!!!! I did it I did it I did it!!! LOL I was laying in bed last night with my glass of crystal light, saying, "Boo hoo I want to eat but I want to write on that thread tomorrow that I did NOT binge!" and then I fell asleep lol. But I didn't binge!! Thanks for ALL your encouraging words!
Dragonfly, wouldn't you know, the first time I ever watched the Schindler's List was right after I started binging. I remember that night so well, I was beating myself up for binging the night before and then failing at fasting by eating - God forbid - steamed veggies. I remembered watching that movie and having a lot of the same thoughts you had. I remembered thinking, "Wow, it was all these people could do to just eat SOMETHING... They weren't worried about their figure, their carbs, their calories... They were worried about surviving to the next day." It also reminds me that, you know, struggle builds our character. Even if our struggle is so pathetic in comparison - not eating a bunch of junk food - it's still OUR struggle and we become better, stronger individuals with every little victory. And who knows, maybe this struggle will save our own lives in the end.
lizzie, congrats for not giving in. im glad we were your motivation for not binging. dragonfly, i have to say...that sentence "Making my life miserable is doing a disservice to those who fought for me to live" struck me in such a way that i read it over and out loud. what a powerful statement, and one that i know will be able to help me during times i feel self-destructive. thank you.
Congratulations for your victory! I really get urges to eat in the evenings and I know how hard it can be, trying to not binge. Good for you for resisting! I think you did great yesterday!
Buffet's are way too tempting. I tried not to go when i was trying to lose weight. Now i will go and make myself only a salad just the way i like them, and if i want seconds that's ok.
About to binge, S.O.S.!!!
Wish me luck in making it through the night without shoving my face into a box of cookies!
You end up wanting all sorts of things you never would have even dreamed of until you saw them. The worst!
Still, thanks for sharing those thoughts...they inspired me.
I remembered watching that movie and having a lot of the same thoughts you had. I remembered thinking, "Wow, it was all these people could do to just eat SOMETHING... They weren't worried about their figure, their carbs, their calories... They were worried about surviving to the next day." It also reminds me that, you know, struggle builds our character. Even if our struggle is so pathetic in comparison - not eating a bunch of junk food - it's still OUR struggle and we become better, stronger individuals with every little victory. And who knows, maybe this struggle will save our own lives in the end.
