[babygrant]

My ED goes WAY back.

The earliest memory of when food became a huge issue for me is grade 7. That is also the time I started to pack on the pounds. I was very think through grade 6, I used to be picked on quite a bit about it. So in grade 7 I volunteered to work in the school cafeteria. It was strictly volunteer, no money was paid out. Now why in the heck would a grade 6 student volunteer every lunch hour five days a week to work in the school cafeteria when they could be playing with friends? Well, it was because I got free food. Anything that was made and not bought, we got for free. So five days a week for lunch we got nachos, hot dogs, nanaimo bars, chips, cakes, soup......etc etc etc. Sometimes I could be left to eat lunch on my own after my "shift" was over, and I would go back to class feeling physically sick because I ate so much. I came from a above poverty family...so its not like I ate because I didn't get enough food at home.

Slowly my binges started at home. I ate and ate and ate at home. I started work at a department store and worked 5 nights a week. Every single night I would buy my dinner. Half of the time it was a bottle of pop and a can of pringles and the other half it was chicken fingers and fries at the store restraunt.

After a while, I started riding my bike and walking. One time I was walking and a car pulled up beside me and the guys yelled out "Keep walking, your still fat!". So that was the end of that.

I got married at 20 and had my first baby at 21. After I had my son and still had the 40 pounds of pregnancy weight on, my binges started being followed by purging. I would eat and eat and eat and puke. It worked perfectly. I was able to binge and eat all the good food, then I was able to puke and avoid those crappy feelings of being full and knowing the weight will pack on. After a couple years of that my husband questioned me about puking. I will always be honest with him so I admitted it. I promised him that I wouldn't puke anymore, and I have stuck with it. But the binges are still there. I binge daily. And becaue I've stopped puking, I've gained a lot of weight. I'm 5 pounds heavier than when I gave birth to my 2nd son 4 years ago.

I constantly obsess about food. I get invited to a party and I can't stop thinking about what we are going to eat. We decide to go to another town to go shopping and I get excited thinking about what fast food place we'll eat at. I hide food. Everything is just focused around food with me.

I went to my doctor a couple of years ago and she referred me to a therapist. I went there and she pretty much told me "Ummm, well stop eating so much!". I went to another therapist and he said "Stick to a diet of vegetables, fruit, and lean protein". That made me obsess even more because I realized how much food I could not eat.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so unhealthy. I do NOT want my kids to have the same negative attitudes towards food.

[Jokan]

You need to find the right therapist for u then u can sort out all your issues with food. Yes, I understand about the children that is when I got serious about "health" not "weight". My 9 and 10 year old will actually read nutrition labels by them selves and talk about the sugar contents! U can do this, we all can do this!!

[harrismm]

I also agree that maybe you have not yet found the right fit for you (therapist).I have no personal experience with a therapist but many people on these boards have and really have made a lot of progress with their bingeing.What about OA?Are there any local meetings in your area.You could try this to see if you like their teachings and support.I do understand how you feel.5 years ago, I had a major tragedy that I have not yet been able to talk about on this board.But I was a girl who was always thin and NEVER had a bingeing problem.That all changed for me 5 years ago.It has been hard but I work everyday and am making slow progress on changing this.You can do this.Hang in there.I know it is possible because I see many people with this same problem that have lost weight and changed their lives.Dont give up on YOU.

[Bookla]

The though of someone pulling up beside you and insulting your efforts to get healthy makes me so angry. I want to find those guys and punch them in the face for you.

[babygrant]

Originally Posted by harrismm

I also agree that maybe you have not yet found the right fit for you (therapist).I have no personal experience with a therapist but many people on these boards have and really have made a lot of progress with their bingeing.What about OA?Are there any local meetings in your area.You could try this to see if you like their teachings and support.I do understand how you feel.5 years ago, I had a major tragedy that I have not yet been able to talk about on this board.But I was a girl who was always thin and NEVER had a bingeing problem.That all changed for me 5 years ago.It has been hard but I work everyday and am making slow progress on changing this.You can do this.Hang in there.I know it is possible because I see many people with this same problem that have lost weight and changed their lives.Dont give up on YOU.

I actually looked into OA and emailed the "team leader" but I was really put off by all the reference to God, etc. I am an athiest.

[AR4life]

I think with the right therapist you will be able to help yourself, at least that would be what I hope. No one can make you do anything, it has to come from you, it sounds as though you are ready to make the change, good luck with which ever plan you choose.
take care.

[kaybelle9]

I apologize in advance for such a long post. I am posting this in the forum instead of sending a private message on the off chance that someone with your same issue might be reading this.

I suffered from bulimia for seven years. It took a year of therapy before I could control it. I stress that I am NOT a therapist. You NEED to find one. Keep asking for different ones. Or, better yet, ask for one that deals SPECIFICALLY with ED's. My therapist once suffered from bulimia herself, so she easily identified with me, and could almost finish my sentences.... they are out there.
Almost every person with an eating disorder is clinically depressed. There are drugs to help you. You don't need to take them for the rest of your life, but let them help you through this difficult time, until you are back in control.

Next, I want to stress that you are placing yourself in REAL DANGER. I have witnessed first hand someone dying from binging and purging. Her heart stopped. You can read her story here: Frieda Curtis

I understand the feelings that come with binging and purging. I could enjoy a fest! I could eat anything and everything I wanted! ...And then get rid of it. It felt like I was correcting a mistake I had made. I had the power to control what my body ingested without the world knowing. I once tried confessing my shameful secret to some college "friends", who passed it off as a lame cry for attention. I decided then that no one seemed to care and it became my little secret. I was so good, I kept it a secret for years... Whenever complications came up, I convinced myself and others that I had some mysterious illness. I only confessed to my boyfriend (now husband) after it really felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I knew I needed help.

You need to figure out what it is that triggers a binge or a purge, and by all means... AVOID IT! Recognize your own body's signals to stop eating. Even enlist the help of your husband if need be. My husband would sit with me for 30 minutes after each meal, until the feeling of "fullness" and the urge to purge had passed.
You need to figure out where your drive for food is coming from. Is it emotional? Probably. And you have already pinpointed it back to when you were picked on. When you were in middle school, food was your comfort. It made you feel good and it was always, always there for you. But that's all in the past. What is happening in your life RIGHT NOW that makes you so unhappy that you still feel the need to turn to food? Is it a personal relationship? Is it a workplace issue? Your Eating Disorder can not be the answer to this question. Your need to binge is a secondary emotion. You need to find the first emotion.
Next, you need to figure out WHY you are so hard on yourself. Did someone tell you that you need to look a certain way? Act a certain way? Do you constantly walk around thinking everyone is looking at and judging you? Even staring at you? You are SO SURE that your husband/mother/friend/ would love you more if you lost weight/were less difficult/better at something. Well... did they tell you that? People with ED's fancy themselves mind readers. "My boyfriend thinks I'm fat" "My friend is trying to drag me down with her!" etc. .... I'm willing to bet all the gold in the world that you CAN NOT read minds! The truth is, it's all in yours.

That brings me back to stressing the importance of getting professional help. Eating disorders do not just "go away" because you will it. It takes time and the right therapy. DO NOT GIVE UP. Your life is at stake.

[juliastl27]

Originally Posted by babygrant

I actually looked into OA and emailed the "team leader" but I was really put off by all the reference to God, etc. I am an athiest.

I sometimes think its unfortunate how AA/NA/OA etc makes references to God. Even though I am a Christian, I'm sure it puts a lot of people off. I think they should have separate meetings for non believers/atheists/etc.

I agree with a previous poster that you need to find a new therapist. It sounds like you did not have a good one! I know there are some who specialize in eating disorders. I'm sorry to hear about all your troubles with eating disorder. I suffered myself for many many years and psychiatry has helped me.

[Palestrina]

I know how hopeless you feel, struggling with an ED is consuming your life and I'm struggling with it myself.

You cannot do this by yourself, it is not possible to overcome an eating disorder without medical intervention. You can't will it away because it not your willpower that is lacking. So many people with eating disorders feel weak and like it's their fault but there is something going on that is beyond your self-control.

Look for the right therapist. I went to several before I found one that felt safe for me to be with. It was humiliating to tell my story to so many people with no help. The first one I went to said she was going to do hypnotherapy for me... wasn't comfortable with that. Another therapist's first words to me were "so how long have you been fat?" and I never went back there again. Another one I didn't feel comfortable with because she tried to push me too fast but I remember she said something that made a lot of sense but really scared me back then. She said that I haven't allowed myself to get hungry and that in order to overcome my bingeing I would eventually have to face that hunger and all of the emotions that came along with it. I couldn't do it back then but I certainly am trying to face the hunger now.

Please keep looking for the right therapist, it's the only way you'll get better. It's not easy, it takes a long time to start seeing results and to be honest with you I got worse before I got better. But I couldn't navigate this journey without my therapist.