[glutio]

One of my best friend's lives about 900 miles away. I don't get to see her often, so most of our friendship happens over the internet just like these forums. She's funny and artistic and intelligent and FREAKING TINY. She complains about looking awful in a bathing suit because she had 3 kids, and I haven't seen her midsection since, but measurement wise, her waist is probably not much bigger than my thigh. I don't get to spend my time with her in person, so it doesn't usually get me down.

I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately. I haven't been losing a lot of pounds, and my scale hasn't gone lower than 277.5 since the first time I saw that number about 3 weeks ago (it just goes up and comes back to that). My inches haven't even changed much in the last month (I think some of the wrong places have gone up), but I've been exercising. A lot. From the Queen of Sedentary to almost 4 miles per week on the treadmill plus strength training. I had been feeling better energy-wise (so sleepy this last week though!). I even kind of feel less flabby when I'm standing in front of the mirror putting on my makeup or brushing my teeth, at least when I'm alone.

Friday night, though, DH and I had met up with my best friend and her new b/f for dinner. After dinner, we went to the liquor store nearby which is right next door to a restaurant that has VERY reflective windows. I generally try not to look in things like that, but I caught a glimpse of the reflections of 3 very normal sized people followed by a short dumpy me. I felt so awful about myself right then, and I haven't recovered. The worst of it is that it brings back other times when I've felt that disgusted with myself, and then my brain starts pointing out that nothing is changing in any of the numbers even though I'm working my *** off, counting calories, following Weight Watchers, exercising nearly 5 hours per week.

I know it's a lifestyle change, and that these kinds of feelings are the ones that have made me and so many others leap from the wagon and back to our terrible lifestyles.

The picture below is from when I went to visit my best friend 2 months ago and went to high tea with other friends near her. I really had fun that day until I saw this picture, and it just filled me with hate and self-loathing. I'm in the turquoise on the far left, the girl in the red had just had her baby 6 or 8 weeks earlier, the one in the black is my best friend, and the one of the far right is even smaller and is actually pregnant, probably 12 to 14 weeks in that pic although you can't tell with the angle and her dress. The only thing I think when I see this picture is how you could cut me out and hide two of the other girls behind me. And this is how I look all the time!!



It's just sad that feeling so awful about myself makes me want to give up rather than work harder. It makes me want to cry into my pillow instead of going to the gym. It makes me feel like nothing I do is going to make a difference.

But as hard as it is, I can't let myself give up. I've lost weight before. I managed to lose 30 pounds over the summer once, and while I have more than that to go now, I know that I can push through this so long as I don't let myself get sidetracked. I just can't let myself give in to the depression, I have to fight through it, and maybe one day, I won't feel like the Goodyear blimp standing next to my friends.

[Slashnl]

Oh boy, I know how you feel and I'm sure that a lot of us know how you feel. But as you said, what is the alternative? You can't give up! And believe me, I know it is hard. I'm right there with you. Keep pushing and working and eating right and exercising. It will happen, but it does take time.

I, too, have been feeling thinner and stronger. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while I was sitting and waiting for my daughter who was trying on some clothes at the store. I was a little discouraged, but then I thought, well... I have some more work to do. You do, too. So, let's get past this and keep going! We'll make it through!

[Hello Nurse]

I know you will get tons of great advice on here, but here is my take on what I see in the photo.

In general:
- I see 4 gorgeous girls who look like they really enjoy each other's friendship
- 4 of the prettiest smiles I have ever seen
Pertaining to you:
- that color is gorgeous on you. Really makes your eyes pop
- the "girls" look great in that dress
- you have beautiful skin, true peaches n cream complexion
- you have great style, I can tell you put thought into your outfit and accessories (first thing I noticed about you!)

Believe it or not, the first thing I noticed about the photo was the girl on the right with black hair. I thought she was pretty but the hair color is so severe.

No advice, really. Just thought you might want to see what others see when they look at the photo. Keep fighting! You can do this!

[flowers99]

I've seen my own reflection too and it makes me so mad at myself. I think we all feel that way now and then but you are on the road to healthy and you will get there. You're working it and the weight is coming off!

Soon you won't be shying away from reflective glass anymore - me either

[DawnSC]

The important thing is that you're 9 pounds on your way to your goal! Don't give up and don't get discouraged! You can do it!

Look at it this way.....she may be "freaking tiny", but people's lives are never as perfect as we believe them to be. She has her issues. Hers may not be weight, but she has her own demons to fight.

Hang in there!!

[glutio]

Hello Nurse, thank you so much! I went shopping for interview clothes and fell in love with that dress. I even had a friend of mine make me jewelry to match. The purse matchiness is just an accident as that's my everyday purse.

The other girl's black hair, she had JUST colored it that dark because her husband had been asking her to try it out for years. I think it's too dark, too, but she likes it

[Hello Nurse]

You're welcome! I have to tell you I really admire your style. I am kind of a mess myself, scrubs to work and t-shirts the rest of the time, so I really envy how nice and put together you look in that pic and your avatar. I might have to copy your style!

[Alana in Canada]

Oh, glutio. Sometimes I wish we--we fat chicks--could get together and do a picture. Then no one will look "too big" beside anyone else (though we'd still all be different sizes.)

I was out walking with the husband today--and passed a three pane mirror someone had put out in their driveway. (Probably a left over from a garage sale this weekend.)

I saw myself and I actually did a double take--I was much much larger than I expected to see! I've been feeling great, like you:

I even kind of feel less flabby

Can I ask you to put your head back in that space? Comparing yourself to others is not a productive path. You know that.

You are doing the best you can. You are even feeling the wonderful effects of it. It's a terrible shame that the scales aren't reflecting your efforts. It makes me mad that you aren't getting the reenforcement you need.

But changes are happening--good ones. And they'll keep happening--but only if you don't give up on yourself.

You are to be admired and applauded. It's a tough haul to keep at it without the positive reenforcement from the scales.

[CLCSC145]

Ack, reflections! They do have a way of bringing a girl down.

I have a weekly appointment in an office where when you walk in, the long wall to the right is all mirror. Every week, I feel pretty good walking through that door and every week that damn mirror tries to suck the happiness out of me. At first before I started losing the weight, I wanted to cry when I spied myself in it. After 10 pounds, it discouraged me because I couldn't see a difference. After 25 pounds, it bummed me out because even though I'd made good progress I still felt like I looked gross. Now I'm closing in on 40 pounds and it still bites my mood in the proverbial tush when I see myself. But the good news is, I can see that I'm looking better. And I know that one day I'm going to see myself in that mirror and not recognize the pretty girl looking back at me. I'm making peace with that mirror. It's not going to derail me!

Hang in there and don't let your reflections tell you how to feel about yourself. Do what you are doing and let your body tell you how you feel.

[Stormkitty]

Oh my Glutio, you and I could be one in the same. I feel exactly the same. You do the exercising, you eat the right things, start feeling good about yourself and then see a picture. I was looking over pictures from a wedding I recently attended in Florida. OMG I could kill the photographer. LOL However, giving up is not the answer for me - or you - this time. We CAN do this!!!

P.S. You are beautiful!!!

[Trazey34]

oh my, we've all been there! it's usually juuuuust when you're starting to feel pretty darned hot, then BOOOM!! someone or something comes crashing in on our hotness party LOL I usually wallow in it for a few minutes and then bonk myself on the head with a "wah wah wah, the fat girl is sad!" LOL I can't stay sad for long, I did it all to myself! My skinny friends spent hours a day exercising and eating all the right things, a lifetime's worth of effort, and I expect to have it all in a week! ha, I crack me up sometimes!

Basically what I'm getting at - you can wallow or you can shrug it off and keep on truckin' and I think you're a truckin' kinda gal !!!

[Daimere]

Don't give up! You can do this!

[sprklemajik]

Not only can you do this, you will do this. Don't give up. Everyone gets in that spot. I'm miles from where I was a year ago... and still I look in the mirror and get down sometimes. I try super hard to not compare myself to my skinner friends, I'll get there one day and so will you.

[dragonwoman64]

I had HN's reaction looking at the pic too.

at my gym there are, of course, mirrors everywhere. and I use them to watch my form for a couple of thing, and I can't help having to see myself coming and going from place to place too.

sometimes I do feel pretty disgruntled, sometimes I remember how far I've come and that I'm a work in progress. (and about PMS time, I get super disgruntled, go figure...)

I'm glad you feel like you can't give up on yourself, you've already done a lot. I try to keep my sense of humor with it all, as much as possible.

[MrsWolf]

Originally Posted by Trazey34

oh my, we've all been there! it's usually juuuuust when you're starting to feel pretty darned hot, then BOOOM!! someone or something comes crashing in on our hotness party LOL I usually wallow in it for a few minutes and then bonk myself on the head with a "wah wah wah, the fat girl is sad!" LOL I can't stay sad for long, I did it all to myself! My skinny friends spent hours a day exercising and eating all the right things, a lifetime's worth of effort, and I expect to have it all in a week! ha, I crack me up sometimes!

Trazey, you crack me up too! I am totally telling myself that next time I feel whiny. LOL.

Glutio, I always make the mistake of comparing my insides to everyone else's outsides. It's a comparison that never goes well. All people have problems and issues. Yours are just more visually obvious than other people's issues. Please don't give up! Besides, I agree that you look so pretty in that photo. I that colour, and you look so put together. I can barely manage to match most days.

Peace, Heather