[Jennelle]

Okay, ladies, help me out here. I am going to visit my family in California in two weeks. I am significantly bigger (about 30 lbs.) than the last time they saw me, but I don't think it's going to be a problem. Since my grandmother died, no one really dogs me about my weight.

I am from a family of overweight women. My grandmother (who dogged me endlessly about what I put in my mouth - I think because she was trying to save me from her pain) was about 150 lbs. overweight. My mom is about 120 lbs. overweight, her first sister is about 75 lbs. overweight, and my sister is about 30 lbs. overweight. (She'd be a LOT more, but she's legally blind and can't drive, so she walks almost everywhere.) My mom's youngest sister is a HUGE yo-yo'er, so I'm not sure where on the scale she is today. (She's also the one who has a "duck with an i" for a husband. He threatened to leave her when she started getting fat, then introduced her to crystal meth to help her take off the weight.)

Like pretty much everyone's family, our family celebrates around food. When we get together, it's almost a requirement that we eat good, fattening food. And I'm sure there's going to be a lot of it when we go out there, as our visit is going to be a mini-celebration because we're not around very often.

Do I tell them I'm dieting? Do I tell them I'm doing WW? Do I tell them I've lost 16 lbs. so far? I am so afraid that by telling them, that they'll think I'm belittling them or putting on a superior attitude (the line of thinking..."Well, she wants to be thin so she can think she's better than we are.") None of them are concerned for their health - my mom has smoked since she was 16, and is REALLY defiant about it. She also hasn't seen a doctor in over 15 years - and they tend to think that "life's too short" to be health-conscious.

If I don't tell - how do I explain it when it will be glaringly obvious that I'm eating differently? Another fear - if I don't tell, I can deny it myself for a week and come back 10 pounds heavier.

Dilemma.....boy, this is tough to explain! Surely someone out there will get the gist of what I'm asking, and be able to provide me with some insights.

Jennelle
242.5/226.5/140
16 lbs. down

Next Mini-Goal: 217 by July 4

[JML]

Tough one, Jennelle,

I don't know what's best. Sounds like a family with alot of weight problems that doesn't want to know it, and probably won't be supportive of your efforts.

I could be very wrong, but my instinct would be to avoid taking the initiative in telling them, at least at first. It will come up naturally when they see that you are eating differently, and then you might find a more natural way to ease into telling them that wouldn't put them on the defensive.

On the other hand, if it would totally throw you off track and back into old family habits by not telling them right away, then maybe it would be better to do so, and hope for the best. They might be able to put resentment aside to be happy for you. You don't really know. It's always possible. We hope.

However, it's very possible they might consider your losing weight a threat to their comfort about their weight and approach to health, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to take care of your own health. They have no power over you. You're grown up now. You can take care of yourself now. You might also be doing them a favor by keeping up with your efforts. They may resent you for a while while you are trying and losing, but afterwards, they will be proud of you, and may even be inspired to take steps to take care of their own health when they see that it is possible. You'll never know unless you keep on trying.

Keep up the good work, Jenelle,

Jeanne

[debbers]

Jenelle, I have told my friends and close family, but I'm very lucky to have their support most of the time.

For folks I don't know too well, or the friends/family I know that aren't as supportive, I only mention it after they've said something about how I'm eating, and then I simply tell them I've been feeling less than great lately (absolutely true, by the way, the new food plan has made a huge difference, even without losing a pound), and thought a few more veggies and a bit less sugar might do me some good. I try to avoid saying the word "DIET", but rather emphasize that my eating habits are a change in my lifestyle. People feel just fine about criticizing a diet, but in my experience are less critical of a lifestyle decision. Your mileage may vary, of course, but good luck with the family - I think we can all empathize with your struggle, and please keep us posted about how your trip goes!

debbers

[nasus40]

Personally I would not say anthing first they will give you that look. HHHMM I wonder if she will do it this time. Especially if they were the ones that hounded you in the first place. Secondly I do not mean to be mean but you are actually bigger then what you were when you last saw them. They will not notice the effort that you have put into it. If it were me what I would do is just pick my food choices and let them thinkwhat they do. Do not open your self for for that "look" when things are this new. So if there is some thing that you absolutly lofe and you eat it like a small slice of aunt janes pecan pie which would be by most people off the diet, you will not get the look of another failed diet.

If they notice how you are choosing our foods then say to them I am changing my eating habbits to be healthier.

If you have a few that are like Debbers has said very supportive then do let them know, they can be your allies and you can join in with them in making the good choices and if they make a bad choice you go ahead and stick to your guns and make the right one. save that tiny splurge for you absolutly favortie food.

[jiffypop]

a tough choice, jennelle.. but from the sound of your post, it seems as if you are trying to take care of YOURSELF, and your family wants company in their food obsession. but your main responsibility is to yourself.

so, here's what i vote. don't tell them unless they confront you. if they give you one itty bitty little bit more grief than you can tolerate without getting upset and defensive, tell them [and yourself!!!] that this is a choice that YOU have made for YOU, and change the subject.

if [well, WHEN] they return to it, tell them that you will have to agree to disagree, and that the subject is closed.

it's very very very very hard to be the break-away person in a family. but there's really no point in getting into a big discussion about it. they won't change their minds, and it's not a good idea for you to get upset or to look for their approval. you will probably not get approval, and you don't really need it.

sorry if this sounds mean, but sometimes we have to protect ourselves from those who love us.

[Charbar]

That is a tough one Jennelle...

I took your poll before I read your post.. but my answer would have been the same! NOBODY! From the sound of your post you might not get the support you deserve. Don't do anything that could put your weight loss efforts at risk. Use your decision to tell people as a tool to help you lose weight.
ie. dont' tell the family because you might not get the support you are looking for - then you get depressed then just say "screw it" and quit.
When I first started I only told strangers - they didn't know my past (how many times I tried and failed) they just knew me today.. and I needed that support just for that day. Use it as a tool for you.
Why do you tell others you are dieting? There are two possible answers - you want support to continue or you want to be told how well you have done. Are you going to get that from your family? If the answer is no - then don't tell them.
I have been on this diet for 7 weeks now - I am now ready to tell everyone. I need that support to continue. My friends and family know I'm serious this time because I normally quit at week 3!
I hope this helps - your knowledge of your diet is a powerful tool to the success of your diet. Use it wisely.

Dana

[Jenniffer]

I completely understand...

My 2 cents....I would not tell them. I would not offer the information. I didn't. I didn't need nor want the added stress or pressure. And those "looks". You know the type. And the people who also want and need to make healthier choices in their lives, they are the worse ones. You know what am talking about. We all want company when were miserable.
So, do yourself the favor and save yourself the heartache. Don't tell them. When they comment on your eating choices. Tell them, you like this or that better than that or this. I do it now. People comment on things I eat "Are you dieting again?!?!?" I don't say yes or no. I simply say "I like this better".

Easier that way. No pressure. No food police. No lectures. Nothing.

It's sad when we don't have ppl to support us. Believe me, I understand. But we cannot allow them to sabotage our efforts. They will, without thinking about it. You will feel the pressure, the looks, hear the comments and in the end, feel bad. You need to keep feeling good. You deserve it.

[Jennelle]

I knew this was the place to ask. Thank you all for your support and your wonderful ideas and suggestions!

This is my plan:

1. I'm not going to tell anyone. This means I'll have to ask my husband and daughter not to tell anyone, either. (My son is pretty respectful of my privacy without having to be asked; it's one of his best qualities.)

2. I'm going to use my watch as an anchoring tool. If I start to get sidetracked, I can look at my watch and remember that "now is the time to lose weight." (Sounds REALLY corny, I know, but I think it will help me stay grounded.)

3. If necessary, I will beat "the looks" (and I know them well! ) to the punch by making a joke. I did this the last time we were home for Christmas, and it worked wonders. My aunts and I kept bumping into each other while we were clearing dishes and cleaning the kitchen, and I made a comment about my hips being "two too many in the room." Everyone laughed, and I didn't get any more "looks."

4. I will remember that I AM A GROWNUP, DAMMIT! (Thank you for that lightbulb moment, JML! ) Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that I'm 35 years old when I go home. I left home when I was barely 19 and have really spent no significant time as an adult around any of my family. Family gatherings can have the unsettling effect of making me feel 14 again. I'm in charge of me -nobody else is.

Jenniffer - I loved your comment about "food police!" That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One good thing about the WW plan is that I can eat foods that are usually considered "bad" by dieting standards. As long as I continue to eat them in moderation while I'm gone, I will still be OP, I will not look like I'm "dieting," and the food police will leave me the **** alone.

You guys are awesome. (And for all of you who thought your posts might be interpreted as "mean"...far from it! They were all thoughtful and tactful and to the point.)

Jennelle
242.5/226.5/140
16 lbs. lost


Next Mini-Goal: 217 by July 4

[Inca's Momma]

Jennelle just a quick 2 cents worth, if you decide to not eat something that normally you would but decide not to this time and someone questions it, just say that your tastes have changed and that is no longer appealing to you (even if you are drooling )

Kim

[Jenniffer]

Oh..I just love you all to pieces...

You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me think, you make me dream, you make me learn, you make me teach and most of all..you make me so happy that I stayed at 3FC through all of mys ups and downs the last year.

Anyways..

[email protected], huh? been there..know the feeling too well. lol

Jennelle..I think your "plan" is perfect. The watch will keep you focused. I too understand the "feeling like a kid" feeling. I am 26 years old and have been out of my home for a very long time. But I still feel like a child when I am around my family. Like I have to walk on egg shells, watch what I say, do and even how I look. I am me. I am a woman who is grown. And so are you. Try to enjoy the visit, and breathe.

[Jen]

I guess I'm going to be the odd man out here but I would tell your family that you are doing WW, don't say that you are 'dieting', you can just say that you are doing the points program in order to monitor and control what you are eating but you can still eat regular food.

Why am I going against the grain?

Well I'll tell you. You come from a family of overweight people, some of who are defensive of being overweight which means they aren't happy about it either. Those looks and comments that you get are responses (I believe) based on their own insecurities and really have nothing to do with you. If they truly care about you they'll be happy that you are trying to do something about your weight.

You don't have to walk in the room and announce it but you could bring it up during conversation if you wanted. Sort of 'what's new with you'.

Also maybe if you tell them that you have already lost 16 lbs maybe someone will be inspired to try WW as well.

Lastly I hope that you can go home and be the grown-up like JML said. I know exactly what that means. Every time I go visit my mom she'll try and give me food even when she knows I am doing WW. All I do is say no thank-you I'm not hungry right now and change the subject.

That's my 2 cents. whatever happens I hope you have a good visit with your family.