So next month I'll be 43. I recently had to write a short biography and it seems to have thrown me into a tail spin. I look back at my life and it seems like I've done nothing with it. Don't get me wrong. I have a good life and I'm pretty happy. My marriage is pretty good, I have 3 healthy happy kids, and I've been priviledged to be a stay at home mom for the last ten years.
On the other hand, being a stay at home mom is also very isolating, especially in my case as we've lived in about 5 different states over the last 10 years. And, even though I think it was best for my kids that I was home with them, I'm not sure it's been best for me. All my kids are school age now, and I'm thinking of going back to teaching, but frankly it's very scary. Balancing everything I do now with working full time-- yikes!
Anyway, I'm just feeling like I haven't DONE anything. I have no accomplishments to point to.
And the BIG thing is I don't really even know what I'd like to do. I don't really have any dreams or know what I'd like to do with my life. I've never been very ambitious, and I don't really even know what questions to ask myself to figure out which direction I'd like to go. It doesn't even have to be a job neccesarily, I just need to have something to do that's fulfilling (not that my kids aren't fulfilling, but you know, something in addition to them).
I know my weight has a huge influence in this area because I'm so overweight I don't have a lot of energy, and I know I use food to avoid stuff. I have a lot of anxiety, so I eat to numb myself.
Anyway, I'm just blathering on, but if you have any suggestions, books, etc, to help me figure out what to do I'd love to hear them.
Last edited by thinpossible; 04-10-2009 at 05:49 PM.
How about volunteering? Start small and find a cause that means something to you.
Don't ever think that being a good mom is nothing! Once when I was feeling a little down on myself for not having a big career, my husband said I was the CEO of our family. When I looked at it that way I felt a lot better about what I do at home!
Exactly! I'll be 43 next month myself, and I pride myself on being a stay at home mom.
When my oldest was in middle school, his buddy and him were talking about their college plans. Mind you, I had all the kids in the car and we were driving to Fairbanks to spend a week up there at boy scout camp. So they're talking, and I'm listening, and I tell them how much fun I had in college. Sam (my spare kid) asks me "You went to college?" Yep, I tell him. "Did you graduate?" Yep, I tell him. "So, you have a degree?!" Again, yep I tell him. "Then WHY don't you have a job?!?!" he asks me. I looked directly at him and said - I DO have a job. Being a mom. I'm not a mom because that's all I could be, I'm a mom because that's what I CHOSE to be. Who taught you how to fish? "YOU" he says...who's taking you to Fairbanks? Who stays the entire week with you? Who drives you to meetings?
He got really quiet then. And agreed. He'd never thought about being a mom as a job.
I know what you mean about having something for yourself though, I struggle with that myself from time to time. I give so much of my time to my kids, there's not much left over for me.
I look back over my 43 years on this planet, and I have 5 gorgeous little people that I've created, and many many other kids I've helped raise and take care of, my life has been very good.
My kids wanted me around when they were little, but they NEED me around now that they're older...
I've struggled with this in the past, that I haven't done anything BIG with my life. I used to be very career-driven and moving up the ladder and I know that I did not reach my full career potential.
But here's the thing. I'm happy. My life is good. My children are well cared for. My family lives a relatively stress-free life. When I'm 80 and look back, I think I will be satisfied.
Definitely find a volunteer (or paying) job, something that doesn't further define you as mom, but something that furthers your satisfaction in life. It can be grandiose (helping out with literacy or homeless people or...) or it can be something that just makes you happy to do (helping out at the library, the animal shelter, etc). But do find something that is just for you and your satisfaction, and then take it from there.
I worked odd little part-time jobs (and sometimes nights) as my kids were younger so that I could be home with them. I also did, and still do, alot of volunteering at my kids' schools and church. When my son (13) started school, I happened to get a great part-time job, 30 hrs a week, at our local state university library. I have a BS but haven't used it with the exception of the first 4-5 years out of college. We're not rich but we have enough to pay the bills and sock some away for retirement. I'm not really career-driven. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up and I'm 46. I've decided my goal is to just work enough so that I can afford to goof off and have fun.
Last edited by losermom; 04-10-2009 at 07:03 PM.
Reason: things to add
I was in your shoes at 43 last year. My youngest was in first grade at the time and I felt isolated and quite frankly bored being home by myself all day. I applied for a job with the school system thinking that I could maybe work in the cafeteria part time. The school system talked me into being a school bus driver. I was deathly afraid of driving a 40ft bus on narrow city streets...but looking back its the best thing I could of become! I work mostly when they are in school and I still am off 4 or 5 hours midday to attend functions at school. I love my job!
I have 3 children.I also have a career.I work 2 days a week and I love it.My kids were in day care about 10 hours a week before they started school.It was great for them also.I am personally a much better mom when I have the balance.Plus, I didnt go to college for 7 years for nothing.I think working (even part-time) has taught my kids a lot about time management and also that it is possible to do both.My kids are great, well adjusted, polite young men.And the extra income has allowed me to do more with the boys when im not working.We have traveled all over the US.And probably would not have been able to without second income.Anyway, thats my story.But I have many friends who stay at home and I respect that decision too.Its a personal decision.
WOW, I could have totally wrote that!!! I am 10 years younger but in the exact same position. My youngest goes to school starting in August and I have been a SAHM for 10years. I haven't recently thought about going back to work but the big work gap seems to be a problem and it wasn't jobs i really wanted to do anyway. I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up...lol I guess I could take some sort of classes but I always hated school. I am thinking of going the volunteer route but Im not sure
I'm 46, don't have any children, have focused on my career & on doing creative work on the side, and have reached a certain level of professional achievement in both aspects of my life -- and I **still** have some of the same feelings you do.
So, does it help to hear that even if you had worked all those years, rather than (or in addition to) caring for a family, you might still be subject to moments of self-doubt & be left wondering if your life was well-spent?
I think you can have a midlife crisis no matter what path you take.
Regret is a very adult thing, I suspect. It's rare to get to a certain point in your life without experiencing some second-guessing of your choices.
Men are the ones who are traditionally supposed to have midlife crises, but with the way women traditionally have to make hard choices, I think we ought to be allowed to talk more about ours. So I'm glad you posted.
I'm 46, don't have any children, have focused on my career & on doing creative work on the side, and have reached a certain level of professional achievement in both aspects of my life -- and I **still** have some of the same feelings you do.
I was going to say this, too, but you said it better than I would have. Except for 2 or 3 years when my boys were tiny, I have always worked. For many years, it was just a "job" but now I guess you'd call what I have a "career". And yeah, I still have feelings of mid-life crisis. I've been divorced for 12 years (is that possible!??) and haven't had any really interesting relationships for most of that time, so whenever I'm catching up with someone I don't feel like I have anything new to say. It's just work, grocery store, and home every day.
By the way: Thinpossible--you're 43? From your picture, I would have pegged you as a twenty-something! No kidding. You look many years younger than your age.
I'm 46, don't have any children, have focused on my career & on doing creative work on the side, and have reached a certain level of professional achievement in both aspects of my life -- and I **still** have some of the same feelings you do.
So, does it help to hear that even if you had worked all those years, rather than (or in addition to) caring for a family, you might still be subject to moments of self-doubt & be left wondering if your life was well-spent?
It doesn't make me feel better that you have those feelings, but it makes me feel good that you understand
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windchime
By the way: Thinpossible--you're 43? From your picture, I would have pegged you as a twenty-something! No kidding. You look many years younger than your age.
For some reason this photo doesn't show my wrinkles. I do have them though
I guess no matter what path you take you wonder if you could have done something better or different. The nice thing is that I still have plenty of time to modify our lives, and that I'm better off than a whole lot of people.
I just hope I can figure out how to decide what I should/could do next.
I knew that I would have a career or children but not both. My mother was a career woman and we were raised by nanny's and then became latch key kids.
I had my son when I was 20 and although we had some very difficult years I never regretted being a single mom who worked part time so that I could be the one who raised him. We lived in poverty for many years but he never knew it. Mack came into our lives when my son was 11 and I continued to work part time.
It wasn't until my son graduated and we moved to California that I realized just how lost I was. I was a mom and that is all I had ever really known; what was I going to do now. For me volunteer work has been VERY rewarding but I have to admit something is still missing. Like you I am not the most motivated person so talk of school or commitment to a major project is not likely.
As good as my life is I still feel there is something missing. I will be 45 in July and still don't know in what ways I want to contribute to society.
Anyway, I'm just feeling like I haven't DONE anything. I have no accomplishments to point to.
I just turned 40, I've accomplished some great things, but I didn't have kids. I didn't choose not to, it just hasn't happened, and it's very hard to take. So I kinda feel the same way as you, "like I haven't DONE anything," because I haven't done what matters most to me. It's all perspective, I guess.
I turned 43 in December but I went through the same type of feelings when I became an empty nester. My kids will be 24 and 22 this year. I don't think it's as much an age thing as it is a, my kids have been my world, and now that I have me time what do I do, there's definitely a void that needds to be filled.
Take a class, learn something new..I learned to knit scarves at a free class at AC Moore, I'd like to take another knitting class so I can move beyond scarfs.
I'd like to say the feeling is easily solved, but for me it wasn't. It just takes time and learning what it is you want after years of putting yourself last.
Becoming a grandma was an awesome new thing for me...
OT Am I having a mid life crisis or what?
