Wedding Faux pas?? Please help;) - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

BoopRN · 03-12-2009, 09:16 PM

I am in a bit of a situation, I am having a destination wedding that is intimate and would like our immediate family and close personal friends to come, we are expecting a max of 30 people. Since some of our friends are single and others only dating, engaged or married. We addressed inviting significant others only if you are living together,engaged or married.

We e-mailed a nice written letter stating our wishes to the single friends. We realized we stepped over some etiquette boundaries, nonetheless we did need our wishes be known Some have not had an issue with it. In fact some are still coming regardless. One of my very good friends who has only been dating her bf for 2-3 months has decided not to come because she does not want to go "alone." She has dated guys left and right and has not sustained a serious relationship for more than 6 months. Recently she has barely come out for drinks or anything b/c she is always with her bf. I have yet to meet this bf thus far. She says she was not offended by the email but does not want to go alone. I think that she should reconsider and come to the wedding. I think that she is just insecure. Should I even make an effort to convince her to come or would i be wasting my time??

MariaMaria · 03-12-2009, 09:20 PM

If someone wanted me to travel to their destination wedding on my own dime and show up without a date, I certainly wouldn't come to the wedding and I'd be iffy at the idea of the friendship. Pay for my tickets and hotel and I'll show up solo if you want me to.

mandalinn82 · 03-12-2009, 09:29 PM

From an etiquette perspective, the only rule you broke was calling it out so obviously in an email. For the couples you invite together, you write both names on the invite. For the singles, you just write their name. That's it. The only folks invited are those on the invitation.

If people asked you, you'd just politely explain your reasoning and that'd be that, on a one on one basis.

It is your friend's decision whether or not she wants to attend. Just express your regrets that she isn't going to make it and ask her to let you know if she changes her mind, because you'd really like her to be there.

BoopRN · 03-12-2009, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MariaMaria

If someone wanted me to travel to their destination wedding on my own dime and show up without a date, I certainly wouldn't come to the wedding and I'd be iffy at the idea of the friendship. Pay for my tickets and hotel and I'll show up solo if you want me to.

Not in this economy toots! The reason we wanted to limit bf/gf is b/c we are going all out for the limited amount of people coming. Quality vs. Quantity. Its all about being friends and being there on a special occasion she will not be the only single person there!

AnAbsoluteDiva · 03-12-2009, 09:57 PM

The outer envelope is addressed to the person/people you're inviting and the inner envelope shows their first names. Amazing how many people still use Mr. John Smith & Guest. Yikes!

People RSVP and indicate how many are coming. That's your cue to make individual phone calls and do what you need to do.

Personally, I'd want my guests to have fun and if they're going to have more fun by bringing someone along whom they enjoy spending time with, then all the merrier.

When the economy interferes with social graces and tact, it's time to downscale the festivities. Better to have a classy barbecue in the backyard where everyone feels welcome and then an upscale bash where the cash register is cha-chinging in your head.

Toots? Wow!

dolfingirl2000 · 03-12-2009, 09:58 PM

Hi BoopRN~~

Congrats on your wedding and I wouldn't worry about whether or not you made a faux pas. Your friend isn't acting like much of a friend if you ask me. She's acting like a prima donna who really needs to get over herself. I can't even believe that someone who is a very good friend would basically try to make you invite her new boyfriend to your wedding when you don't even know him. I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like she's doing and that doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.

You know what I just thought of? Maybe there's another reason that she can't go--like financial reasons? Is that a possibility and maybe she's using the going alone thing as an excuse to avoid embarrassment? Some people are a little weird and they don't want to discuss financial hardships.

Either way, you have a great day and don't worry about anything other than your wedding.

Vicki

mamaspank · 03-12-2009, 10:13 PM

I've never heard the living together, engaged or married qualifier in the eight years of officiating weddings before. I have seen invites that make it very clear to leave kids home, that it is an adult occasion. I would be very offended if I was your friend. Maybe she is just saying the reason for her not attending is because she doesn't want to go alone is because her feelings are hurt.

junebug41 · 03-12-2009, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnAbsoluteDiva

\ Amazing how many people still use Mr. John Smith & Guest. Yikes!

When the economy interferes with social graces and tact, it's time to downscale the festivities. Better to have a classy barbecue in the backyard where everyone feels welcome and then an upscale bash where the cash register is cha-chinging in your head.

Toots? Wow!

What's wrong with that? We did that on a couple of our single friend's invites-it sure beat putting "John Smith and the girl he's hooking up with whose name we can't remember"

I agree with the second part, though. Perhaps it's just a different school of thought, but I had a destination wedding (well, in my home town, which is a resort and was a destination wedding for most of the guests) and we thought it would just suck for people having to drop all that money to come to our wedding only to be dateless.

aneleh · 03-12-2009, 11:16 PM

I understand your reasoning behind it, and wanting a small intimate wedding. I think judging how much someone's significant other means to them by the amount of time they have been going out does not really work. I have friends who were dating for 4 months before getting married, and they're still together. Although everyone's different.

zenor77 · 03-12-2009, 11:16 PM

The only thing that would be considered a faux pas is the e-mail. It would have probably been better to address the issue on a one-on-one basis only if it came up. Other than that, you did nothing wrong and I don't feel you are being selfish to not invite a guy you've never met.

I also understand why your friend doesn't want to go alone. Weddings can be hard to attend alone when they are local. I can see how certain personalities wouldn't want to go stag to a destination wedding. Just as you have the right to invite who you want, she has the right to decline. No ones feelings should be hurt on either side IMO.

Also, especially in regards to weddings you have to travel to, you can't expect everyone to show up. Not everyone can afford it.

As far as addressing an invitation ... and guest, that really isn't considered proper etiquette. Even in this day and age. I mean, how hard is it to call your friend and ask the name of who they are dating? Perhaps if you tried and couldn't find out? I'm sure only etiquette sticklers would care, but those are the rules if you want to follow them.

BoopRN~ I have yet to hear of a wedding where someone wasn't offended or upset about something someone did. Usually, in hind site it's for something unimportant (at least it was with my wedding.) I still can't quite figure out why everyone gets so emotionally vested in a wedding (except for the couple of course.) It really doesn't matter what you do, whether faux pas or not, someone's feelings will more than likely get hurt. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. Create the wedding you and your intended want, that's what matters.

junebug41 · 03-12-2009, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zenor77

As far as addressing an invitation ... and guest, that really isn't considered proper etiquette. Even in this day and age. I mean, how hard is it to call your friend and ask the name of who they are dating? Perhaps if you tried and couldn't find out? I'm sure only etiquette sticklers would care, but those are the rules if you want to follow them..

Well, I know that in our case, we just allowed people to bring dates, significant other or not. Some people didn't even know who their dates would be until the week before, which would've made addressing the envelope difficult. Of course with people who had serious relationships we named them as well.

.... I'm so glad it's over

Glory87 · 03-13-2009, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zenor77

I also understand why your friend doesn't want to go alone. Weddings can be hard to attend alone when they are local. I can see how certain personalities wouldn't want to go stag to a destination wedding. Just as you have the right to invite who you want, she has the right to decline. No ones feelings should be hurt on either side IMO.

Also, especially in regards to weddings you have to travel to, you can't expect everyone to show up. Not everyone can afford it.

I was going to type something like this, but Zenor did it for me! If you are allowed to say people can't bring a date, your guests are allowed to say they aren't coming because they can't bring a date. I definitely understand your financial concerns, you should be more understanding of her emotional concerns (being dateless at a wedding sucks, even if you're not the only single person there).

AnAbsoluteDiva · 03-13-2009, 08:22 AM

I'm so glad I eloped.

MindiV · 03-13-2009, 08:43 AM

I'm putting myself in your friend's shoes here....and I wouldn't want to hop on a plane and fly somewhere only to spend a day, night or weekend all alone with other people coupled up. A wedding is a romantic sort of occasion, and being alone (even if there are other people alone) isn't any fun at all. Particularly when it's hard to understand WHY other people you two are friends with were able to bring THEIR significant others. Are you really that close to their husbands/wives/fiancees/live-in bfs or gfs that you specifically want them there, and NOT just your friend they happen to be with? Why is your friend's relationship any less special than theirs?

I could see the condition if YOU Were paying for the airfare and rooms, etc....but not if they're flying on their own dime.

I can also understand wanting to keep the affair small and intimate...but barring this guy from the gathering isn't going to get you any closer to meeting him. Or any closer to your friend.

techwife · 03-13-2009, 09:06 AM

My two cents...I think what you need to address here is your need to keep out transient boyfriends and, therefore, alienating a good friend. What's more important? Weddings are all about people getting together to wish you well on the next big section of your life. Why is it so important for you to only have established couples at your wedding or totally single people?

I, for one, would not go. Reason being is that all through my late teens, all of my twenties and much of the beginning of my thirties, I was single. I watched friend after friend after friend get married while I was dating loser after loser after loser. All I ever wanted was to be married. I had the worst luck with guys.

All through this time, going to people's weddings sent me into deep dark serious depressions...especially one wedding I went to where I knew the bride was having a lavish affair with a different man that was AT THE WEDDING! I thought it incredibly unfair that SHE was getting married, whereas I, who would be (and is) as loyal as a dog to my husband, couldn't find anyone!

I have to say, by denying your friend who seems to have the luck I did with men, the choice to bring her boyfriend to an incredibly romantic, intimate affair such as your wedding, seems like you're punishing her for having bad taste in men. Looking at it from her standpoint, I'd be looking at your request like this, in my mind: "Sorry, Kris, but you have incredibly poor taste in men. You can come to my wedding and watch me marry my perfect man, but you have to leave your loser at home and watch in lonely misery while I have the day that you probably will never, ever have." I'm not saying that you are actually thinking this about your friend, but I, for one, would feel that way.

So, no...I for one, wouldn't go to your wedding if I were in her shoes, either. I also, if I were the one getting married, would want my friend there in whatever capacity it took for her to be happy (unless she had a tendency to drink too much and table dance or act like she belongs on the Bret Michael's show), even if it meant bringing along a loser for a boyfriend. At least she'd have someone to sit with and peek out at from the corner of her eye and think, maybe? while she's watching you in wedded bliss and the other established couples. Who knows? YOu might finally meet the guy and actually like him?