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Old 03-10-2009, 11:50 AM   #1  
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Hi everyone.

Things have been rather busy over at my apartment lately. I am still without a job, but I have 3 interviews this week, so here's hoping

Anyways, last night, I came to a terrible realization. I came to the conclusion that I am far too dependent on my husband. Here's what happened: my husband came home and told me that his company is going to pay for him to go on a 4 day trip to Chicago for a really cool conference on Wind Power (he's in the field). He will get to stay at a nice hotel, go to a concert, attend a fancy dinner, and lots of other really cool things. I am really happy for him. I want him to have a good time an enjoy himself. However... when he told me about it, I burst into tears. Like I said, I was really happy for him... but the idea of spending 4 days by myself in our apartment, sleeping in an empty bed... it makes me incredibly sad.

Now here's some back history: We have been together over 8 years now. We spent 6 1/2 years in a long distance relationship. I am no stranger to being separated from him. I have been in a relationship with him since I was 14, so I basically grew up with him always in my life, even if he was very far away. I spent the 2 years before our wedding driving back and forth 2 1/4 hours every weekend to see him, and those two years seem to have scarred me for life, actually. I hated leaving him, because I only saw him once a week, and I would cry all the way back home for those 2 1/4 hours. We always had the habit of making love right before I left, and because of conditioning (oh wonderful psychology) I have a mild panic attack if we ever make love on a saturday night, because I subconsciously feel like I have to get up and leave to go back... and we have been married and living together now for a year and a half. Old habits die hard I guess. But anyways... I guess because we had been separated for so long, when we were finally able to be together... I really latched on tight. It sure didn't help that I moved away from my family and friends to be with him either. In a sense, I feel as though I gave up everything to be with him... and while I don't at all regret my decision, it has left me with some unresolved issues.

I have plans to take up dance classes once I get a job, because I have always wanted to dance and because I think it would be healthy for me to get some activities of my own, without my husband around. I think being in an unfamiliar place, without any friends around has made me too dependent on my husband. I also think that because I practically grew up with him in my life, I have not properly developed the independence that I needed to be a well-rounded adult. God forbid something if ever happens to him... I would need to be able to stand up on my own two feet and make it alone.

I guess I am just looking for other ways, besides a dance class, that I can get out there and be more independent. I feel pathetic for being so upset over him being gone for 4 days. Like a child who gets home-sick when she's away from her mommy. I know I need to grow up and take control of my life and my own independence... I just need ideas on how to accomplish this. Any advice? I know there are a lot of women on here who have much more marriage/relationship experience than I do. I don't know how military wives do it, to be honest... I have so much respect for them, because I don't know how I would ever handle it.
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Old 03-10-2009, 12:18 PM   #2  
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Oh... your story sounds very much like my own, when I was younger. lol

It is VERY normal to not want to be alone. I think most people would feel the same. And I think, well, I know from experience actually, that a lot of what you are feeling stems from feeling isolated and not having friends or family around. You need to find a way to make some friends. I think a dance class is a good way to do that.

I think the most important thing is to tell yourself you WILL be fine while he is gone. And then do it. And you CAN do it.

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Old 03-10-2009, 01:00 PM   #3  
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You just have to find things to do and stay busy while he is away. I am just starting the process of a legal seperation, THAT I DO NOT WANT, and it really did start because I was too controlling. I wanted to be with him ALL the time and didn't want him giong out with other people without me. That was just the start. Many other things have happened since then but I have somehow totally drove him away. So just be careful. Keep being you and allow him to be him. My DH's ultimate reason for the big D is because he thinks that I can't be alone and he is leaving me before I have the chance to leave him (He's deploying in May for a year.)

So, best of luck. Hold on, but not too tight! Find yourself and figure out what you like to do!
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Old 03-10-2009, 01:27 PM   #4  
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I would say you should just recondition yourself. If you are like most women you probably don't have a problem going shopping by yourself or running errands but the thought of going out to lunch or to a movie or something alone makes you cringe. If your husband is a football fan, why don't you go take in a movie matinee while his game is on to give each of you two some alone time. Or go get a coffee and read a magazine in a cafe by yourself. Step out of your box a little. If you like museums, go to a museum. He will enjoy a little alone time and you will find you sort of like it too. You say you are out of work right now so while he is away would be a good time to clean out that closet you never got around to, or maybe do a little volunteer work. Check out some websites for women's shelters, homeless shelters, animal shelters, hospitals etc. Almost every charity has some room for volunteers. It will keep you busy and your mind off of things and it will make you feel great that you helped in some way. Buy a book you have been wanting to read and commit to reading it while he is away.

I was in a long distance relationship with my husband before we married, so trust me I know how you feel. But now that we are married, it is important to both of us to have "me" time. I think the best thing my husband I do for one another is to give each other permission to say "I love you, but I don't want to be around you right now." It sounds harsh but we both know where the other is coming from. We don't use it that often, but when we do, he will take our son to the park, or his mother's house and I get some time alone at home, and when he needs some space he will go golfing, or I'll take our son to the park. My husband is a football fan, so I make it a point to let him have 4 hours on sunday to watch his game. If we do plan something together that interfers with his football, I try and make sure he is able to get home at least by the second half. As a result he respects me when I want to take a nap, or spend some time alone. It's really the healthiest thing you can do for a relationship, and for yourself. You see so often women define themselves by their husbands and children, and when the children leave home or grow up and something happens to the husband, or their marriage ends, they have no clue who they are. Getting some alone time gives you the opportunity to think about who you are as an individual, which makes you a better partner in a couple.
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Old 03-10-2009, 01:41 PM   #5  
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Well, I am a military wife. I've been married for 4 years and have only spent a whole year with my hubby (well..2 years in Aug, because he's on shore duty now). I've made it through 2 deployments. Both of which I was really depressed over. The first one was sorta easy, because I was planning our wedding..the 2nd one was extremely hard because my mom had passed away a few months before, I had to go through the whole thing totally alone.

During deployments and workups, I've learned to stay busy. I'd go out with friends, I took up scrapbooking. I cleaned and shopped a lot, lol. But when my hubby comes home..I'm like super glued to him.

I'm very close to my hubby. I hate being without him. I hate going months and months without seeing him. It hurts and it sucks when he misses my birthday and holidays. So when he's home, I try to spend all my time with him, and we vowed to never be apart for more than a week if we have to.

But now that he's on shore duty..I'm venturing out on my own. I go to my friend's house when I can. Trying new things on my own. I would love to take a dance class too..but I dont think they're offering any at our gym. So I'm trying to look for a new gym that I can go to, that we can afford.

But ya..just keep yourself busy!! 4 days goes by really fast, believe me!!! You can even waste a lot of time by watching movies or tv!!
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Old 03-10-2009, 03:06 PM   #6  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shopaholic1204 View Post
I would love to take a dance class too..but I dont think they're offering any at our gym. So I'm trying to look for a new gym that I can go to, that we can afford.

Check out your local community college. They probably offer various dance classes that meet twice a week.
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Old 03-10-2009, 04:16 PM   #7  
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I think being in an unfamiliar place, without any friends around has made me too dependent on my husband.
That's the issue, plain and clear.

Here are some ways to get out into the world and meet people so you're not feeling so alone:
  • join a church and go to the socials they offer (and don't get me wrong here--I'm not into organized religion at all but I do see how they can be good for socializing)
  • join the YMCA or other community gym--take some classes, talk to people, see if you can get a workout buddy
  • check to see if there are any community centers around and see what kinds of things they offer

Of course, getting a job will certainly help, too! I moved hundreds of miles away from my family when my husband was offered a job. Thankfully we knew three other people here. But I was pregnant and scared and I didn't meet anyone new until after I had the baby and found a job. It was a lonely time for sure--DH worked more than 12 hours a day and I felt like I never saw him. I had no idea how to meet people.
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Old 03-10-2009, 05:02 PM   #8  
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Have you thought about finding something social that is essentially free like volunteering somewhere? Just let them know once you start work you will only be able to volunteer when you have time off but it would give you something to do on your own and meet people.
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Old 03-11-2009, 07:02 PM   #9  
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My Mom was a Navy wife. My Dad did 20 years in the Navy and my Mom who was a very resourceful and remarkable woman did everything from mow the grass to fixing the roof.

My Dad went to Vietnam twice once for 18 months. My little sister didn't know who he was when he came back and was scared to death of him. He would be gone for 6 month deployments at a time. If the marriage is strong it can withstand this and more.

And this was back in the 60's and 70's when there was no Internet (they email each other now) or cell phones so when your Dad was gone he was GONE!

Only contact was letter and my Mom and Dad each had tiny reel to reel tape recorders, this was before cassettes even! LOL! (OK now I am dating myself.) And us kids used to sing into the tape for my Dad and it would get mailed to him and he might get it in 2 or 3 months.

They lived through this and so can you! My advice is for you to see a professional counselor and tell them everything you wrote hear and they can help you.

You have a fear issue and it revolves around your husband. You need to find out that there is a life out there for YOU!

Oh yeah... fast forward to now and my Dad has been retired twice now from the military and then the civil service and now they are elderly and home all the time together 24/7 and they argue all the time now!

My Mom has actually said she missed the days when my Dad would go to work and she could have some peace instead of him being underfoot ALL the time she said it drove her nuts at first! LOL!
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