[Lori Bell]

Why is everyone so nice??? I've been getting into these ruts lately where I'm just "tired" of being good. So I read here in hopes to get re-motivated, and it helps 99% of the time. I'm still losing weekly, although it is much slower and sometimes daunting.

Sooo, I'm reading along and then I find what I'm looking for, a post from a fellow foodie coming clean about a binge, confession time, accountability, or what ever you want to call it. After several pats on the back, and a "we are all human" speech, all is well, and the binge is "forgiven". Yeah...it's the excuse I've been searching for to head for the pantry...(well this time it was the kids Valentine's candy they were bombarded with at school and church.

I went so long without ever cheating, and now since the holidays it has happened 5 or 6 times. I don't want a licence to binge, I want someone to say, "What in the h*ll are you doing? STOP IT!!!" Though of course, I NEVER ASK FOR HELP before I blow it. It's like my mind is made up and of course like the old days I'm ALWAYS alone in the house. (Another bad habit not cured yet)

Yesterday my husband came home with a bouquet of flowers and I felt so ashamed. I told him I didn't deserve them and about eating approx 1500 calories just in candy. (not including my calories from my "healthy" meals.) He's so sweet and assures me I do, but I feel like I failed him, our family, myself.

Thankfully my binges have been controlled, and I have actually counted the calories and stayed below what I used to consume daily...but still it feels like I'm slipping, and haven't learned anything from all the hard work I put into becoming healthy. It scares the heck out of me....I haven't even reached my "overweight" goal of 175 yet and I'm already screwing up.

I'm done whining

[saef]

Are you saying, does reading about bingeing here on the Web site possibly make you more inclined to binge yourself?

Yeah, I worry about that. Binge porn, is what I want to call it. When I get in that mood, I try to avoid that part of the forum.

[Fat Chick B Gone]

I think it's different strokes for different folks. I'm like you and find the "it's okay" posts enabling and not helpful. I imagine others feel they do help. I just avoid those types of posts and have to pyscially restrain my hands from typing out "Seriously? Again?" on some posts

[Lori Bell]

Originally Posted by saef

Are you saying, does reading about bingeing here on the Web site possibly make you more inclined to binge yourself?

Yeah, I worry about that. Binge porn, is what I want to call it. When I get in that mood, I try to avoid that part of the forum.

Yes, you nailed it. Never thought of it as "binge porn"...but that pretty much sums it up.

[WormwoodDoll]

I can understand a bit. Sometimes we need to be yelled at to stop. My fiance is always nice to me. "Oh, it's okay." "You can eat this once in awhile". Sometimes I just want a slap in the face and be told "What the **** are you doing?!". I mean, I want to be able to eat a piece of chocolate or a scoop of ice cream, because let's get real -- I can't say I'll NEVER eat that stuff again and this is for life. But if I'm diggin' in the whole pint, that's NOT what I want to be doing.

[Shannon in ATL]

I hear what you are saying on the 'it will be okay honey, tomorrow is a new day' kind of messages. I have myself sometimes looked for them when I wanted to go overboard, even said them to myself sometimes. Kind of like confession, just before I do the thing, not after... Sometimes I do need a kick in the head instead of forgiveness - unfortunately it is hard to know when a person needs which response, and the kick in the head responses often make people angry...

[junebug41]

The flowers thing really stuck out at me.

I think people need to be realistic and face the facts about food accountability. Nowhere in this scenario will you find the word "punishment"!!

Be accountable, Lori. Going off plan, wandering off the reservation is HUMAN. If you don't accept that this is a possibility, it makes it all that much easier to stick your head in the sand. For me, not facing up to it just leads to denial! That's why I had to start weighing again every single day.

Lori, we make choices every single day. Some choices are better than others. This does NOT mean that you deserve some kind of punishment, like your husband not doting on you! Food does not equal love, nor does it equal hate (as cliche as that sounds).

And let me tell you something else, when I hit goal 4 years ago I was freaking out. Can I start drinking wine again? Can I have pizza sometimes?? I had no idea. But I found 3FC and that has helped guide the way. It answered a lot of questions without answering them for me.

Lori, you're here- and as far as I'm concerned, you are already a leg up because of it. This is one bump of many down the line. You WILL learn to navigate these, ok?

[junebug41]

Originally Posted by Lori Bell

Yes, you nailed it. Never thought of it as "binge porn"...but that pretty much sums it up.

Interesting. I can honestly say I never thought of it that way, but it's a very valid point. Maybe I need to revise my previous post.

[junebug41]

Originally Posted by Shannon in ATL

Sometimes I do need a kick in the head instead of forgiveness - unfortunately it is hard to know when a person needs which response, and the kick in the head responses often make people angry...

Shannon, you can kick me in the head any time.

What I love about this place that I don't see out in the world is people (including myself) being called out on excuses. Sometimes people really really don't like it, but there seems to be a lower tolerance here, which I need.

[daniela]

I kind of get jealous of the binge posts, crazy huh. I would love to go nuts sometimes and eat everything in the house but I don't because mmm I don't know, I just don't. If I want a treat I work it into my plan or I'll go over a couple hundred calories occasionally (I try to workout more that day if I know I'm going out and I'll eat more). I think the big thing is to not beat your self up about "going over plan" look, just don't go crazy and binge there's no need to take it to extremes. I don't post in binge type treads because I don't want to offend by saying STOP why are you doing this.

Lori, now that we know you need a kick in the a** from time to time we can do that I'm like you if I'm slipping or obsessing about something weight related I want someone to set me straight not sugar coat it. It's easier with friends in real life because they know your personality.

With that said STOP binging and have a reasonable treat now and then to stay sane. Lori you've been a huge inspiration to me so don't mess it up!!

[JayEll]

Oh, I really do get tired of the "enabling" responses, because it's like, if someone feels guilty enough, and gets forgiven, then it's all OK. Well, it is NOT OK in my book to do some of the things that members describe.

Yes, I am very familiar with choosing to eat foods or amounts that I shouldn't be eating if I'm trying to lose or maintain. And I know what the consequences of those choices will be. I know who is in charge and who is to blame for it. It's like junebug41 said--people are accountable for their actions. Crying about it is not a solution; changing behavior is.

I'm sure most of you are aware that I can pull out the drill sergeant icons from time to time when I sense that a fellow member needs some tough talk. I try to do it with some humor, though, and with kindness. Just because I may not agree with "don't beat yourself up" in every case, that doesn't mean I get to beat anyone up!

That said, Lori Bell, I think you are being too hard on yourself. There, I said it. Yes, you feel lousy and out of control. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve flowers from your husband.

What you need to do is STOP IT! There, I said that too!! If you can't be alone in the house with candy, throw away the candy! or get out of the house! Don't turn this into a battle of will.

Also, check your calorie level. Make sure you are eating enough. Make sure you have some friendly snacks around. You know what to do.

Hang in there!

Jay

[saef]

The forums are a very useful tool, but they have their limits. Sometimes, you'll find they may not be the best place to be.

My problem is that my Web surfing takes place in isolation, and that's akin to the state in which I'm most inclined to binge.

You need to listen to yourself. Take a lot of soundings of your emotional state. If something feels "fuzzy" or not right inside you, and you know you are vulnerable, then step away from the computer. Get away from those posts here where people are describing consuming a pan full of something. (As a writer trying to make her post more vivid & relatable to my readers, I could specify what that pan is full of, but I won't, because I know how suggestible people can be when they are vulnerable. I know the effect such posts can have. We have to be very careful sometimes.) If you know that an image of that pan full of something is going to float just above your head all day, until it starts actually seeming like a solution to your sense of unease, then stay out of that part of the forums. There are other parts of the site that could better serve you. Or maybe get out of the isolation of viewing the posts here & find your real-life distraction, the one that's physically there, in your house with you. The friend you can actually call on the phone. The walk you can actually take out of doors.

We can help here, but we can't do it all for you, and in some moods, with the wrong post, we might inadvertently hurt. It's good to know yourself & know the limits of what you can get from certain remedies & distractions.

[Glory87]

It is hard sometimes - some people WANT the kick in the butt, some people just want their hand held because they feel bad they messed up. I tend to err on the side of hand holding, because we all mess up and it's truly not the end of the world.

When I eat off plan, I always try to think "why did I do that?" Was I hungry, bored, deprived, had no plan going in (like how to handle a buffet)? I might think how I could handle the situation better the next time. Then, I forgive myself, because really - what's the alternative - NOT forgiving myself? I have lived in that pit of self-hatred and self-loathing when I wasn't "perfect" and it was pretty terrible. My biggest goal after eating off plan is to get RIGHT back on track.

I try to use my own system to help other people who seem to want help - figure out what happened, plan how to do better the next time, forgive, move on.

I know some people aren't as lucky as I am - I can de-junk the house so I'm not tempted all the time. Other people just can't!

[kaplods]

I don't consider the blame-free or reassuring posts at all "enabling," but then again I never found harshness at myself or harshness from others as beneficial in any way. Getting angry, upset, disappointed or disgusted with myself never did me an ounce of good when it came to my eating, it just made me feel more worthless, and less worthy of all good things. But self-punishment gets old, and a glimmer of self-pity would arrive (but before self-respect) and I'd soothe my pain with carbohydrates.

Taking the blame, moralizing and deprivation out of dieting may have saved my life. It definitely allowed me to have life in my life, and it stopped the self-hatred/self-pity cycle that is so often part of the tradition of dieting.

For me, deprivation dieting doesn't work. Inevitably, the drill seargent in me gets soft and feels sorry for herself, but not confident, strong or valued enough to console or comfort without using food, the ultimate frenemy. So destructive and deadly, yet always available, dependable and soothing (in the moment).

Looking at healthy behaviors as a skill, like any other, I can be patient with myself and yet steadily make progress. Like playing a musical instrument, I can only improve with practice (but I don't have to get angry at myself in order to practice, I just have to remember that I want to learn to play the instrument of my body better).

When I was little, I wanted to play the organ so badly. I begged for music lessons, and the first year went great. As the pieces got harder, instead of being able to play several songs of my choice, I had to study pieces that the teacher assigned and all week would have to practice the song, whether I liked the song or not. If I played a song I liked instead of the homework, or if I didn't like the homework song, my mom would get very angry and stand over me when I practiced, transforming what I loved into a dreaded chore. It ultimately ended my interest in music. Several years ago, on an impulse I bought an electronic keyboard and am having a lot of fun with it, because I'm letting my interest determine what I choose to play. I had forgotten the joy that playing a musical instrument can bring when you're doing what you love because you love it.

I'm learning to treat my body like that. I'm not eating food I hate in order to get the body I want. I'm not sacrificing my life in order to hopes of a better life in the future.

Traditional dieting has an attitude of deprivation. You sacrifice what you want (say a candy bar) in order to get what you want more (a healthy body). There's nothing wrong with that per se, except that if you're only taking away things from your life, feelings of deprivation are a natural response. Basic behavioral science shows that punishment is far less effective than rewards in shaping behavior. It works not only on rats and pigeons, but on all creatures including human beings.

Taking the punishment out of dieting is surprisingly still a revolutionary concept. We're conditioned to think we are bad because we are fat. Instead, I see that I am fat because eating had rewards that no punishment was strong enough to overcome (electric shocks don't prevent rats from choosing tastey food over bland food, either). Rewarding myself for (or even by) making healthy choices has been a lot more effective (and makes for a much more pleasant journey). It is a little slower than the hard-core drill seargeant way, but I also see the path I'm taking as one I can live with my entire life and enjoy. I don't want to spend my life in bootcamp.

[corazonas]

I think a lot of people are super nice on the board because 1. they're all super nice people and 2. you kind of don't want to be the jerk that says 'you suck' for not doing what you're supposed to be. especially if they're worried about really upsetting somebody because let's face it, we don't know everybody's personality around here.

i try to be that 'kill em with kindness' type of person and i can give em encouragement with the best of them BUT if i can see somebody's struggling and won't get super offended and all hurt because i crushed their spirit or whatever, i'm the kind of person that will tell you STOP.

so lori, it's NOT ok to use this site as an excuse. this place is a tool. a really fun, carefree, sometimes soul crushing tool. you should come here to learn and share and chat vent and be ecstatic or be pissed off or whatever else you need but do it without the box of chocolates sitting next to you. nobody is responsible for you but YOU and using other people's positive feedback as a free pass is crap. but you know it's crap so there's no reason to do it anymore.

that being said, there's a bunch of people here that care about you and want to see you succeed- me being one of them. so i hope the next time you want to eat your whole day away in a bag of cookies or a gallon of ice cream or whatever that you'll pm me. or pm SOMEBODY. or post. you CAN do this- even if you do need your butt kicked around once in a while (which i'll be more than happy to oblige)