So it's been far to long since I was on here. I've haven't been going to the gym and I've been inhaling everything in my sight lately. I doesn't help that I've been on the road for the last 3 week and have been eating out 3 meals a day. My weight is way up... but anyways....
I went over to my parents place last night to give my mom her birthday present. I wasn't looking forward to going over, b/c lately everytime I see my parents I feel like I'm being critiqued. It's just the looks that they give me. I gave my momr her card, and she looked at me at told me that I've been gaining weight. I got super defensives, b/c really who wants to hear that and who especially wants to hear that on valentines day!?! I started crying and said some things that I probably shouldn't have, nothing overly cruely but the kind of things you say when you're hurt. I know I hurt my mom and I'm sorry for that, but I felt hurt and lashed out. I found out in the course of our coversation/spat that my mom is on tranquilizers and slepping pills b/c her brother and parents are being quite hurtful/mean regard a family property. Then she told me that my "not loving myself enough the the fact that something was obvisiouly wrong with me wasn't making her life any easier." She firmly believes that I'm depressed, b/c in her words "what 25 year old doesn't care at all what she looks like. It's obvious that you've given up on yourself"
I apoligized for the things I said and left to go to my bf's house for dinner and my parents went out. I called my mom to day to ask a questions and she's super distant on the phone. It's like she's detached from me, she's never ever been like that before we've always been super close. I just feel like I'm such a failure to my parents lately. I haven't been going to the gym, I've gained weight, I dropped out of a distance studies course I was taking, my house isn't clean enough. I just lately feel like I'm not good enough. I'm scared too, b/c I don't like feeling like my mom's pulling away from me.
I just don't know what's wrong with me, my mom's right I am gaining weight and it's like I just don't care. I do care, but I'm not doing anything to prevent it. I know that I should order the fish when I'm on the road for dinner, but I order the burger and fries instead. I just wish I could figure out what's wrong with me. My dad, has said that he'll help me see a nutritionist and if I want to see a psychologist, he'll pay for that too. I have the number of the nurtionist at the gym my dad and I are members of, so I guess that's a starting place.
Sorry this is so long just needed a place to ramble and get all my feeling out, I'm coming back to 3FC I definately need some support and I feel like you guys are a good start.
Ugh...I'm sorry you are feeling so down. My parents have passed away for many years now, but oh, when they were alive, they could tell immediately if I gained 1 pound! Oh how they loved me when I was thin, and how disappointed they were in me when I was fat. Their comments cut like a knife and I remember how defensive I would get. Just thinking about it is giving me an anxiety attack! The only thing it taught me, and hopefully will teach you, is how NOT to treat your own children. (When and if you have them).
Hang in there. Do the best you can, and know that no one is perfect. Sorry you are having a tough time
It's funny, my parents are gennerly the most supportive people around. If I decided I wanted to go to clown college tomorrow, they'd be helping me research the best clown colleges out there. I know they love me regardless of what I weigh, but they just want me to be happy and healthy and my mom has it in her head that I'm neither of those right now.
Part of it stems from the fact that my aunt (dad's sister) is my spitting image. I look exactly like her at my age and our mannerism are identical. She's had some serious health issues over the last several years and just 2 weeks ago we thought she wasn't going to make it. I'm sure that her being so ill has my parents frightened. Since the two of us are so like I'm sure that is what is bothering my parents. I know my mom is frighten that I'll end up like my aunt: in and out of the hospital and servely depressed.
I don't blame them for being worried....and I'm probably projecting some of my own issues and insecurties in what I think they feeling and making me feel. *sigh* thanks for letting me vent some more.
I'm sorry that things have gotten to be so hard in your life right now. Have you considered the possibility that you're eating for emotional reasons, looking for something your life isn't giving you? I know it seems like emotional eating is just some fat woman crying over a tub of ice cream, but that's not really the case most of the time. Many of us don't realize that our emotions and needs are affecting what we're eating until much later (if ever), and we feel "fine" when we reach out for the fries. All we know is that those foods are what we want, that they are somehow good.
For some people it's because these crappy foods bring on a bit of lethargy, which can feel like a calming effect for some people. For others, food reminds them subconsciously about good times with family or friends, or subconsciously "reward" yourself with food. You've had a hard couple of weeks, you can't "diet" right now, right? It's not that eating well takes up a lot of energy, it's that eating well doesn't have what you're looking for, whether it's a reward or a feeling of social/family happiness.
Anyway, it seems like it could be a possibility for you. Also, the fact that you don't want to do a lot of the things you used to care about is in fact a sign of at least mild depression. The word depression isn't as dramatic as we have made it out to be in our society, but it can affect what you're doing in your life right now and therefore make it harder for you to be happier in the near future. Though you may not be depressed to the point where you would need meds, it's more than likely that what you need is a positive change in your life to shake you out of this.
Or, it could just be depression symptoms caused by too much stress. Stress from gaining weight, your job, your life, your mom, your friends/family...you get the idea. It really builds up and manifests itself physically in your body, perhaps sapping you of the energy and desire to do the things you used to want to.
Sorry you're struggling Are you home for a while or do you have to get back out on the road? It sounds like your mom is going through her own stuff and just like you said, it's easy to project onto someone who is a spitting image. Hopefully, you'll be able to get back into some sense of "normal". I know when I'm going 100 mph I forget to come up for air...
I can kind of relate. My mom has issues with her weight and over the years she has made little comments that have really cut deep. It seems no matter what I do well in life my mom seems to be slightly disappointed in me if I am a little over weight. My mom and I are close in every other way but weight is a really hard topic for us. I am sure that the distance between you and your mother will get better soon. I hope you can find the time to take care of yourself.
I was ready to be understanding since your mother has a tough time going on ... until she said you're causing her stress because you've gained a few pounds. That just makes me so steaming angry. That's, oh, a wee bit beyond self-centered. Just remember that she's taking out her own pain on you. Doesn't make her right. Your weight is simply not the be-all and end-all about you. How ridiculous is that?
I agree with Julie, I don't think there is something huge wrong with you! I would think it's incredibly hurtful and selfish if my parents made me feel guilty for my weight gain and that it was causing them stress, it would just make me feel so insecure and things would get worst. Maybe you should stop looking for approval from your parents, after all you can take care of yourself!
Could it be that you've stopped trying to be healthy because you were doing it for the wrong reasons?
I think both your mom and you are stressed out...and we all know that when we are stressed out, it's hard to be open minded and become rather protective of ourselves and defensive. As you said, you and your mom have always been close and maybe that's why she didn't realize how much her comment would hurt you. And to top it off, she is also worried because of yoru aunt. People can say one thing but in many different ways, and that's what matters. Obviously, your mom is at the age where she has her set ways. What about talk to her about your feelings? And also try to listen to her too?
Don't let it get to you too much and we know that you are strong enough to get back on the wagon. Maybe you need a GOOD motivation that you can focus on so that you will get fish instead of burger and fries, and you will get up and move around rather than sit back and watch TV. Can you think of anything?
I'm back and I'm scared....
