So i have a guy friend that I am close to (platonic) and he has a gf that hates me never met me lol until now she wont let him hang out with me until I meet her!!! I dont know what to do. the reason y she wants to meet me She said she wouldn't be ok with u and I hanging out alone. She thinks that we would do something. and i was like ur ok with this and he said i dont want any conflicts. he wants the best of both worlds. lol go fig lol but i had that situation be4 with another gf of his and it turned out UGLY! i want to be friends with him but i dont need a babysitter. im 26, hes 27 and shes 20 so there is insecurities there, but still. i dont know if i should go n if i do how should I act? i need help lol i dont want her to keep my from my best friend.
Last edited by CurvaceousCutie; 01-26-2009 at 04:37 PM.
I'd go along with it and meet her, especially if he's going along with her wishes. Seems to me that if he is, you'll lose him as a friend if you don't. Not much you can do other than meet her and see what happens...
Speaking from the side of a former insecure girlfriend...it's HARD hearing your boyfriend talk a lot about a girl he's known WAY longer than you. You hear about all the good times they have, about their inside jokes and the things they've done together. I dated a guy who had a female best friend, and he talked about her constantly. They texted while we were together. She came over one night to meet me, and I knew it just wasn't going to work. In my case, I'd had this FEAR that he liked her as more than a friend, and meeting her reinforced it. We broke up and they started dating.
That's probably not true in your case, but that's probably the girlfriend's fear. Meet her and make it clear it's platonic between the two of you. Things may just work out, and if they stay together you'll have two friends, rather than one!
Bless, she is prob insecure because he has talked about you so much, but I would deal with the problem directly.
Speak to your friend and tell him this makes you feel weird. Say that you have no problem meeting her, but you do not feel like he should get permission to hang out.
You could trying meeting with her in a larger group of friends as well so its less intense for you, and remember that you are his friend, she has no right to make you feel uncomfortable.
I have lots of male friends and this problem tends to raise its ugly head once in a while. I tend to try and make nice with the gfs as early as possible but I would firmly remind your friend that you are way past high school and you don't want to start playing those games.
its up to him to stick up for your friendship and let her know where he stands on this.
he is only doing it cuz they fight about me n he doesnt want fighting anymore between them about me. he sees both sides of both or our cases. so hes in the middle. well i do know that were not going to end up dating cuz it would have happened already. and i really dont think he talks about me tho. as far as going in big groups i dont need an audience to there but if we do it just the three of us it will be AWKWARD lol what bout her and I just going out??? would that be weird n uncomfortable never tried it that way???
Maybe the two of you should go out, like you said...not having him around could take some of the tension out of the situation. No tension on YOUR part, but she'll be watching like a hawk for a sign or something. Yeah...you and her go out to dinner or something, and just talk. Make it clear to her that you're his friend, and his friend ONLY. Just doing this will make it where you're not a mystery anymore...she'll have a face with the name and she'll know your intentions aren't to keep the two of them apart...
I had the exact same thing! My best friend, a guy, who I've known since FOREVER, had a girlfriend who forbid him from seeing me, even talking to me. HE went missing for what felt like eternity, and when he finally started returning my calls etc., he told me his "ex" didn't want him to be near me cuz she thought we were gonna hook up! I basically told him that if it were me, having a guy tell me I couldn't see him, I'd tell the other guy to take a hike. Perhaps a group setting would be easiest, I wouldn't just go meet her, I'd think that'd be her chance to threaten ya! Perhaps a group setting, with all of you and friends, where you could be there but not too close would be best. And make a point of not doing anything to make her feel like you're more than friends with the guy. My friend suggested bowling with all of our friends, and that was ok until she started getting jealous of my "flirty-friendly" ways.
i dont think it will happen because last night him and i were talking and i told him there needed to be some ground rules if we do go out all 3 of us and he complied to them but she doesnt want to. she knows im right with my rules on it but its the fact that i made them. apparently all they did was fight about me last night. here were my 2 rules: 1. the only pda that is allowed was holding hands. the reason 4 that the last time i met his other gfs they were on him like white on rice and it was gross n its rude other ppl are trying to eat not just me. and 2. was the fact they there were certain ppl that cant be brought between the 3 of us. and that reasoning cuz that would have caused a scene is that was brought up. so i wont know. until fri cuz hes going to convince her to meet me i supp. but i know he breought the rules cuz him and are hanging out sat morn when shes at wrk cuz he hasnt seen me in over month and wants time to hang out 4 a bit. lol
so she changed her mind, she wants to meet me on Sunday. honestly i'm conflicted whether i'm going to show up or not. honestly i don't feel like this is a win win situation all around 4 all of us. like he said. i have express that to him and he like disregards them. hes giving me an ultimatum. basically i have to show and be nice or else our friendship is over. 1st off u don't give ur friends that when you've been friends 4 10+yrs. honestly this is a crappy situation cuz i feel like i always jump hoops 4 him and i get nothing in return as far as being friends except that he is shiasty. n every1 says i should let go of him n not show up but its easier said than done. i had asked my other guy friends and they think he is a fool for making me do this. i can understand that he wanted to be with her 4 ever and was getting a ring, but hes not they have been dating only a month and they have both cheated on each other, so i certainly don't think it will last. so i dont know anymore i need a decision by sun at noon lol. my heart says not to go but the mind says go.
Last edited by CurvaceousCutie; 01-31-2009 at 12:35 AM.
I might be totally misremembering this, but isn't this the same guy that you did have feelings for but then nothing happened? If so then I would say she probably senses that there's something between you, and that's why she's acting this way.
I wouldn't be pushed into doing something that you don't want to do. I mean, what are the chances that you two would really hit it off and become friends? It's funny, I've heard stories about guys introducing their girlfriends to their wives because they thought that they had a lot in common and would get along great It's not your job to tie everything up for him in a nice neat package and get him off the hook with his girlfriend. I'd tell him that you value his friendship and want to remain friends with him, but that it's not your job to reassure her and establish trust between them. That's his job. She either trusts him or she doesn't.
If he wants to hang out with you then great, and if he can't for awhile because of her then that's too bad, but while you can maintain your boundaries and be supportive, you can't fix this for him.
honestly, if your heart is saying no then that's your answer.
you've asked people outside the situation and they've told you what they thought; and I would agree with them. He is having you jump through way too many hoops.
I can see on the other side though how it would look if you didn't show up, but who cares.
best of luck to you today! let us know your decision
JoyfulVegGirl- i do have feelings 4 him on occasion lol but she doesnt know that and neither does any of my other friends do. as far as him i think knows and i think he uses that to his advantage. i never met her and i dont know what she knows about me cuz he wont say what she knows about me.
well he ended up calling me sat night to cancel on me cuz something happened to his mom apparently ( i dont know how true that is) i was livid cuz always calls and cancels at the last moment supp were doing this next wkend if i show up. lol im like yelling at him cuz its like y should i do this and all he says cuz i have too if u want to remain friends.
That doesn't sound very equal. I wouldn't be so sure about her not knowing about your feelings for him. If I remember right he always seems to have a girlfriend who has issues with your boundaries, and you really can't be sure what he's telling her. If I had to bet I'd say that he's ok with the attention he's getting and is pretty happy with playing you both off of each other. This way he doesn't have to make a choice or be responsible for the outcome.
I'm sure he's a really nice guy and has tons of great qualities that make him a good friend, but his way of dealing with this is really immature, and since it seems to be a pattern with him I'd make him deal with it this time. You may like him and care about him but that doesn't mean that he gets to call all the shots or be issuing ultimatums. It wouldn't be worth the hassle to me. JMO.
JoyfulVegGirl-ur right, but i wish he would stop being immature n step up to the plate and handle this. i wish i knew how to handle this situation better so it wrk all ways.
It would be really nice if there were the perfect solution to all of it, but you can't really solve this problem for them because it's not your problem, if that makes sense. All you can do is maintain your own end of it and try not to cross any boundaries as far as your feelings for him goes.
I kept having issues like this in my life a while back where I would bend over backwards to change things for people, and sometimes go so far out of my way to prevent problems for people that it ended up being exhausting for me. Someone sent me this link and it really helped.
A lot of it is about dealing with addictions in others, but some of it could apply here too, like this part -
Quote:
II. They might learn more about cause and effect.
My not intervening allows others to have an uninterrupted experience of the cause and effect relationship between their actions and the natural consequences of those actions. In this way, they have a direct encounter with their personal power to contribute to their own pleasure or pain. Allowing people to have appropriate sized, real problems, and real responsibility for working out their solutions, seems to greatly facilitate this
learning.
Whenever I find myself struggling with the impulse to step-in and begin trying to manage another's life or solve his or her problems, I find it helpful to review the four points just presented. They strongly motivate me to remain lovingly detached.
Yeah, I think she is probably picking up on the fact that you and he have unfinished business, or potential business, together. No wonder why she feels insecure!
I don't think you should be making "rules" about meeting. The only "rule" should be that you do everything possible to make her feel comfortable, because you are welcoming her into your "friend's" life.
He sounds totally passive-aggressive ... "doesn't want to be in conflict" (yet continuing to do things to encourage the conflict).
OT: I don't know what to do
It's not your job to tie everything up for him in a nice neat package and get him off the hook with his girlfriend. I'd tell him that you value his friendship and want to remain friends with him, but that it's not your job to reassure her and establish trust between them. That's his job. She either trusts him or she doesn't. 
