My day was going fine and a trip to the post office screwed it over. *We have a PO Box in addition to getting mail at our apartment.* I always take a moment to look through it and make sure they didn't give us someone else's mail, like they've done before. I came across a card, an envelope with my handwriting on it. The mailing address scribbled out, our return address circled and "Return to sender" written on it...in my mom's writing. It was the anniversary card I sent my parents last month...she didn't even open it! OMG! At this point I'm more angry than upset, I can't believe she can't even just look at it.
I'm sure this doesn't make any sense to anybody...so here's the long story made short: I married someone my mom didn't approve of. She, nor did her parents(my grandparents), come to the wedding. I got pregnant with our first son, she was back in our lives when I was almost 9 months. Was fine for a few years, except she was always telling me to leave my husband. I did, a few times, came to my senses and got back with him. Finally stood up to her and she basically told me I "might as well put a gun to my head" because I'm killing myself by being with him. Haven't talked to her, much, since. She also blew up in front of our older son(he was a little over 2 1/2 yrs old), swore in front of him, so we left and haven't been around since. That was last fall. We talked for about 3 min on the phone in Jan, she hung up on me. We talked to my dad when the baby was born in Sept, he wants us all to talk again, as do I. I called a month later, my mom picked up, realized it was me and hung up...I sent pics of our two boys and was told, by my younger brother who still lives there, that she didn't even look at the pics...wasn't interested. Now this.
I just don't understand why she wouldn't want to have a relationship with her only grandchildren. She did have a good one with our older son, until last year. She thinks I'm making a huge mistake, but I'm not. I am just sick of being treated like a little girl. I'm going to be 24 next month, I have been married for almost 5 yrs to a wonderful man who takes care of us, I have two gorgeous boys. To me, as a mom, I can't even imagine not wanting to see my child or to even talk to them. I have unconditional love for my boys, I will love them and support them no matter what they decide to do with their lives.
What is wrong with me? Or her? Or both??? Am I wrong for not understanding this...? I picked my husband and family over my mom and she resents me for it. What is up with that?
Why couldn't she just open and read the stupid card??
Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest. It was really starting to get to me, and I just can't...
This time of year is just killing me...
Hi aangel22, I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. I don't understand how people can do this... I mean ok, she didn't like your decision, but she needs to get over it. She's acting like a child. It seems to me like you've done everything you can do in reaching out to her. Maybe in time she will come around. I don't know whether you should keep making the effort and hope that eventually she will move on, or if you should just give up and wait for her to hopefully grow up one day so you can have a relationship as adults. I guess you need to decide what is best for your sanity. If it's really upsetting for you to keep reaching out and getting rejected then maybe you should just let her stew for now. Either way, it's a tough situation.
I'm very sorry that you have to deal with a situation like this. I personally do not think there is anything wrong with you unless you in a situation where your husband is physically/emotionally abusive and then I could understand your mothers actions. (I'm sure he is not I was just saying) If this is not the case then I feel that your mother is acting like a child. There will come a point in her life where she will see her actions are hurting herself, her child and her grandchildren, but until that time comes you can't force her to get over her grudge. If I were you I would start talking to your father and hopefully your mother will come around. I understand you never want to turn your back on one of your parents but you also can't have her negative behavior around your child. I hope that things work out and your mother comes to her senses.
One of the most complex relationship is that between mother and child. I've been dealing with a very turbulent relationship with my own mother for almost 50 years. I know she's going to outlive me.
People normally do what is easiest for them, and that is what your mother is doing. It may be easy for her because she can't deal with your not being her baby anymore, or because she's nuts and likes to see others suffer, or because she's bored and this is an easy way to add excitement to her life. You may never know why, but I understand your wanting to know why. I still wonder why my mother has done so many cruel things to me over the years.
What matters here is your ability to not let this be important in your life. Listen. Do not spend the next 20 years of your life caring about what she thinks and does if you already know her behavior is irrratic. I have done that. Do not do it. Don't. Find someone objective---your husband (it would be hard for him to be objective, but some dh are), a pastor, a therapist, anyone who can listen to your story and who will be honestly objective with you. (This rules out any emotional friend who immediately hates your mother because she's not nice :lol) If the person tells you your mom is not rational, then work with that and deal with her in that way. Always remember it. If the person tells you that you are the one who has created the problem, figure out a plan to deal with that situation.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through this especially with your little ones. It's painful, I know all to well, not to have your mother love and fuss over your babies. Be strong and and deal with this emotional situation now so that it doesn't effect your children as they get older.
I picked my husband and family over my mom and she resents me for it.
and dont forget that. your husband and children are your family. your mother doesn't understand that. but at least you do. your a grown woman now, and a mother of your own. you can't abandon your family bc your mother doesn't approve of it. you've made your decision to marry this person and raise children with him, that is all you need to worry about.
Thanks everyone! I don't know why she has been acting like such a child. She was fine when we, my two brothers and I, were younger and living there. My MIL always brings it up to me about what a bad childhood I must've had. She brings up a lot of things about my parents that really offend me. My childhood was great, I really can't complain about it. My dad worked hard, was hardly home, but he took care of us. He kept a roof over our heads. My mom watched over us at home. My brothers and I would fight, play, etc...normal sibling behavior. Anyway, I wish it were different but I can't fix something that is out of my control.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I'm feeling better today. Not the greatest, but better than yesterday. *Back to focusing on losing weight!*
I am glad you put that prayer up, it is a perfect example of what you need to do. Anger is a horrible thing to let get out of control, but the more she revels in it the more justified she will probably feel. I would say pray for her heart to be changed and pray that you will be able to let go of the hurt and any blame you place on yourself. You've done your part in reaching out, no one can fault you for not trying. I'd agree with the other ladies, let her figure it out and if she doesn't, yes you have lost something, but look at what you have in return. A wonderful husband and great kids. Also, you are learning what NOT to do when faced with a situation where your children do something (in their adult lives) you do not fully agree with. You will know better how to approach it and how to handle it if you disagree with it still. I am sorry this has happened to you. I think we when see our parents faults as we grow older it hurts more than we realized it would. Hang in there.
Depressing...and very long...
But i dont think for one second that you have done anything wrong , i think your mom is having a VERY hard time with letting you go .
