It can be hard to erase those old tapes going around and around in our heads...those messages put there by someone else that say we are not worthy, that we don't deserve good things in our lives, but it can be done. First of all, tell those mean, rude, unkind "voices", the messages that you have been given, to be quiet and go away. You really do have to make yourself stop thinking those thoughts if you want to feel better about yourself, and you can do it by having a list of affirmations about yourself that you can repeat when you start spiraling into negative thoughts about yourself. "I am kind", "I am hard-working", "I am smart", "I am lovable", "I am attractive" etc. And by all means, go and have fun at the playdate! The more experiences you have that are positive and that show you that you are a loving, kind, worthy person (with your kids, for example) the more you will feel that way! Do kind things for people, do loving things for people, do smart things, do ambitious things, do the morally right thing and you will feel that way! Write about the good things you do, reflect on the good things, talk about the good things and share the good things about yourself!
I was very much like you during my 20's and 30's and I can tell you that life does get better. I am now one of the happiest people I know! One thing for sure is that people can only have power over your life if you allow them to, especially when they are no longer a part of your life. I had to let go of some of my family,too, even after I forgave, so that I could feel sane. I think sometimes it is necessary to "Let go with love" as is said in Alanon.
What really happened to me was at the age of 38 I had cancer and there was a good likelihood that I would not survive. Faced with that I decided that I could just leave all of the past pain behind (yesterday's ashes) and move on from that day forward stepping into a new life. I can't explain it really except to say that my spirit said live and live fully. And my spirit and mind accepted that decision and that is what happened. It was like opening a new chapter in my life. That terrible hole in my "heart" went away and I started seeing blessings where I had once seen shadows and fear. For me, a terrible illness healed an even worse illness. But, I think we can decide that from one day to the next our lives can be different and if we truly believe that, we can have the courage and drive to make our lives different. For me the hardest part was breaking old habits, but when you really decide to change it is exciting; it becomes the wonderful thing you are doing and it is all about you, making your life the life you want to have.
Sorry I got so preachy, but I so understand your doubt and pain. You can feel better about yourself, but it takes effort and a conviction that you can change.
Sheri
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