Location: Louisville, KY (though really I'm a Michigander)
Posts: 75
S/C/G: 185/180/155
Height: 5'8"
Losing weight when your spouse doesn't want to
Before I got married, I lived on my own for a year and a half. Before that, I lived with him for almost a year. Before I moved in with him (before we were married) I was a healthy weight, but by the time he needed to move elsewhere to find work, I weighed 205. He weighed (and still weighs) about 400. Over the year and a half I lived alone, I was able to get my weight down to 162 and I looked and felt great. Without him around to tempt me to eat out, and bring home crap, I was able to only buy healthy healthy foods, and too lazy to go out and get crap when I wanted sweets.
Then I moved down here to Kentucky and got married to him. Within a year I was back up to 185, and rising. I honestly have no idea how to get back on track. I'll be okay, not hungry, not really thinking about food, and he'll say "what do you want to eat?" and once I start thinking about food I start wanting to go out and eat, even though I wasn't hungry till he said something. It's too easy to ask him to bring me cookies or ice cream. I really have no self control, and with him around, I'm not able to create the obstacles I used before to keep myself in check.
I know this might sound crazy, but I figured this would be a good place to start on this forum, and maybe get some direction about avoiding temptation (even when my husband reminds me about the existence of pizza) and get my weight back down to where it was. I was dropping about a pound a week before I got married...
Location: Louisville, KY (though really I'm a Michigander)
Posts: 75
S/C/G: 185/180/155
Height: 5'8"
I have, I've told him not to ask if I'm hungry, if I want to eat out, what I'm planning to eat, or mention food at all. But he forgets. So really I would just like advice on how to deal with it. Staying in control, because it's so easy to just say "Let's order pizza." I'd rather change my behavior, than his.
First, you need to recognize, that ultimately, you are only responsible for your own eating and food choices. If something is brought into your house, you can't control that. But every bite you put in your mouth is ultimately your decision. So YOU need to decide if, to you, losing weight is more important than the foods that tempt you.
Go stock your house with healthy foods. Plan ahead so that when your husband says "What do you want for dinner", you can say, "Oh, I've got (whatever healthy delicious meal you have planned) ready to go". He can decide to eat that, and I'm sure you'd happily cook for him, or to get something else and bring it home for himself.
Get some healthy snacks. Plan out what snacks you're going to eat each day, and make sure you have them available to you. If your husband brings something unhealthy into the house, draw an invisible line in the sand - that food is his, it is not yours.
Your husband bringing junk into the house isn't ideal, but we all have fairly easy access to junk...convenience stores, vending machines, and a lot of us in our own homes. You have to decide that you simply are NOT going to fall for that temptation, and commit to that decision.
It's not easy, but it is worth it to have a healthy, happy body.
Stick around - can't wait to get to know you better.
Location: Louisville, KY (though really I'm a Michigander)
Posts: 75
S/C/G: 185/180/155
Height: 5'8"
That's a good idea. I usually don't make a meal till I start to feel hungry. It would be a lot easier if I already had food in the fridge, than going out.
The resisting temptation thing I'll have to work on, but I've already joined this forum so I guess that's one small step.
I have arranged my meals so that I can eat a part of it and stay on track and then the guys eat the pasta, pizza, spaghetti, tacos etc.. Usually it means eating the pasta sauce over a vegetable, the meatball sauce over cauliflower, the topping from the pizza and a salad, the taco "stuff" as a salad, that kind of thing. And then, not overeating. I no longer buy ice cream, cookies, chips JUNK. If they want it, they can go get themselves a serving at the store. If I do have it in the house, it is enough for one event, not a gross of it, not in bulk. For example, we had a BBQ last night for our older son, who was home visiting. I got tortilla chips, but two small bags in different flavors. They were almost all gone when I got home today.
I know as an overeater that part of my problem with eating is I connect it with nurturing, being social, pleasure and sharing food as a way of connecting with the people I love. My husband and I would eat together to be with one another and spent a lot of our fun times eating...going to the beach and going to a restaurant, going for a walk and getting ice cream. So we have had to redefine that part of our relationship. We have changed what we eat when we want to connect through food; for example, my husband knew I was very tired tonight. I heard him chopping away and working in the kitchen. He brought me a beautiful chicken salad for dinner. In the mornings, rather than eating bacon, eggs and pancakes, we are sharing a homemade protien shake and enjoy deciding what fruit we will put in it today. It is less labor intensive to make and we actually get to spend more time together in the morning. Tonight my husband said he needed new pants...they are falling off him! But, we both had to be on board. His blood pressure started to go up and I could no longer comfortably tie my shoes or clip my toe nails! We were both in a place where we were ready and we both started talking about it and making plans on how we could change so we could lose weight but still enjoy "food moments" together. I also know that when I was not ready to lose weight and my husband was, I was less cooperative because I did not want to change my habits. But, this time I started out, ate for myself and he came along so that we are now on the same page. It has been good for us to work this out.
Are you on any particular diet? Years ago, I was on Weight Watchers. It really trained me to be aware of every single bite I take and to notice how much I was eating. It also helped me to really understand what was a weight loss portion. Weight loss takes some self-discipline and control that I did not have when I was younger, so it was really good for me...it was like a training course in the skills of weight loss! There are lots of good diets here, with good support. I think you can be successful, even if your husband is not particularly supportive. I dunno, I feel very happy working hard at this because I feel like I have control and that I am helping myself to be healthier; it is very empowering to feel like a success instead of a victim of food.
Yeah, I agree with Mandalinn. Ultimately you have to take sole responsibility for what you eat.
My husband does not follow my eating plan all the time. There are times that I will fix a healthy meal and he'll go get Taco Bell. He'll even ask "do you want me to bring you anything?" and I've learned over time that it's NOT malicious on his part. He really is just trying to be nice and he just doesn't understand. So I've learned to smile and say "no thanks" and fix my dinner as usual.
You said in your post "I have no self control" but the bottom line is that no one else is responsible for your self control but you.
I have this problem too. I live with my boyfriend and he eats like a horse. He'll order pizza, eats about 10 packets of chips a day, bars of chocolate etc. I always say no these days (go me!) but he has now started saying im boring and we dont have so much fun together any more now that i dont eat rubbish anymore. it annoys me coz just because im not eating crap every day, doesnt mean im a different or less fun person! Does anyone else have a partner who says things like this?
x
Anyway, I just wanted to add that my man can eat whatever he wants without gaining a single pound. It doesn't make it any easier for me, but he acknowledges the fact that I just can't eat along with him or I'll gain weight, which is reflected in my mood and eventually our relationship. So he actually asks - do you have any points left to have some ice cream (then he has the sundae, while I have some sorbet), or he'll ask if I'm sure I want another glass of wine (I'm usually cheating on this one! . He's not fond of a lot of veggies but he admits they're good for him, too. And I don't pick on him when he's having a cookie or chocolate.
All in all he's very supportive. I think it's about keeping eachother in mind and being considerate of eachother.
No one has said it, but it is possible your man doesn't want you to lose weight! He might feel threatened. Don't count on him to be your monitor.
Unfortunately weightloss ends up being something you have to do by yourself. If it isn't your man, it will be folks at work, friends etc offering food. (Do you want to turn your world into a police state where no one offers you anything and everyone watches every bite you eat.)
I suspect that if you can continue to say no each time one of two things will happen...if he is a weight saboteur he will increase his offers, and perhaps escalate with "surprises". If he isn't, but just a kind guy who wants to share the pleasure he will decrease his behavior.
You might also want to try saying yes but with a twist. Oh please, do bring me some of those delicious carrots...or let's go out to the place which has a great roast chicken...and fruit for dessert.
You have gotten some great advice. I hope you understand that your husband can not make you gain weight unless he physically ties you down and forces food into your mouth. But, I know the mental games men can play, where it almost feels like you are being tied down. I dated a morbidly obese man before and while at the time I was just "30-40 pounds" overweight, I liked being with him because he made me feel "little". Being with someone who did not care about their weight and ate anything they liked unfortunately was a licence for me to eat. Interestingly when I started gaining weight and was creeping up to 200 he became a different person. He then started nit-picking about my eating and would make catty comments..."You really shouldn't be eating that bag of chips..." My old bf liked me chubby...but not too chubby. My husband is sorta similar, though not obese he could stand to lose a few pounds. But he has stayed the same weight for 20 years. He doesn't want me too thin, and to be honest it is totally 100% jealousy on his part. He admires thin women, but doesn't want me to be one of the girls other men admires. That is why my goal weight is 175. I've weighed less than that and my hubby turns into a green eyed monster. I can't take it. He doesn't shovel food into my mouth, but he makes walking out of the house a Q & A drama.
I had some of the same issues with my ex. I think we were totally codependent on each other - giving us both an excuse to eat like pigs. However, while I need to lose about 50-60 pounds, he now needs to lose 150 pounds and eats a ton more than me even if we are both binging. For me, that actually caused even more problems as it made me not pay as much attention to my eating because he was always eating far more than more so I felt "good" even after a huge meal and dessert. It has been hard for me because when we do hang out now (we are friends and have a son together), I often feel myself slipping back into the same habits. Just recently, I have made some steps towards overcoming this and planning has been a big part of it. For example, last weekend we took our son to a pumpkin patch and normally we would have eaten breakfast and lunch out but this time I made us some healthy omelets for breakfast and packed us a lunch. He went along with it although I knew he would have preferred the restaurant food. While he did overeat the food I brought, I remained strong and just had what I was supposed to have. And, in the end, I felt fabulous because of it!
Last edited by asparagus4sale; 10-24-2008 at 10:56 AM.
I have this problem too. I live with my boyfriend and he eats like a horse. He'll order pizza, eats about 10 packets of chips a day, bars of chocolate etc. I always say no these days (go me!) but he has now started saying im boring and we dont have so much fun together any more now that i dont eat rubbish anymore. it annoys me coz just because im not eating crap every day, doesnt mean im a different or less fun person! Does anyone else have a partner who says things like this?
x
I have a daughter and husband who are grossly overweight and when I started losing weight they just ignored me. Now that I'm starting to look pretty good they have started making snide remarks about my habits (I don't drink calories, exercise is a high priority, I write down everything I eat.) Every time I turn around they are bringing junk food in the house. I think I make them feel guilty. They know what they need to do and they just aren't ready to do it. I gave in to it last weekend and ended up gaining five pounds. I've decided I have to be strong by myself and stand up for myself.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I didn't start to gain weight until I started dating my husband 3 and a half years ago. We are both junk food fanatics and we enable each other.
Luckily, if I cook a healthy meal he will eat it no matter if he's dieting with me or not because he's to lazy to fix or get something else for himself. Plus, it's too expensive...lol
My husband and I are both working at weight loss, but we've both got different goals and agendas, and it can be hard to be the "right" support for each other. To an extent, we've stopped trying. We're mostly on a fend-for-yourself meal plan. That still sometimes means my husband asking if I want anything from Taco Bell (although he always asks "why don't you print that out," when I go to the Taco Bell online menu to make a calorie-conscious choice").
Even when you're on the same journey, it doesn't mean you're on the same path or at the same stage, so it's not necessarily easier to be "doing it together." In a real sense, weight loss is always a solitary path, to a degree. Not that a support system isn't extremely valuable, but it all ultimately boils down to very personal choices regarding very personal behaviors of eating and exercise. It is harder when you're swimming upstream to those around you, but that's why the support here can be very valuable. A support system is valuable, but often, you've got to pick your support system rather than try to make the people around you be supportive.
(It's annoyingly difficult to get people to do what you want them to do).
Losing weight when your spouse doesn't want to
