Obliged to set an example when eating out with friends
Let me first start by saying that I am on vacation visiting my home town and I'm not trying to lose any weight at this time, and have limited access to a gym. And, since I've lost a noticeable amount of weight to friends who haven't seen me in a year they ask me for guidance about their diets, which I find flattering. I also would like to see them make healthier choices, reach their goals, and be happy with their weight. However, I noticed that when I go out to eat with them they always want to order what I order. I feel under pressure to order something healthy because I want to set a good example and I want them to reach their goals. But, I'm on vacation and want to be bad... but, when I'm "bad" they want to be "bad" too... and it makes me feel guilty because I definitely didn't get to the weight I am now by eating from bread baskets, or eating chips, fries, or dessert several times a week. I could only eat those things once a week and that was it. I did mention that and the fact that I'm on vacation and not caring too much what I eat. It makes me feel bad for them. I even told them today that I put on 3 lbs from my current eating... hopefully it'll sink in.
How do other chicks handle these situations? What would be best?
Am I just being weird?
I suppose I should just eat healthy and stick to 1 cheat day a week.
Last edited by Taurie; 08-21-2008 at 01:44 AM.
Reason: one more question
You are not responsible for any one's choices but your own. Also, you didn't lose weight or gain weight based on a week or two or three's of eating - and they're not going to either.
Eating as you didn't want or intend to, does them no service, anyway. In effect, it's quite dishonest and misleading to make it seem as though you never splurge on things that would generally off-plan. If you consider vacation a time where it's "ok" to splurge, you have to remember that being with you is a vacation for them as well, and they have just as much right as you to take the responsibility for what they eat and when. If they think you never make a less than perfect choice, rather than "inspire" them it could discourage them (but that isn't your responsibility either, but still is it the message you want to send).
For your self, you need to decide what YOU want, and what's in YOUR best interest, and act accordingly. If you want to explain yourself, that's your right, but you don't have to. And they don't have to justify their choices either, whether that's to pick something healthy or not when dining out.
Nothing's more annoying than a recent religious or diet convert (no offense, hear me out). You feel you've found something that is so amazing, you want to share it, and even nudge (or push) the people you love into having that amazing thing in their lives too. But in that desire to share, on the other end it sometimes feels like being beaten over the head with the conversion stick.
"But I don't want my loved one's to suffer from ill health or obesity (or rot in ****)."
Being an adult is about making choices and dealing with the consequences of them. You can share information and your enthusiasm (especially when it's requested), but trying to take on even a small part of their responsibility for their own lives is disrespectful. It doesn't just suggest, it proves that you don't trust them to make their own decisions and choices.
Sounds harsh, and I'm not trying to be. I've just been on both sides of this, both as the convert and as a victim of the attempted conversion process, and it never works out very well.
That's right, I shouldn't take on the responsibility... it's not my place. But, they always ask me for advice and I do explain to them that these treats are usually reserved for once a week. A few people including one of them even asked me to write my plan down for her; which I did.
Being that I'm visiting for a month and eating out with them on a daily basis just makes me feel like I'm being a bad influence.
Kaplods, you're absolutely right... only they are responsible for their food choices. Besides, they've both experienced me thin, plump, and thin again and knew at my plump phase I was not only eating out more, but eating more food and having more drink. (Now at least I'm watching my portions of naughty foods.) So they know what works and what doesn't work for me... and they'll find what does work and doesn't work for them.
In the meantime, while I'm in Los Angeles I'm going to enjoy all my old favorite foods and treats that aren't available in London. If I still feel guilty I'll talk to them about it. I know it's my own issue... not theirs.
I really think that we're accustomed to thinking that weight loss HAS to involve guilt. So much so that we try to infuse guilt where it really isn't appropriate.
It's taken me over 36 years of dieting (and I'm only 42) to realize that guilt doesn't belong in the equation (at least for me). If I trip on the stairs, I don't need to feel guilty about it, in order to try not to do it again - just the prospect of not falling is enough. And weight loss can be the same. I don't have to feel guilty when I trip in order to pick myself up and keep going.
If I trip on the stairs, I don't need to feel guilty about it, in order to try not to do it again - just the prospect of not falling is enough. And weight loss can be the same. I don't have to feel guilty when I trip in order to pick myself up and keep going.
You can't be responsible or what they eat. You can only be in control of you and likewise for them. I understand they want to do as you do but what works for you may be totally different than what works for them.
The best example you can give them is to show them their own personal responsibilities. Definitely, as we all walk this weight loss journey differently.
Obliged to set an example when eating out with friends
Definitely, as we all walk this weight loss journey differently. 