DH and I have been married for 1.5 years, together for 4.5. When we met, I weighed around 135 because I was bulimic. I completed therapy for my ED and managed to keep the weight off for about 6-7 more months. Then I had surgery, started commuting 2 hrs to work, went on birth control, became lazy, depressed... oh you know, reason after reason. Fast forward to our wedding day and I weigh 200 lbs. Since then I've gone as low as 190 and as high as 213.
This whole time, my husband has always told me I'm beautiful, he loves me, etc. while being so encouraging and thoughtful whenever I try to lose weight. He's so supportive and I felt like even if I never lost another lb. he would still think I was beautiful.
So I started (again) and have lost almost 10 lbs and joined a gym. I feel really good and have been making good choices and he's been cheering me on (DH is super in shape and athletic).
Tonight when we were going out to dinner, he asked me how much weight I had to lose. I declined to give an exact number and just said "a lot." Then he asked how much I weighed when we started dating... I said around 135 lbs. So he said "how about if you get to your goal, I'll take you on a vacation to anywhere you want to go?" (Travel is one of my favorite things to do!) He made it clear he wanted me to do it in a healthy way (i.e. no purging or diet pills).
At first I was excited, but then I started to get sad. I know he didn't say it, but I felt like for the first time he was implying that he REALLY wanted me to lose weight... not just for me anymore, but for him perhaps? Maybe he finds me repulsive and is embarrassed to be seen with me?
Not that I blame him... I'm repulsed by myself in the mirror. I have 75 lbs to lose and feel like now I'm going to end up failing and disappoint him and myself yet again. I know he meant good by it... I don't think he meant this motivation to be mean-spirited, but I find myself feeling really sad that maybe he doesn't find me as beautiful as I thought he did.
And no, I haven't talked to him about my feelings yet... I will when I can be a little less sad about it....
i really don't think that's what he meant. I think he's seen you go up and down and he probably sees you want to do it this time. ....so he's trying to give you motivation. I don't think he really meant it as a bad thing. I think he'd love you know matter what...considering what he married you at. However, I think he wants to help you out and give you motivation. We could all use motivation. I think its a wonderful and sweet suggestion...and I personally don't think he meant it because he wanted you to lose weight. I think he just wants you to be happy and healthy. Don't look at it as a critcism of your weight. I think he's trying to be supportive like you want a husband to be. I really think you are reading too much into it. If you are concerned, I would just sit down and ask him if he would be happy and love you no matter what weight.
I agree.
My DF and I have been together for a while and he's always tried to help me lose weight by motivation. I know he hardly cares about my weight, I know he tells me all the time how much he could care less about my weight.
I know it's because he hates to see me so upset. Every time I get dressed in my favorite clothes only to find I suddenly don't fit them, ect... So he says... if you lose X amount I'll get ya this or this or this or we can do this and this. He also keeps the bad food away from me by telling me I can't have it when we go shopping.
For some people this might piss them off but for me it's good because I need rules to stick by.
I really don't think he meant anything by what he said other than just that. Men arn't that good to have a double meaning with their words. (obviously there are exceptons.) I bet he just wants to see you happy and is trying to help out by giving motivation. I think these are just your own fears talking to you.
I would ask him about it because if you don't, it's going to cause you to feel sadder. Assume that he wants you to do it for your health and because he knows it is something you want to do (for yourself)...unless you find out otherwise, why not assume his intentions were positive and to help you with your goals. Remember what they say about making assumptions.
Like the other posters, I think that your DH is really just trying to help you with motivation. It's his way of cheering you on. Many of us reward ourselves as we lose weight and reach our goals, and I think he is just doing the same for you.
I think he asked about how much you weighed when you started dating because he wanted to guess-timate for himself how much you may be aiming to lose. That way he has some idea of what you are trying to accomplish.
It sounds like your hubby has been nothing but loving and supportive. I really don't think he meant any harm in this. Men are usually straight-forward creatures: they say and do things without a whole lot of subterfuge underneath it all. We women, however, tend to read too much into everything and I think that's a big part of what is happening here.
My husband is always getting mad at me for misinterpreting what he says (basically I translate what he says into "womanese" or worse my own paranoid assumptions).
He is always saing "if I had meant that, I would have said that."
I know you all are right, he's sooo loving and supportive, I'm lucky to have a guy that loves me, fat or thin. I think there is a part of me that tells myself without even realizing it that I'm not good enough for him, like "why is he with me, he must find me disgusting, *I* find myself disgusting so why wouldn't he?" and on and on. Then he says something that he means one way, and I take it the other way because I already have that radar on the lookout for him confirming my worst thoughts.
I've been feeling downright ashamed of myself lately - and I shouldn't be. It's hard for me to accept sometimes that someone loves me, fat flabs and all!
PS - I agree, I want to talk to him about it later tonight because I don't want to keep feeling sadder. It's one of those times where I think I need some reassurance from DH.
Yeah, I'm with the others here. I second guess people's meaning all the time, and sometimes I think it's totally warranted, but given that up until this point your husband has been totally awesome and supportive, I'm sure he's just trying to be helpful.
My girlfriend always says that she thinks I'm beautiful now, she thought I was beautiful 20 lbs heavier, she'll still think I'm beautiful 15 lbs lighter. But that she IS more attracted to me now that I'm losing, just because my determination and drive to do this thing are "really hot". Wanting you to succeed doesn't mean your fella doesn't find you gorgeous exactly the way you are.
Last edited by coldbrightday; 05-02-2008 at 10:42 PM.
I tend to project my feelings about myself onto everyone else -- a positive statement becomes twisted to align with how I feel, regardless of the intensions.
I think my husband should be frustrated with all my weight loss efforts/failures -- however lately he has become very supportive. This is good/bad -- I feel great that he is helping out but nervous that I will disappoint him again.
Have a chat with him, let him tell you that he is totally supportive and reassure you and then start planning that trip!!
I have to agree, men just seem to blurt out whatever is on their minds. I work with all men at work, so I kinda have an "inside view" lol. But yes I also agree to talk with him about it because you are right, we can interpret anything into "womanese" lol.
I honestly thinks that he sees that you're unhappy with your weight and wants you to lose it so you'll be happy. I'm in a relationship and I know that when one of us is really unhappy with something, it can have a bad effect on the relationship and maybe he's sensing it so he wants to help.
Honestly, this man loves you. He wants you to be happy, he wants you to be healthy. If he was gonna leave you because he no longer finds you attractive, he wouldn't be encouraging you to get back in shape. He'd be gone, but he isn't, so that shows that he loves YOU for who YOU are.
My boyfriend and I have basically gotten fat together. We weigh pretty much the same but he's a little better off than me being taller and, well, a guy, so he can lose a lot faster than I can. And I've told him that I've been concerned too.
Good luck, I know you can do it, we have to lose pretty much the same amount, so let me know how you're doing!
its motivation....
id love for my fella to say when youve lost these 50lbs ill take you anywhere u wana go....
he wudnt tho....
its important for me to be thin, but he wont encourage it cos he thinks im fine the way i am....
all my motivation has come from me wanting to be thin....
and me receiving comments about my progress....
I feel sad...
