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Old 04-25-2008, 06:11 PM   #1  
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Angry OT rant: how to we fix men?

I'm writing this from my laptop inside my ex-boyfriends car. Why?

I woke up inexplicably cranky. Boyfriend, er, make that ex who I still live with, was asleep on the couch. I accidentally woke him up, and apparently he was having some crazy dreams that he proceeded to tell me about, but I just didn't really care, and I was in a rush. He then starts asking me where I'm going, with a very urgent tone in his voice, and I tell him, I'm going to a conference, I told you that last night. Then he starts getting upset and tells me he was hoping to use my car so he could pick up his car from the shop. I had already been thinking about what a pain it would be to park my car, so I said he could just drop me off and then pick me up later. So, he dropped me off.

Then, I got really bored at the conference, and just generally wasn't feeling in the right "head space" for it, so I left at the lunch break. It was a beautiful day so I figured I could walk around for a while if BF was not able to pick me up right away, which he was not. So I dropped off all my bags with him and went to get a new pair of sneakers, bc I've been having knee problems jogging in the ones that I have.

Now, I have incredible debt. I am a grad student, but as a proud member of the ME generation, I have been unable to accept that I don't have any money, and so I've racked up quite the credit card bill. This is with much help from the ex boyfriend, who showed me that it is OK to have incredible debt. I mean, before I met him, I had no debt. Now, all things considered, I'm probably in 6 figure debt. I know this is not all his fault, I could have said no, I could have left him, but I didn't. I took out loans so he could pay his rent, so he could get his car out of impound, pay tickets, fill his tank, and enjoy the occassional dinner out, because I wanted us to be like a normal couple. AND, I naively believed that he would get some earnings, and pay me back. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

So, back to my sneakers. They declined my Amex. Oh, sh*t. That's OK, a loan check just came in, "here, try this card," and it worked fine. But as the day wore on, I got more stressed...this becomes deeply psychologically painful and I start beating up on myself...worrying...credit crunch...recession...I am screwed, gonna be homeless, gotta get on a budget, I am such a failure, yadda yadda yadda.

Ex is still unable to pick me up. He thinks it'll be an hour. I say fine, I'll wait around, it is still a gorgeous day, I'll read a FREE paper, hang out in the square. An hour goes by, and suddenly, it's freezing cold, windy, ugh. He's not picking up his phone. Finally, I get in touch, go by his office, and just take his car. I head home, knowing full well I'll have to go pick him up, but figure he can wait till I'm good and ready to make the trip back to his office. So I get home, and he still has my keys! I'm locked out. So...as I write this, he calls to say he's all done. Now I'm going to turn on the car and head back.

I'm half laughing and half crying. I am so scared of this debt, but then I think, "people handle it. I will get through this. So what, I made some mistakes. It's not the end of the world." I remind myself that it was my decision to lend him this money. But mixed in with that, I wonder why I put up with him. I wonder what is wrong with me. And, I wonder what is wrong with society, when I encounter women every day who are supporting lazy men, or women with 4 children who have been left alone to raise them, or women with intact families who work 60 hours a week while also taking care of all the housework and familial chores. I feel like we women have been pushed into an impossible position, made to feel like we should be meek and dependent, while in actuality, we have to carry the burdens of dumb a$$ men who can't keep it together. We have to be mothers to our boyfriends as well as our sons. And then feel guilty when we can't keep up.

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't say "we." Maybe I'm projecting my own personal situation onto all women. But after I just read the post from the woman who wrote to us from a DV shelter, and because day after day I work with children from mothers who have been left alone to raise them, I believe I am not alone in my frustration. At least, I shouldn't be. Grrrrr. Pretty soon I'll get lots of piercings and shave my head or dye my hair hot pink or some such feminist punk statement. I am so damn sick of this.
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Old 04-25-2008, 06:50 PM   #2  
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My advice:
1. Cut up the credit cards. I'm serious.
2. If you think all men are dumb a$$es, then don't date. Don't date unless you find someone that is worth your time and that you trust.
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:16 PM   #3  
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I got into some debt during a spell of unemployment in the mid 90s - I completely stopped using credit cards (I have one for an emergency that I have never used) and switched completely to debit cards. If I can't pay for it right away, I can't afford it. I wasn't up to six figures (seriously - 100k?) but I was about 10K in debt and it made me ill every night. Luckily, my overall credit rating was still good, I just owed a lot so I was able to transfer everything to a 0% card. I eventually got a new job and I just worked on paying down the debt - any extra money (bonuses, tax return) went on the card.

You can pay it down, but you have to make it a priority.

First thing - quit blaming a man for your debt. You chose to spend outside your means, he did not grab your card and use it, he didn't take your checkbook and write checks - YOU did that.

You said he's your exboyfriend - might be time to find a new roommate and a new place to live!

Last edited by Glory87; 04-25-2008 at 07:17 PM.
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:34 PM   #4  
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Oh Lizzy!

I know things have been crazy living with the ex, and the bad influence all in one.

First thing you need to do... figure out how much debt you're in.. EXACTLY.

No guessing, no "I thinks". Know.

Debt is similar to weight in this situation... we vaguely realize things are getting out of hand and then one day we step on a scale and then we really... realize... how out of hand things have gotten.

So. Know where your starting point is. Then, form a plan for lowering it.

It'll mean doing things like having only one credit card for emergencies... using cash... not buying many luxury items (and it'll suck sometimes, but it has to be done).

You can do this. Just as you've been eating healthier. You can pull your finances under control, hun.

If you ever want to beach about it, just let me know!
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:00 PM   #5  
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Yeah, I agree with Glory -- YOU got yourself into debt. I'm also in the ME generation, but I chose to enjoy MY money on MYSELF. I would never, ever pay some guy's rent. Like my mom always told me, never spend YOUR money on a MAN, period. You'll be better off by yourself. And my mom was right. My sisters went off with losers who got them into debt (and didn't work at times) and now even though they & their SOs have bigger incomes, I still live a better lifestyle than they do. I live in a nicer place and drive a car 12 years newer than both of them. I just DON'T date guys that don't have their finances together. I refuse. You have been used. And if you didn't get it in writing that he's obligated to pay you back for the $$ you lent him, then you are screwed.

It isn't just the men who need "fixing," it's the women who allow themselves to be used by such men who need some "fixing" too. There are a lot of losers out there, and a lot of women who are willing to be with them and wiling to support them. I actually understand the man in this type of situation than the women. The man is getting a free ride. He gets to be lazy while the woman slaves or gets herself into debt. Sounds pretty cushy to me. But what does the woman get out of it? I get lonely sometimes, but spending my hard earned money just to have companionship isn't worth it.

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Old 04-25-2008, 08:05 PM   #6  
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Sounds like you need to go to a credit counselor. Do you have access to one at your school?
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Old 04-25-2008, 10:01 PM   #7  
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Once again, Faerie's right, you need to find out what your debt is and make a plan, I was just talking to DH while we were walking about the similarity between being overweight and losing and being scared of gaining the weight and being in debt and paying things off and being scared of running up the bills again when you get to goal. It's eerie how similar, perhaps it has to do with the way our minds work, who knows.

There is a debtors anonymous, similar to overeaters anonymous, alcoholics anonymous, you could try to find a meeting.

There are a gazillion articles about reducing your debt, in every woman's magazine there's an article about losing weight and an article about reducing debt.

A common theme pick one bill/card and pay extra on that one until you get it paid and then pick another and do the same with that just like weight loss, you have to divide it up into smaller more manageable chunks, just like people who say they can't lose 100 lbs, but they can lose 10 lbs. 10 times.

You can do it

And sidenote...people, nobody knows the intimate circumstances of other peoples lives and shouldn't be so quick to be judgemental, the world would be a better place if every single person was a little nicer to each other (that includes us) thanks for listening

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Old 04-25-2008, 10:19 PM   #8  
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I did not mean to be so controversial. I was in mid-freak-out, and perhaps generalized beyond rationality.

Thanks to those who gave support, I am choked up with gratitude. And just so y'all know, I blame myself, I blame myself plenty, lesson learned, I let love guide me to near financial destruction. John and I are both now working towards getting me out of the debt I've incurred for him.

Again, I didn't mean to stir the waters. I was thoughlessly ranting. I know that I did this to myself. And I'll be working to fix it once I get a paying job as opposed to the internship I now have.

S
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Old 04-25-2008, 10:50 PM   #9  
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Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-26-2008, 10:31 AM   #10  
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A little late chiming in here Sonja but wanted to agree with others who say that this is definitely doable. Many people are in worse shape. It doesn't matter so much how you got there but now that you recognize what's happened, it's important to make a plan to get out! Do you have any formal agreement with John that he'll help you pay down the debt that he helped build? Because once you move out and aren't living with him it might be harder to make him give you the money, so you might want something in writing (notarized, maybe?).

I agree with keli about picking one thing and focusing on that - pick the debt with the highest APR and just massacre it, then move on. We have a CC and a line of credit open at the bank which we used to pay tuition this term (we missed the federal financial aid deadline), the CC has a 0% interest until Jan 09 and the LOC has 17% interest, so I'm making minimum payments on the CC and throwing everything we can afford onto the LOC.

There's tons of info out there on how to best manage debt - and I agree with murph too, maybe there's a credit counselor at your school you can talk to? Good to utilize those services while they're free, before you get out into the real world and have to pay for it. At least they can help you devise a strategy so you don't feel so hopeless.

Chin up, Sonja, you'll make it through. It'll be tough but you're tougher
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