so, my current bf and i are rocky at times, really good at other times.
my big issue right now (TMI) is his complete (literally complete) lack of foreplay, or duringplay, or afterplay for that matter. i have talked to him about it previously, how it really is "all about him" and is *literally* nothing about me - i mean, seriously - not even a kiss! not ONE!
he fixes it for a day or two then its back to the same old habit!
well today, i finally broke down into tears afterward and went into the bedroom. he didnt even notice until i sent him a text message from the bedroom explaining how this isnt ok because i didnt think i could talk it out - i was crying to hard!
he came into the bedroom and didnt apologize or anything, but pretty much said that if i wanted kissed, i needed to initiate or remind him verbally.
seriously!?
isnt your boyfriend - the man who says he loves you - supposed to WANT to make you feel good or involved???
am i right to be so upset about this or is this how all guys are once they get comfortable with you?
if he doesnt change, should i kick him out and move on or...???
do men really need to be TOLD to kiss their girlfriends before getting it on (or during or after) instead of just saying "hey baby, come here and..."
Hmm...that's tough. How long have you been together? Is this a new development or something that has always been an issue?
I have been with my current boyfriend on and off for about 7 years. He can be a little emotionally void at times...but generally it is all about me actually. Some of the other guys I have dated have been extremely selfish. It was reflected in their everyday life as well as in the bedroom. Perhaps you have a selfish boyfriend?
I also think people connect differently. For instance, I am not big on kissing... at any time. It's not something I really enjoy...but I know for some people it's the greatest thing. It could be he doesn't really enjoy kissing?? I do think he should try to show you affection on some level though. There are a lot of things he could do.
I don't really like to comment on other people's boyfriends, however, your boyfriend seems very insensitive. The fact he didn't care that you were so upset is a little disconcerting to me. Only you would know if that is something to look into though. Sorry I wasn't much help...just wanted to let you know you are not alone on here tonight!
Lovemaking shouldn't be one-sided, but if you're waiting until afterward to communicate, then you are contributing to the one-sidedness as well.
Foreplay, during play, etc is something that a person (male or female) has to learn. And the only way to learn is with feedback from the person he or she is learning with (and with a new partner, it's a whole new education). My husband, while he had more experience than I did when we met, still needed quite a bit of feedback from me, because without my input, he was using "routines" (for lack of a better word) that had worked well for him in the past, with someone else - but not me. And while there's less need for as much communication during sex, after five years, the need doesn't go away. Giving instructions during sex doesn't sound romantic, but think of it as suggestions, guidance, etc..... To comment on what is feeling good, and what you want more of, should be something you both feel free to communicate during sex, not just afterward, or even before hand.
There's a really good book called The Guide to Getting It On! (there are several editions to this), that I think does a good job of providing helpful advice and information in an informal, even fun interesting way (if you're very conservative, some chapters might be something you wouldn't want to read, but the title of the chapter pretty much clues you in).
Sounds like he's pretty selfish (sorry to be harsh). I really don't think there's any reason not to give him a taste of his own medicine. If he's not making you happy you don't have to have sex with him whenever he wants it. Just say "no" next time, if all it is is a chore for you since you're not getting anything out of it tell him that.
It's not a bad thing to remind him of what you need. Kaplods gave you some great advice.
I think that sometimes we tend to get all "hollywood-upped" about it like everyone knows what everyone likes, and what everyone's thinking. And that's just not true. A person can love you to pieces, doesn't mean they know what you're thinking or feeling.
Even if you have mentioned it before, you probably will need to mention it a ton more in order for it to stick with him. In fact, many guys find it wonderful when their gf's give them a little bit of feedback. If they don't get feedback/encouragement, how will they know what they're doing is right?
Hm, I don't know if I agree with the "give him a taste of his own medicine" route. That seems counter-productive. When you are trying to teach, say, a cat not to claw at the furniture, what do you do? Do you yell at the cat, deprive him of his toys or scratching post, ignore him, what? That doesn't sound right, does it? You reward him when he gets it right -- you use positive reinforcement to bring about change. It takes work and time but it's always going to be more productive than negative reinforcement (punishment when he gets it wrong).
If you're willing to keep working with your boyfriend on this -- if you two are truly committed to each other and the relationship deserves effort being put into it (i.e., if you're not otherwise looking to get out of it eventually), then this is certainly something you guys can work on. Help him make baby steps, don't expect the world of him at once. WHILE he's doing what you want/need, use positive reinforcement. While he's kissing your neck or rubbing your back or whatever, say things that let him know his actions are noticed and appreciated. "I love it when you..." "I like that...." "That's having xxx effect on me..." (). AFTER, do it again. "Wow, I loved the way you..." "I'm so happy you...." "When you were doing xxx, it made me so much more...."
Over time this will have an impact on how he deals with you, if he is in the least bit concerned with making you happy. This is something I had to go through with my now husband when we first started being intimate -- he had a totally different set of "rules" he had branded on him from his previous girlfriend, and just didn't get what I wanted different. ("It worked for her, though!".... :/) He's also not just "naturally" romantic and, while incredibly loving and supportive and caring, the little things that girls tend to thrive on just don't always click with him.
He didn't learn overnight in either case. Little by little I asked him for certain things, or gave him certain pointers, and made sure I told him how wonderful those changes were, how effective they were, etc. I think if you tell him all at once that you need these 15 things introduced into your lovemaking he's going to feel overwhelmed, he may see it as impossible, etc. Sex is just more basic for a lot of guys I guess, and if you make them feel that there are these million other things to keep track of they get discouraged and withdraw (no pun intended... er...).
So make your needs known... but also consider the fact that he may be reluctant at first to put more work in until he feels confident that his babysteps are paying off. I definitely had to build the lover I have in my husband almost from the ground up, and the work was worth it for both of us. Good luck Kate!
look at the rest of your relationship as well - you indicated that you're rocky at times and great at others. has it always been like this? and has he always been lacking at giving you the attention you need? If he used to be more in tune with your needs and is not anymore, BIG warning sign... that's how i realized my last relationship was going down the tubes. but if he's just not naturally romantic AND you both think the relationship is worth moving forward with, i'm with suitejudy. you have to work with him in baby steps, it's hard to change everything all at once. men are definitely train-able if they really care about you and if you care about them and want to work with them. good luck!
OT - need boyfriend advice... TMI
). AFTER, do it again. "Wow, I loved the way you..." "I'm so happy you...." "When you were doing xxx, it made me so much more...."
Good luck Kate!
