[improbable]

I don't really know what to do. I just need to talk about it. It had been a few months since I'd thrown up, six months since it'd been on a daily basis... And then twice today. Once a few days ago. I gained 15 pounds from when I was at goal, I'm pushing overweight again, I hate my body. And bulimia is easy for me, I throw up easily but don't feel nauseous. I feel useless. I know intellectually this is a bad idea but I don't have time or energy in my life to get help, and it works. I lose weight that way. Grrrrrr.

[Sgirl]

I just want to give you a great big hug. Eating disorders can be such mind numbing things to survive through. Be it bulimia or binge eating, we know it is bad for us, we know it is self destructive and harmful and yet we do it anyway, and don't fully understand why we do. I am a surviving binge eater. I remember times when I would be so frustrated with myself and at my wits end and I would go on a crazy binge...(not that it helped with weight loss at ALL), but it would be an action with painful, yet instant gratification (similar to punching a pillow, except I was actually assaulting myself). Then I would break down and cry...sometimes I would be crying my eyes out while I was stuffing things into my face and all the while wondering what is wrong with me? I know there is no way, that I can fully understand what you are dealing with, but I share this with you in the hopes that there is something in there that makes you feel that you are not alone and that you are certainly worth taking care of regardless of what you weigh on the scale. Something that helps me is to think of the person you care about most in this world, and think, "How would I feel if that person was doing this?" Because, whether you know it or not, somebody out there cares for you in that way too. In this way, taking care of yourself in a healthy way, is one of the most selfless things you can do, because you are protecting the people who love you most. I think it is amazing that you were able to go a few months without throwing up. Reflecting on what it was that worked for you during those months would be a great place to start in getting help for yourself. I hope with you that the time and energy to get help comes to you...you certainly deserve it! Thank you for sharing.

[improbable]

Thanks... it sounds like you do know how it feels. I don't know, everyone thinks of me as being super capable and responsible and able to take care of myself, and I AM most of the time, but sometimes I need help and I'm afraid to ask for it. I told my mother about a month ago that I had been throwing up, but that I'd stopped, and she acted like it was no big deal, 'oh I'm glad you took care of it.' Ouch. And unfortunately the main thing that worked was that I was in a living situation where I COULDN'T throw up without people knowing, and now I'm back in one where I can. Thank you for responding, though, I'm trying to figure out what's going on and its hard.

[Lovely]

I just wanted to give you a hug.