Here is the deal. I have a friend (a guy I work with) who's wife has Ovarian Cancer. She has had a complete hysterectomy. She was only able to have 2 rounds of chemo before her body quite making white blood cells. She has not had any chemo for almost 3 months. She goes back to the U tomorrow, to check her WBC's again and then they will see if she can have chemo. She has pretty much given up. They have 2 kids, 13 and 15. He is so sad, he is already thinking about what he is going to do when she dies. She is 43. He comes to work every day, because he does not want to be home with her, it is too hard. She is okay right now to stay home alone. She is not working because of the cancer. He comes to work to attempt to take his mind off of it, which is not working. It just consumes him. Before this happened, he was the happiest, funniest, funnest guy to be around. He cries at work (and he is no sissy)...he is just so sad, it just kills me. Most everyone avoids talking to him, because they do not know what to say. I try and talk to him everyday. I just want to hug him and squeeze him so hard, that the sadness and the torture just leaves him (but I know that will not happen). What can I do for him or them? I know they have not received any counseling, she does not want to go, remember, she has pretty much given up. There is not a lot of hope. I just want to try and help him, but I do not know what to do. I did find a cancer forum tonight, that I will give to him. Are there any good books out there that I could get him? This just kills me, and I do not have any idea how to help. Any advice, oh, wise ones???????
Cheryl, I think that you are already doing something for him. Just keep loving him - giving him hugs and prayers and offer maybe to help tote the kids around..maybe bring them dinner? Or gift cards for meals to help ease that burden.
Probably the biggest source of help will be from your local Hospice organization. They deal with this every single day.
Are you aware of the stages that people go through when faced with a devistating situation? The wife is going through it - it seems like - at a faster rate then your friend is. Yes, your friend will also go through each stage. He is probably full of mixed emotions because his partner is very ill and seems to have given up..he has adolecent children...financial difficulties may arise..there is a ton of things he is dealing with. Give him the time and the space to deal with it. You are right that right now he is probably coming to work to escape...who knows what will happen in the future. It seems as though he really loves her so I am sure if this disease progresses he will be able to step up to the plate.
My older sister died of cervical cancer and while his wife may or may not succumb to this disease really the only thing you can do is support him emotionally.
Best of luck to you and know that this family is in my prayers.
I don't really have any advice, but I can relate. My cousin, 40, likely isn't going to be around much longer due to the same thing. Right now she's under hospice care and hooked up to an IV at home. Her mom has been in denial, using every excuse under the sun to avoid going to see her, 4 hours away. Grandpa, my aunt takes care of him, was in the hospital. We have a line of relatives ready to step in so she could go, but she kept insisting she couldn't because of grandpa. Two of her sisters sat her down and simply told her flat out that if Cyndi passed away before she saw her, she'd never be able to forgive herself. They also told her that they weren't going to let her lay a guilt trip on them if she didn't get to see her, so they rearranged their schedules and flew in to take over grandpa's care, forcing her to go to NC. She just wasn't wanting to face up to the fact that her daughter is dying and was trying to avoid it, much like your co-worker is going through right now. She has older children, 18 and I believe 20. Her husband though has been dealing with it quite well and has been able to be there for her.
There may be some good counselling sessions that he may be able to go to. I know it would be hard for him to really work up the courage to go, especially when his wife feels so helpless. But if he receives counselling, he might be able to learn some things that he do to help bring her around and maybe build some hope for everyone in the family.
I can just imagine how the children feel. At their age, they may bottle up and may take more drastic measures to help handle their emotions.
Has anyone offered to help out with things at home? One of my best friends has breast cancer and I have been her "chemo buddy" (taking her to her appts and things like that). Her husband and children have had a really difficult time and the only way I knew to help was to try to make the every day things easier for them. You could try to get others to help out also by bringing them dinners on the days of dr. appts or if it a chemo appt. they will probably need dinners for a couple of days as she will probably be very sick from the chemo for 2-3 days after each treatment. If the kids are involved in sports maybe you could offer to take them to practice or go to their games. Even something as simple as helping them with their homework is good because it gives the husband one less thing to worry about. You would be surprised how much the little things we do without even thinking about it when we are healthy will wear you down when you are sick or worried about a loved one who is sick. If nothing else, just keep being a good friend and let him know you are there if he needs anything.
I was that 15 year old kid. My mom died of cancer when I was 15 and my brother was 12 and my father basically disappeared from our lives. First it was just emotionally and then once I had my driver's license it was physically too. We might see him once a week for dinner out, but otherwise he just left me money on the fridge to pay for groceries. He bought us off with really high allowances and basically left us to our own devices. He also wasn’t around much when my mom was going through her chemo and radiation. He was always busy at work. Now that I think of it I have no idea who took her to and from appointments. I almost think she must have done it herself. I was very angry at my father for a very long time. It was not until my later 20’s that we were able to repair our relationship.
She might not want to go to counseling, but he really should. He needs to figure out how to not desert his family emotionally even though he is hurting and grieving. I understand this is not an easy thing at all, and also not really your place to say to him. His kids are really going to need him and he needs to figure out how to both grieve the loss of his wife and still be a parent. I am amazed when I think back to that time and the fact that there were no adults in our lives that intervened and said something about his absence from home. But then I don’t think that anyone really realized what was happening. I really wish I had had another close adult relative/friend who I could have turned to, but I didn’t.
Hmmm…all of this is really more me venting about my own situation rather than giving you any advice you could really use. Perhaps just make sure to try and stay in his life as much as possible?
It doesn’t help him, but the book Motherless Daughters really helped me out a lot.
My mom went through something very similar. She was diagnosed with an excpetionally rare type of ovian cancer (it was a mis-diagnosis she actually had a different type of cancer, but that's another story) and was told she only a a few months left to live. My dad worked tons while she was sick to keep himself busy and I did the same. It was tough, but the things that helped us get through it were the people who helped out. The friends who drove my mom to her weekly chemo. People who cooked dinner for us. (We actually had family friends show up at our house a few weeks at thx giving, we didn't get to have one, b/c my bro was away at school and I was out of town, with a fully turkey dinner and all the trimmings. They showed up set the table left the food and came back when we were finished to pack everything up and do the dishes). My mom was sick over xmas and people showed up to decorate our house. But the thing that really helped the friends who would talk to us about stuff other than my mom's cancer. When my mom was treated like she wasn't sick it was easier for her to act like she wasn't sick. Just stay in his life, so many people run away when a person gets sicks. Having some one there really makes a difference...even in a small way. You have no idea what a difference a dinner makes or even a phone call. Just be there for him and her anyway you can, that the only advice I can give.
My mother passed from ovarian cancer in December 2004. Facing the illness and death of a loved one is one of the most difficult times in a person's life. A lot of people don't know what to say or do for you, so they disappear out of your life or avoid you. Sometimes, I didn't know how to describe how I was feeling, but having someone who cared and did listen when I needed to talk was invaluable to me. The best thing you can do for him right now is to let him know that you're available to listen when needed. You really don't even have to say anything....just listen.
A lot of people don't know what to say or do for you, so they disappear out of your life or avoid you.
This happened to me when I was first diagnosed. People didn't know how to react, so they didn't. They didn't talk to me and avoided me. But I wanted to talk about it, I didn't want to be avoided. So I made a point to talk to everyone and make sure they understood what was going on. I also told them that I would like support. Some people are unsure of whether they should say "Oh I'm so sorry" so they just don't say it (hence avoiding, etc). But I told them it was OK to ask how I was doing, etc. I didn't mind it. That allowed people to talk more freely with me about it.
The hardest thing now about being in remission is that I don't *look* sick, but the medication that I take that keeps me in remission has many side effects that make me feel sick (exhaustion, bone pain, joint pain, etc) and I still have effects from the illness as well, as it is chronic. Sometimes I think people tend to forget that when I say I can't make it to a party over an hour away that doesn't start until 10pm and goes until 2am because by 10pm I'm already exhausted and need sleep. Sometimes I think they are upset or disappointed that I don't come. I don't feel the need to explain myself anymore though. It is what it is, and I am who I am. I've accepted it and everyone else needs to
BTW, this article really describes what it is like to live with a chronic illness.
hello this just broke my heart when i read it. i have been that 13 year old child too with a mom who had cervical cancer. she was told jan of 1990 and died aug 9 of 1990 things went very fast. but i can remember my mom being so sad she was told very early she had no chance really when they found it. like some of the other ladies have said be his friend that will mean the most for him later on no matter the out come. i can remember my mom spending many night crying because all her friends had left her or she felt they did all because they did not know what to say sometimes just being there is the best thing even if you cant find anything too say. do they have a close family my mom did not now she has lost of brothers and sisters but they all lived out of state. as a child it was hard trying to go too school and do everyday things knowing what was going on at home even know that's what my mom wanted me too do. so maybe help with the kids would be good. they too will need support in all this. it might also be hard for the dad to help with all he has on his plate. will keep them in my prayers
adah
My friends wife has cancer..need some advice.
