I just met up with one of my web design clients who did something that disappointed me. I acquired this client literally a couple days after I hit my GW and things have gone well since. We often meet up at Dunkin Donuts because it is convenient for both of us and has WiFi. Today, at Dunkin, we saw a clearly obese woman who had a very pretty face. I didn't pay much attention to her or what she was eating, but my client noticed that she ate a box of six donuts as she worked on a college assignment. When she was on her way out, my client said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but do you know what you are doing to yourself? Eating six donuts isn't good for a very huge girl like you, and you'd be such a pretty girl if you just lost some weight." She looked like she was about to cry, and he said, "It's just the truth, dear. Look at her *points at me* do you think she would be as thin as she is if she was eating all those donuts? I'm just saying this for your own good."
I did not initially want to apologize for his behavior because he is a client and clients equal money, but I still told the girl, "He said it, not me - I would NEVER come up to someone and make a comment like that. I used to be overweight myself... I know it's a struggle every day being plus sized in our society. If you want to lose weight, you know what you need to do. I'm not going to lecture you on your health. And you DO have a very pretty face, by the way."
One part of me thinks the comments my client gave this girl were rude and uncalled for, and the other part of me thinks, "Maybe he is giving her a wake up call about her obesity. She is still in her early 20's and will have a much easier time improving her health now than she would in 20 or 30 years." And if she was not eating six donuts at once, I would not even assume she was unhealthy unless she had any obvious physical indicators.
What do you think of comments like this? Would you have been infuriated or inspired if you were in her situation? I would be both. No one ever gave me any kind of wake-up call when I was at my HW, but I was also an "acceptable" kind of fat - the sort of overweight that most people don't notice because the average American woman wears a 12-14. If someone HAD, I probably would have cried, just like I cried when a-hole frat boys yelled "HEY FATTY!" from their cars as I jogged with my jelly shakin'.
Wake up calls come from inside- they are NOT outside jobs! I grew up in a tourist town and worked at a local resort and there were a few occaisions where people (always men) would launch into a speech about how "what I was doing to myself", or how if I worked at it I could really be pretty. All it did was make things worse.
Ahem.
NEVER is this welcome OR a wake up call. It's offensive, inappropriate, intrusive, rude, arrogant... Who gives anyone the right to tell someone "what they are doing to themselves"??? Thin or fat, commenting on something personal such as weight or what someone just ate (from a total stranger no less!!!), well, your client would have hobbled out of that donut shop if he said that to me.
Rant///over.
Edit- Shane, I have recieved tons of "wake up" calls and let me tell you, all they ever made me want to do was crawl under a rock and die.
I agree with Jen. I'm sure the girl wasn't unaware of her weight or what she was eating, and any comment like that one your client made is simply rude and arrogant.
I've also had some of those "wake up calls" that just make you feel worse. They don't do anything to motivate a person at all. Sometimes, they can do the opposite.
I like how you dealt with it though. Good for you for not just walking away with your client!
I am stunned by your clients comment, but I am impressed with your response. Your showed her compassion and understanding by acknowledging her struggle. Good for you. Also, maybe your client will think about your words and reevaluate his "helpfullness".
Height: 5 ft 8.5" athlete who can give a punch & certainly take one too! :)
Hey Nite,
I am sorry to say your client is an @sshole, that was totally rude and uncalled for, not to mention unappropriate! He outta be ashamed of himself for saying something like that to a complete stranger. That was beyond RUDE!!!! That girl probably cried all the way home, come on like she doesn't already know she has a weight problem, nobody knows what she struggles with inside, what if she was raped or something and is dealing with that with food, maybe she has a thyroid problem and can not help it, maybe medication she is on is making her weigh more. NOBODY knows but her, and it is up to the individual to know when and if they want to do something about their weight, nobody has the right to tell somebody otherwise, onless you are a concerned friend and know the person.
In closing, shame on your client, he's an @sshole for doing saying something so rude!
Edit- Shane, I have recieved tons of "wake up" calls and let me tell you, all they ever made me want to do was crawl under a rock and die.
I'm afraid I agree. That poor woman. I recall someone once shouting at me in Leicester Sq in London: "Look at that fat bird - can't tell if she's standing up or lying down!" I recall a doctor telling me: "Well, you're what I'd call a strapping great lass!" Both very different approaches -same result. I wanted to die. Just - DIE.
It is NEVER okay to speak to someone you don't know (WELL!) about their body - be it thin, fat or PREGNANT! You'll hear that from pregnant women - it's like everyone thinks they have a right to comment, touch you, tell you what to do to have the 'right pregnancy'.
I see obese women now (and men) and I think - 'Oh, if I could just put my arms around you and show you how to lose that weight...' But I don't. Because I CAN'T. That's up to them.
Your client is an arrogant boor, and I don't envy you having to work with his kind.
I would have to agree. I don't think it's a wake up call. I was called names by a family member all the time (elephant to be exact) and it only hurt my self-esteem. It didn't push me to hbe healthier or lose weight. I just ate more and ended up doing the wrong things at the time. The people who I needed support from only hurt me more. This guy was out of line. I would've cried myself. I would probably cry for the next month and that comment would stick with me for the rest of my life. I don't care how big someone is, it is the inside that allows you to lose the weight or at least the motivation to. Who knows, what if she had just lost 50 pounds and that was her reward. What if she worked so hard to lose those 50 pounds and that was her motivation and someone just made her feel smaller than a grain of sand. Her confidence probably just went out the window. She could've been 700 pounds but you don't know where she has been and why she is there to begin with. What if she was trying to avoid hurting herself (even if it was eating 6 donuts) and that just pushed her off the edge?! Things like that should never be said, especially to a stranger.
Sorry, I know you had nothing to do with it but I dealt alot with it myself growing up (on the receiving end). It's hard to live with comments like that.
I see obese women now (and men) and I think - 'Oh, if I could just put my arms around you and show you how to lose that weight...' But I don't. Because I CAN'T. That's up to them.
uhm. wow.
personally, i do think that is rude because your client does not know the girl at all. I have several family members who are morbidly obese and I won't even say something like that to my own sister because i personally know how hurtful it can be, even if meant well.
while I rarely heard anything from friends or strangers about my weight even at my HW (except my mother but i could be 110lbs and still overweight in her eyes) I can imagine how mortified she was.
In my eyes, his comment is not very different from the guy who once walked up to me at a bar and told me he always wanted to "ride a whale" and if i was willing. He was under the impression that big girls are desperate and would take anything thrown at them, no matter how degrading the offer.
.. while a drunken proposition isn't the same, the words hurt just as much.
was it a wake up call for me? absolutely NOT. I am an emotional eater and the comments said to me just made me want to eat more and bury my head in the sand more. It wasn't until 2 years later that I started making changes for myself and my health... it really is something that someone needs to do for themselves, and a lecture from a stranger really more than likely hurt rather than helped.
for a very short period of time, my boyfriend did try using similar tactics to "support" me .. using negative reinforcement, comments about what I ate, comments about my health. I finally sat him down and we talked about it and he honestly thought he was helping and supporting me by being my "conscience" .. in reality i think i gained 10 pounds over the period of time that he was doing that, but he really thought he was helping by being like that...he had no idea how incredibly hurtful he was being.
as an aside, I found more people made comments to me about my weight when I was a size 14 than did when I was a 22. I was shouted at more often from cars (the same "hey fattys" you've heard nshane) ..more family members and friends felt comfortable making comments about specific parts of my body - my stomach (where more of my weight is) my rear end, etc.
is it more socially acceptable for someone to discuss/insult someone who is only a "little" overweight as opposed to someone who is morbidly obese? Or did all these people think that they were encouraging me to lose more weight? or was it blinders and i just didn't notice it until then? I don't know.
during a time that I felt people should have been congratulating me on my weight loss and new healthy lifestyle - I HAD lost 40lbs - I was hearing nothing but negative comments... now that I'm a size 10, I hear nothing at all from these same people either way.
Awful & Rude! I don't know how you contained yourself........client or not, my mouth would have been running! Thats so sad to hear. Those are comments that come from mean people who have never walked in our shoes.
He is an A$$HOLE and I would fire him as a client on the spot! That's known as condescending arrogance, not concern! It's like, suppose you were minding your own business and some stranger came up to you and said, "You know, you would be a lot better off if you would just accept Jesus [or choose the religion you wish here] and that way you'd be saved. As it is, you are going to ****. I'm telling you this for your own good."
No one EVER has ANY right to tell ANY stranger what they should or should not be doing with food they are eating. That's the kind of behavior that LOVED ONES may do in an intervention, NOT what you say to a complete stranger in a restaurant, for heavens sake!
I am just incensed. I'm glad you said something, Shane, but I would have... gosh, probably ended up slapping him!
Wow -- that was terribly rude (as you've heard from everyone here!!) -- having an eating disorder myself -- that would have just added to my shame and sent me home to have an all out binge -- I still feel like everyone is watching me eat when I'm out (what I eat, how much, etc.) and his comments solidified that for me!! That's why I used to do all my binging in "hiding" (after everyone went to bed, kid's at school, etc.) Doing homework, etc. she is probably stressing out, needs better mechanisms for stress or just, like me, tends to eat without even noticing it.
Even people we love cann't "talk us into losing weight". I agree, it comes from within you, when you are ready.
You were VERY kind and from all of us "still overweight" people out there -- I say "thank you VERY much for sticking up for us" -- the "been there, done that" is working for you!! My sister's comment she used for me once would have worked good here -- "I can always lose weight, you will always be ugly". He is apparently an insensitive jerk -- even though he tried to word himself "nicely". Good luck working with him -- I bet you will run into some uncomfortable comments as well.
this is absolutely awful! this man has no idea who this girl is, her life experiences, where she has been, or where she is going. it takes a lot of arrogance to believe that he has the right to remark on her weight and lifestyle. this would be insulting coming from a friend or family member, but coming from a stranger it's doubly insulting! he has not walked a day in her shoes and therefore has no right to "help" her. i don't believe he was coming from a good place, either. he doesn't care whether this girl eats herself to death. he just needs to point out the perceived weaknesses of others to make himself feel superior. my experience has always been that those who seem the most arrogant have major insecurity issues, and this guy has ISSUES. FOR SURE. his remarks probably had the opposite effect on that poor girl, and it was not fair that he brought you into the conversation by commenting on YOUR body too!
you showed a lot of restraint, and good for you for trying to put out the fire by being sensitive and not sitting idly by. my first instinct would have been to smack him. what a pompous jerk.
How RUDE! Or IS it?
