I am so upset. My sister and I decided to change our lives and get healthy about 3 months ago. We started weighing in together each week, but we are both nurses and our schedules started to change and that didn't work out anymore. So, we decided we would each weigh in at home and let the other one know. My sister "fell off the wagon" so to speak before Christmas, and got back on a couple of weeks ago. The problem is this, I don't think she is really committed to losing weight and changing her lifestyle. She is making excuses and yesterday she told me that she is getting frustrated because she isn't losing any weight....even though she say's she is eating perfectly and exercising. I feel uncomfortable when I tell her that I'm losing weight each week, because I can feel the tension. She will say little things like, "oh nice, you'll be skinny and I'll still be fat!" It makes me feel so bad. Not because she say's those things, but because I want us both to get healthy. We are both in our early 40's now. We have a history of diabetes, and heart disease in our family. I don't want my sister to get sick, I love her so much. We have such a close relationship, and I feel like if I lose weight and she doesn't, it's going to drive a wedge between us. Any advice?
Although my own sister has never had a weight problem, there has long been a sort of rivalry going on between us...well, I was the one always measuring myself & my perceived "shortcomings" against her "accomplishments", without her knowing it. I wonder if the same sort of relationship exists with you & your sister? All I can say is to not let her struggles deter you, but maintain your loving, supportive attitude. I hope that she will see your successes as proof positive that losing weight isn't impossible, and that she will see your progress as encouragement. It might take her some time to "catch up," too -- remind her it's not a competition but a long-term goal to achieve good health. After my dad died of complications from diabetes & heart disease, I resolved to change my habits. It's taken me almost 4 years to really get started, though.
Hey! It's very tricky to try to do something like lose weight, quit smoking, etc., with someone else--especially if the other person decides they "can't" do it after all. So, I'd say, just tell her that maybe the two of you shouldn't continue trying to lose together since it's becoming a wedge or a source of bad feelings.
You can't make anyone else lose weight--it's hard enough to lose weight oneself! Just stay with your program and drop the pounds. If you lose and she doesn't, well, that's just how it will be! And she'll have to deal with that. You can't stay overweight because she isn't losing--that makes no sense.
Thanks guys. I think I just needed to say how I was feeling out loud. My sister is my only family living in this state and we are so close. I know I can't make her do this, no one could make me do it before I was ready either. I just hate how we don't really talk about stuff anymore. It all seems so fake, if you know what I mean. There is a definite tension there and I hate it. I guess I'm just going to have to sit down and talk to her about it and get it out in the open. I just want this so bad for the BOTH of us. She told me in the beginning if I see her slipping to be on her back until she gets back on track. Now she is resenting me and I don't want to be the food police. I guess we need to concentrate on ourselves for awhile and our relationship is going to change for a bit. I just hope she realizes that this isn't about looking good anymore, it's a health issue.
I just wanted to send you a hug and say, "I hear you."
For years, I was the slim fit one, while my sister was pretty hefty. The roles are now reversed. I'm so happy for her... she looks great and I know how good she feels. But she worries about my health, and while I appreciate her concern, I finally had to ask her to stop "checking in" with me and my efforts to lose weight. I was starting to feel resentful towards her, and while I love that she cares about me, I know she can't "make" me lose the weight.
Yes, your sister is the only one who can find the willpower to help herself. Sitting down and talking about your feelings with her is the right thing to do. She'll know that you're there when she needs you, and that's all that matters.
Big hugs for both of you... And congratulations on your success to date.
no real advice here! however, after my surgery, my sister admitted that she was quite jealous, even though she had seen my struggles firsthand, and had worried about me for years. she finally decided to have the surgery as well. she's now thinner than i am [which is fine!], and we're both healthy. i'm very jealous of her, though, because she's a stay-at-home mom, and of course her life isn't perfect. but i sure wish i could stay home!!!!
but bottom line, she admitted that the jealousy was HER issue, and she had to work it out. i'd done nothing wrong, except stay on track and lose weight and become healthier. when the time was right - for her - she made her decision. and it's all worked out.
also gotta add that losing weight often changes relationships. when one person's relationship with food changes, often the relationships with the people around them change as well. and unfortunately, it's not always for the better. the only thing we can do is to make sure we're doing what we can for ourselves to be healthy, and to be sensitive to those around us.
I think that talking to her about her weight issues is likely to just upset her. She's already upset with herself. Anything from the successful sister on the issue of how she ought to lose weight might just seem like condemnation.
If it were me, I wouldn't mention the weight issue any more than is necessary. Just tell her you accept her for who she is, that you hope she can do the same for you, and that nothing comes between the two of you since she is so important to you.
You cannot motivate her to lose weight. She has to do that for herself. You can motivate her to cut you out of her life. Some people are very, very touchy about the issue of their excess fat. I'm not saying that will happen, but think hard before you take that risk.
I went through this (almost exactly) with my partner, as we lost weight together. I lost faster (it's a product of my unique body, as well as the fact that I exercised more)...she was bothered. We finally came to the following "rules" to mediate the struggle.
1) It is ok to talk about your losses, in a general sort of sense, if the other person asks. It is not OK to bring them up (ie, if she asks "how much weight have you lost", answer. If she doesn't, don't bring it up)
2) Don't talk out loud about making "healthy choices" if you're eating out together. IE, just order the chicken breast sandwich with a side salad and dressing on the side...don't sit down at the table and start saying "I'm going to get something healthy...lets see, what do they have that's on plan"...this makes the other person feel bad if they opt NOT to make a healthy choice.
3) Don't ask the other person about what they're eating/exercising. However, DO ask (and according to my partner, ask OFTEN) how they are doing and if there is anything you can do to support them in their efforts.
These rules eliminated SO much tension. Now I'm seeing the other side of it...apparently I lose fast, but REGAIN fast...she can eat like crap for 6 weeks and stop going to the gym, and put in 2 lbs, both of which disappear in a week! I'm HAPPY for her, though...because I let go of it being a competition.
My sister and I are going to have a "sleepover" tonight at her house. We're going to watch some movies and just have some fun together. I decided to only mention the weight loss thing if she mentions it first. I'm going to give her lot's of support instead of advice!
Losing weight coming between my sister and I
I am so upset. My sister and I decided to change our lives and get healthy about 3 months ago. We started weighing in together each week, but we are both nurses and our schedules started to change and that didn't work out anymore. So, we decided we would each weigh in at home and let the other one know. My sister "fell off the wagon" so to speak before Christmas, and got back on a couple of weeks ago. The problem is this, I don't think she is really committed to losing weight and changing her lifestyle. She is making excuses and yesterday she told me that she is getting frustrated because she isn't losing any weight....even though she say's she is eating perfectly and exercising. I feel uncomfortable when I tell her that I'm losing weight each week, because I can feel the tension. She will say little things like, "oh nice, you'll be skinny and I'll still be fat!" It makes me feel so bad. Not because she say's those things, but because I want us both to get healthy. We are both in our early 40's now. We have a history of diabetes, and heart disease in our family. I don't want my sister to get sick, I love her so much. We have such a close relationship, and I feel like if I lose weight and she doesn't, it's going to drive a wedge between us.
It's very tricky to try to do something like lose weight, quit smoking, etc., with someone else--especially if the other person decides they "can't" do it after all. So, I'd say, just tell her that maybe the two of you shouldn't continue trying to lose together since it's becoming a wedge or a source of bad feelings. 
I was starting to feel resentful towards her, and while I love that she cares about me, I know she can't "make" me lose the weight. 
She'll know that you're there when she needs you, and that's all that matters.
And congratulations on your success to date. 
