Right now I'm struggling big time. I have been for a few weeks. I have been a part of OA for less than 3 months and I felt like I quickly integrated so many of the tools into my life. It felt great to be making positive changes and working through my physical, emotional, and spiritual baggage.
But, life happens whether you want it to or not. I've been suffering from some physical health problems and I feel like depression is also kicking in. I'm seeing a therapist and she's recommending that I see a psychiatrist. I never wanted to admit that my on again/off again mild depression was a problem, but it is. Anyway, the physical and emotional stuff has hit me hard right now and I'm not able to tap into the same tools that were helping me so much when I was feeling great.
I've turned right back to what has always worked--food. I am on a sugar and caffeine kick right now that doesn't seem to be anywhere near ending. I stopped making phone calls to OAers. I haven't been able to get to meetings due to the physical problems. I don't feel like writing or reading. I just don't feel like doing anything but eating and wallowing in my self pity.
I know that living the program is what is best for me in all areas, but I am feeling so unmotivated. It is just so much easier to pick up food and binge rather than deal. I really want to break this cycle of compulsive overeating, but I doubt that I'm capable of ever dealing with life's ups and downs without food. Sadly, at this point, I'm not sure I really want to deal with it all without the food.
For you long timers, how do you just keep it going? I've used food for 25 years and I'm just not sure I want to deal with life without it.
Ann, I don't have any easy answers for you. But I can tell you that I have been where you are. My reliance on food as my "friend" and "comforter" began 40 years ago. The fact that you posted tells me that you want to pull yourself out of this. You CAN do this. But you must start now with what you can. Eating clean for one meal. You can do it. Then you can do it for one more meal, and then one snack and one meal. Baby steps. Don't look anywhere but the present. And you CAN do this for right now. You have it within yourself to do this. Your HP can help you as well. I will keep you in my prayers, because I KNOW you can do this.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I know most everyone can relate on some level to what you are going through.
When the depression sinks in I have to take action quick or I do spiral down. You know, Newton's ol' law of motion:
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From Wikipedia definition, Briefly stated, the three laws of motion are:
An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by a net force.
Force equals mass multiplied by acceleration.
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
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I love the last law of motion.....Someone in program who has suffered from severe depression has changed my life with suggesting to me that I take "opposite action" when I'm headed toward old ways of depression and bingeing.
You don't think about it, analyze it, or question it. You just get up and do the opposite of what you are doing.
You get the crap food out of the house and fill the fridge and cupboards with healthy food.
You get to a meeting/s and share how you're feeling.
You don't isolate, you get on the phone to OA's or friends for support.
Get busy. "Get a life." I've heard of lot of OA's say this. Knit, bead, garden, craft, write, sing, dance, whatever you love. Get those hands busy!! Work the steps on a deep level, that's where the real healing is so we learn to live and create peaceful lives and don't need the food to cope as much. When we falter, the above tools are there when we desperately need them.
(((((((Ann))))))))) I honestly don't know what to say, But I would keep on going to OA meetings and to your therapist. What about writing things down in your food diary? I wish you all the best!
I take it one day at a time-- sometimes one moment at a time. I don't get caught up in thinking about tomorrow or forever. I'm in the here and now.
My abstinence lives a life of its own. Life has ups and downs, but my abstinence stays constant. If all that I can do in a day is keep my abstinence, then that's all I do that day-- everything else can wait. I've had days when I hid under the covers praying for the day to be over-- and staying abstinent was my only goal.
How's your step work going? Time to look at step one again. You are powerless over food and your life is unmanageable. If the disease is in control, then your life is out of control.
If you are a compulsive overeater-- then you are a food addict. Any type of addict can benefit from the help of a therapist or psychiatrist. All of my friends in OA and I see a therapist regularly. An outside perspective helps. Like compulsive overeating, we are never "cured" from mental illness. We grow, we heal, we live in recovery, we make great strides, we change our lives-- but we're never "cured". We are human-- imperfect and easily hurt. We go through periods of time when we feel great. And, then we go through times when we don't feel great. It's natural, and it's healthy to get help.
This is a program of action not theory. So, put one foot in front of the other. Go to a meeting. Make a phone call. Re-read step one. Turn your food, your abstinence, and your will over to your higher power. Recommit to your program. These are all directives to "do" something. You are worth it.
Hi Ann,
You are so awesome and will be just fine. So many people I have met have had many starts and stops with their recovery. What you have and who you are is very special. I know you will break the cycle, you are not alone.
Sometimes I think we try to be perfect in our programs and we set the bar really high for ourselves.
Recently I was beating myself up over having a peach that I thought was too big. I thought it should be 2 servings of fruit. Thankfully I stopped myself and said, "Hey, it's a piece of fruit! not and entire bag of chocolate.
Stay with us Ann we are here for you.
Love, Bumps
I have been struggling for the past three weeks. I decided that I would work the WW Flex Plan along with my OA program. I see my OA program as the foundation for recovery and the WW Flex Plan as a tool/food plan. I agree with all of what was said here so I really don't have much to add except I too am really struggling and feeling discouraged.
Today is a critical day for me. I need to feel the feelings and continue doing what I need to do. I know the worst thing I could do is COE. I don't feel so much like doing that as just not counting points when I have blown this past couple of weeks any way. I have a feeling I am the only one who uses all of the flex and exercise points and still goes over!!
Thank you all so much for the support that you gave me. I'm sorry I didn't follow up until now, but we were away on vacation. It probably wasn't the best thing for my abstinence (or lack of abstinence since I wasn't abstinent when we went). I went to visit family which is usually a very emotionally challenging thing for me. In fact, it may be a reason why I fell off the wagon. Getting ready to see certain family members can always bring me into a binge. Just brings me back to lots of issues that go back for many, many years.
Too much time has gone by now and I've been off program for almost as long as I was on (which isn't saying much since I was only abstinent for 60 days). It was a bad relapse, but I'm ready to get back on program. I hope I can.
On top of it all, I did wind up going to a psychiatrist. He put me on an anti-depressant. I haven't been on it long enough to see any changes, but hopefully within 30 days he said I should see a difference.
I'm getting back to meetings this week. I want to reach out to some OAs on the phone as well. Eventually, I'll find a new sponsor at some point. I need to get abstinent again as well. I don't like the way I'm feeling with all the sugar in my system.
Why does it have to be so hard? I can only hope that with time it gets easier.
Ann, welcome back, I missed you. It is better with you here posting and sharing.
You will find your abstinence again and you are wise to seek out a Sponsor. That give and take relationship with a Sponsor who is solid in their recovery is key.
My Sponsor keeps me straight because I can get things all mixed up in a way that pleases me and that is trouble for sure.
Again, good to have you back.
Bumps.
Hi Ann, I just wanted to say it’s good to have you back on this forum, and to thank you so much for your support – it really made a difference – and you’re so kind to reach out when you are struggling yourself.
I get a lot of identification with you, because I too struggle with denial around mild depression. I’m waiting to see a therapist who has expertise in the arena of food abuse, and it was really the relapse that got me to the point of committing to this.
I seem to get to a certain point in OA abstinence, but when the darkish stuff begins to show itself, I just crumble. But because of what I see in OA, particularly on this forum, I do truly believe it is possible to be in this world without hurting myself with food. My AA journey has shown me the power of the 12 steps, and I consider that a gift which I cradle like a tiny candle flame in difficult times.
I’m just taking it heartbeat-by-heartbeat right now. Abstinence feels shaky and fragile and new. I know there's also a part of me still struggling with acceptance too, but I'm writing about it and willing to change. I’m still off the coffee – and that seems to be working for me in that I definitely feel less cravings for sugar ( I think I was drinking it so strong, my blood sugars were affected, which for me is a trigger, but I have OA friends who can drink it in moderation.)
It’s good to hear your willingness to re-connect to OA. I have my Saturday morning meeting today, and I need it like I need water. Because COE is a very big force of negativity in me – it feels overwhelming until I get some spiritual reminder that I’m not alone with this, and that people can and do recover, together, one day at a time.
Keep posting – you bring something special to our forum.
Ann-
You asked why it has to be so hard. We all would like to know the answer to that. Working towards recovery is hard, but so is living in the disease. The difference is that the work for recovery has hope and help attached to it. Living in the disease does not.
Have you read in For Today lately? There are some great entries about relapse and returning in there.
Doing what's best vs. doing what's easiest
Sadly, at this point, I'm not sure I really want to deal with it all without the food.
Me too!
