I know a couple of other weight watching moms who are working with overweight children, particularly teens and pre-teens. We are a special group to be sure. As for me, I am trying to lose weight too but I have a 16 year old daughter who is "in trouble". She's lost her desire, she was doing so well on Weight Watchers, having lost 24 pounds. Then, over summer vacations, she lost control, gained back some weight and kind of is lazy and doesn't want to do this. She says, "I'm sick of starving all the time".
I'm scared for her. She looks like she's put almost all her weight back on, her cute clothes that she fit back into are tight and looking terrible on her. We got rid of all her "fat clothes", of course, and she said she would never put them back on. Now, I have to take her shopping and get clothing she can wear again, in BIGGER sizes....
What can I do to inspire her? How can I help her without making her anorexic? bulimic? What is it I can do or say to make her recognize what a great job she was doing and try to get back in control again?
I know setting a good example and making sure healthy foods and snack are in the house and important, but she's not measured anything in ages. Her "half cup serving" of light ice cream is more like a cup and a half now.
What can I do?
Surely, others here are going through this. Surely, there must be a way to help our children, but not nag them and make them angry and not help to towards eating disorders as well. I want nothing but the best and love her so dearly. I'm so disappointed.
I don't have kids but the "starving all the time" comment is frequently heard from my fiance. I just try to encourage low calorie snacks to fill up on. Cut fresh veggies and apples are always an option. If he doesn't want that, he's on his own. It's just not coming into my house.
I stopped buying "just like" snacks. Stuff that tastes just like the real thing, like ice cream and diet soda, disappears. 100 Calorie snack packs get downed by the boxfull, completely missing the purpose and costing me more money, too. Besides, it's not really encouraging the lifestyle change we are attempting to realize.
A gentle reminder that the money you are spending on new clothes could have been money spent for smaller clothes might be appropriate- not in the store, of course.
This is a hard one because the motivation has to come from your daughter. I hope your success encourages her to give it another shot!
I know how hard it is to not feel like a nag with children. My daughter is only 8 but she told me tonight that I was always being horrible to her when I wouldn't let her have a second 'dessert'. Even though what she'd had was a fairly healthy fruit cocktail set in jelly (jello) and she wanted some natural yogurt with honey it was the principle for me that she choses only one dessert. My DD understands about eating healthy food but has a real problem with portion control. She thinks she can eat what she wants if its 'healthy'. She has a slim older brother so gets upset that I seem to treat him differently but he's 14 and growing and needs the extra calories.
Good evening.
Firstly, what happened today has made me very sad. My daughter used my computer for something and saw what I wrote in here and was very angry with me for "airing her issues in public" or whatever you want to call it here.
She'll probably read this remark as well. So, what I want to say "in public" is that I love her. I want her happy and I want her to be proud of herself. I have "been there" when it comes to losing weight and putting it back on. I've hated myself when all is said and done. Each time you allow weight to come back on and try again, it seems to be even harder and each time I've allowed myself to gain my weight back, I have had more to lose each of those times as well.
Maybe it was a bad thing that I put this out here for some to read, maybe it was a good thing and now she knows what I was thinking, at least? I don't know.
But, I stress to you all and to her that this is an anonymous thread. My "screen name" is not my real name and no one knows it's her or me for real on this web site. I would never have put her real name out there or my own, for that matter. But, I am not ashamed that I have struggles with my weight and nor should she or anyone else. It's a human condition and affects tons and tons of people. We all are here to help each other. I was just seeking help.
I am trying to be 100% truthful here as it is important, I think.
These issues between parents and children about weight are so hard. I was nearly in tears and so was she. I love her, and she was really mad at me. Eating shouldn't be a war between a mother and child. A mother needs to help her kid, no matter what age he/she is to eat healthy and to have a good body image.
Maybe reading this was good, again maybe it wasn't. I don't know but it's too late now. I don't know if I will come back to this particular thread, even, as she is angry with me. But, I didn't just want to start a thread and just leave it, though.
I hope I can help her. I hope I didn't damage anything. She's a great kid and I hope she can maintain the losses she has had and continue along a healthy and positive path.
Parents are not perfect, and kids are not either.
I am so sorry you and your daughter are at odds about this. I don't really have advice but I wanted to tell you how I feel from a daughter's perspective.
I'm 26 now but struggled with my weight my whole life. My mom also has had the scale go up and down (but only after she had kids). Being an overweight teenager is one of the worst things in the world. The only thing worse is having your mother try to "help." I know you are coming from a good place, just like I know now that my mom was doing the same thing.
I think weight loss is one of those things that an individual has to want himself/herself; he/she needs to be motivated within. No one can want it for you.
If you have pictures from when she weighed less, you should put them up or look at them with her to give her a visual.
Sorry Derry that things have got more heated than you wished from posting what you did but I know exactly where you're coming from. You don't wish your DD to have the same difficulties you have had. You want to spare her the pain. Right? You don't want to be a witch and make her life a misery, far from it. You want what's best for her.
With my DD I want to nip things in the bud and get her to recognise that food has limits, strict limits in her and my case. Yes it unfair that some people have to be less strict (my son) but life's not always fair. I'm really concerned that despite not wanting it to this is becoming a battle between us. I'm trying to get my husband to reinforce my message so its not just me that's the big bad wolf but he's much more relaxed about the weight issues than me.
I hope you can work things out with your daughter and that she can appreciate where your coming from.
I really appreciate all of your remarks. I truly do not want to be the witch and "enforcer" here. I'm looking for inspirational things I can do to help that are not nagging and very positive. I can help by providing really great food and snacks in our house all the time. I can help by preparing WW friendly meals.
What is that saying? You always hurt the ones you love. I never meant to hurt her, but as her parent this post is more about me than about her, I guess. I need the ideas, support, in order to inspire and encourage her.
I think she is OK now, but having read this was hurtful to her. But, this morning, my attitude is a bit different, I only want to help her. If she does read it, well fine. She HAS to know it's because I care so much. I work really hard to be a good parent.
I do not want to share her pain if she just gives up and then is 20 pounds heavier by high school graduation, and cannot wear the wonderful clothing she now has and even nicer, cuter things then when the weather will be getting hot and she will want to be in a gorgeous prom dress.
The saying, when the going gets tough the tough get going comes to mind. The going has gotten tough for not only her, but for the rest of us when it comes to sticking with this program.
I think people (not her, not me, but people in general) try weight loss plans. They want a quick fix and they want to lose the weight really fast. We all grow sick of it and we all feel that the monumental effort we put in should be over with and we should just have earned being thin and not have continue the huge effort we've had to put forth. We all feel like we would very much like to return to the days of old when we were shoving anything we wanted in our faces. I know I sure do. Cakes, cookies, doughnuts, fast food fries, butter spread all over everything.... I want it ALL... but logic tells me that all things must be had in moderation. It's not like I can never have a piece of cake again in my life, but not every single week for sure. I suppose rationing those foods makes them all that much more precious? So, when I do get to have them, I will enjoy them all the more.
Well, no one said life would be like that for us. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and eating WELL are not easy things. Living on today's society, we are enticed with food commercials. Every street corner has fast food, convenience marts, doughnut shops (my weakness, but I've not had a doughnut in ages - I'm proud of that). It's really, really hard to make the good healthy choices each and every time.
It's even harder for kids who might have issues with weight as "all the other kids" can and do eat whatever they want.
Hugs to all,
I haven't had a piece of cake in several months. I don't eat desserts because they don't contribute to my maintenace of a 200+ pound loss (maintained for 30 years). You have to learn what to eat and eating everything in moderation does not work for everyone. Perhaps you need to give it a rest for a month or try a different plan. If you have to have ice cream in the house - I wouldn't since she can't stop at a single 1/2 cup, buy the little cups - all measured no guess work.
I think when you make a big issue out of weight it becomes a control issure and you will lose in the end.
I too, am having trouble with my overweight daughter. It kills me when she's out trying on clothes and starts to cry because they won't fit. She wants deperately to wear what her friends are wearing but everything is so form fitting and that would never work for her. She will be 14 early next year and starting high school next fall. I know how teenage girls can be with each other and I would hate for her to be the brunt of anyones jokes.
She walks 15mintues 4x a day back and forth to school and she's also picked up a paper route.. which takes her out of our area = more excersize. She doesn't over eat and her packed lunches are very fat free/healthy.
I'm at my wits end and to top it all off.. my son is 8 and he's also starting to get pudgy! Same age as my daughter was when she started putting it on!
Linda, my mom grew up with my grandmother riding her from the age of 6 about her weight. She was constantly shamed and scolded- by her own mother. The fact that you are looking for a positive, supportive way to help your daughter speaks volumes and, sadly, she may not be able to realize it until much later in life. You're a good mom!!!
Blooeyedgirl, I grew my first eating like crazy, gaining quite a bit of weight then completely losing my appetite and shooting up several inches. My mom just did her best to keep "ingredients" in the house- no ready-made snacks, lots of fresh veggies and whole grains- to encourage me to at least expend some energy making my mini-feasts and limit the amount of junk I was eating.
It's hard to know when to step in with diet damage control because kids are still growing.
Is your daughter eating enough? Once you start starving your body you drop your metabolism- this is particularly dangerous for young girls.
My other question is, is your daughter really being honest about what she eats? I have a good friend who insisted she never overate and always ate healthy, only to discover that she was constantly "sneaking" junk and her portions even for healthful food were way too large. Obviously, this is not a healthy relationship with food.
I wish you luck! It took a lot of guts for me to accept as a teenager that I just needed to listen to my body when I was that age. I hope your girls can develop the self-esteem and confidence to become healthy, happy young women!!!
Hm, wow, tough situation. I'm both a parent as well as a daughter who had a mother who prodded her about weight, so I understand both sides of this coin, to some extent.
I think the best thing to do is keep the junk out of the house, even "desserts". They don't have to be a nightly thing. That way, your daughter can't feel resentment that your son gets something that she doesn't. When I began eating healthy, we had an immediate, drastic drop-off of unhealthy foods in the house. My growing teenager didn't like it so much, but he learned to fill up on healthy things (and he was welcome to grab change out of the change jar to buy junk, I just requested that he keep it out of the house).
Looking back, much of why I ate was because I was bored. Is she being intellectually challenged, does she have any activities she does that spark her creativity? Maybe a drawing class, or a teens book club would help stave off boredom.
The other helpful thing might be to incorporate more exercise. Family activities could include moderate exercise (bowling instead of a movie, or a bike ride every night after dinner). Is she interested in any extra-curricular activities at school, like swimming or dance? Or maybe a school-exercise activity would be too much, she might benefit from a cardio-salsa class at the Community Education center or something.
Ann Fletcher authoress of Thin for Life, along with companion books the Thin for Life Daybook and Eating Thin for Life. Has written another one specefic for this topic at hand.... Her latest book "Weight Loss Confidential: How Teens Lose Weight and Keep it Off, and What They Wish Parents Knew."
I found out about it thru the 3FC interview with Ann.
Susan, you are probably right. I do think the little ice cream cups (they are called Hoodies around here) might be a good idea.
Blooeyedgirl, It all started with my own DD when she was about that age. My first step was to take her to the doctor and get permission for her to join Weight Watchers along with me. The doctor's office monitored her for a period of time. She did very well. Now, two years later, she is having trouble. It's so tiresome to be the kid who always has to "watch it" and be in control.
Our society it terrible at times, teenagers do feel they have to be thin in order to be worthy or be considered popular. As a mom, I want to help my kid feel well adjusted and happy about herself. It's so hard. I hope she feels worthwhile and good about herself no matter what her weight is.
But, being healthy is so important. It's not all about appearances.
If a kid is getting exercise, eating properly and still is overweight, it's really time to involve a doctor, I guess, though. If a kid is eating out of control, then that is different. A nutritionist is a good idea as well to determine how many servings of each food group are appropriate as well as what a serving size ought to be.
Thanks for your support, Lafayette.
In this house, there are four of us. Two of us are not on Weight Watchers and two of us are. As the mom who shops for the entire family, I can't just cut out certain foods as my husband and son are here as well.
I do think my DD eats when she is bored, it's almost without thought. She's grab a box of Cheerios, for example, and just sit there eating mindlessly. I try to "suggest" (and she considers it nagging, of course) that she measure out a serving as per the box and just have that. It's so hard and I have to allow her to run her own life. I can shop and provide the good foods, but she is in control.
Thanks, Sassy, for the link. I'm off to bed now, but will read it tomorrow.
You guys are great!
I am not a mother with overweight kids but I am a daughter. I figured it would help you moms for my input.
I've been getting heavier since the 2nd grade in my opinion. My mom dissagrees that it was really 3/4. I guess she doesn't remember like I remember being teased about my weight then, too. There are three times in my life I've attempted weight loss. Once in 5th grade and two other times in high school, maybe middle. Each time my mother was behind me. I could feel the changes in my body. I remember bumping into my 4th grade teacher and her commenting on my weight loss. At the time, I was using some dance inspired workout off MTV. They took it off and my pounds came back on. From that time and till now, every adult I've came into contact with bribes me with things to loose the weight. My grandmother harrassed me over my weight. At one point in high school, I had a doctor yell at me about my morbid obseity. I've luckly blocked that out.
I'd say(other than the bad times with my mother) only my mother and my peds doctor were positive influencers to me getting healthy. As much as I love my mother, I knew I would never be able to do it in her house unless she changed the way she lived drastically. Even when I was a state officer for FCCLA in charge of the healthy body program, I still didn't lose weight. There were times I'd do it for a few weeks and stop. I could feel the changes in my body. Sometimes others would see it. Even though I loved not getting heartburn or making my peds doctor proud, I couldn't do it.
My mother lost 100+ pounds. She's maintaining. She looks incrediable. It made me feel okay when she was 22 when I was a 24 but then, it made it worse. She changed her habits but not my families. With the temptation of on the go food and 10+ years of haboits, I couldn't shake it.
I moved out and with a boyfriend. My food didn't get healthier but it wasn't fast food as much as before. I moved again. She gave me some weight watchers stuff and a "weight loss basket" with everything I wanted and then some to help me. I really wasn't happy but it was okay. I'm used to it. Well, I said I was going to do it around Febuary. I still didn't do it. Then, I moved out of a bad situation with the boyfriend. That was my opportunity. I shaking up my routine and really allow myself to focus on myself(because I knew I couldn't do it with a boyfriend). I had lost 20+ pounds since December just by increasing how much I walked because I became a YMCA group leader. Especially over the summer where we walked ALOT, I could still eat what I wanted and loose/maintain.
I think I had been here for 3 weeks. I was eating semi good. I could eat how much I wanted whenever I wanted. But I was choosing and getting used to better choices which I have been doing for months off and on. Two weeks ago, I officially started Weight watchers with the stuff my mom gave me in December. Then two days after that I started exercising. Since then, I've lost 12 pounds.
The big point I'm making is that your daughters have to be ready. I'm glad it's taking me this long. I truly understand the only road to weight loss now. I've been bribed so many times where I truly hate it when other people say, "If you lose weight, I'll give you *object of my desires*" I became upset when an ex tried to mention it. I don't like it when people tell me tips on loosing weight. I probably know them from my mom, her friends, or my own research. I like it when I need help. The most help I need is support and how to keep salads longer ( >.< ). Of course. adapting to the Weight watchers thing was a little bit harder than I thought but I chose Weight Watchers because 1) I liked the tracking book better and 2) I figured since I'm new to this, it'd help me. If I hadn't done WW, I'd have done low fat low cal like my mother. I'm also using alli to really keep me honest.
Personally, I don't feel like I'm hungry all the time(I know I read one mother's daughter said that). A lot of the time I'm stressed on trying to get those 3 meals a day. The only times I'm hungry is when I am working. Other than that, I always feel full. I usually snack on celery, carrots, special K bars, slim fast muffin bars(cause I hate chocolate in all those snack bars), and sometimes a slice or two of meat or a can of chicken. I hardly have cravings for sweets because I never liked most sweets anyways and since the past few months where I've been taking alot of fattening food out of my life, I feel like I don't need it. The only thing I do crave sometimes is high fattening foods(like the fast food I grew up on) and cheese(I'm only craving it today cause I haven't had any cheese in a week usually I eat cheese 1 or 2 a week depending). I found things that work for me. Soy milk works for me more than regular milk. It lasts a little longer and it makes me excited to drink milk.
So, I don't know if this will help any of you mothers. I hope it does help to have a daughters opinion. But please be carefull how you say things to your daughters. What parents say is probably the most influential things on earth.
I don't have a daughter, but I am a high school teacher, so I see lots of girls struggling with weight issues. I know it's extremely tough emotionally for teen girls who are fuller figured (whatever that may mean - 15 lbs. overweight or 100). There are many, many high school girls who still have the little girl SKINNY bodies who do not have to give a second thought to what they eat.
Yes, we do see the other extreme too (girls who go all day without eating - no lunch, breakfast), but many of the teen girls are still naturally thin, and eat a tremendous amount of food, including fast food almost daily after school. Often the heavier girls just beat themselves up emotionally, comparing themselves to these skinny girls. Every teen girl suffers some degree of insecurity already, but couple that with a weight gain, and the negative feelings toward self multiply. She knows she is heavier than she should be or would like to be, and is most likely already very unhappy about this fact.
As far as maternal support goes, I do think it's imperative for a mom to be supportive, but perhaps in a less obtrusive way. I agree with the other posters that your daughter must be ready and decide for herself that she wants to lose and then find that motivation mainly from within.
I've had girls tell me that their moms put all kinds of pressure on them to lose - these often involve 'making deals' with the daughter, like if you lose X lbs. by X date, dad and I will buy you ______. I am certain that these offers come from a place of love and support, but I believe they make the daughters feel that maybe mom's love is conditional or that mom will love me more if I weigh less or I wish mom loved me as I am.
I don't get the impression you are doing these sorts of things or that you don't love your daughter wholly and unconditionally (I can from your posts that you certainly do), but I do think that is the way daughter's often internalize the support mom's give them toward weight loss. Girls begin to associate food with guilt and feelings of unworthiness, which often spurs more overeating and the cycle continues. Even little helpful reminders may sometimes backfire if your daughter is already upset with herself.
I was close to a girl last year who had been heavy all through high school (I would guess she was about 50 lbs overweight). She adapted well to her extra weight, staying involved in clubs and remaining a very positive upbeat person. Yet her weight always troubled her. Last year, as a senior, she began (on her own) to make serious efforts to lose the weight. She read a lot, counted calories, talked to her mom about it, and began exercising. Her parents stretched themselves financially to get a gym membership, which was a big help in her weight loss. She lost weight (she was no skinny minny by year's end but she looked great and I'm sure went down a few clothing sizes); I know she was proud of herself for her efforts and success. While her mom was very supportive, I know Jenny's motivation came mainly from within herself (with her mom quietly cheering her on).
Keep loving her and supporting her, provide nutritious foods at home (pack her a healthy lunch if you can - boy, the school food is horrendous nutritionally), encourage her to exercise (maybe offer to go on walks with her)... but... I would ease off on commenting too much about her losing. I also think it might help her to get involved in 3FC. I believe there is a pretty active teen thread here.
I didn't mean to get so long and rambling here. This is just such a sensitive subject for teens. You obviously love your daughter very much and want the best for her. I wish the both of you all the best
For moms with overweight kids
