[karinkc]

Hi,

This is my first post here, but not my first time reading through the site.

I've been depressed for quite a few years until I finally started taking Wellbutrin, which saved my life. I lost weight, got healthy and started loving myself. I have someone who loves me very much. And about two months ago, I was at my goal weight.

Thing is, during my last two weeks in Europe til now (I went to study and stay with my boyfriend for 6 months), I put on 10 lbs. I can't fit most of my clothes. I'm only 5"2, so yes - the pounds do make a difference.

The reason I became depressed was my long history of eating disorders and how I think it's terribly unfair that I have to go through each and every day, every waking minute, thinking about what I'm going to binge on or how I'm going to purge. Being here, I know I'm not alone. But within my circle of friends, nobody understands and I do not get any support.

I thought that I'd finally recovered from my weight obsession and from harming myself, but now that I'm back home and away from my boyfriend, realitity's beginning to hit me. I've put on 10 pounds and no matter how much I lie to myself, I DO obsess.

I know it's getting more and more severe because lately, I haven't had any desire to eat, but I force myself to eat alot because I'm afraid I'll fall back into my bulimia.

The reason I can't eat is this: I'm physically disgusted with myself. I look in the mirror, and I lose my appetite. I haven't felt this way in a long time. And now, I'm less outgoing and all I want to do is stay home in my baggy sweats that hide my body well.

I know objectively, I'm not "fat". But I'm literally disgusted by my body. I'm scared I might be falling back into depression. I'm in the process of cutting down my dose of Wellbutrin, but now it looks like I really can't do that.

I really don't know what to do. I don't have it in me to lose the weight. I'm literally SICK and TIRED of dieting my entire f*cking life. But it's these few pounds that's making me hate myself.

Thanks for reading. I just needed to be heard. I hope I can find support here.

[PinkyPie]

First of all, big hugs to you!

Secondly, if you are cutting down on your Wellbutrin, the way you feel right now can be directly related to that. It could be that you need to stay on, but it could also be that you just need to give it some time to get out of your system. I stopped taking my Effexor in April and I only now (well, it started about a month ago) feel like I'm really OK again.

In the meantime, is there any way to distract yourself from these thoughts and feelings you have? I'm not saying don't feel your feelings, but if they are coming too often (the negative feelings) can you do something else so that you are not to obsessive about them? I know it's hard, but you have to know and realise it does get better and you will get rid of these extra negative feelings soon, but you have to be patient.

You've also had some changes in your life and that takes some getting used to. Changes can always set those of us back who are affected by depression.

You DO have it in you, I think maybe you need to somehow switch the thoughts into positive ones. I definitely know that sick and tired feeling. Wondering why it always has to be a struggle or a focus in my life or even an obsession. Try to switch and think of the things that are GOOD in your life. Think about all the things and reasons that you are NOT disgusting. Because you really are not. It's hard to believe, I know, but you really, really are not.

If there is something that you are doing right now that could have a negative impact on your diet/weight, start making small changes. You CAN do this, you are beautiful and strong and able. Take the tiniest of steps in the direction you know is good for you and work your way up.

Hang in there and keep talking - we are all here to help and support you!!!

[CousinRockingChair]

No, you arn't alone, theres plenty of support here!

I get you on the self-disgust thing, and the eating disorder thing.

From what I've gathered/heard/have-learnt experimentally, doing things that prove to yourself you are worthy of healthy normal eating habits help lessen the urge to binge/purge etc, as is "getting in touch with your emotions", so you don't express them through b/p, but through other means.

[karinkc]

Thank you.

I i'll try to deal with my problems another way. I certainly do hope it's the wellbutrin thing, halving my dose and all, because today I'm even more depressed.

Thanks again for the support. it's nice to be heard.

[Gale02]

Just out of curiosity, are you halving your dose on orders from your MD or because everything seems better now and you think you shouldn't be on it anymore?

I tried the latter once and realized that my MD really knows what she's talking about. Clinical depression doesn't just go away because my situation improves. (Whereas situational depression will.) I talk to my MD every year about my meds and whether they need to be changed. Every year she tells me that I'm normal and well-adjusted. No need to change a thing. If you are normal on meds and depressed off of them, why are you going off?

Being on medication (when needed) isn't weakness, it's a sign of strength. You know that you need help and are willing to take the steps to lead a normal, happy, healthy life.