So this weekend a friend stayed over at my house. We had not seen eachother in 2 years. The last time we saw eachother I was about 20 pounds thinner than I am now but we were probably roughly the same weight.
My friend gained a considerable amount of weight in the past 2 years. I would guess at least 70 lbs. Probably more like 100.
The thing is.. I kept getting the impression I was making her feel.. FAT. I would never do so intentionally.
But first off she lied to me about how much weight she gained. She said she also only gained 20 pounds in the last 2 years. I know this is not true and it doesn't matter if she gained more than that or not.. but why lie about it?? It's not like I'm skinny and she has something to hide. Or like saying she only gained 20 is gonna make her actually slimmer. I just didn't see the point but when she said it to me I didn't question it.
When she got her pajamas on she closed the door to my bedroom... which may just have been modesty.. but she never used to do that so it was kinda weird to me.
She sat on my couch all weekend watching tv while my sister and I spent a good portion of the time around the yard and swimming and such. When I invited her to join us she didn't want to and said, "I'm lazy."
When we went to buy some dinner (my fridge is empty) she decided on pizza. She grabbed a large supreme frozen pizza. First I thought she was just picking out one for the 3 of us to share but then she said, "I can eat this whole pizza by myself." I said, "Oh really," and kept looking at the pizzas. I wasn't trying to be insulting or anything but she snapped back, "Yea ..well.. I'm Fat." So we ended up getting a couple pizzas.
When it came time to eat, both my sister and myself could sense she was uncomfortable eating around us. We both kept eating until she stopped eating (to the point of feeling sick) because we didn't want her to feel bad. We ate so much.. we both felt terrible.. and we both gained 5 pounds while she stayed with us over the weekend.
I guess I just don't understand it. It's not like I am skinny. Why would she be weird with her weight around me?? The situation was uncomfortable and I don't know why. I don't think I have ever tried to make someone feel fat and bad about themselves.. and yet I felt the whole weekend like no matter what I was doing I was making her feel awful. I'm not sure where to go from here with our friendship and I haven;t yet talked to her since she left my house.
Yikes! Do NOT sabotage your eating over her or any one. 100 pounds more than you? Some people feel huge if they are 5-10 pounds more than someone! That is her problem. Let it stay that way. You keep on losing!
If she gained 70 to 100 pounds in two years she is fat. She was probably thinking about how she looked the last time you saw her. If anything, that's what made her feel particularly fat. I'd say she already felt fat before your get together though. No doubt you also must have looked at her with some alarm. I doubt you could hide your shock completely even if you sincerely tried.
It is not just you, I bet she feels that way around everyone. believe me, I've been there. (and am still there. I just don't play the weird food games around ppl anymore.)
When my friends have wanted to binge on pizza, I have gently suggested that we have "a BIG salad" to go with our pizza, or I will bring over an extra vegetable, like a box of frozen spinach. At least then you've got other options.
I hate when things get weird with friends. I honestly don't know why we try to "please" people so much. No doubt it was all brought on herself. Please don't sweat it - you did nothing wrong. You can't fix other people.
It sounds like she is really feeling terrible about herself and maybe depressed. I imagine that's why she didn't want to participate, just wanted to eat and watch tv, put herself down, didn't want you to see her change, etc. I would be compassionate, be a good friend, be receptive if she wants to talk about it, and don't let it throw you off track.
She felt uncomfortable with you and defensive because you are making the effort to eat better and she's not. Even if you weighed the same amount and had gained the same amount since you last saw each other, you're going one way and she's going the other. And she knows it.
I'd wait a couple of days, call to say thanks for coming, and then leave it alone for awhile.
My sister that is bigger than me now for the first time in her life says that when she is around me she eats twice as much as she normally would cause "just seeing me makes her feel fat". I'm not going to change how I'm living now to accomodate her insecurity. This is just something she is going to have to get over..Or she always has the option of buckling down and losing wt. herself. It's her choice, but not one I'm gonna feel bad about.
It's unfortunate - but it's really not anything you've done. She is probably miserably self-conscious around anyone who is smaller than her right now. I think lots of us have been there. I know for me when I was there nothing the other person said/did changed things - I was miserable with myself & absolutely everything reminded me of that.
Maybe send her a card of encouragement letting her know you are there for her if she needs someone to talk to. When she's ready she will remember that.
Thanks guys-- I know she is feeling kinda down. I think no matter what she would have felt how she did.
However, I also agree that I should not let someone else guilt me into changing my healthier habits for them. I think I am still full from all I ate this weekend out of guilt. **Blah**
I agree with the advice that has been given. And you know, I think you must be a really kind person to even make yourself sick for a friend. You're a good friend just don't forget to be good to yourself too!
Hope things get better for your friend. That sort of weight gain must be due to depression or something... I've gained 50lbs in about a year because of depression.
It sounds like she was really mad at herself because she has gained so much weight and she sees you doing something about your weight. so she was mad at herself and it came out on you.
Usually, when I hear about a reunion story where the friend has gained weight, all I hear about is how they tried to sabotage someone all weekend. Like: "My friend criticized me for losing weight. She insisted we buy several pizzas. She didn't want to do anything and made fun of me for wanting to do things." Maybe you left that out of the story but I didn't hear any of that from your friend!
What I hear is someone who is obviously embarrassed that she's gained weight but she's not mad or jealous. I give her mad props for still being herself without damaging you. If you haven't seen each other in 2 years, there may be some awkwardness at first but if you want to continue the friendship, you'll both move beyond it.
I gained a massive amount of weight like that when DH and I moved out here, so I kind of know how she feels. I basically became a shut in, never going anywhere, not talking to people, etc. I still don't have anyone here I'd consider a friend because I sabotaged every person's attempt to be my friend. And I did it all because I felt sooo incredibly self-conscious everywhere I went. That's where she's coming from. There's really no cure for that except for her to find her own self-confidence. Not much you can but continue to be her friend; she'll realize you don't care, so why should she?
Made my Friend feel FAT?!?!
