Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

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Old 08-12-2007, 09:01 PM   #1  
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Default Worst Wknd Ever :z

Well, I don't even know where would be an appropriate place to begin...so, here goes nothing:

This weekend started out pretty ****ty. My family and I went on a little weekend-trip...one of my best friends was orginally planning on going with us, but of course with my luck, she couldn't come. Truth be told, I don't think she wanted to come to begin with. That's how it is; I don't have any real friends it seems. So, that was a real bummer and more or less put me in a crummy mood...and it gets worse...
We left Thursday afternoon, anticipating a four or five hour drive. Naturally we were running behind schedule, so I didn't end up eating (yay) until about 7 or 8 o'clock at night. Considering I hadn't eate all day long, I allowed myself a little more food than I normally would've...a big no, no on my part. But really, it wasn't THAT bad...
We didn't arrive at the casino resort until about mid-night, and beforehand we had stopped at a local grocery store and picked up a few items for breakfast. And after eating alllll that food, I had about 3 or 4 doughnuts :Z!! And it gets even worse!....
I resolved that the next day (Friday), I would only allot myself 500 or 600 calories (I typically allot myself 7-800). I did exceptionally well until about 4 o'clock when our family decided to grab an early dinner at a buffet. I was able to somewhat control myself then; I had some pasta and a little slice of cake and frozen yougurt. Normally that would've been herrendous, but considering that was all I was going to be eating that day, it wasn't that all that terrible....+, I assumed we'd be walking around a lot, and I knew that I'd be going swimming later on that night...
Well, we went out and explored the area a little bit: went shopping, etc., etc. Suddenly, me being the big pig that I am, I got a hankering for a cheeseburger, and when we arrived back at the hotel, I consumed TWO double-cheeseburgers from burker king...Oh, and it gets even worse...
Later that night while my dad was out, my mom, my siblings and I went to a nearby Wal-Mart, and I picked myself up a banana-cream pie...and ate a pretty large fraction of that...
THEN, the next day (Saturday), I ate some more of the pie in the morning and decided that I wouldn't eat for the remainder of the day. I was apalled at myself, but I figured that if I could control myself for the rest of the day, I'd be alright. That morning, I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill and burned 400 of the 78468573 calories I'd consumed for the past two days. Afterwards, I went swimming with my younger siblings, and after all that exercise, I felt a little bit better. Surprisingly, I was even a little hungry...
But of course later that day, I'd consumed a bean and rice burrito with lettuce and sour cream, more of the pie and a whole bottle of root beer. At that point, I gave up on estimating the number of calories I'd consumed, because the truth is, I was too terrified to even know.
Oh, and after that, I had mor eof the pie...I even awakened at 4 o'clock in the morning (because my 'rents were arguing over money and such, naturally), and ate even MORE of the pie..until about 2/3 of it.
This morning, I again, resolved not to eat anything for the bext couple of days, but on the way home, we stopped at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants (and I'm a sucker for Mexican food), and I had a whole bean&cheese burrito and a side order of refried beans with cheese and rice...yeah...
So now I'm sitting here at home, regretting even having gone. And throughout this whole food extravaganza, I've taken about 10 or 12 laxatives which have yet to work...well, except for a little bit (lol, of ya'll get what I'm saying). While I was at the hotel, I tried throwing up, but of course, I wasn't able to (I've neverrrrr been able to force myself to throw up; I'm assuming I've a very strong stomach). I was so upset about that, that I tried cutting my fat stomach with a pair of tweezers...another failure.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm sorry this rant is so long and so pathetic and so trivial...I'm just so angry with myself. I hate myself so much; I just want to die. I can't believe I threw a month and a half or work down the drain in a single weekend. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of the damn food and calories floating around in my disgusting body...
(Everytime I go on vacation, I always do this...It's so so so frustrating).
I'm going to fast for the next two or three days. Now that I'm home, I'll better be able to control myself in regards to food consumption and whatnot...
So yeah, I don't know what else to rant and rave about, other than the fact that I'm a big, disgusting pig. I haven't felt this bad since befor emy hsopitalization (for those of you who don't know, I was hospitalzied a couple of months ago for depression, cutting and my ED). God, I feel ashamed admitting I have an etaing problem, certrainly when I'm as large as I am...saying that I've an eating disorder is a friggin' joke.




I just want to die :<
I've been fantasizing about cutting my own fat out.
Ridiculous, I know.
But I'm just really f*cked up right now.
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Old 08-12-2007, 10:15 PM   #2  
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makemethin - I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You do have friends here who want to help but I think the most we can do is give you hugs. You need someone much more qualified to listen to you and to deal with your problems.

This is the second post I've read from you where you have talked about binging, using laxitives, cutting and limiting yourself to a rediculously low amount of calories. Something needs to be done - soon.

You say that you're going to a therapist. How long have you been going to this one? Is s/he your first? Does s/he work specificly with ED's? How often do you go? Have you show these posts to your therapist - does s/he know how far this has gone? If you are not happy with your ongoing therapy I would hope you have options to see another theripist.

It does take time and effort to come out of an ordeal such as this. Know that we are all with you and hoping things work out. Stay strong.
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:38 AM   #3  
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makemethin, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds to me like you're incredibly negative toward yourself, and being very unrealistic about what it takes to lose weight. 700-800 calories a day is SO restrictive, and nowhere near enough food, no wonder you get hungry and sabotage your efforts. Bingeing and purging is a horrible cycle, and you have to believe somewhere within yourself that you deserve better. I think you do!! I'm just so sorry you're suffering. Just know that you're among friends here, and a lot of us can relate. I've wanted to cut off my fat too, the frustration is so intense. But punishing yourself this way is only going to make things worse. I'll bet you're a beautiful intelligent person. I hope soon you see that.
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Old 08-13-2007, 09:00 AM   #4  
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Well, Brianna, first of all, I'm certainly glad that you recognize what's going on as an eating disorder, but I've got to ask...have you seen any pictures of yourself lately? Now I'm scads older than you are, but about ten years ago I got a divorce, took up power walking and cut back on eating to a ridiculous degree, and got down to 135 pounds. Please note that I am your height. I, too, felt heavy and unlovely despite being freaking hit on constantly. Then, a photographer friend of mine stopped by one afternoon when he was just finishing up an assignment....he had some black & white film left over, and since a friend of mine down in Virginia had been hounding me for a recent picture, I had him take a few shots. When he developed them and brought me the finished photos, I thought I would DIE! I not only wasn't FAT, I looked like a concentration camp survivor. My collar bones looked skeletal, and my face looked all drawn and hollowed out. It wasn't even a little bit attractive. I hadn't seen that in the MIRROR at all!
You are my height, weigh much LESS than I weighed at that point, and you see yourself as fat. It's impossible.
What it took for me was seeing that black & white photo. I have since gained a little more than I would have liked, but I gave up yet another vice - smoking - in January, and got a little carried away with food for a while after that. For ME, 150 pounds is really the IDEAL weight.
For you, it may be less, but not MUCH less than 130, because it couldn't be.

I'm not sure why you have such a negative self-image, but I can guess.
I STRONGLY encourage you to continue with your therapist if she is helping, and if not, find a therapist whom you can trust and feel safe with. Also remember one other thing: We have one very important choice to make in our lives. We can choose to let the things that have happened to us in the past ruin our chances for a better future, or we can accept that they happened, that's there's nothing we can do to make them un-happen, but we can keep their influence out of our future if we refuse to carry them along with us.

Take good care, Brianna....

E!
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