UGH. Okay, so, like all of my other posts, this is gonna be another rannnt :X I'm so fed up with myself at the moment. I started binging last night: two chocolate&vanilla puddings, a vanilla shake-drink thing, etc. Today, the binge continued, and I consumed half a piece of pizza, a serving of chocolate/vanilla swirl frozen yougurt, a chicken burrito, rice and beans, Ben&Jerry's Half-Baked frozen yougurt, and 5 oreo cookies. It's utterly disgusting. As my jaw has continued to heal and I've been physically able to actually eat more and more, I've continued to spin out of control. Ever since last Friday, I've continued to overeat everyday...and what's worse, is that I've failed to keep track of my calories. I took a few laxatives (I believe on Monday night?) and finally, I was able to rid myself of Monday's garbage on Tuesday morning...despite the herrendous stomach cramps. And again tonight, I was forced to take a few more laxatives to over-compensate for today's over-abundance of food. I'm worried that I'll continue to eat and eat and eat, and slowly but surely, my weight is gonna creep back up to the 125-129 range and that REALLY freaks me out :X I'm right now hovering between 123-124 and I've still got 13 or so more pounds to lose before school starts back up again. I so desperately wanna be 110. I know, everyone, including my therapist, tells me that's not a healthy weight for my heigth...but right now, I don't care. I can't live being this large anymore. I visited with her yesterday and she told me that I look 'too thin', which to me was hysterical because whenever I look in the mirror the only thing I see is a zoo animal. It's all so frustrating. And last night, I wanted to cut oh-so badly, but thankfully, my mom tucked away this one pair of scissors (which I was planning to use). I assumed that that was a sign from God telling me not to cut myself. I know, pathetic right? I just can't help it. I hate feeling full, and at this very moment, I feel full and it's driving me insane. I didn't eat for one full week (right after my surgery), and finally, I had shrunk my stomach down to a reasonable size-heck, I was rarely hungry and only had about 500 or less calories each day. Now? I eat everything and anything....and usually, it's late at night. I feel so out of control when I do these stupid, irrational things. Thus, the urge to cut is becoming stronger and stronger...and I fear that if I don't quit this behavior, and fast, the urge will be irresistable. How do I curb these late-night cravings? </end rant>
Sorry guys. I always do this, lol.
And yes, I always discuss this with my therapist.
Unfortunately, these feelings are much too strong :/
I'm so sorry I wish I could come hug you in RT.
That said, I'm going to challenge you a bit...
"stupid, irrational things"
No, they're not. Your body is starving. It will take any nourishment you can give it. This is rationality at its most basic, biological level.
"I had shrunk my stomach down to a reasonable size-heck, I was rarely hungry and only had about 500 or less calories each day."
Brianna, it's not "reasonable" to be full on 500 calories a day. That's not enough to sustain your body. If this is the case, your stomach is almost definitely smaller than it should be at this point due to your lack of intake the past couple of weeks.
"...Tonight, I was forced to take a few more laxatives to over-compensate for today's over-abundance of food."
"I've still got 13 or so more pounds to lose before school starts back up again."
"I can't live being this large anymore."
I hear a lot of imperatives in your statements. It sounds like you feel that being at your current weight is unacceptable to you. That's a pretty cruel position to put yourself in..telling yourself, "You aren't OK." And you are OK, you are more than OK. There is more to you than your weight and eating. For one thing, I can tell you're intelligent and well-spoken.
I'm not going to address your comments on your weight directly, because you already have people telling you the truth about your weight. I'd just ask you to question your perception, because it is distorted.
I hope you don't feel nagged or picked on...I only say these things because I've been in a very similar position before. Been underweight, been hospitalized, been through cycles of bingeing and restricting. Believe me, I understand. But I can tell you -- though you may not believe me now -- these patterns will NOT get you where you want to be.
I haven't said all I want to say, but I've got to run for now. I'll be back to see how you are. Take care, darling
Hi Brianna
What Jewcy said resonated... you are hungry!! And because there are taboo's on food, you don't feel like its OK to eat. I was feeling like everything I ate was wrong and I was "bingeing"... then it occured to me that I was actually hungry. Try to listen to your body. Eat something with protein for breakfast, lunch and dinner and you may be able to feel some satisfaction. I have been there too - although I am overweight now, when I was thinner I had alot of self hate and many issues around food. It is so hard - we are bombarded with messages that we are not good enough. I still struggle, so I am not going to over-simplfy this for you (as you are already aware). I found the book "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies" to be helpful. Although I never could "legalize" all foods, I got an understanding of the feminist side of this issue and it helped me go a little easier on myself.
It sounds like you have some good support systems in place. Keep talking to people, turn off the TV and don't buy any magazines Hang in there!!
Thank you guys for the advice and support. It's not a fun place to be, is it? And no, I don't feel the least bit "nagged at" or "picked on", lol. I know deep-down that you guys are right...unfortunately, it's difficult telling your brain that. I'm rather stubborn, and it's like, when I get an idea in my head...it's rather difficult to deviate from that.
I sympathise, for my height I'm aiming for a similar relative weight to you/very similar BMI, and I have been told I look "too thin", like you, I think thats a joke...
I've just gotten back from a family holiday, whilst I was there I started to really feel the effects of 2 different meds I'm taking for epilepsy (well, one "med" is a double-dose of yasmin, but the hormone effect - JESUS! you'd have to see it to be believed!) and I was in a funk over uni and relationship issues, and as a consequence, it was hard to force 3 meals a day down, and I havn't eaten any junk for 6 days or so.
My rather longwinded point is, I believe an ED is a distraction from what is "really bothering" a person, because when I had more pressing (albeit negative) distractions, it vanished. No bingeing, starving, whatever. I'm going to try and build more things into my life (but positive!) to stave it off...what do you think youuse your ED for?
My rather longwinded point is, I believe an ED is a distraction from what is "really bothering" a person, because when I had more pressing (albeit negative) distractions, it vanished. No bingeing, starving, whatever. I'm going to try and build more things into my life (but positive!) to stave it off...what do you think youuse your ED for?
emily
xxx
Very interesting question that.
For me, I've had the ED longer than I've had any other problems. It was there before the rape, before the depression, before the alcoholism. Seems to be one of the first things I can remember.
Goodness, ODAAT. I'm really sorry you've had to deal with all of that. It doesn't sound too pleasant. But for God's sake, hang in there. And congratulations on being sober&binge-free! :]
My rather longwinded point is, I believe an ED is a distraction from what is "really bothering" a person, because when I had more pressing (albeit negative) distractions, it vanished. No bingeing, starving, whatever. I'm going to try and build more things into my life (but positive!) to stave it off...what do you think youuse your ED for?
emily
xxx
Very interesting point.
I had ED's on and off for around four years (anorexia, various types of bulemia - though I never did make myself throw up - that's a dental disaster , ED-NOS - because for awhile I was technically starving but not clinically underweight - though close - and therefore otherwise classified), but I feel my "root" is rather long-winded:
Basically, I associated skinny with love and admiration, whereas food was associated with fat and hatred. As a kid, I was ridiculed immensely by my peers and I was thought to be fat, ugly, and not good enough for... anything. I tried losing weight the healthy way, but the process was too slow. Once I starved myself, the tables turned in every way possible: people started liking me and thinking I was beautiful/hot/pretty. I thought my ED was key to success: it would give me beauty, make everyone love me, admire me, and care about me, as well as give me self control.
hi brianna, I can completely relate to what you are saying. i constantly see really skinny girls at work with almost perfect bodies and that had a real impact on the perception of my own body, even though I'm considered a thin person (i have a BMI of approx 19-20). I realised that I had started bingeing as a way of "punishing" myself when I felt like I had eaten something unhealthy or something that wasn't part of whatever diet I was on. At that point, I would feel like a failure and think that since I broke my diet anyway, why don't I just eat this whole tub of ice cream... I've tried everything under the sun, including not eating for a while to lose weight. and it worked, until it made my bingeing even worse whenever I did feel the urge. so I ended up seeing a dietician who told me that if I didn't eat regular, balanced meals, then I would binge more since when you are starving, it's harder to make rational choices when it comes to food. I followed her advice and it's taken me about 3 months now on a balanced diet (along with some other lifestyle changes), and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting a grip on my problem.
Ok. Time to account for last nights binge: half a rack of ribs, potatoes and mushrooms, 2 biscuits, 4 chocolate chip cookies, an entire bag of mini-cookies, three mini hotpockets, and by the time i got to the chocolate cheesecake it was so sickiningly sweet that i was nauseated after two bites. All within about two hours.
I'm 110 days binge free but I purged last week. I did not eat anything bad but I just purged... it was horrible. I am really afraid that I am slipping back into my restrictive ED. I shrunk to 97 pounds in the past and each and every day I want that back. My calories keep getting lower and I am obsessing over my exercise. Its annoying... I thought I got rid of this and now its back and screaming in my face. SCREAMING at me to stop eating.
Nightengaleshane, I can completely empathize. While I think there is a very deep-rooted center to my whole ED (and I know that there is), I, too, associate thinness with beauty, success and admiration. I always assume that if I were to make myself thin and beautiful, everything else arround me would fall into place and my life would be more pleasant. And in truth, I believe a part of that is true...at least, I know I'd be happier :/
jaay, I'm sorry to hear that you, too, have dealt with the whole binging nonsense. And omg, I know exactly what you mean what you say that once you've cheated on your diet, you throw up the white flag and eat everything in sight. I'm notorious for doing that...I thought I was the only one. I makes me feel more at ease to finally realize that I'm not :> And btw, congratulations on getting a grip on your problem. When I was hospitalized, I saw a nutritionist a few times, and she too, said that my eating unhealthy, unbalanced meals with detrimental to my health and well-being. Still, i've a difficult time getting ahold of myself.
thinnythighs and rockingchair, I'm sorry that you're both feeling the dreadful wrath of the whole binge&purge stuff...I've never been able to force myself to vomit, but I'm definitely no stranger to laxatives. I've been abusing them like mad! Now THAT's pathetic. I hope you both find the strength to counter this problem.
RocknRoll, I'm sorry to hear that your ED is slipping back into your life. But please, please don't allow it! You can do this; fight it to the best of your ability. You've recognized the signs and symptoms, and I know you can do it! It's difficult, I know, but it's not worth a life of unhappiness.
If any of you guys need someone to talk to or rant to (lol), feel free to message me :>
You are not pathetic, at all. You are an intelligent, capable and good person who happens to be suffering from an eating disorder..it makes me very very sad
Ugh. Binge & Purge X[
I wish I could come hug you in RT. 
Hang in there!!
, ED-NOS - because for awhile I was technically starving but not clinically underweight - though close - and therefore otherwise classified), but I feel my "root" is rather long-winded: 
