mixed feelings
Hi to all on the OA forum.
This morning, I realised that I had more abstinent days clocked up than I thought - I was going by the date of my last post and had mis-read it.
So, this was a happy surprise, or so I thought! It’s no big deal, but I’m 29 days abstinent instead of 27.
But I have a great capacity to turn a positive into a negative – so by 9am, I had myself all worked up into a right old head of steam. 29 days means I’m rapidly approaching the time I committed to my first weigh-in, and that scares me. So much so that I could quite easily break out into food, which is why I’m getting it out here.
You see I’ve been following suggestions and letting go my old pattern of jumping up and down off the scales. For 29 days now, my abstinent food plan has been about eating healthy unprocessed food, mostly free from sugar and flour, 3 structured meals and a small snack. I’m not yet using portion control but don’t have 2nd helpings or anything. I feel physically great. My skin and hair look better. I know I needed nourishment after using those awful food replacement diets, and needed to stop punishing my body. I’m feeling the benefits, but dread getting up on a scales to see my weight.
Don’t get me wrong, I am handing it over to my Higher Power – my weight will be sorted if I trust in God. It’s just that I’m afraid that if I see the scales going in the wrong direction, it might trigger me into control mode again.
But as I write I feel calmer. Today is a gorgeous day. I have my food well planned and a hike to look forward to and an essay to write before work this evening. Well, not sure about the essay - as I write that I see I need to manage my expectations!! I'll ask my HP to help me put a mark on the page to begin it - that's the hardest bit!!
The weigh-in is not my problem today – and I’m trying to live one-day-at-a-time.
Really bonding with my OA group here. Because of work, I can only make that one meeting a week, but I volunteered to do service – open the meeting for 3 months – I hope I don’t let them down – because staying abstinent for 3 months feels like forever on some level. But again, it’s a day at a time. I know from AA that service was HUGELY instrumental in helping my recovery.
Wishing you all a good day,
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