I stepped on my scale this morning....something I have not done in a very long time. 250 was the number I saw staring up at me. My god...I just can't believe I've let this happen
I have gained 63 pounds in a year and a half! Day after day..I've been painfully aware of what I am doing to myself, painfully aware of the failure I'm consciously committing. Every single night when I sit and eat my bowl of something salty, AND my something sweet...I'm aware of what is happening...and I just can't..or don't...or WONT STOP. How insane is that????
I've been choosing this nightly binge over self confidence, over activities with my family, over sex, over many things.
I am 5'0". I outweigh my sister by about 165-170 pounds. I'm the weight of a 6'4" football player. I outweigh my beefy 6'0" husband by 55 pounds.
I'm utterly disgusted that I have given food this much power. I'm disgusted with myself...and I'm terrified that I just can't do this all over again. Every failure makes starting over so much harder. And each one of my failures seems to be so complete...I just don't get why I couldn't have stopped this at five or ten pounds...rather than wiping out the entire 40 pounds I'd lost for the second time...and then adding another 20 pounds on top of it!!!!!!
I WANT to start over and change my life forever..I WANT to be healthier when I turn 30 in December than I am now...but it seems like what I WANT..is never enough to stop my night time insanity!!!
I'm so angry at myself, so bitter, so bewildered at my utter failure, and so terrified to try this again...
I am incredibly good at helping others through their difficulties in life, I give great advice that I DO also tell myself...but never follow through. I KNOW that these negative feelings are what is holding me back, and STILL I continue.
I'm feeling like a full blown crackhead...a junkie with good intentions..and no ability to do what needs to be done.
i can tell you that when i got sick and tired of being sick and tired I found a plan that worked. that was 14 months ago. it's very slow going but it's going...
Don't be so hard on yourself, take one step at a time. Mini goals are better then thinking hmmm must lose 100pds start with 10 and go from there.
I know exactly how you feel about the addicition and failure. I am turning 31 in july and had big plans of being about 200pds by the time I turned 31 it's not happening. But I will not give up and YOU don't either.
Take Care Tammy
though i dont know what might work for you, i can tell you what worked for me and you never know it might just hit you too. you just have to get to a point in your life where you just had enough.. and not like "ok this is the day, ill start tomorrow" but more like the moment you break down and, well its hard to explain. i had been telling myself all my life that today is the day and nothing would happen until i was faced with a situation that really hit me rock bottom.. a very person situation and then it just happened.. i started and havent quit so far. regardless of whatever you do i wish you the best of luck.
Take a deep breath, give yourself a moment and then GET GOING!!! You know where your problems lie -- snacks at night, etc. These are where you need to focus your efforts. You've lost weight before, so you know you can do it!! Find something that works, get lots of exercise whenever you can, whatever you need to do to get going -- even if it's only drinking more water, cutting out a snack -- you didn't gain it overnight (even though sometimes it feels that way!!) so it won't come off overnight either. A couple of days of doing well and you will feel better and ready to continue. I find that every time I scout around on here when I want to eat, someone's NSV, mini-goal or thoughts are all I need to get my act together. And, on the many occasions I slip up, I just try to get myself back on track. I have two choices -- to bust my butt and lose this weight or continue to gain because as most of us know, we aren't even going to stay the same -- it's up or down and I would much rather start heading down!! I have weighed more than my skinny little husband for over 10 years now!!! I'm trying to be more self centered when it comes to my weight because I could let everyone around me depress me if I really thought about it.
I was just thinking about you today. I have no words of wisdom, for I am on the bench right next to you. But I can reach over and give you a great big hug!
Linda take that anger, take that disgust and use to your advantage. Get fed up ENOUGH. Get sick and tired ENOUGH. Let it motivate you to make a change. For over 20 years I struggled with the same exact issues that you talk about. I couldn't or more aptly I should say - I wouldn't make the change til I was sick and tired ENOUGH. I didn't care any more about the food, that's not entirely true, but I was ready to give it up. What other choice is there? It's only food. Food. I knew it would be hard. But it just couldn't be as hard as being morbidly obese. I just wanted a normal life. I wanted to stop worrying all the time about my health, about my childrens future and my role in it. I wanted to feel feminine again. I wanted to end the clothing nightmare. I wanted to end the dread that I had about socializing. I wanted to end my inactivity. I wanted to start participating in life instead of watching everyone else do and be. I was missing out on so very much. How unbeleivably sad. I was settling for second best when first was WELL within my reach. I was abusing food and I was abusing myself. How cruel is that? I would never, ever think of harming anyone else, so why in the world was I harming myself? I could go on and on.
Yes, it's tough at times. But it's soooo much easier now then it was in the beginning. And about a kigillion times easier then being morbidly obese. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my new and greatly improved life. I only wish someone would have sat me down and told me just how wonderful this all would be. I swear to you I would have done it sooner. I just wish I could get it across to everyone how very worth it is to give up whatever food it is that you're overeating.
You said that you don't have the ability to do what needs to be done. But you're wrong Linda, you've got the ability. I promise you it's there. Find it. Reach out for it. You've got it. It IS there. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I did.
Last edited by rockinrobin; 06-26-2007 at 03:25 PM.
Oh Linda - I'm sorry you are feeling so down. For me I can't give it too much thought, I just gotta get back to it. Start now, with the next piece of food that enters your mouth. I wouldn't say you "failed" I would say that you stopped focusing on yourself and giving YOU the priority.. Linda you are worth the commitment! You know you can do it, I know you can do it.
The only thing I can add is that to agree with the others. When you find yourself reaching for that nightly snack, plug into 3FC and get a boost of re-commitment.
Also, don't beat yourself up anymore. If you read some of the other threads lately in this forum, you are not alone. Everyone struggles with this and that's why we come back here over and over. Start posting more and more. Feel free to whine and cry, but then get back up and take that first step. Go for one day at a time for now. (that's all I can do at this point, so that's what I have to do for me)
Hang in there! You're worth it, you need to take care of yourself.
Linda, I think most of us can relate to where you are right now and it's not an easy place to be. I think it's much harder to lose after you've already lost and gained than to do it without ever having tried before.
Last year I worked with a holistic health counselor for 6 months and that really got me going on the path I'm on right now. What's interesting is while I was with her I didn't lose any and I was still binging like crazy, but she taught me two valuable lessons that are helping me now.
The first was the idea of primary and secondary foods. It' so much harder to lose weight if you haven't figured out why you're binging in the first place? I don't want to get all Oprah guru on you, but it's really not about the food. So the primary foods are relationships, career, friendships/family, spirituality,etc...The secondary foods are the actual fruits and veggies kind of stuff. The second was consistency. No matter how bad my eating was or if I didn't exercise, I saw her twice a month for six months and never missed a session because deep down I cared about what was happening to me and my body. That consistency is now helping me get up every morning and workout and eat clean even when I don't feel like it. It's really about building blocks. Once you get that foundation in place you'll be able to build from there.
Good Luck.
Hiya Linda-
Well-I think you just took a massive step forward! Sometimes getting pissed at ourself is the only way to change things around. Maybe a new approach to weight loss might help. I went out and spent a wad of cash on new clothes for my goal (sizes 6-10). Now if I were to mess up, I'd have all of these clothes that I can't wear and out lots of money-that's a bad thing.
We're here to help!!
Best wishes and luck to you,
-Jan
I don't know what to say to make it click for you. God knows -- if I did, I'd bottle it and sell it. I wish I knew what did it for me this time. I weighed 275 pounds, much more than anyone I knew. Over 100 pounds more than my husband. I STILL weigh more than my husband, but I'm closer now! Anyway, I wish I knew what to say that would make you do it once and for all, but none of us knows that. You KNOW what to do, and you know you CAN do it. It really is a choice. But it's a choice you have to make EVERY day, over and over again.
You said you'll be turning 30 soon. When I turned 30, I had just lost 50 pounds and weighed about 220. I was on my way down. I ended up turning right around after my birthday and gaining that back plus a few. Four years later I tried again and I got it right. Imagine how many more moments of happiness I could've had if I'd stuck with it back then. I'm 35 now and I'm starting to enjoy my life for the first time. Don't wait another second. Don't get to 34 and STILL have this over your head like I did. Not that it's that much older, but you know what I mean. The time to do it is NOW, and we're all behind you.
I got upset with my doc, last time I blew it and gained 7 pounds-thought I'd never get back! Took a couple of months to get that WONDERFUL RESOLVE back.
I found the Glicemic Index foods that I can live with. I cheat less and get out of the kitchen when I find myself opening that fridge door. I go to my bedroom, turn on tv, have my coffee, prop my feet on the bed(so my ankles don't swell)pick up a good book and read, patch clothes. Somtimes if I want to work on my manuscript, and my BF is watching tv in the livingroom, I sit in there with him, so there is a closness we can share. I can dig out my crochet and embroidering if I wish (keeps both hands busy). I come up to my office to get quiet time-at least till the cat finds me.
If it's not too hot, I work in the yard -pulling weeds around the house, hoeing some in the garden. BF and son do most of garden work. I have plenty of inside work to do. Have to have a TALK with myself sometimes; but, slowly losing.
We have faith in you!
Most of us have been/are currently where you are! It takes a lot of courage to admit that you're struggling, and I want to give you a big
I did the same thing... the sitting down nightly and choosing food over everything else. What's worked for me is to get directly from the dinner table to the gym (well, I'll go sit in the other room for a bit, relax, and digest). Dinner used to spiral into 12 snacks and desserts and moping around watching television and feeling like a failure. Exercising at night has helped with a lot of that- boredom, shaking off stress from the day, establishing a routine, etc. Even if you just go for a little walk after dinner I think it'll help you feel better.
Linda, you've done it before and you can do it again! We all know you can do it. Also, it's so easy to think of your weight in relation to others (your sister, your husband, etc). This does NOTHING but discourage. Try to turn those thoughts off before they begin. Easier said than done, I know. But negative thinking doesn't help at all!
Aww Linda I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I've been there over and over and it's a horrible horrible place to be. I finally had to tell myself that enough was enough and gave myself permission to let myself go. (I would do the same thing as you and binge in the evenings.) As soon as I told myself I wasn't going to worry about what I ate anymore or worry about exercising, the nighttime binging stopped. That lasted about two weeks and then I was ready to take charge of myself and work on getting myself healthy. Like the others have said, this is something that has to come from inside you. I know it helps me to come here and read about all the good that's happening and sometimes helps me to stay motivated.
You can't give up. Don't look back at what all you've done. Why not instead of focusing on your future and how you want to be in your future? Life is going to happen whether you are 250 pounds or 150 pounds. You have done this before and you can do this again. You may not follow the same path this time around but as long as you find you a path to take, you'll be heading in the right direction.
250....what have I done????
You can do it!
with my doc, last time I blew it
and gained 7 pounds
-thought I'd never get back! Took a couple of months to get that WONDERFUL RESOLVE back.
prop my feet on the bed(so my ankles don't swell)
pick up a good book and read,
patch clothes. Somtimes if I want to work on my manuscript,
and my BF is watching tv in the livingroom, I sit in there with him, so there is a closness we can share.
I can dig out my crochet and embroidering if I wish (keeps both hands busy). I come up to my office to get quiet time-at least till the cat finds me. 
I work in the yard -pulling weeds around the house, hoeing some in the garden. BF and son do most of garden work. I have plenty of inside work to do. Have to have a TALK
with myself sometimes; but, slowly losing. 
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I've been there over and over and it's a horrible horrible place to be. I finally had to tell myself that enough was enough and gave myself permission to let myself go. (I would do the same thing as you and binge in the evenings.) As soon as I told myself I wasn't going to worry about what I ate anymore or worry about exercising, the nighttime binging stopped. That lasted about two weeks and then I was ready to take charge of myself and work on getting myself healthy. Like the others have said, this is something that has to come from inside you. I know it helps me to come here and read about all the good that's happening and sometimes helps me to stay motivated.