frustrated with food
ok.. I dont believe that I am one who over eats. Maybe sometimes I do, but I dont binge out like I used to, its been years and I dont ever think about binging anymore. However, food consumes me.. I always think about food, I look forward to time to eat, I have started counting my calories as a way to lose the last 15lbs, and its funny because I *plan* my days and then sometimes when I am eatting something that I have *planned* I kind of panic for a second or two before I remind myself that its ok, I have this in my plan. I am afraid of food, I feel anxiety when there are foods like cookies, cakes, doughnuts around me. Its not all the time, but sometimes I feel this way. When I see food I quickly calculate the calories in my head, its like everything edible is wearing a number. All I want is a healthy relationship with food, I dont want to have any emotion towards food.. I hate having to think about food all the time. I have to though because if I dont, I will never lose this weight, and if I think about it too much I panic about the calories I have consumed or want to consume. I am CONSUMED with my body, with what I eat and the gym. If I dont work out at least 6 days a week I freak out inside.. god I hate this. I just wanted to vent about it really.. not like you can just bust out with something like this any ol' place and expect people to not think you are mental. I just want to find a happy medium. I dont want to fall back into "spitting" or exercising to get "rid" of the cookies I had.. but sometimes, I say why the **** not, sometimes at least that would make me feel at peace. Im so tired of being torn between my body image and food. Damn it.
|
