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Old 11-03-2003, 08:54 PM   #31  
Canadian, eh?
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Talking Sports Comments...

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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Old 11-04-2003, 07:18 AM   #32  
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heh heh heh. Thanks, Merrylegs.
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Old 11-04-2003, 07:52 AM   #33  
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Old 11-04-2003, 02:43 PM   #34  
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Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7
fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs
in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in
field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy
who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ***
and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
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Old 11-04-2003, 05:33 PM   #35  
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> HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE:
> Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
> drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
> instant "fix-me-up."
>
> Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
> damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and
> you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
> **************************
> Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
> your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
>
> Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
> might still have the headache, but who cares?
> ***************************
> Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
> prevent ice cream drips.
>
> Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
> Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
> eating it anyway.
> ***************************
> Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
> the potatoes.
>
> Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
> up to a year.
> ****************************
> Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
>bit
> of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
> inside of the cake.
>
> Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
> ***************************
>Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
> yield a beautiful glossy finish.
>
> Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
> whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
> ***************************
>Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
> gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
>
> Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
> ***************************
> Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
> for future use in casseroles and sauces.
>
> Real Women - Leftover wine??
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Old 11-04-2003, 07:00 PM   #36  
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-05-2003, 04:47 PM   #37  
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Good ones, Jessica.
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Old 11-06-2003, 10:23 PM   #38  
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Default Out of the Mouths of Babes

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:

"Red...................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green............... lime",
"Orange.............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey-flavored Lifesavers. After eating them, a few moments passed and none of the children could identify the taste. "Well", he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mommy may sometimes call your daddy."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Spit them out, everybody..... they're a$$holes!!!"
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Old 11-07-2003, 07:39 AM   #39  
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Old 11-07-2003, 12:59 PM   #40  
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Ruthxxx..........you made my day with that one!!! Too, TOO funny!!
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Old 11-08-2003, 09:29 AM   #41  
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lol jessica and sflake very funny!!!!!!!
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Old 11-12-2003, 01:16 AM   #42  
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It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella"
Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case
inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits
in the United States. Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit
implicating McDonald's, the teens who allege that eating at
McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting
was closed. This suit will top the 2003 list without question.
Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas,was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get
the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and
a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced
yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog
might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams
who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor
because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.

2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in
the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was
awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:
This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having
driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a
cup of coffee.
Not surprisingly, the R. V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's
manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him
$1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their
manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other
complete morons buying recreation vehicles.
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Old 01-07-2004, 08:03 PM   #43  
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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The one with the Chihuahua said,"We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don'tunderstand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f#%&*#@ Chihuahua?!"
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Old 01-07-2004, 08:26 PM   #44  
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Old 01-07-2004, 08:37 PM   #45  
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