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Old 09-18-2003, 11:03 AM   #76  
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THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story
of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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Old 09-18-2003, 01:08 PM   #77  
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Thanks Ruth, I just spit water all over my monitor
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Old 09-18-2003, 01:10 PM   #78  
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That was hilarious!
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Old 09-18-2003, 10:24 PM   #79  
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Good one Ruth!!


This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

A lone hitchhiker was on the side of a lonely country road, trying to hitch a ride on a very dark night in the middle of a driving rainstorm. The night passed slowly as only a few cars went by. The storm was so fierce that he could hardly see ten feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reactively, the guy jumped into the car, closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he'd plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a ghostly hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched that same hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits, leaped from the car, and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. The bar fell silent when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About a half an hour later, Ole and Lena walked into the same bar.

Ole said to Lena," Look, Lena, dat's da guy who yumped in and rode in our car ven ve vas pushin' it in da rain!"
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Old 09-18-2003, 10:33 PM   #80  
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Thank you, girls.
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Old 09-18-2003, 11:59 PM   #81  
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GOOD ONES!!!!!
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Old 09-19-2003, 12:24 PM   #82  
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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun
rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just
laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the
chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.


The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the
boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy
walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35
ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks
like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"
"It's a kitty willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
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Old 09-19-2003, 03:03 PM   #83  
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I always did like cat stories! ROPFLOLPIMP!
My Dad would have loved that one.
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Old 09-19-2003, 07:30 PM   #84  
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-19-2003, 07:56 PM   #85  
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A good friend sent this to me and I thought i would share it with you.... Robin

Random Thoughts

1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"
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Old 09-20-2003, 02:20 PM   #86  
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Good ones Mauvais & Silverdove
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Old 09-21-2003, 08:17 AM   #87  
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I love this thread!!


A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the next few years, the woman regularly tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After ten years, she returned to the surgeon with two problems:

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn The Knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and The Knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
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Old 09-21-2003, 08:22 AM   #88  
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I love it. My Dad told me a version of that joke many years ago except it was for a guy who had his skin tightened. The punch line was "And look at my jazzy necktie". LMAO!
I love starting the day with a giggle.
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Old 09-21-2003, 08:35 AM   #89  
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HAHAHA!! The guy version is hilarious!!!
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Old 10-16-2003, 08:39 PM   #90  
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My husband is not happy with my mood swings.

The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*#king red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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