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Old 06-17-2003, 06:57 AM   #16  
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A man is driving down a road... Driving along, tra-li-lah...

A woman is driving down the road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG."

The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "*****!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

If only men would listen.
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Old 06-17-2003, 07:02 PM   #17  
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Good one Ellis!
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Old 06-17-2003, 11:14 PM   #18  
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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Old 06-20-2003, 07:29 PM   #19  
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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Old 06-20-2003, 07:31 PM   #20  
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this actually reminded me of another one, that actually happened... a girl at work got this jerk on the phone who made some nasty comment about her p**sy - and she quickly replied "Actually, sir, I don't have a cat."

It was great. I love it when you can put jackasses in their place.
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Old 06-20-2003, 07:44 PM   #21  
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I LOVE the turkey one. Thanks, Lizzi!
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Old 06-20-2003, 09:35 PM   #22  
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TOO FUNNY!!!!!!
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Old 06-21-2003, 09:15 PM   #23  
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious Cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid
of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away
whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming
alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his
luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back
into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve
a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the
reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's
at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and
end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he
opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the
door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me
again.

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy
and I'll not be tricked. "

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed."...(wait for it) . . .


...."I've found Cod.
I'm a prawn again Christian".
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Old 06-22-2003, 12:45 AM   #24  
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....i don't know whether to laugh or cry.....

GOOD ONE!!!
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Old 06-22-2003, 06:09 PM   #25  
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The Cowboy and a Rattlesnake

It was spring in the Old West. The cowboys rode the still snow -
choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared , and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, " Don't shoot . I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable . Then I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
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Old 06-22-2003, 11:56 PM   #26  
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Too funny, Ellis...here's one:


For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Children
(honest & no kidding)

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
4-year-old.

11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy **** - a talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 MINUTES.

25. Grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your children.
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Old 06-23-2003, 06:03 AM   #27  
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oh ow. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
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Old 06-23-2003, 06:17 AM   #28  
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I can attest to a few of those, Merrylegs.
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Old 06-23-2003, 11:59 PM   #29  
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DITTO!!!!
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Old 06-24-2003, 09:56 AM   #30  
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Default Bubba - from my pal Rob (not a good ole boy)

Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange as he was pretty sure of the body's identity.

Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two *******s."
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