2, yes 2 'failed' gastric bypasses. how to heal thyself?
 

this is my first foray into forums. confronting the good ol' fear of the unknown!
im 38, single, drink black tea, an artisan with a business that caters to the arts, and have 5 cats.
i've been in therapy for a year- and have learned many things, but my greatest art is probably self sabotage, and preventing my own happiness.
i have never 'fit in' and started gaining weight around the 3rd grade. i went to weight loss camps after the 5th grade and after the 8th. i've done weight watchers, jenny, atkins, lap band in 2006, and conversion to gastric bypass in 2010, which almost killed me. i was in a coma for 2 months. i was disappointed that it didnt kill me, and most of the time, am still disappointed that it didn't.
And here's the kicker- i have parents who are still together and love each other, and, who love me. i have an inner circle of friends who love me. and, AND, even an outer circle of friends who value me. but i don't value me because once again, i am fat, (maybe 240 but im afraid to weigh myself) and ugly, and it just doesn't register in my bone marrow that i can be loved. (due to 'society' or the media...it really doesn't matter.)
there is an immense part of me that wants to wear black and white stripes with orange and blue paisleys, and have the attitude to pull it off, but mostly i don't leave the house, even to retrieve the garbage can.
i want...need... the confirmation that i am not the only one out there with this struggle to smash the walls of meticulously constructed blocks of blindness to hinder bliss...to protect against the foreign universe of internal happiness. i know i stick to a dire existence because that is what i know.
but here, for the first time, i am braving the unknown.

Believe it or not, even at a smaller weight you can feel unlovable. I thought hitting the 130's would make a huge difference and while it has pushed me to reach the 120's harder, I still feel bad sometimes. But what I remember about being heavier is how I felt totally ugly, not worth any sort of nice clothes, and yet I could acknowledge that a larger woman, larger than myself, who was better dressed and wore a smile on her face was more attractive than myself. It was their confidence, sense of style, and smile that really made them outshine me easily. So I often asked myself, "Why does she look so good in those clothes while I think I don't?"

We are our own harshest critics. Always will be.

Do you count your calories to see what you are actually intaking? How healthy would you say your immediate family is?

It is not just you. I have been fat all my conscious life. At my highest I was 313. I can't tell you I had a fantastically happy family life, but my mother and most of the rest of my family love / loves me. But I sure didn't love me. I spent a lot of time thinking that the weight was the problem. I dieted intermittently, but with no lasting success, and for quite a few years, I just gave up.

When I woke up one day at 313, I just couldn't stand it, or me, any more and I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist who was a weight-loss specialist. It took several sessions, but she eventually convinced me that the weight was a problem for my health and my quality of life, but it was really a symptom of a bigger problem. I have been working on dealing with the things that make me want to eat, and learning (slowly) how to deal with my life without eating for safety / comfort.

We worked a lot on doing nice (non-food) things for myself, 'just because.' And we also worked a lot on re-thinking my attitude towards fat vs. my attitude towards me. I am slowly beginning to realize that my worth is not based on my fat (or lack thereof). I still don't like the fat, because it keeps me from doing the things I like to do and it is a health risk that won't make things better as I get older.

But as I have started this new weight loss journey, I think I am finally doing it for the right reasons, and I will be more likely to succeed because of that. I am not losing weight to make myself 'acceptable' or 'ok' or 'normal'. If other people don't like my being fat, they can go take a flying leap off a high cliff, because it is none of their business. They certainly have no right to judge me.

I am not doing this so I can finally be a 'good' person, I am doing this because I am a good person no matter what I weigh, but I deserve better than this! I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, to be able to hike, and bike, and swim and explore, and do all the other things I want to do, to wear clothes that I like, rather than whatever covers best, and because I deserve to be around to share my life with my family and friends and animals.

I can't tell you that I don't fall back into the old thought patterns, because I do. But I can usually catch myself, eventually, and remind myself of everything I have learned. I think that is making it a little easier for me not to give in to the self-loathing, which usually translated into eating junk because I was emotionally hurting and didn't know what else to do.

Its not just you :hug:
by posting here you took the first and hardest step towards changing your life - alot of good people are here to help you and offer you support :)

I have empathy for you feeling badly, I have been there. I am glad you are here. I hope you stay.

I am in therapy too. May I suggest that if after a year in therapy you feel no better you may need a new therapist. May not be a good fit. Something to consider.

I met several people who had failed lap bands ot gastric bypass surgery. Some are in therapy too because in their case they did not heal emotional wounds. Even people with physically successful bypass/lap gain weight because we are fat due to emotional wounds not simply eating too much. Even people I met who had the surgery and stay slim are addicted in another way, obsessing about food constantly. Again the addiction was never dealt with.

I wish you well.

:hug: OH SWEETIE ~ there are many people who can understand your disappointment -- you tried so many things; you worked so hard; you risked so much; you went through so much, only to be discouraged by re-gain. Hey, I have been through that heartbreak too, but I kept going and researching to find out what was missed.

I agree with PEAR about this; and that if your therapist is unable to help you after such a long time, it's a bad fit; and it's time to look for a better one. This site is a great place for added support too, becuz we have been through the same experiences and feelings.

Don't ever wish that you didn't make it -- we are grateful for life and that you are here with us; it was your destiny to find us. Let us help you. I started a thread in the Faith Forum that may help you called, "EMOTIONAL EATING: HOW TO HEAL". Doesn't matter your beliefs -- the point of it is understanding just how much our emotions contribute to our over-eating issues, and what we can do about them. EDIT2ADD: be sure to read the whole thread as there are more posts with lots of practical solutions as it goes along. Here's a link to the thread ... http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/fait...-how-heal.html

I am convinced it is the most important thing that contributed to my weight issues, yet it is the one that is most often missed or not dealt with in therapy sessions. It's like learning to ride a bike or play the piano; learning how to manage our emotions without food, takes time and practice to perfect. Life is always throwing stresses our way -- so we have to develop new strategies to deal with them.

Emotional hurts and wounds need healing; and that takes understanding and time too, but you can find your way. Many of us have. Are we perfect? Not by any means, and when I'm really stressed, I still slip a bit -- BUT I am way better than I was before, for sure (90% isn't so bad). ;)

Keep coming back here for support; that is so very important too! :hug:

Your post broke my heart...

You are worthy of love, and no number on a scale can dictate your style and worth.

I weigh 311.. (at least till weigh in on friday)... and I wish i could put into words or explain confidence and how to find it. In my younger days (and at the weight i am now) I performed with a drag group as a gogo girl (think drag queen that is biologically a female NOT A STRIPPER)... I know i got critisim and not everyone accepted my place on that stage. But i did it for girls like you... I wanted to send that message that size and beauty are not dependant on one another. That at a size 24 i was just as sexy and worthy as the size 6 performers... I routinely banked more money than them during my numbers. I would pick songs that would scream of confidence rather than sexuality... and because of that, because of the message i was sending i developed a following- girls that wanted that confidence and learned from my example.. LOL i still get recognized and i havent performed for 3 years...

I wish you could have been there, i wish i could show you how to love yourself... Because you are one of a kind, and amazing and worth so much more than you give yourself...

droll n quirky, it seems to me, that you are very successful in life. Is being heavy the only thing you don't like about yourself? Is it because you're afraid you'll stay single?

Finding the forum was a great step it helped me A LOT, mainly because I saw how many women go through the same struggles as I do and how many succeeded! Maybe it would help you, if you found some friends that have problems with weight first online and then your home town. Watching The Biggest Loser also helped with my motivation.
This time is different, because you’re not alone!

Don't put yourself down, if you had 2 failed surgeries! In any weight loss program, chances are, you won't be able to keep your weight down – that's why you have to try again and again and some day you'll win the battle!

P.S.: I admire your confidence, NikonGirl30! I would give you lots of tips, if I saw you perform! :)

Note that this is an old thread. The original poster has not been back here since she posted in March 2013.