3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

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neon_zephyr 01-20-2012 06:16 PM

Starting over, again. Maybe this time it will stick!
 
I've been up and down with my weight for a long time. Goes back to some trauma issues I've got that I buried a little too deeply for my own good. Being big makes me feel like I've got presence and the fat feels like armor. Also, I can hide behind it and use it as an excuse to hide from life. Ridiculous, isn't it? I don't like this anymore, so I'm hoping to change it.

I've been on this forum for a while, but I veered away because life stuff got in the way. I'm a grad student, hoping to complete and defend my dissertation this semester. My husband (love of my life) cheated on me and we are now separated; he often cited my weight as a problem for him and justified his mistreatment of me and his cheating by saying that I deserved it for being fat. There are a lot of things I don't like about myself, but I accept most of them. The main one I don't accept is my weight and I've been wanting to get in shape for some time. So, instead of obsessing about my failing relationship, and worrying about failing out of grad school because I'm depressed, and eating to avoid dealing with my emotions, I'm trying to be honest and make a real effort.

I managed to lose about 28 pounds. Then, I gained 10 back because I fell into my old bad habits of eating candy and pasta to numb my emotions. I realized that I have to confront both demons at the same time or I won't succeed -- both my weight problem and my poor strategies at coping with depression need to be dealt with, like now. So....here I am, again.

I spend most of my time between Los Angeles and Houston. I'm hoping to chart my progress in this thread. I hope that's the best way to stay involved. Or, is it better to start new threads each time? Or, should we be doing that in a journal instead of a thread?

Anyway, hello again everyone! I'm starting at 176 today. I turn 34 tomorrow. My first mini-goal is to get to 166. :)

neon_zephyr 01-20-2012 06:39 PM

Things I'm trying at the moment
 
I'm sort of tip-toeing around my fitness campaign to make sure I'm strong enough and able to sustain some discipline. I've been an emotional wreck and failing at this would really mess me up, so I'm taking small risks, a little at a time. Not sure if this is a good idea, but, that's where I'm starting because it's what I can manage.

I'm walking every day, 45 minutes or more. Once I sort out some bureaucratic stuff in the next week, I'll be going to the gym 2 times a week to start, slowly moving up to 3 and then 4 times.

I've stopped putting sugar in my coffee and tea and reduced intake of caffeine from 6 cups to 2 cups in a day.

I'm trying to eat breakfast every day, just something small like wheat toast and by next week, I'll start adding eggs. I'm usually bad at this and eat one large meal late at night rather than spacing things out.

I'm tapering off of the bad snacks like candy. I eat candy or chips when I'm feeling sad. Lately, I've had lots of reasons for being sad. So, I'm trying to cut out this habit by being aware of what I'm consuming and tracking how often I'm able to resist my sugar addiction.

I'm taking phentermine as a diet aid. It helped my sister and it's helped me in the past, so I'm taking the risk and doing it.

And, I'm trying to limit the carbs I take in during a day and increase protein. I love salads and am having those for lunch, when I can be disciplined enough to eat lunch, and will add lean chicken or turkey once I manage to find a grocery store (moved in to a new place, no car atm, haven't found a grocer yet, so I've been buying lean cuisine from the corner market for 2 meals a day while I settle in).

I know this isn't an aggressive approach, but I'm hoping to take small steps so that I can keep up the change and stay committed. Advice or comments?

damiilya 01-20-2012 06:47 PM

I'm sorry to hear that your husband cheated on you. By seeing here what he told you, I think he's an a-hole, sorry about that! And you've made the right decision about making a real effort, instead of worrying. I know you can do it! I wish you the best luck!
And I will follow your progress for sure, I think writing about your progress in this same thread is fine, though it's your choice (:

neon_zephyr 01-20-2012 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by damiilya (Post 4181468)
I'm sorry to hear that your husband cheated on you. By seeing here what he told you, I think he's an a-hole, sorry about that! And you've made the right decision about making a real effort, instead of worrying. I know you can do it! I wish you the best luck!
And I will follow your progress for sure, I think writing about your progress in this same thread is fine, though it's your choice (:

Thanks, damiilya. I agree that he acted like a jerk. I kind of fell apart after that and had a sort of a breakdown, but, now I'm trying to find my strength again. And, I've realized that my weight is actually a problem for me, too. If it wasn't a sticking point for me, it wouldn't have bothered me when he used it to defend himself. So, I'm trying to be someone I can be proud of being and hoping to strengthen myself regardless of what he thinks or whether or not we can fix our problems. I'm glad to be doing this for me, instead of feeling like I'm doing it to try to earn his good graces.

free1 01-20-2012 08:22 PM

WELCOME...You are stronger than you know (I can tell from what you've survived)!!!! Cheering you on to goal :)

fat 2 fabulous 01-20-2012 10:06 PM

Welcome back!....I know this must be a difficult time for you right now and you'll have some lows but remember you will not always feel the pain you're going through right now. Eventually... it will pass and only make you a stronger woman. If your husband blames you for cheating and mistreating you because of your weight then it sounds like you're better off without him.

fat 2 fabulous 01-20-2012 10:08 PM

:bday2you:

guynna 01-21-2012 11:00 AM

Happy birthday, NeonZ! It's a new year and a good time for you to LOVE YOURSELF and take care of you.

I'm an academic too, and I identified with the dissertation/deskbound/need to exercise recounted in your blog (although the diss was a while back for me). Your small steps sound really reasonable; are you also talking to a therapist about depression issues? (There is a forum on 3FC, as you probably know, for Chicks dealing w/depression.) The whole food/comfort/love thing can be overwhelming. Fortunately, on here we have each other : )

damiilya 01-22-2012 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neon_zephyr (Post 4181486)
Thanks, damiilya. I agree that he acted like a jerk. I kind of fell apart after that and had a sort of a breakdown, but, now I'm trying to find my strength again. And, I've realized that my weight is actually a problem for me, too. If it wasn't a sticking point for me, it wouldn't have bothered me when he used it to defend himself. So, I'm trying to be someone I can be proud of being and hoping to strengthen myself regardless of what he thinks or whether or not we can fix our problems. I'm glad to be doing this for me, instead of feeling like I'm doing it to try to earn his good graces.

You're totally right! No matter what he thinks, you do what you find right for yourself to do.

neon_zephyr 01-24-2012 11:56 PM

free1 -- Thank you. I fell apart for a while, but I'm trying to get back on my feet. Not sure what will happen with my ruined marriage, but I'm trying not to give in to the bad habits that got me feeling so low in the first place. I've been trying pretty actively to project strength in the hopes that it will actually manifest itself. :)

fat 2 fabulous -- Thank you. It is true that our difficulties and struggles can help strengthen us if we learn from them. I hope to do that!

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone!

guynna -- Good to see a fellow academic. :) I hope I can get through the diss. and defense in one piece and shed some pounds while I'm at it. I'm hoping that the small steps will help me gain discipline and that the discipline will prevent me from comfort eating. I've been talking to a therapist (after things fell apart, I needed one), and so I'm slowly working through the many issues that have led me to this point, I hope. I tried out the depression forum, too, but it didn't stick; maybe I'll try it out again. It is definitely nice to find support and community on here. I didn't really feel connected to forums until I started frequenting one for spouses who had been betrayed; I feel like I have a better understanding of how to participate in a forum both as a supporter and as a person in need of support now. It made me want to come back to 3FC because I've always liked reading people's posts here. What's your field?

damiilya -- Thanks for the supportive words!

neon_zephyr 01-24-2012 11:58 PM

So, on my birthday, I cheated on my diet. I ate deep dish pizza, sat by the fireplace, and read a novel. However, I also made time to walk two miles, carrying groceries for half of that distance. I made sure to buy fresh produce and fruit, not a bunco of frozen things. And, the next day, I walked four miles, just to get a little exercise in.
I also indulged in some birthday chocolate (my roommates gave me Belgian Chocolates and I as feeling blue enough to want the serotonin boost), but I did not buy or eat any cake. So, I'm building some awareness at least and recognizing when I'm doing something deviant. That's the first step toward breaking the habits, I hope. I hope I'm starting this 34th year out a little better by compensating for the poor choices that I recognize.

Life's been up and down for me the past few days. Some days, I feel okay and able to accept the obstacles in my path and other days I feel defeated and like I want to give up. I tried blocking out my feelings to stay positive and motivated, but that makes me want sugary things like lattes and cookies, or it makes me restless and unable to sleep properly. I avoided the urge to sweeten my coffee, thankfully. But, I couldn't sleep much last night. I'm thinking that learning dietary discipline will largely be about managing my stress and emotions. So I guess I'm writing a little about both, here.

Today was a good day for writing; I got a few notes for my revision done, talked to the editor of a press about my forthcoming book, and started a collaboration with a classical musical composer for a public performance later this semester. It was also a sad personal day because I miss my EH (estranged husband) and wanted to tell him about the good news and couldn't. However, tonight, I'm going to go get a foot massage tonight to relieve my stress and have a lean pocket for a small late dinner, instead of anything heavy enough to make me sleep.

I got some paperwork sorted out so I should be able to start going to the gym again on Thursday. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm aiming for just an hour on the elliptical to see how well I handle it.

damiilya 01-25-2012 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neon_zephyr (Post 4187233)
So, on my birthday, I cheated on my diet. I ate deep dish pizza, sat by the fireplace, and read a novel. However, I also made time to walk two miles, carrying groceries for half of that distance. I made sure to buy fresh produce and fruit, not a bunco of frozen things. And, the next day, I walked four miles, just to get a little exercise in.
I also indulged in some birthday chocolate (my roommates gave me Belgian Chocolates and I as feeling blue enough to want the serotonin boost), but I did not buy or eat any cake. So, I'm building some awareness at least and recognizing when I'm doing something deviant. That's the first step toward breaking the habits, I hope. I hope I'm starting this 34th year out a little better by compensating for the poor choices that I recognize.

Life's been up and down for me the past few days. Some days, I feel okay and able to accept the obstacles in my path and other days I feel defeated and like I want to give up. I tried blocking out my feelings to stay positive and motivated, but that makes me want sugary things like lattes and cookies, or it makes me restless and unable to sleep properly. I avoided the urge to sweeten my coffee, thankfully. But, I couldn't sleep much last night. I'm thinking that learning dietary discipline will largely be about managing my stress and emotions. So I guess I'm writing a little about both, here.

Today was a good day for writing; I got a few notes for my revision done, talked to the editor of a press about my forthcoming book, and started a collaboration with a classical musical composer for a public performance later this semester. It was also a sad personal day because I miss my EH (estranged husband) and wanted to tell him about the good news and couldn't. However, tonight, I'm going to go get a foot massage tonight to relieve my stress and have a lean pocket for a small late dinner, instead of anything heavy enough to make me sleep.

I got some paperwork sorted out so I should be able to start going to the gym again on Thursday. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm aiming for just an hour on the elliptical to see how well I handle it.

It's okay to cheat, especially because it was your birthday! I actually 'cheat' everyday, haha. I eat whatever I want, in moderation. And it's good that you also spend some time to walk as well!

I have the same problem, actually (and I think a lot of other people too), about staying positive on the diet/lifestyle change. Because sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don't really see a lot of change (I do feel it in the clothes though) and get really upset and think: why am I even doing that? It won't help anyway. But I'm totally wrong and I know that, so even if I'm very grumpy about that, I still control myself because I know that later I'll be proud about the fact that I controlled my cravings and so.

And what kind of book are you writing? Is it like a fiction book or something??

neon_zephyr 01-25-2012 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by damiilya (Post 4188202)
It's okay to cheat, especially because it was your birthday! ...

I eat whatever I want, in moderation. ...

Because sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don't really see a lot of change...

...I know that later I'll be proud about the fact that I controlled my cravings and so.

And what kind of book are you writing?

I agree that it's okay to cheat sometimes in the diet, especially because otherwise, when things get too strict, a lifestyle change feels less possible because we focus on deprivation instead of on the reality of self-awareness of the body and how we shape it. I don't feel terrible about it, but, admitting my choices helps me to be honest with myself about them. :)

I also get frustrated when I don't *see* the change. And, yet, being in control is good reward on its own; I agree with you there, too! Moderation is a learned mechanism, I think, and has different positive feelings associated with it from what binging provides with its immediate gratification and lingering guilt. Moderation and control seem to be crucial things in managing weight and stress, I think....

I threw out about 1/3 of my wardrobe because it was too big. :) I'll do it again later when I get to the next weight platform, I hope. Getting to wear smaller clothes has felt like a reward and an incentive at once. Sometimes, we can feel in our clothes what we don't recognize in our images.

I do write fiction and essays, but I am primarily a poet and the project I referred to is actually poetry. :)

guynna 01-25-2012 08:16 PM

hi NeonZ -- it sounds like you did really well on your birthday; good for you! I envy that "walked a few miles," as I am struggling to heal inflammation in *both* Achilles tendons right now -- urgghhhh!

I'm in rhet/comp and also write creative nonfiction. Is your diss a collection of poetry? I'd love to see some of your work.

I've lost about 25 pounds and can feel it in my clothes, but it's such a looooong process that sometimes you (I!) begin to think "why am I doing this again??!"

Hang in there, west coast girl. You can do it. : ) (And, academic life will be healthier in the long run if you establish those good habits now --- you'll be spending a lot of time at a desk!!!)

neon_zephyr 01-26-2012 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guynna (Post 4188884)
hi NeonZ -- it sounds like you did really well on your birthday; good for you! I envy that "walked a few miles," as I am struggling to heal inflammation in *both* Achilles tendons right now -- urgghhhh!

I'm in rhet/comp and also write creative nonfiction. Is your diss a collection of poetry? I'd love to see some of your work.

I've lost about 25 pounds and can feel it in my clothes, but it's such a looooong process that sometimes you (I!) begin to think "why am I doing this again??!"

Hang in there, west coast girl. You can do it. : ) (And, academic life will be healthier in the long run if you establish those good habits now --- you'll be spending a lot of time at a desk!!!)

guynna -- How did you end up with inflammation of the Achilles Tendon? It sounds unpleasant and I hope you feel better soon! In the meantime, it's probably a good thing that you're resting your legs to recover! :)

25lb is a great weight loss. I know what you mean that sometimes, it feels like it will take forever! I was on a roll once I'd lost 28 as I was feeling motivated and had dropped a number of sizes. Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon for a while and gained ten back, so getting back to the original -28 from the now -18 feels extra grueling because it's like a repeat!

It is definitely true that one must make time for the good habits or the academic desk will suck us in and keep us there! I stopped paying attention to my body for a number of reasons (more to do with emotional issues than laziness or neglect), but it's time to change that because I really do know better!

My diss is a collection of poetry and a collection of criticism of contemporary poetry (two books; joint PhD in lit and creative writing). I have been wanting to study creative nonfiction for a long time and never had a chance to. Can you recommend any great books? I'd love to read your work sometime, too. Perhaps one of these days, we can swap stuff to read. :)

neon_zephyr 01-26-2012 10:36 PM

Today was a mixed up sort of day. Too emo all day and I didn't really eat all that well. No egregiously bad choices, just didn't feel so healthy. However, I did run for one hour.

Maybe tomorrow will be good for diet AND exercise.

neon_zephyr 01-27-2012 09:50 PM

I've been eating reasonably well yesterday and today (except that I did eat chips yesterday, which wasn't good). Scale registers 175, which is down a pound, but that could just be normal variation. Let's see how that plays out over the rest of the week. Really, I'm frustrated that I'm having to re-lose the ten pounds that I lost and gained back over the holidays and not feeling good about myself.

I think I'm tired from the running over the past few days or something because my whole body is sore. Either that or I'm just depressed about my dissolving marriage and my body's holding tension. So, today's been relatively inactive -- reading a book, taking a nap, catching up on emails, and I've got a chapter to work on tonight.

I had toast and fruit and pistachios, and coffee and I don't feel like eating anything else, but I probably should. Ugh. Not too motivated today.

damiilya 01-28-2012 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neon_zephyr (Post 4192192)
Really, I'm frustrated that I'm having to re-lose the ten pounds that I lost and gained back over the holidays and not feeling good about myself.

I had toast and fruit and pistachios, and coffee and I don't feel like eating anything else, but I probably should. Ugh. Not too motivated today.

Yep, the same for me. I also have to re-lose my weight. This summer I lost quite a few pounds, I weighed 126.8 lbs (and was first around 137 lbs too). And now I have to lose all that weight again >.< Sometimes I feel really unmotivated to lose weight when I think about that. But no matter what, we can't give up! (:

Well, if you don't feel like eating anything else, I think you shouldn't force yourself. If only I felt like that more often I would lose weight more easily. But maybe I'm wrong, so do what you feel that is the best for yourself!

neon_zephyr 01-28-2012 02:22 PM

Damiilya -- I ended up eating a little bit of chicken and pasta, just some microwave thing. I agree with you about not eating when I don't feel like it, except that for the past few months, I haven't wanted to eat or do much of anything at all and by forcing myself to have something, I'm trying to counterbalance the emotional with the logical. I'm only trying this to sort of un-program myself about the emotional eating/not-eating cycle, but generally I agree that we should not eat when our bodies don't want it, because at the end of the day it's calories in vs calories out, right? :)

I'm sorry you're in the same situation of having to re-lose previously lost and gained weight, but, I suppose we all have that at some point and we just have to keep our spirits up and not be defeated....

I'm feeling a little more motivated today, but I'm not sure if I'll have time for a walk because I overslept and now it's too hot outside. :( So, we'll see how the day progresses. I fell asleep at like 5am and woke up at about 9am and I feel unsettled, but I'm going to have a small breakfast and try doing some sit-ups and push-ups and things like that before I sit down to work today. :)

guynna 01-28-2012 09:06 PM

hi, NeonZ et al --

I was out of town for a couple of days helping one of my nieces move (niece #3 of 5), and we were so busy I didn't even get online. I also got a lot of exercise carrying boxes to and fro -- both good and bad, b/c of the tendonitis.

NZ, I had knee surgery a couple of years ago and injured one heel while the knee was healing (I think b/c I tried to walk too much too soon and walked funny, compensating for the knee.) After the first one, the second one started to hurt too, but the right heel is still worse.

*sigh* So I'm taking breaks whenever I walk, wearing an orthopedic boot a few hours a day, and icing my heels at least twice a day. *this*is*a*huge*pain*in*the****

I agree about paying attention to what your body wants instead of saying "I should eat because...." AND about re-losing weight! I haven't had to do much of that -- was not really overweight for a long time, then a long slow gain, now losing.

More soon -- lots of catching up to do now that I'm back online! Take care, chickies!

damiilya 01-30-2012 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neon_zephyr (Post 4192897)
...but generally I agree that we should not eat when our bodies don't want it, because at the end of the day it's calories in vs calories out, right? :)

I'm feeling a little more motivated today, but I'm not sure if I'll have time for a walk because I overslept and now it's too hot outside. :(

Yep, you're totally right, calories in vs calories out, hehe (:
Right now I'm really struggling about how many calories I should consume. Because I can't even estimate how many calories I burn throughout the day, every calculator says something else. I think I burn around 2000 calories, as I go to school on the bike, then sit for the most of time and do some exercise at home and sit again (except if I have to work or go out). So I try to consume no more than 1700 calories. But I'm thinking about lowering my consume intake..

And it's hot outside?? It's winter, how can it be hot outside? XD Or am I missing something..

neon_zephyr 01-31-2012 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by damiilya (Post 4195033)
And it's hot outside?? It's winter, how can it be hot outside? XD Or am I missing something..

lol. I'm closer to the equator than you. The weather here is never really cold and sometimes does funny things. Today, it's a little cold though...56 degrees.

I find it difficult to balance calories sometimes. I'm trying to get myself into the habit of being more mindful. I've been making mostly good choices, but still slipping up a bit. I've got a lot of stuff going on in my personal life and I tend to be an emotional eater. Breaking that habit will be hard work, I think. But, I'm being mindful and trying to be careful with my choices.

So far, I've managed a walk every day in recent weeks -- some are longer than others. I've made reasonable choices about food, but I slipped up on a couple of days. I'm going to have to start actually calorie counting and looking for a calculator sometime soon.

damiilya 02-01-2012 12:16 PM

neon_zephyr, hahaha, sorry, stupid of me XD I wish it was never cold here, because here in Holland the weather is often sooo depressing, grey clouds, rain, wind and cold =_= But perhaps if it was always sunny here I'd get tired of that too. Variation is good.

Yeah, I'm slipping up a lot of times too, I think a lot of people as well. But even though you find it really difficult, you already lost about 20 lbs! That's a great job, really.

For me calorie counting is the best, I've tried several 'diets', like dukan diet. Gosh, it was horrible for me. After two days of attack phase, my head and my back were hurting and I was really pissed off. But maybe I did something wrong, or I shouldn't of done that at all because I'm still 16 years old and my body still develops itself and blah blah -.-

So I'd say, start counting calories, but don't get too obsessed. Like me, on some days if I eat 100 calories more, I get really upset and start losing all my motivation. But it's still the easiest way for me to lose weight, I eat whatever I want, but still lose weight.

neon_zephyr 02-02-2012 02:35 PM

Damiilya, I've never been to Holland. Sounds glamorous to me, cold or not. I think we are often drawn to what we're not used to. I like the weather in Southern California, but I'm a pretty adaptable person and I shape myself into whatever makes sense for my interests, usually.

Good for you that you are working on establishing healthy habits while you are young and keeping in mind that your body is still growing and changing. Trust me, in a few years, everything will change all over again. I miss my 16-year old body...even my 25 year old body; it was easier to lose and gain at that time and now I'm 34 and my body does not want to give up its fat. Grrr. So, I get discouraged, but...discipline is important and I'm trying to re-learn it! Listen to your body and when you're hurting, take the cue to relax and heal a little.



I'm down to 173-174 today, which is good because it's less than before. I don't feel like I've lost anything, yet, but my clothes fit the way I expected them to at this weight. I hope I can lose two pounds next week and maybe if I start exercising more, I can bump it up to three (but, I think that's too optimistic). I think that next week, I'll increase my exercise and start logging/recording my calories. Now that I've gotten myself in a place where I am being mindful and paying attention to what's going on, I think I need to increase my efforts and work a little harder.

Life's going as it goes. Some recent success in my field, some recent sorrows stemming from my broken marriage, but I'm feeling a little stronger and in part, I think that's tied into making an effort on fitness and work despite my desire to avoid and ignore it. Choosing to curb my emotional eating (or at least restricting it to berries and fruit and raw veggies) seems to be helpful in making me feel like I'm in control. So...maybe -2 pounds next week is possible! :)

neon_zephyr 02-03-2012 11:29 PM

Weight loss seems to be happening gradually. I've been sticking to my diet, diet pills, and exercise. I ran yesterday, but didn't get any workout time today.

Family emergency necessitates travel, so tomorrow, I'm mostly going to be traveling. It undoes my entire week's schedule, but I am going to pull an all-nighter to try and finish some work and some packing before travel. I'm extremely worried but trying to tune it out. Stress and worry tend to trigger me overeat, so I will have to be very careful not to give in to that.

swissy 02-08-2012 07:16 PM

I lost 20 pounds from August to October and then regained 11 of those pounds and had to start again, I'm back to 20/21 pounds down and I'm frustrated because I was here in October I could be 40 down but I've gone in the right direction and this time I will give up of course the only difference is I'll get back on it quickly this time I promise!

neon_zephyr 02-27-2012 03:04 PM

swissy -- Good Luck! I think sometimes, we make negative progress, but we can always learn from it and move on forward if we keep trying. At least that's what I'm hoping! Hang in there!


I've got a situation on hand at the moment and am offline for a few days, mostly. Things are stressful, to say the least. I plan to be back online in a few days to check in. My diet and exercise plan are failing at the moment, but, sometime, life takes precedence. :(

Please think positive thoughts my way, if you feel so inclined.

Galadreal 02-27-2012 05:08 PM

Everything in moderation, including moderation. Some days no matter how hard you try and what you want the diet just will not work and dies a horrible screaming death, riding you to the ground with guilt. Don't let it. Yes everyone falls off the wagon sometimes, yesterday walking through the grocery store I smelled pie, and I would have gladly ripped off someones arm and beaten them to death with it to have that pie. I did not break, though there was much drooling and quite a bit of profanity...and I think my resentment of lettuce has gotten a little worse. But the important thing is I survived, and although i may dream of pie for a couple of days, I stuck with it...ok, so I snagged a couple of hershies kisses when I got home, but it was not a faceplant in a pie, so I can live with that.

As for your husband...well, anyone who will blame you for not being able to keep his own pants up is not worth your time, and sure as **** not worth your effort or stress. I know it is hard now, and it will be hard, someone you have spent that much time with is not easy to get over. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. And as much as it hurts, it was a dick move of him to use your weight to justify him being a big slut. If you want to make changes in your life they should be for you, so you will feel better, and so later you can flaunt it and say "yeah you gave this up, feel the burn, ouch!" but that is just the spiteful side of me showing. I have always been too vindictive for my own good.

Best of luck with things and drop me a line...or check out my blog I have on here, it might be something for you to look into doing as well.

neon_zephyr 03-10-2012 11:03 PM

Galadreal, your post made me smile. Thanks for the words. :) I'll check out your blog. I tried one for a while, but recently took down a bunch of the posts. Too much drama surrounding it. I might start up again sometime.


I've been back and forth with life and I'm still hanging out at 174-175 despite not really paying too much attention to calories or exercise for the past couple of weeks. This week, I started counting calories again. I've got an app on my iPhone that lets me keep track of calories in and out. I'm trying to stay at 1000 per day. Today, I'm over by 50, but I have mostly been good about my food choices -- no chocolate, no sugar, few carbs. I'm snacking on fruit and popcorn, which is not too bad. It will take me time to focus in on my 1000 a day goal I think. I function better when I have about 1300, but, as I don't have much time to exercise these days, I'm trying the calorie deficit approach.

I did, however, run for two miles on Thursday and walk a couple of miles on Friday. Today's just been work though. I've got two big deadlines next week and once they're met, I hope to get into more exercise again.

neon_zephyr 03-13-2012 05:45 PM

comments? opinions?
 
I wanted to post about something that's been bugging me. Comments or advice would be helpful for me to make sense of it.

My weight hasn't gone up or down, but that's because I'm steadily staying at the same calories per day and not increasing exercise and because I've set aside the diet pills for a few days. This isn't bugging me. I know that I'll put more energy into my weight loss efforts once I get through this week's deadline.

The trouble is that I do tend to procrastinate and self-sabotage sometimes and I wonder if that's what I'm doing now by neglecting my diet and the other things in my life that are demanding my attention. My weight is tied into issues of control and so I think I need to make sense of this.

When I allow myself to become fat, I feel a little safer, like I'm armored. It keeps me at a distance from the rest of the world and I can blame my fat for my problems. I know this, so I'm trying to counter it. I started trying to work on my project which is due this week and which I'm afraid won't turn out well, but then I started avoiding it -- reading, drinking coffee, taking time to eat lots of little snacks that are not filling and that take up time to deal with, then eating something carb-heavy to feel less stressed out and then avoiding work. On top of that, going for a walk doesn't clear my head, just makes me more worried, so then I drink more coffee and tea, hoping the ritual will help and it's a big circle that gets me nowhere. Then, I try to bribe myself to stay at my desk and work with candy and chips. Bad. Very bad. I know this. It neither helps the problem, nor helps the weight problem. It's the candy that's the big issue. I will occasionally set aside candy in favor of fruit, but it sounds like I'm dealing with a sugar addiction.

Here's the second part. My marriage fell apart. I still love my estranged husband, I have a tiny sliver of hope left that our yeas together weren't an illusion and he just screwed up and will eventually do right by me and fix it, but 98% of me has lost faith. It's been six months since we separated and he's not remorseful for his behavior. Naturally, people I know (but who don't know me well enough to know what I'm going through) keep trying to set me up with other guys, which isn't really something I'm ready for, even if my EH cheated and abandoned me. I don't like this and I don't like the headspace it puts me in. If I'm tempted to go out with someone out of revenge for his cheating or because it might get me some attention, I feel guilty, or if I feel overly threatened by people suggesting things and don't know if I've done an adequate job or refusing what looks like a better situation than I'm in, I panic; as a result, I eat lots of calories fast (fried things, sugary things). It's kind of like...if I'm fat, people won't pay attention to me and I can be safe to figure out what I want, even safe from my own temptation. I don't think this in the moment, obviously, but, I have noticed the trend in my own behavior. I'm sure my husband doesn't care about me or else he'd be making an effort to fix this, so if I wanted to move on, it wouldn't be a betrayal, but I still love him so I feel guilty thinking this and I'll hide out in my room a lot and just eat chocolate and cry. Then, I think....hmmm, well, I haven't gained any weight so it's not a big deal, but really, I'm just preventing weight loss because I'm kind of afraid, I think. Hiding behind my fat seems to be my way of retreating from the world.

This is messed up. It sounds like some kind of stupid eating disorder or screwed up logic, but....if I don't deal with this, I don't think any weight loss journey will be effective for long because the issue will return.

Raven132 03-14-2012 02:46 PM

I'm so sorry your ex is what he is, but don't hold your breath waiting for him to change. As hard as it is, it sounds like you need help letting go. If you can find someone to talk to do it. You are priceless, and need to be treated that way. It starts with you being good to yourself. If you don't feel comfortable going out with me, then by all means don't. But don't isolate yourself, talk to family and friends and be as social as you feel comfortable doing.


Disclaimer: I am still waiting for an apology from my ex, almost seven years coming. He had a baby with another woman (while we were married and I was seven months pregnant) and never even came close to being sorry. Granted, I was the [email protected] who went back to him, but still.

neon_zephyr 03-14-2012 04:18 PM

Raven, thanks for the supportive words. I'm sorry for what you went through. It isn't fun to be betrayed. :( I know that he probably won't apologize and that this is not fixable by one person; I know that I won't sit around feeling sorry for myself forever (even if it feels like that now); I know that on the outside, I look like I'm doing just fine and getting things done; I know that it's not the end of the world and that I need to focus on my own life....but, I don't seem to be handling it well emotionally and my emotions are sometimes tied up in how I take care of myself. I'm concerned about how I'm handling it for a number of reasons. After he left (he will say I kicked him out, but I would say I just didn't go with him when he had to go), I did lose a lot of weight. I was about ten pounds less than I am right now. I guess, when the reality of it started sinking in and when I couldn't deny what was going on, I just started to retreat into myself and that included allowing myself to gain back some of the weight I lost. I know this is unhealthy, but I find that I hide behind my fat a lot and this is only one of the triggers for it, but it happens to be the one I am currently dealing with. I've got a therapist, but it isn't helping right now. Maybe I should talk more about my weight to her and less about my grief. I can't help feeling like a complete fool and that just makes me want to hide from the world...and then, I sabotage my efforts. :( I've got to find a way to get out of the thought patterns that put me here. By the way, your weight loss progress toward your goals according to your ticker looks great! Keep at it!

neon_zephyr 03-14-2012 04:31 PM

Still at the same weight, but, I know I ate candy and chips yesterday, so I'm feeling extremely guilty and panicky about it. Nothing I can do but recognize the emotional trigger that brought on that choice and let it go. Today, I'm watching my calories. I'm going to go on a walk, too. Usually, I only have time to walk or run on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I will go tomorrow, but I will also walk for a while today.

I realized that I'm going to modify my ultimate weight loss goal. I thought 135 was where I ought to be, but getting there will be a struggle that doesn't feel necessary for me. I like my body at 145-150. I don't need to be as thin as I was in freshman year of college (135) and getting there will be more trouble than it's worth. Looking at that number goal every day is actually depressing because it seems like too much of a stretch. So, I'm going to try for 145 instead. That's 30 pounds less than where I am now and I'd be happy at that weight. If I can muster the discipline and desire to try for 135 at that point, I will, but I don't want to aim for something unreasonable and defeat myself before I start.

So, okay. New weight loss goal is 145. I'm 174-175 today, so I've got 30 pounds to go. That feels more reasonable. Do you guys ever modify your goals or do you have a clear idea at the outset that you just go toward?

Raven132 03-15-2012 01:28 PM

Thanks for the support, I'm still working at it.

Just be good and kind to yourself right now. Don't get too hung up on a number, just feed your body good, whole foods. If you can find something else to feed your emotions, do that. I kept a journal for a long time, and it helped immensely. I tend to keep things bottled up, so it was one place I could be anything I wanted. Angry, depressed, happy, badass or fragile. No judgement when you are writing for yourself. Even now I'm very emotionally repressed, and trying to figure out how to channel all that emotion into movement instead of food.

Keep looking forward to what you want, and remember that you deserve good things.

neon_zephyr 03-16-2012 10:51 PM

Raven -- yes, journals do help sometimes. I'm a writer and I keep a journal religiously. Unfortunately, I'm going through so much stuff in my life right now that I'm just overwhelmed. I find that I'm very depressed and when I get depressed, my bad habits kick in big time.


Today, I weighed in on the heavier side, 175. I have been hoping I'd go down to 173, but I keep going up and down between 174-176 lately.

So, I went for a walk (30 minutes) and tried to eat healthy food. It worked, but then I got really depressed and stressed out and just ate candy -- a Twix. I knew I shouldn't have, but, I did it anyway. No self-restraint today. My reasoning was stupid and I know it. Yesterday, I ran for 45 minutes and walked for 30. I plan to walk/run tomorrow, too. It's not going to be any use to me if I don't get this sugar-addiction under control, though. I don't drink or smoke or use drugs, so when I'm looking for something to feel better, I eat sugary stuff. :(

Today sucks. Short on time to finish a project. Short on motivation to do anything other than curl up and die -- and all over something as effing ridiculous as a broken heart. I make myself sick. UGH. I'm going to try to remember my weight loss goals and tonight I'll do an exercise video, too. I know exercise is supposed to be good for depression and it's definitely going to burn off the Twix (at least in part).

neon_zephyr 03-17-2012 10:06 PM

Today, I'm actually feeling fat. Maybe I'm bloated, maybe it's almost that time of the month, maybe my sitting down all week to work and not exercising enough and giving in to poor food choices a few times is catching up with me. Today, the scale said 176. So, I took a diet pill and went for a walk again. In fact, every time I have taken a break from work, I'm trying to do some small physical thing that will burn some calories -- going up and down the stairs a few times, walking up and down the street, crunches and push-ups in my room. It's not a big chunk of time, but it's like chipping away at something, in a way. I did go walking 3 days this week and running 1 day, but it wasn't enough to combat the other things, I guess.

I'm going to get back to the gym tomorrow (it opens again after Spring Break) and spend an hour there, regardless of what deadlines are hanging over me. My goal next week will be to go to the gym at least 3 times and exercise for at least 1 hour.

Today, I'm feeling emotional. I don't like it. Lots to do. I'll keep trying little things every break-time and maybe I can integrate my two separate goals a little better in my life.

neon_zephyr 03-21-2012 01:06 AM

I've been walking every day. Back on the phentermine. Trying to pay attention to the calories. I have to get back to the gym and amp up my intensity. Walking isn't doing me any good. I need to run or lift weights or stair-climb or elliptical or bike or something. I recognize that I'm taking things way too slow.

I'm back up to 177 today and I can feel it because 167 felt far better and I had gotten rid of the clothes that were too big at that point. So now, all my clothes are uncomfortably snug. My own fault for slacking off.

I've got big academic deadlines that take precedence, though, and I just have to keep that in mind. Just a few more days and if I can get through it, I get back to the gym, too.

Today has been a really bad day and I'm exhausted and weepy and really wishing I wasn't so alone in life. I have so much to do, but...low calorie and more phentermine and walking and working and I'm emotional as anything. I just want to sleep, but, I don't have time...

neon_zephyr 03-25-2012 12:07 AM

I've been neglecting diet and exercise as often as not lately. I'm really stressed out with my deadlines and finding it very difficult to make time for much exercise. So, I'm trying to squeeze in a little at a time when I take breaks in work, but the requisite intensity for burning calories effectively isn't there right now. I'm at 176 now.

Serious depression, still not handling relationship limbo well, and a lot of unexpected problems with the dissertation defense scheduling have gotten to me a lot. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate, really hard to stay motivated, and even harder to stay focused on fitness goals. I think that right now, I can only fight one big battle at a time, so I'm hoping to get through the last draft of my project this week and trying not to be upset that my weight loss efforts are slacking a little. When I am too hard on myself about this, I tend to give up on the dieting and I don't want to do that right now.

But, I am walking every day, taking my diet pills, avoiding the urge to eat junk food (I caved in and had chocolate though for the past few days and I've been carb heavy in my food in an effort to lift my spirits enough to work), and counting calories. I'm under 1600 a day. That's 600 more calories than I want, but, I'm finding it hard to focus on 1000 right now.

Having a tough few days, but I thought I should check in. How are all of you?

neon_zephyr 03-27-2012 03:30 AM

I've been going up and down a lot in weight lately, so maybe it's just water weight. I'm at 173 today.

I've got my defense scheduled, which means just one more month of really hard work and then, hopefully, I will be successfully on my way to completing this degree. I'm still having a hard time concentrating, but maybe I just need to drop the phentermine and try anti-depressants for a little while. It might be just the thing to take the edge off. So, I've got one more big deadline at the end of the week -- gotta turn in the final drafts of both projects, then. After that, I can schedule in more exercise time.

Still not sure how to sort out the relationship troubles. I find that I'm so confused that I don't know how to make sense of anything. The way I see it, my husband cheated and didn't want to work things out and just left me. He seems to be indicating that isn't what's happened at all and I'm missing something big, but I'm just not seeing it. I don't know what to think, but I have to realize this....if he isn't going to make an effort to talk to me about our problems, then I have to assume he doesn't want to talk about them and I just have to let it go. Maybe he just doesn't want me around anymore. That's possible. I had a life before him and I have to have a life now that he isn't around and being sad and retreating from everything is no kind of solution at all. At least I'm not just comfort eating all the time. I've broken down and had bad things, but, I'm not just giving in to that urge mindlessly.

Time to stop being so pathetic. Back to work. Back to the gym. And maybe starting next week, you guys will hear about more positive results rather than such wishy washy ones.

damiilya 03-27-2012 07:29 AM

Heyy, sorry for not replying for a long time. I've given up for a few weeks the last month but now I'm back on track. I gained the weight back =_= But I don't care, I'll lose it by the end of this month. Hehe.

And I think you shouldn't consume 1000 calories, not that I believe in the starvation mode or anything, but when I tried it, I just binged in the evening or the next day.And I also felt really tired and grumpy. I think that consuming that few calories are only for people who REALLY can control themselves from tempting food and so.. So right now I just try not to eat more than 1600 calories.


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