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neon_zephyr 04-13-2012 10:54 AM

There will always be excuses for why we haven't achieved what we wanted to achieve, but they help nothing. When you see that everything is off track, you gotta stop and figure out why and fix it. You figure out which excuses are actually related to true obstacles and then figure out how to get past them. You stop and say, okay, what's the next step? It's this way in all things, including fitness. I'm seeing that all things are connected.

I'm not satisfied with my body, but I know I can't do much right now. What I can do is exercise for an hour, take diet pills, and avoid fattening food. I'm doing those things. So, I have to stop beating myself up over not making it a priority when my dissertation defense is my priority. Acceptance.

I can't fix my ruined marriage on my own; it takes two. I've offered plans to move past this, but H blows them off. Maybe that means he doesn't want to fix it. If he did, he'd find a way to tell me so. I am not both myself and him, so this is not all in my hands. What is in my hands is the ability to communicate and compromise -- and not fatten myself up so I feel I deserve the rejection I'm feeling. Acceptance.

My draft is late, but it's half submitted. Since I don't have a time machine, I can only do what I can do. I can set the rest aside and finish project A, not worrying about the state of submitted project B. And, if it's late, it's late. Either they will take it or they will defer my defense. What I can do is just finish the task I'm expected to finish. Acceptance.

It's so easy to get derailed when our progress isn't what we want it to be. But, we have to accept that it won't always be what we want it to be and we have to "roll with the punches". Wallowing in self-pity or avoidance gets you nowhere. Accept what you can't change and accept what the circumstances are, and then you'll have the chance to change what is in front of you.

It becomes more and more obvious every day that managing weight is inherently connected to the ways in which we balance stress and expectation and focus our efforts. Bringing life into balance is important. I'm accepting that "full steam ahead" doesn't refer to everything all the time. And, I'm hoping that by diminishing discouragement, I can be better at managing my fitness. I want these changes to be lifestyle changes, not just temporary ones so that when I deal with my weight problem, I can recognize that it won't ever get this out of control again.

neon_zephyr 04-19-2012 01:18 AM

Made some time today to work out and it felt great to do it for myself. I did it because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. That was important.

I ran five miles (according to the machines, I burned 630 calories. yay). I lifted weights for about 40 minutes; not sore, but maybe I will be tomorrow. Then, in the evening, I walked 2.5 miles more.

If I keep this up every day, I might actually reach my goal. I've been working so hard on my academic stuff, but I can take a 2-3 hour break in a day to work out. It's a good thing. Tomorrow, I'll work out again in the morning and then spend the rest of the day writing and revising.

The scale said 158, but it's gotta be at least 10-12 pounds too little. I suspect I'm 168-174 right now, but hope to be firmly into the 160s (maybe at my mini-goal) in the next 2-3 weeks! :) So many deadlines coming up, but, making time to exercise feels good today.

neon_zephyr 04-19-2012 08:48 PM

UGH. Sore as all **** today. I'm surprised. I managed to walk 3.5 miles, though, which is something. Of all things that hurt, it's actually my arms that are giving me grief. Definitely weird. Well, maybe by tomorrow, I can manage more weights and longer cardio. Under the calorie count for today, so far. Unfortunately, I'm tired, emotional, and missing what I shouldn't be. Not sure if I can get any academic work done today because I just can't focus. I haven't quite gotten the hang of splitting energy into a good balance yet...

damiilya 04-24-2012 02:37 PM

Good job! Keep doing your best <3

neon_zephyr 05-06-2012 02:21 PM

I butchered my exercise and diet routine Friday. I mean seriously. I needed a break from the constraint of discipline of the past several months and took a cheat day. I have too much going on this week to be serious at the gym or extreme in my diet, but I'm getting back to walking and healthy choices tomorrow. I've been good about exercising every day, even if it's just walking. No weight gain. That's good. However, the changes I make need to account for life and not be isolated from it. I anticipate three or four days of badness this week because I've got a bunch of gatherings to go to (tis the season for finishing up school it seems) and am not in control of the menu. But, I'm still in the lower 170s, so I doubt it will do too much damage.

In good news, I earned my PhD by successfully defending my dissertation last week. It's Dr. Neon Zephyr, now! :) Gotta start looking the part if I want a professorship, so in preparing for the job market this fall, I'm going to intensify weight loss efforts and also wardrobe revision efforts. I'll do this once I'm done with edits, formatting, filing, and uploading, but will be gradually sticking to it for the next couple of months and hopefully increasing a little at a time.

damiilya 05-07-2012 04:13 PM

Of course you need day offs. So it's okay (:
I've been taking a lot of cheat days past months, and gained all the weight back again. But now I'm really serious about losing the weight (and getting healthy!), because I have only 2.5 months until summer vacation.

And congratulations on your PhD!!

neon_zephyr 05-21-2012 10:02 PM

Damilya, hang in there. Even if you regained, you can re-lose, again, too! You've got those 2.5 months to go and you'll do it if you keep your goal in mind!

I slacked off a while and didn't pay attention to diet or exercise, so I'm up to 178 again and I'm feeling bad about it. I'm not giving up, though. I've got more editing to get through so I've got another ten days of hard sedentary work ahead of me. I'm going to keep walking every day and try not to overdo the calories. I gain a little more exercise time in June, though, and I'm hoping to get back down to the 160s in June. I'm glad to have the PhD just about done, now, but it's bringing into sharper focus all the other stuff that's fallen apart and I know I shouldn't just sit here and feel sad -- and I'm not, because I'm going out and doing all kinds of social things, but I'm still sad and that makes me disinclined to work out or do anything other than the daily tasks that are due. It feels pathetic and I hate it. I know that the weight loss is easier for some people than others and that I'm just one of those people for whom the whole thing will be tough because my emotions get to me, but, I just have to accept it and move on and not give up.

I've stayed under my 1100 calories all weekend and today. I walked every day (3 miles), too. And each day, I added one other activity to my day. Squats on Saturday, Crunches on Sunday, and Push-Ups today. I don't care that I'm not going to win any competitions this way, but I'm trying to stick to my resolve of doing active things every day and not screwing up my diet. Even a couple of weeks off has had disastrous results. :/ Well, what's re-gained can be re-lost, right? :)

Still at it.

neon_zephyr 05-22-2012 12:41 PM

I walked twice yesterday, an hour in the morning and about 45 minutes in the evening. Felt freeing to stretch a little and be in the world. I'm thinking of continuing the trend of increasing walking time. In fact, I started this morning with an uphill walk for 45 minutes, which made the downhill feel like a rush. It's a good way to dispel gloom. And, I met several friendly people walking their dogs, which was nice, too. I think I'll try it again later this evening. So, walking closer to 2 hours a day and watching the calories might just help knock the fat down a little faster. I've been taking it too easy, I think and will step it up a notch today! :)

neon_zephyr 09-27-2012 01:46 AM

Fell off the wagon for a while. Life got me down. But, I'm back to it now. Just going to focus on losing 35 pounds for however long it takes because I like myself at 35 pounds less. Only, now, I'm having to re-lose the weight I'd lost before and I'm frustrated about it. It's like starting all over again. :(

Days are long and exhausting and making time to get back into an exercise routine will be really tough at first. I'll try to post here more often (and more briefly) to stay accountable.

Hope all of you are doing well.

neon_zephyr 10-15-2012 12:40 AM

And the cycle continues. I've regained all the weight I lost. Feeling like dirt about myself. So, starting over again.

I haven't been doing too well lately and relapsed into bad habits of being sedentary, eating junk food, and tuning out of my reality. So, today, I got back on phentermine. Really low dose, but I'm hoping it will give me just enough energy to climb out of depression.

Tomorrow morning, I'm starting a new work-out routine. Might see if I can find a sport or class locally in which to participate; some on here have suggested such a thing and I bet it would help with overcoming lack of motivation and accountability. I'll post about it.

abcunnin 11-11-2012 11:10 PM

Did you stay on the wagon? I stumbled on your posts and I relate to you tremendously. I've always had a dangerous relationship with food. To keep the story very short, I gained over 100 pounds when I was in a really bad time in my life, drowned myself in academia and food, lost 80 pounds, was tremendously happy and in a fantastic relationship, got married, finished my Ph.D. (all the while, gaining 50+ pounds back...), and here I am. Congrats on your successes and persistence. I don't know about you, but it's an interesting challenge to work on my health and body now that I can't distract myself with "having too much to do right now."

neon_zephyr 12-10-2012 11:46 PM

Hi abcunnin, Nice to meet you. I will have to catch up on your thread this week. :)

I haven't given up on my goals, but I can't say I have been doing to well at achieving them, recently. I managed to finish the PhD and for a while I did put some extra effort into the fitness, but I've been up and down and inconsistent and undisciplined, lately. My time is relatively unstructured now, so I'm writing, putting in some effort on the job market, and researching, but also just suddenly immersed in life outside of grad school, too, which is definitely an adjustment. Unfortunately, I've been fighting off a heck of a depression for the past fifteen months so it's been truly difficult to find the discipline to keep at it. My personal life is in shambles and I don't see change on the horizon, yet. So, my inner demons are slowing me down. I haven't given up. I haven't bought bigger sized clothes, either. So, I guess I'm not a lost cause, just one that's stalling a bit.

I signed on today after some time away from 3FC and hope to be here more often, hope to stick with my efforts long enough to see more results.

My new plan of action -- Just exercise. 5 days of cardio + 3 days of either weights or yoga per week. No more giving in to sad moods and eating junk. I'm not going to worry about gauging progress in pounds yet, just gauging my ability to stick to my exercise routine. The holidays inevitably bring us many distractions in the sweet-tooth department, so I'm going to stick to exercise, at first. Phase two will be calorie counting.

I will try to be here more often, instead of just backing off because I feel ashamed of my lack of stellar progress. :) I hate that I keep falling off the wagon, but I guess that sometimes things take a while to stick. :)

neon_zephyr 02-15-2013 02:56 AM

I'm still around. Up and down on progress, but overall still at the same point. I've been somewhat careful with my diet most of the time, so I haven't gained any weight, but I've made enough mistakes indulging in stuff that isn't good for me when things have been low that I haven't made any real progress, either.

Not to worry. I joined a new gym a month ago and have been going twice a week. Hoping to up that to five days a week, once I get used to it. It shouldn't be too difficult, but the circumstances of my life involve a lot of obstacles and exhaustion and most of the days, I just can't motivate myself. Working on it.

No phentermine in a while, but I might try it again. I don't like how easy it is to gain weight once stopping it. I don't like how moody it makes me. I don't like hearing about the possible health issues down the line if taken for a prolonged period (which is why I didn't take it for more than one prescription's worth last time). I don't like that it's expensive. I do like that it does work and helps me to have the energy to make it to the gym and eat less. So, we'll see.

In the meantime, slow and steady with the exercise in the hopes of changing my bad habits, beating my depression, and learning how to keep the weight off.

I met with a trainer recently, but didn't hire him. He seemed to be of the opinion that having strong motivation is crucial. I don't really have much motivation -- at least not in the way of a goal or something, but I'd really like to feel better about myself and to look good. It's not much. I guess I'm realizing that I still have a lot of emotional issues tied up into my weight and I'll have to deal with both physical and psychological fitness at the same time.

So, I haven't given up yet and I'll keep at it until it sticks. :)

neon_zephyr 06-11-2013 01:28 AM

I've been absent for a long time. Got really busy, got depressed, gained weight again. Started over (yet again!) about a month ago. I've lost 10lb.

Worked out today for an hour. Spin.

Felt good after a long time away from it. I used to go to spin class with my husband, before we separated. He'd go to his martial arts class and I'd go to my spin class. It took so much out of me, not because the class was particularly grueling (though it actually was), but because I was always hoping to not disappoint him and so a lot of my emotional energy went to trying to do a workout he wouldn't sneer at rather than toward channeling positive energy. I wanted him to be proud of my effort and see that I was trying to look better for him because he wanted me to be thinner. It didn't matter, at the end of the day because he strayed often. Since then, I've worked out plenty, but, I haven't done spin since. Until today.

I'm on my own, now, so I did this for me in an effort to lift my spirits. Maybe I'll get back to it every day. I actually do like how I feel afterwards.

tapifish 06-11-2013 04:11 AM

I understand falling down...it hurts but my mind set is no matter how many times I fall as long as I getbback up I have WON.....and you seem like a strong woman who can push through any obstacle...I want to wish u Goodluck on your journey!!!

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