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Raven132 03-14-2012 01:46 PM

I'm so sorry your ex is what he is, but don't hold your breath waiting for him to change. As hard as it is, it sounds like you need help letting go. If you can find someone to talk to do it. You are priceless, and need to be treated that way. It starts with you being good to yourself. If you don't feel comfortable going out with me, then by all means don't. But don't isolate yourself, talk to family and friends and be as social as you feel comfortable doing.

Disclaimer: I am still waiting for an apology from my ex, almost seven years coming. He had a baby with another woman (while we were married and I was seven months pregnant) and never even came close to being sorry. Granted, I was the [email protected] who went back to him, but still.

neon_zephyr 03-14-2012 03:18 PM

Raven, thanks for the supportive words. I'm sorry for what you went through. It isn't fun to be betrayed. :( I know that he probably won't apologize and that this is not fixable by one person; I know that I won't sit around feeling sorry for myself forever (even if it feels like that now); I know that on the outside, I look like I'm doing just fine and getting things done; I know that it's not the end of the world and that I need to focus on my own life....but, I don't seem to be handling it well emotionally and my emotions are sometimes tied up in how I take care of myself. I'm concerned about how I'm handling it for a number of reasons. After he left (he will say I kicked him out, but I would say I just didn't go with him when he had to go), I did lose a lot of weight. I was about ten pounds less than I am right now. I guess, when the reality of it started sinking in and when I couldn't deny what was going on, I just started to retreat into myself and that included allowing myself to gain back some of the weight I lost. I know this is unhealthy, but I find that I hide behind my fat a lot and this is only one of the triggers for it, but it happens to be the one I am currently dealing with. I've got a therapist, but it isn't helping right now. Maybe I should talk more about my weight to her and less about my grief. I can't help feeling like a complete fool and that just makes me want to hide from the world...and then, I sabotage my efforts. :( I've got to find a way to get out of the thought patterns that put me here. By the way, your weight loss progress toward your goals according to your ticker looks great! Keep at it!

neon_zephyr 03-14-2012 03:31 PM

Still at the same weight, but, I know I ate candy and chips yesterday, so I'm feeling extremely guilty and panicky about it. Nothing I can do but recognize the emotional trigger that brought on that choice and let it go. Today, I'm watching my calories. I'm going to go on a walk, too. Usually, I only have time to walk or run on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I will go tomorrow, but I will also walk for a while today.

I realized that I'm going to modify my ultimate weight loss goal. I thought 135 was where I ought to be, but getting there will be a struggle that doesn't feel necessary for me. I like my body at 145-150. I don't need to be as thin as I was in freshman year of college (135) and getting there will be more trouble than it's worth. Looking at that number goal every day is actually depressing because it seems like too much of a stretch. So, I'm going to try for 145 instead. That's 30 pounds less than where I am now and I'd be happy at that weight. If I can muster the discipline and desire to try for 135 at that point, I will, but I don't want to aim for something unreasonable and defeat myself before I start.

So, okay. New weight loss goal is 145. I'm 174-175 today, so I've got 30 pounds to go. That feels more reasonable. Do you guys ever modify your goals or do you have a clear idea at the outset that you just go toward?

Raven132 03-15-2012 12:28 PM

Thanks for the support, I'm still working at it.

Just be good and kind to yourself right now. Don't get too hung up on a number, just feed your body good, whole foods. If you can find something else to feed your emotions, do that. I kept a journal for a long time, and it helped immensely. I tend to keep things bottled up, so it was one place I could be anything I wanted. Angry, depressed, happy, badass or fragile. No judgement when you are writing for yourself. Even now I'm very emotionally repressed, and trying to figure out how to channel all that emotion into movement instead of food.

Keep looking forward to what you want, and remember that you deserve good things.

neon_zephyr 03-16-2012 09:51 PM

Raven -- yes, journals do help sometimes. I'm a writer and I keep a journal religiously. Unfortunately, I'm going through so much stuff in my life right now that I'm just overwhelmed. I find that I'm very depressed and when I get depressed, my bad habits kick in big time.

Today, I weighed in on the heavier side, 175. I have been hoping I'd go down to 173, but I keep going up and down between 174-176 lately.

So, I went for a walk (30 minutes) and tried to eat healthy food. It worked, but then I got really depressed and stressed out and just ate candy -- a Twix. I knew I shouldn't have, but, I did it anyway. No self-restraint today. My reasoning was stupid and I know it. Yesterday, I ran for 45 minutes and walked for 30. I plan to walk/run tomorrow, too. It's not going to be any use to me if I don't get this sugar-addiction under control, though. I don't drink or smoke or use drugs, so when I'm looking for something to feel better, I eat sugary stuff. :(

Today sucks. Short on time to finish a project. Short on motivation to do anything other than curl up and die -- and all over something as effing ridiculous as a broken heart. I make myself sick. UGH. I'm going to try to remember my weight loss goals and tonight I'll do an exercise video, too. I know exercise is supposed to be good for depression and it's definitely going to burn off the Twix (at least in part).

neon_zephyr 03-17-2012 09:06 PM

Today, I'm actually feeling fat. Maybe I'm bloated, maybe it's almost that time of the month, maybe my sitting down all week to work and not exercising enough and giving in to poor food choices a few times is catching up with me. Today, the scale said 176. So, I took a diet pill and went for a walk again. In fact, every time I have taken a break from work, I'm trying to do some small physical thing that will burn some calories -- going up and down the stairs a few times, walking up and down the street, crunches and push-ups in my room. It's not a big chunk of time, but it's like chipping away at something, in a way. I did go walking 3 days this week and running 1 day, but it wasn't enough to combat the other things, I guess.

I'm going to get back to the gym tomorrow (it opens again after Spring Break) and spend an hour there, regardless of what deadlines are hanging over me. My goal next week will be to go to the gym at least 3 times and exercise for at least 1 hour.

Today, I'm feeling emotional. I don't like it. Lots to do. I'll keep trying little things every break-time and maybe I can integrate my two separate goals a little better in my life.

neon_zephyr 03-21-2012 12:06 AM

I've been walking every day. Back on the phentermine. Trying to pay attention to the calories. I have to get back to the gym and amp up my intensity. Walking isn't doing me any good. I need to run or lift weights or stair-climb or elliptical or bike or something. I recognize that I'm taking things way too slow.

I'm back up to 177 today and I can feel it because 167 felt far better and I had gotten rid of the clothes that were too big at that point. So now, all my clothes are uncomfortably snug. My own fault for slacking off.

I've got big academic deadlines that take precedence, though, and I just have to keep that in mind. Just a few more days and if I can get through it, I get back to the gym, too.

Today has been a really bad day and I'm exhausted and weepy and really wishing I wasn't so alone in life. I have so much to do, but...low calorie and more phentermine and walking and working and I'm emotional as anything. I just want to sleep, but, I don't have time...

neon_zephyr 03-24-2012 11:07 PM

I've been neglecting diet and exercise as often as not lately. I'm really stressed out with my deadlines and finding it very difficult to make time for much exercise. So, I'm trying to squeeze in a little at a time when I take breaks in work, but the requisite intensity for burning calories effectively isn't there right now. I'm at 176 now.

Serious depression, still not handling relationship limbo well, and a lot of unexpected problems with the dissertation defense scheduling have gotten to me a lot. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate, really hard to stay motivated, and even harder to stay focused on fitness goals. I think that right now, I can only fight one big battle at a time, so I'm hoping to get through the last draft of my project this week and trying not to be upset that my weight loss efforts are slacking a little. When I am too hard on myself about this, I tend to give up on the dieting and I don't want to do that right now.

But, I am walking every day, taking my diet pills, avoiding the urge to eat junk food (I caved in and had chocolate though for the past few days and I've been carb heavy in my food in an effort to lift my spirits enough to work), and counting calories. I'm under 1600 a day. That's 600 more calories than I want, but, I'm finding it hard to focus on 1000 right now.

Having a tough few days, but I thought I should check in. How are all of you?

neon_zephyr 03-27-2012 02:30 AM

I've been going up and down a lot in weight lately, so maybe it's just water weight. I'm at 173 today.

I've got my defense scheduled, which means just one more month of really hard work and then, hopefully, I will be successfully on my way to completing this degree. I'm still having a hard time concentrating, but maybe I just need to drop the phentermine and try anti-depressants for a little while. It might be just the thing to take the edge off. So, I've got one more big deadline at the end of the week -- gotta turn in the final drafts of both projects, then. After that, I can schedule in more exercise time.

Still not sure how to sort out the relationship troubles. I find that I'm so confused that I don't know how to make sense of anything. The way I see it, my husband cheated and didn't want to work things out and just left me. He seems to be indicating that isn't what's happened at all and I'm missing something big, but I'm just not seeing it. I don't know what to think, but I have to realize this....if he isn't going to make an effort to talk to me about our problems, then I have to assume he doesn't want to talk about them and I just have to let it go. Maybe he just doesn't want me around anymore. That's possible. I had a life before him and I have to have a life now that he isn't around and being sad and retreating from everything is no kind of solution at all. At least I'm not just comfort eating all the time. I've broken down and had bad things, but, I'm not just giving in to that urge mindlessly.

Time to stop being so pathetic. Back to work. Back to the gym. And maybe starting next week, you guys will hear about more positive results rather than such wishy washy ones.

damiilya 03-27-2012 06:29 AM

Heyy, sorry for not replying for a long time. I've given up for a few weeks the last month but now I'm back on track. I gained the weight back =_= But I don't care, I'll lose it by the end of this month. Hehe.

And I think you shouldn't consume 1000 calories, not that I believe in the starvation mode or anything, but when I tried it, I just binged in the evening or the next day.And I also felt really tired and grumpy. I think that consuming that few calories are only for people who REALLY can control themselves from tempting food and so.. So right now I just try not to eat more than 1600 calories.

neon_zephyr 04-02-2012 12:27 AM

Damiilya, glad you're back on track! Don't worry, just start over and keep trying. Yeah, I think 1000 calories is too little. I've upped the calories for a few weeks and also upped the exercise to balance out :)

Update on me: I'm not being as restrictive on my diet because I've got a lot going on. My dissertation defense has been scheduled and I'm trying really hard to prepare for it. Still sad and missing the estranged husband because I just don't understand why he did what he did to me, but, if he doesn't care enough to try to fix things or talk to me, then I can't make him do it, right? I guess he's made his choices. Still worried about my family and missing them, too, but I just have to accept that their life is theirs and I'm just kind of peripheral to it. I'm pretty depressed these days because I feel like I've lost my connections to everyone I care about and that's lonely. Even if I have friends to visit and work to do and parties to attend and writing deadlines, it isn't the same.... But, I'm not drowning my sorrows in cookies or ice cream. I'm going for a walk every day and twice a week, I run/walk 4 miles. I'm eating more, sleeping less, drinking more caffeine and taking diet pills. I've decided that trying to lose weight while also trying to get through this degree is just not going to happen. I'm between 170-174 right now; every day I'm getting a different reading, but I'm glad it's in the lower 170s, at least. If I just try to be a little bit more careful, then after I get through this defense (fingers crossed), I will increase my exercise more. Maybe 4 miles 4 times a week and that might bring me closer to mini-goal A,

damiilya 04-02-2012 01:04 PM

Ohh, I'm really sorry to hear it's not going so well... But I still think you shouldn't give up losing weight right now. Even if it's really difficult, believe me, you'll be SO proud of yourself when you reach your goal through this difficult time.
But of course I can't decide for you what you should do. Because I know how difficult it sometimes can be with losing weight.
Like for example today I binged, again. And now I'm really angry at myself. It went so well, I lost 2 lbs in a week, and now again. =_=

neon_zephyr 04-04-2012 01:16 AM

Hi Damiilya. Don't be upset about the binge, just remember it and try to avoid it next time.

I'm not giving up on losing weight, just putting efforts on the back-burner for a bit and not beating myself up about not trying harder.

Today, I walked four miles. Yesterday, I walked about three. None of this seemed like much effort and so I know I need to increase intensity. At the same time, I know I don't have the emotional energy to do more than this. My defense is coming up soon and my next draft is due sooner. My committee is giving me a hard time and I'm trying to negotiate department politics. Emotional roller coaster still going strong. But, I'm trying to get a grip on it and get myself back in control. I didn't eat well today, but I stayed under 1000 calories. Tomorrow, I hope my choices are healthier ones.

neon_zephyr 04-08-2012 10:56 PM

I've been monitoring my diet to see what things make an impact on my body and have found some weird things.

Coffee lattes give me dragon breath, but it's not the coffee, it's the milk. If I use cream in the coffee, that doesn't happen. And, if I try for skim or 2%, it doesn't agree with my system.

Also, I don't use sugar or sweeteners in my coffees or teas anymore, not really, unless I'm desperate for an indulgence. I think my body doesn't like sugar. I feel better cutting it out, even though I crave it sometimes. That reinforces the idea of sugar addiction...and I'm glad I'm beating it down.

I don't think my body likes carbs, either. I've been eating mostly veggies and protein and a lot of soup. It's easy -- pour from tin to bowl, heat in microwave, et voila. Today, I had pasta (processed, maybe there was MSG in it?). Big mistake. I feel like I'm wading through fog. My brain is just not concentrating on anything and I'm struggling to see clearly.

Been walking every day and that's good, too. Tuesday, back to running outdoors.

Today, this book is the only thing I need to be focusing on. I've got a final draft of this project due tomorrow, and so I've set emotions and fitness plans to the side for the day (I've had a rough few days) and am going to work like my life depends on it because....well, I guess it does.

neon_zephyr 04-09-2012 06:56 PM

22 hours of work solid -- all sitting at my desk! o.O I'm on an energy wave, but it's fueled mostly by caffeine, I think. So close to getting through this draft and I just want to hang on till it's done. Hope I don't get too tired and crash.

Kinda hungry, but, because I'm sedentary right now until my draft is done, I'm avoiding eating because I don't want to gain any pounds. Maybe tea instead.

Not giving in to greasy temptations, carb-comas, or sugar-highs, but I'm not actively working toward fitness, today, either. Neither self-congratulation nor chastisement are in order, but, I'm okay with neutral progress until I'm done with this work. Still, trying to keep myself aware and accountable.

My thoughts are very unhealthy right now. Wishing all of you better luck and balance than me.

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