[jerkitout]

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of hating my body. I’m still young, attractive,.. I just got married to the greatest man in the world, but I feel like I’m already creating problems in our marriage because I don’t feel pretty when I look in the mirror. If I don’t feel good about myself, I don’t want to have sex with him, and he doesn’t understand that because he thinks I’m beautiful.

And really I’m not obese.. I’m 5’6, 27 years old, and I weigh 170 pounds. I’m between a size 12 and a size 14 (mostly because I have large breasts which always puts me a couple pounds higher than my body type). That’s really not bad considering back in 2002 I weighed 206 pounds. I was very unhappy with my life; I was dating a guy who made me miserable, I had lost touch with many friends, and I hated my job. One day I just woke up and decided to change things, and out of no where was able to adapt to a 1500 calorie a day diet for 6 months. I worked my way down to 156 pounds.

Trouble was, with a 50 pound weight loss came brand new confidence. I broke up with my boyfriend and started dating. I made lots of new friends and re-connected with some old ones. Suddenly I’m out every night, eating, drinking, having a ball.. and eventually the waistline began to creep up again.

Then came my husband. We met while I was visiting some friends in England two years ago. We kept in touch and then began visiting each other, and soon fell in love. Because of the nature of our long distance relationship it meant a lot of time alone on my part, but we all know you’re not really alone when you’re alone…you have the refrigerator to keep you company.. ;-)

So here I am, completely in love, but feeling like I’ll never be completely happy until I’m thin. I know that’s silly, but there’s a lot of truth in that. It’s not necessarily being thin. It’s being true to myself. I wake up in the morning with thoughts of exercising and eating healthy, and then I go to bed feeling miserable because I’ve let myself down and feel miserable. I have no willpower.

Somehow when I dieted in the past I used fitday.com with an insane amount of loyalty. I would analyze every freaking meal I ate. I try maybe one day a week now, but the scrutiny of every tiny thing I eat makes it not worth while. I’ve got that one illness that affects all obese people… perfectionism. If I can’t do it perfectly I won’t do it at all.

So here I am.. weighing myself every day and feeling so despondent when this should be the happiest time of my life. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of being hungry, of binge eating, of forgoing exercise because I’m too lazy. I’m tired of worrying about everything I eat. I just want to live and be happy with who I am. I want to eat healthy and feel energized.

But what if I don’t feel this way in an hour from now??

So I’m going to try… I’m going to try to remember how I feel now.. and how I feel at night in bed when I regret all the bad things I ate and did all day. We’re having a family wedding in September since we eloped in Las Vegas last month, and I want wedding pictures that will show me looking like a dazzling bride. That’s what I have to think about. We want to go snowboarding in Colorado this winter, but if I can’t get on my feet what’s the fun. I have to think about that as well. I want to have a glorious life, and it’s up to me to make it that way.

[almostheaven]

I think most people here have been on those types of diets:

weighing myself every day
tired of being hungry
binge eating
forgoing exercise

I've been on them quite a few times. So I had to make a conscious effort to NOT weigh myself every day. I had to eat until I was full, but eat the right kinds of foods, so as to NOT be hungry and NOT binge later. And I also had to make a daily effort to exercise. And if I KNEW I was getting lazy, I had to renew my effort, change it, shake it up, do something to make it fun/interesting, learn to add in simple exercise that can be done without conscious thought and regular exercise that doesn't become tedious and boring to where I allow myself to become lazy.

Most importantly, I had to realize that I was fine just the way I was before I could do ANY of that. Bad feelings about ourselves can do more to keep us down and hinder us from progress than even the largest piece of mouth watering cheesecake. If you feel bad, you're going to get a large piece of that cake. If you feel good, you're going to have more control and be content with a small sampling, knowing you tasted it just as well as if you'd had a large piece AND reaped the benefits of the new body to come.

Hide your scales, clear out all junk food from the house, buy whole grains and lean meats, eat 5 or 6 smaller meals a day rather than 2 or 3 large ones, never skip breakfast, make exercise a must like going to work, if you find yourself trying to talk yourself out of exercise purposely go exercise, try changing your exercise routine or time you exercise to shake it up and keep it interesting, join a club where the money paid will motivate you to use it, try a group setting like Curves where other people will motivate you to continue, walk your neighborhood and explore, need milk? take the bike to the store rather than the car, avoid evil escalators/elevators, walk to the neighbors to gossip rather than use the phone, walk to the co-worker's office to request something rather than use the phone, park at the back of all the lots - better parking spaces there anyhow.

Just a few suggestions.

[Lifeguard]

Oh my goodness do I know how you feel! I am sooo there.

I wish I had the answer - if I did I wouldn't be 245lbs right now. But what I do know is that nothing will work unless it is something you can continue to do it for life - otherwise the weight will just come back when you stop.

Good luck - it is doable. Our weight does NOT have to be a struggle every day for our entire lives! I have to believe that.

[paperclippy]

I agree with Almostheaven ( seems like I'm saying that everywhere I post lately), and I have a couple more tips on how to make yourself work out. Definitely if you pay for it, it is a big motivator (at least for me, since I am on a low grad student stipend, I can barely afford to sign up for classes so I'm going to go to every single one!).

But another motivator is to find an exercise buddy. http://www.exercisefriends.com has a matching service, if you don't know anyone you could work out with. I work out with my bf, maybe you could do it with your husband? There have been many days that I have been laying in bed at 6:30 in the morning thinking "I SO do not want to get up and go run" but lucky for me my bf will literally shove me out of bed and force me to go with him. It's easier to convince yourself to work out if you know that someone will be let down if you don't show up, or if you know someone will be waiting for you.

And like Almostheaven said, you don't need to always be hungry to lose weight. You just need to fill up on the right stuff (a plate of broccoli instead of a plate of cheetos). If you are full on broccoli, you're much less likely to binge later! I actually try to eat before I get hungry, because I know that once I'm hungry I will eat a lot more.

Anyway, goodl uck! You've come to the right place for support.

[almostheaven]

Originally Posted by paperclippy

I agree with Almostheaven ( seems like I'm saying that everywhere I post lately)

I disagree! Do you feel better now?

[jerkitout]

All your advice is wonderful.. and deep down I know all that. Why can't I remember these things when faced with food or an unmotivated attitude?? oi vey..

I have joined Curves, back in February, but aside from my own issues the main issue is their hours. The one I go to which is closest to my house and office clothes for two hours everyday, and is only open until 6:30pm. I work until 6 or so depending on my day (my job is one that never seems to end), and it's sometimes hard to leave for lunch right at noon to get there in time before they clothes for the afternoon. The only one in the area I can find that's open all day isn't close enough to get there and back in an hour. I'm trying my best to be out of the office at noon, but haven't been able to do that for more than twice a week. But I'm trying :-)

Another suggestion you guys made, biking riding, is funny because my husband, who is English, doesn't understand having to drive everywhere we go. Thankfully I live in the city where it's possible to bike around, so as soon as he moved in we invested $500 in two really nice bikes. I love it, I really do. I haven't ridden a bike since I was 16 (driver's permits pretty much made bikes archaic in the teen years!). Just this past Sunday we rode downtown and had a ball :-)

Thanks for all your support.. I just have to keep at it and remember everything. Coming here a couple times a day certainly helps. I did well at lunch time today, so I can't complain.

[Susanna]

Dear friend, I think you need to love yourself just where you are now. If God loves you just as you are (weight and all ) and your husband clearly does, I think you might want to try to" act as if "and see what happens. I hope you know that I applaud your recovery process but for me the self doubt and selfcriticalness is part of my eating disorder. My first OA meeting 20 years ago told me to look in the mirror an embrace myself and it was good advise although hard to achieve at times. Ill be praying for you and your marriage Susanna

[India On The Beach]

I feel the same way. I used to be a perfectionist when dieting, but it only made me crazy. For it to work, it has to be a lifestyle & how can it be when we weigh overselves every day (or worse twice a day), count every calorie, fat gram, etc.

[MorticiaAddams]

I can totally understand the body consious thing. I did that after I was married and started gaining weight as well. I was so comfortable with my husband and he always told me he loved me and how beautiful I was and everything a good husband does do. And I never really looked at myself I mean really looked at myself in the mirror. Never would while i was naked. Until it was to late. I had let myself get to my biggest of 313 pounds.
And one day I looked in the mirror and I thought ohh god how could I have done this to myself, How can my husband stand touching me and what could he possible get excited about looking at this body. I would cause a argument and just try to fall asleep before he came to bed to avoid him touching what I couldnt stand looking at myself.
He started to try and change his eating habits and exersising and I thought I want to be around for him and our son and I want to like myself and my body again. And each time I found myself in front of a temptation I would talk to myself and tell myself is that one minute and all that fat content is not worth it..
and thats what I do each time that happens.
It still does to this day some people have said my will power is amazing.
I want to live a diffrent life and that wont happen if I dont work and maintain that level of commitment for the rest of my life.
Put yourself first and put your workouts as a top priorty that must be done , keep a habit of always reading your food lables and only bring the good stuff into your home. And never give in or give up
Cin