Between a rock and a hard place. - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

tolose85 · 06-06-2005, 02:46 PM

Here's the dilema. I've got 6 weeks of paid leave when the baby comes. I plan to be off for at least 8 weeks. My problem is that I work about 1 hour from home and I don't want a random caregiver raising my child when I do go back to work. I'll be gone from 6:00 am to 5:30 pm M-F. The only other solution is to have my husband take a second shift, then, I would never see him!! I am so sad about the fact that I have to go back to work so quickly, but due to FMLA leave laws with offices with less than 50 employees, my job is not secure. I don't have the luxury of being off for 12 weeks. Even then, My baby would be taken care of by a care giver. I worry so much about the baby becoming attached to someone other than me. Am I normal to feel like this????? Does anyone else feel like this??
I really would LOVE to be a SAHM but I can't. Maybe part time, but my employer doesn't offer it, for my position. Maybe I'll look for another job closer to home while I'm off--- just venting here..

HELP... are there any other working moms out there that feel like I do? If so, what is your plan? Are you going back to work soon after delivery (6-8 weeks)? What are your plans??

Inca's Momma · 06-06-2005, 03:15 PM

Luckily as part of my job I have to go into day care centers in the city and test the water so over the past 4 years I've gotten to know which people/places I liked and which I didn't. I am only going to be off for 6 weeks even though I have a goverment job where the FMLA laws would apply to them keeping my job but financially I can't swing it. I'm honestly not concerned with leaving my baby at a day care center because there are multiple people who will be taking care of him not just 1 person, and also he will be interacting with other children which will help him develop socially. I can understand your fears but rest assured your son will know his mother

tolose85 · 06-06-2005, 03:36 PM

maybe it is a better idea for me to take him to a center where he does interact with a number of children vs. a personal caregiver (such as my next door neighbor who is a SAHM. Although, it would be extremely convenient to walk across the lawn to drop and pick Carson up, maybe the interaction would be more beneficial.. Thanks Kim..

How are you feeling??? 31 days to go.. YOU MUST BE SO EXCITED!

Inca's Momma · 06-06-2005, 04:41 PM

I'm still feeling great can't wait to see Mr. Ryan though

Hopefully he will come near the due date

Yeah right it will be the end of July with my luck. How are you doing? You are in the home stretch yourself.

gray eyed girl · 06-07-2005, 12:46 AM

I'm a SAHM, I hope it's okay if I chime in. My two children will be in day care full time so I can go back to school pretty soon, but my youngest is almost 1 1/2 now so I know it's just not the same at all.

Is it possible for you husband to cut back to part time? You might be able to really minimize the amount of time you need for day care that way. I don't think that my husband taking second shift would have worked well in my own marriage, but I have a couple of friends who have done that for years and are happy as can be.

The thing I really wanted to comment on was your concern that your baby might become attached to someone else. I worked in a day care for a while and I can tell you for absolute certain, kids, even teeny tiny babies (I worked with the newborns who started at day care at 6 weeks old) always know who mommy is. I was so attached to the kids in my class, but I can promise you that without exception, I was forgotten as soon as mom or dad walked in the room. Really, it's a good thing for your child to be attached to someone else. There's no such thing as too many people to love a baby. But now that I've got my own kids, I can say with absolute certainty that any attachment your child feels toward her (I assume girl since your ticker is pink?) caregiver doesn't hold a candle to the way she'll love you, and vice versa. You'll walk in the door to get your baby at the end of the day and her eyes will light up and she'll grin and it is plain to see that nobody else compares to mom.

tolose85 · 06-07-2005, 10:13 AM

Thank you. That made me cry! Everything makes me cry! Oh and its a boy-- Originally we thought it was a girl.. I haven't changed my ticker.. His name is Carson-- it will be anyway!

Thanks again. I do feel better.

gray eyed girl · 06-07-2005, 01:35 PM

You're welcome, I'm glad I could help. We had originally planned for me to go back to work full time when I was pregnant with my first, and I had exactly the same concerns. I really do know how you feel. I really like the name Carson, btw!

Amy8888 · 06-08-2005, 10:56 AM

Hi! I'm at 8 weeks and have thought about this, but for a variety of reasons I think it's best for me to work after the baby is born. I can help reassure you about the caregiver issue. I have my PhD in social psychology and there is a lot of research that shows that as long as children go to quality daycare, it is beneficial for them. They may form attachments with their caregivers, and that's good! That's what you want! Of course, you'll want a good secure attachment with your baby too, and you'll have that. As gray eyed girl said, the strongest attachment will be with you!

LBH · 06-08-2005, 01:30 PM

Gretchen, I totally hear where you're coming from. I hated the thought of returning to work after my first was born. I went through it again with #2, but I know they're loved and cared for at the center they go to.

Unless you can find a home DCP that someone highly recommends to you, I would stick with a center. Find one close to your job, not close to home, in case they need you during the day, or if you want to stop in at lunch or something.

Make a list of questions to ask them, as well as some mental notes when you're checking them out. They like you to make appts. to visit the center, mostly because the teachers keep them on a tight schedule, and sometimes there's not always an extra person to give you the tour, so they have to schedule it in. Go during the day, before lunch would probably be the best time. Nap time is usually for 2 hrs. or so after lunch, so that would not be a good time to go. Drop off/pick up time isn't soo great either.

Do not feel bad asking them 100 questions.
Make sure all the teachers are infant/child CPR trained
Their ratios are good (1:4 or less in infant room)
How often do they change diapers?
How do they warm bottles? (bottle warmer, crock pot, microwave...they should NEVER use the microwave, esp. if it's breastmilk)
Do they have a problem with you sending breastmilk? (you'd be surprised at how they react to "bodily fluids"!!)
Do they supply anything? (diapers/wipes/bibs/bedding)

Ask them how they will interact with your baby. I actually said to them, will you hold him, cuddle him, sing to him, like I do? Will they play games (like patty cake, etc.) How long do they allow them to sit in the swing/exersaucer, etc.? Will they make sure he gets tummy time? (at least a few min. at a time).

As upsetting as it sounds at first, you DO want your baby to get attached to his DCP! It's important that he have a close relationship with them, so he trusts them, and isn't miserable there. I cried the first day I left #1 there (@12 wks.), but when I picked him up that night, he was happy! Within a week I noticed him "talking" more, scooching around more, he was flourishing there! Grey eyed girl is right...they love their DCPs, but the second they see/hear you, their little faces light up like Christmas day!

(OK, can you tell I miss my boys?!)

tolose85 · 06-10-2005, 10:29 AM

Lauren- Thank you SO much for the advice. Thanks to all of you.

I did take your advice Lauren. I made some calls to day care centers near my work vs. near my home. To be honest, I never even thought of that as an option, for some reason, I just thought- without thinking, that having the baby close to home was better. Having the baby close to ME is best! I'm working it out with my employer, I'm going to try a 7:00am to 3:30 pm shift. With my hour commute each way, eventhough the baby will probably be sleeping in the am, at least I can sing or even talk to him for an hour. It all seems to be working out nicely-- so far anyway and on paper/in my mind! I have an appointment to meet the "center" on Monday over my lunch- its literally .25 of a mile from my office.-- I could even see Carson at lunch if I wanted! lol. I appreciate all the advice. Its really helped out alot. I am a paranoid first time mom.. hopefully, I'll ease up a bit after he's born and I'm more adjusted. Well, it seems I am rambling here.

Thanks again!

LBH · 06-10-2005, 10:39 AM

That's great Gretchen! Let us know how it goes!

Charbar · 06-10-2005, 04:46 PM

Oh boy Gretchen!

This is a hot topic...
I really am going to not be judgemental here.. I don't know your life.
That being said....
I really don't believe in the theory that you can't be a stay at home mom. Of course there are some exceptions.. ie. husband has passed away.
For us it came down to priorities. We decided that I was going to be a stay at home mom and did what it took, financially, to get to that point.
Again, I don't know your personal situation - -
for us we got rid of a lot of frills. It's a very personal choice. Please just don't say you can't - it's a matter how much you want it (for MOST people)

My sister says she can't be a stay at home mom - I say that she can't get rid of her 2 new cars, boat and cottage.. amongst other "important things"

I have a friend that is raising 3 boys on a her husband's $30,000/year salary. I know it's not easy for her - but she is doing it.

It's all about choice.

God Bless you and your little bundle!!!

Love Ya,

Dana

Rottenbaby · 06-10-2005, 08:03 PM

I think you have it worked out just fine! The daycare center is an awesome idea. I know this lady who has had her two children with the same lady for years and they know who their mother is.

Another thing to think about is how much social interaction Carson will have. I kept my oldest daughter with her grandmother for years instead of a center and she suffered for not being around other kids. My son now is reaping many benefits from me staying home but is missing out on the social interaction as well. He now has some speach problems.

My solution is to join a mommy group but he's alread missed so much. Your child won't have to worry about that and you won't have to have another baby so soon to make sure he's got company.

Good luck. Those pregnancy hormones will make you think all kinds of self doubting thoughts. You know how to take care of your family.

Helen

tolose85 · 06-11-2005, 09:12 AM

Thanks everybody for all your advice. I do and don't want to be a SAHM. I think what I REALLY want is to work from home! I am working on pursuing that. I guess I just want to make sure that Carson has a good balance of home life and my husband and I being able to "provide" for him. I know money is not everything, and I don't mean to come off as such. I think I have priorities set up ok- we did scale back on a lot so that we could pick and afford a really good center. I've re-adjusted my work hours and my husband is also re-adjusting his. I feel real comfortable with the plan we've come up with.

I just want my family to be comfortable. All of us.

Thanks again!

Charbar · 06-13-2005, 12:35 PM

Gretchen.. It looks like you have put a lot of work into this. Just keep this open.. you may feel different once the baby is here.

How are you feeling?

Dana