Skjolden, welcome. I'm glad you have come to join us.
My sister is a functioning alcoholic. (We are way beyond doing an intervention.) She has a more serious weight problem than me, but hers started several years before mine did. She had been pencil thin until her first pregnancy when she had to quit smoking. She gained a lot; started WW; got accidentally pregnant again almost immediately; gained more weight; had 2nd baby; got breast cancer; had mastectomy; continued to gain weight; went into remission; went back to WW; and became a lifetime member. There is a lot more, but basically, ever since the birth of her first child she has had a weight problem and a drinking problem.
Now, everyone has crises in their lives. The difference between people is how we deal with those crises. In my family, we anesthetize ourselves with either alcohol, food, or both. Thankfully, alcohol has never been a problem for me. I can take it or leave it. The same with smoking. But food, now that is my addiction of choice.
Dr. Phil has come the closest to being just what I need. He has made me face what I have chosen to deny for many years. I believe with his help and all my friends here, I will succeed to beat my addiction.
OK, so does anybody want to get more specific to naming and claiming the source for your negative thinking about yourself?
(Hand up) Mine was an emotionally and physically unavailable mother. It began very young. Circumstances were my father died when I was 14 months old, and I had 2 older siblings. My mother was 30, and right after his death, she had some physical ailments, specifically a bad back that caused her much pain. I remember her in bed alot. I was a sickly kid and taking care of me was an obvious PIA to her. I remember feeling early on that I didn't belong to that family. No matter what I did growing up, in school or sports, it never pleased her and she was consistently critical of even my best accomplishments. Because she worked, she was not available to attend school functions. I remember that only one time I got sick in school, like in 7th or 8th grade, and was vomitting. The office called her at work, and said I needed to go home. She couldn't or wouldn't leave work to pick me up so I had to walk home, vomitting along the way, to as always, the empty house. So by this stage of development, and entering puberty, I already had the foundation that I wasn't worth her time.
There were other specific instances that I may have relayed before, but you get the picture. I stayed chubby throughout grammar school, finding much comfort in food. I had 25 cents a day allowance that bought my favorite after school treat - a 16 oz Pepsi and Twinkies. In eighth grade, I discovered boys, so the summer between 8th grade and high school, I lost 50# by starving myself. But that was after mommy dearest had put me on every diet Rx available at the time, which turned me into a nervous wreck and emotional cripple. So throughout my teens I had an eating disorder, and rebelled making too many bad decisions and choices. I was the poster teen for addicitons, jumping from one to another trying to fill the empty hole in my heart and lack of self-worth and self-esteem. All through my childhood and teens, I had no supervision, no discipline other than "don't do anything that will embarrass me." If my own mother didn't care enough about me, why should I or anybody else, for that matter?
Things change, we learn as we grow, but I carried the anger of a rejected child with me. As an adult, I never handled criticism or rejection well, both of which put me on the defensive, making me feel I had to fight for my right to exist. I validated myself in many ways, but still held deep alot of anger.
So that was my source of unright thinking. How I changed it has much to do with the next Chapter and Key 2.
Wow Dip. It is easy to see how you ended up with addictions. In this day and age, your childhood would have led to a DCF referral. It is called neglect. Parents aren't allowed to do that these days without a teacher or a doctor reporting them. I'm so sorry that you felt so unwanted. I had a friend who when she was 14, her parents divorced. Her father took off with a 19 year old leaving her mother emotionally paralyzed. My friend became anorexic, ending up in Yale New Haven Hospital strapped to the bed. She kept pulling out her I.V.'s because she just wanted to die or at the very least be noticed. Because her mother was still a basket case, she moved in with her childless and very nurturing aunt. She lived with her throughout the remainder of her teens until she graduated college and became my roommate at age 22. She has reconciled with both of her parents, has since married and had three children. Yes, psychologically things with her can be shaky. But, she is at a normal weight, and a happy successful adult.
You and my friend are examples of people who can overcome neglectful parents. Good for you!
I have nothing to contribute about myself since I poured out my soul at the beginning of this thread. I will save some for chapter 5.
Anytime you want to get us started, go right ahead.
Wow, Summer. Ya know, there were many things back in those days that were alot different. We were never considered neglected because we were well provided for. I went to private schools, was obviously well-fed, had beautiful clothes. We weren't the most well-off family on the block, but we had just about everything other kids had except a stay-at-home attentive and emotionally available mother. In the evenings she was too tired, and the weekends she did clean, relax and date. My older brother and sister, 8 and 9 years, were suppose to watch me after school, but were teenagers and abusive when I would tattle on them. I also carried that anger.
After what you said, thinking back, my teachers did like me alot, but I thought it was because I was an A student, well-behaved, and living in an adult household, I had a vocabulary beyond my years. I read alot too but that was for escape. Mommy dearest went to the required parent-teacher conferences, and being the intelligent and sophisticated type she was, no one ever suspected, I guess. I have no memories of any hugging, compliments, encouragement or nurturing. Knowing what I know now about such things, I can say that I was a hair close to not have bonded with her. I must have bonded some way, some how because I'm not a sociopath. As an adult, I was always envious of friends who had close relationships with their mothers. I felt cheated in that department.
Not long before she died a few years ago, I did approach her about it all. Having my own child, I guess I wondered for many years how she could have been that way to me. In fact, she was more loving and affectionate with my son and favored him over the other grandchildren. When I talked to her about it, I was calm and actually acted like I didn't care what her answer was going to be. But I never expected the answer I got. She said to me, "You were such a strange child, I didn't know how to relate to you." I asked her why she thought I was a strange child? She said because I was so different from my brother and sister. My brother and sister had the benefit, for awhile anyway, of 2 parents and a normal family life. My luck of the draw was that I was born just befor my father got sick, and my mother shut down. What's ironic is that to this day, my brother and sister have pretty screwed up lives, while even though I have fought addicitions, I am functional and have a pretty good thing going in *real* life. Keys 1 and 2 were just what I needed to pull it all together, give it an identity, and get over it. The only regret I have is that it took this long, and I wish I knew this 20 years ago.
I'm the adult child of an alcoholic father. He died 12 years ago. My mother is the queen of co-dependents. I was born 10 months after they married and she told me he had told her not to worry about getting pregnant, he knew what to do. He was 29 and she was 17 when they married. Well, he was using the "withdrawal" method and I out ran him one night. She told me a few years ago that when she found out she was pregnant with me, she made the decision that she would have her next child when SHE wanted to. If I needed anything to confirm I was an inconvenience, this was it! I remember going out to play after my brother was born and being sexually molested regularly by a teenager in the neighborhood. I don't specifially remember being sent outside so I wouldn't disturb baby brother, but I suspect I was. We are 5 years apart in age. He has always been and is to this day her fair haired child. He can do no wrong. Thankfully, this doesn't affect my relationship with him. He and I are very close. He has no control over her behavior any more than I do. I've just this week come to realize how angry I am with her for the past. Unfortunately, this is not an issue that I can discuss with her. She would never be able to handle it emotionally so I have to find some other way to deal with the anger. Actually, maybe it's that I don't think I could handle her reaction. She is also the queen of tears and guilt and I simply don't want to have to deal with them. She has lost the vision in her left eye and most of it in her right eye. She went through **** being married to my dad so I really don't want to lay this at her doorstep.
I was always about 20 lbs overweight in school until I turned 16. I lost the 20 lbs and got lots and lots of attention from the boys. It's a wonder I was still a virgin when I married. I've started reading the book again and it's really hitting home with me this time.
Dip, books were my salvation. I read all of the time. I enjoyed reading but I also enjoyed the escape the books gave me from my life.
This is such a good thread and you are all so open with your sharing. I'm glad I'm here.
Dip, I've been thinking about what your wrote about having a baby.
"Here's an analogy - The one thing as women that we want right away and have no control of is pregnancy and creating a life. When we find out we're pregnant, we want that baby in our arms here and now. But we have to wait 9 months. We have no choice in the matter. We commit to taking care of ourselves and being as healthy as we can for baby's sake, all along thinking and dreaming of little else but that baby."
My imagination has been running wild with this. Okay, so we look at the next nine months' commitment. If we were really pregnant, we would take our vitamins, exercise, eat right. In a few months we would need new clothes (maternity if pregnant but smaller ones this time around). At the end of the nine months we would have "given birth" to a new person - US! This would happen around Thanksgiving time, the perfect time to be thankful for the blessing of a new, healthier body. I like the idea of doing this. When do we start?
The first thing I would do (and it won't hurt me to do this again myself) is create the no-fail environment, which happens to be the next key we'll be working on anyway. I suggest the Dr. Phil Food Guide - clean out your frig and cabinets, and then use the food guide to go grocery shopping. Or whichever plan you are going to follow. Prepare as much food in advance as possible so it's there and you're not tempted to eat otherwise. Begin creating new habits immediately so the new habits become real habits sooner.
I'm often asked "what diet are you on?" which drives me up a wall because I am not on a diet - I've changed my lifestyle and have relearned how to eat. You just gave me a comeback for those who might ask. I'll just say, "I'm creating a new little person." Won't that make people wonder! LOL.
Nine months, 36 weeks is really not that long, and what would it be like to approach the holidays not stressing about how much weight we're going to gain, or what we're going to eat or not eat. Because I started about this time last year, and by the holidays had already formed my new good habits, I lost 12# between Thanksgiving and New Year's, and no stressing about it. I think this is the best time to start because the promise of Spring, of everything being reborn and new life is just around the corner.
I loved your clothes analogy! I didn't think of that.
I started my 36 weeks Saturday. I thought Valentine's Day was a good day to start loving myself. I've lost 6 lbs since then. I know it's water weight, but it sure is encouraging. When I look in my closet, I'm so tired of the same clothes I've worn for about the last 6 years. I can't wait for the new ones!
My apartment is pretty much no-fail now. A couple of weeks ago, I went on a binge and ate everything I could get my hands on so I pretty well cleared out the things I don't need to have available. I gave up french fries and cokes on 2/10 and after one week, I'm still doing without them! These are two of my favorites and it will make a difference not having them. I actually walked Friday and I'm planning to do WATP when I get home this afternoon.
I love what you shared about being in the health groove before the holidays hit last year. Surely between now and then, I can make this a way of life.
Thank you so much for your encouraging posts. They are really helpful to me. You are a very wise person.
See you lighter!
Marilyn
293/287/260 (by May 16) BW/CW/First goal weight
Last edited by Libra925; 02-17-2004 at 06:04 PM.
Reason: grammar
Marilyn, I am so happy for you! "By george, I think she's got it! " A line from My Fair Lady, another transformation story. I haven't a clue what you look like, but from your enthusiasm and "right thinking," I have no doubt that by your 'due date,' you will be a wisp of what you are today.
My dear, I am not wise, but I just want to share and pass on how wonderful life can be when we just re-arrange, develop new healthy habits, and surround ourselves with support. We all can be My Fair Ladies by taking the time for ourselves, the focus on our goals and persist with Dr. Phil's 7 Keys.
I only made it through the warm-up in my WATP tape yesterday but at least I was moving for a little while. My knees give me problems. I brought my walking shoes to work today and plan to walk here before I go home. The floor my office is on has a hallway all around the perimeter of the floor and 8 trips around equals a mile. It's a perfect situation for walking.
I'm very pleased with myself right now. Not only have I given up FF and cokes, but I've cut way back on my nighttime eating. I'm also journaling. Not a lot, just a few words each day, but enough to look back on and see what I'm accomplishing. Finally, after 55 years, I'm doing it. This change is also making me feel better about myself. One of these days I hope to be an inspiration to someone like you are to me.
Hi - I know I am late joining but am reading the book and really trying to change my life. I am 50 years old, had my first bout of overweight in college - quickly lost it, but gained it again at 35 when I was trying to raise 3 kids alone, go to school and work - I had every excuse in the book. I hit my top weight when my dh died in 1998. I since remarried, but the pounds still stay - I dislike the way I look, feel, etc but this chapter really opened my eyes. I have 5kids - but only 1 overweight. She is 28 and 250 - she really wanted to exercise so I began again for her and now we are trying to help each.
It was her decision that we read the book and then for this chapter call each other with our positive reinforcing statement each day - Hoping it helps.
Hopefully your daughter can join us too. We have a wonderful and very supportive group here, and I have no doubt that together we can master the 7 keys.
Jump right in with your thoughts on the chapters you have read. We are here for you!
Jo
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205.2/191/135
I am mindful that progress, not perfection, is my goal each day.
Immediately 
